Agnostic.com

34 11

How long did it take you to get over your divorce? I am in the process of serving my husband, but it's hard when he lives on a boat. I go out to clubs and see weird relationships, and hear people not talking so well about their significant others. Everybody needs time to heal- heck my lawyer said no dating until the divorce is over. I honestly thought that I would be driving around the parking lot at this point saying, "Hey you - get into my car." But I feel more like crazy cat woman and just flinging cats at people.

UrsiMajor 8 Feb 17
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

34 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

10

I am almost 3 Years out from a very toxic marriage. I am still recovering, less from the divorce than from the 20 years of emotional abuse in the marriage. My ex moved on immediately (actually had been carrying on a relationship in secret while telling me we were trying to reconcile) and is already re-married. I have hardly even dated because being married was HELL and it is so much better being alone than with someone who diminishes you.
I am so never going to be able to use this site for dating because I am way too open about my past!

I am sorry for your awful time living with a toxic person is enough to mess with your head. I do hope you can heal from this terrible time in your life and I think you should keep talking eventually your life will get better.

I felt that way at one time. I got out of my marriage early, within a few years, but I didn't really begin to get over it until I started talking about it a lot, pretty much to whomever would listen, and mostly to friends on the net. The bad thing is that I didn't really start that process until years after it ended, but I felt much better within a few years after I really started talking.

Good for you getting out. Nothing at all is better than a toxic marriage- no matter what society might say to that...

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am actually really happy now. Still figuring out who I am without a narcissist telling me who to be. Enjoying having friends and interests and not feeling bad about not making my whole life about another person. I’ll date if someone comes along who really enhances my life. Until then, I am happy that every other aspect of my life is better than it ever would have been in that marriage. @tiffanny @bingst @ursiMajor @theIrishTexan @sciencebiker

@UrsiMajor that is actually something I have thought a lot about. We constantly get the message that marriage is a lifelong commitment, that divorce is a failure, that you should do whatever you can to make your marriage work. And in most situations I generally agree with that. But society does a disservice when we fail to say that none of that applies in cases of abuse - physical or psychological abuse.

9

I was happy when my first wife filed for divorce. I even thanked the process server effusively. Getting over the divorce was easy. Getting over 30 years of a terrible marriage took much longer. I had nightmares for years.

I would say it has taken me 5 years to realise its ok to be on your own. I came from childhood family straight to boyfriend then husband for 30 years and had never been alone in my life. It was scary for a long time after we seperated but I have got through it and learnt lessons so now take each day as it comes. I'm sorry you were in such a terrible marriage as mine was not bad until the last few years. I think on a positive note that I was blessed with my children and now my 3 grandchildren.

I can understand that. It's very hard.

9

I would recommend to just focus on and develop your interests and hang out with friends and for sure enjoy your alone time..
Get used to being independent from a relationship and cherish it.
Being single is really wonderful.

Really good advice. I'm trying to get more involved and rekindle some old friendships.

@UrsiMajor and maybe some new ones....

8

Know exactly how you're feeling. This bubbling stew of lonelines and neediness reduces down to a overwhelming sense of unworthiness and being too fucked up to be with anyone. At least that's how I feel... I've been told it gets better?

I can understand where you are coming from me. For me, it's more like emptiness/ isolation. Maybe lack of faith in relationships is the biggest problem for me... We are on agnostic.com... 🙂

@UrsiMajor I kind of have a feeling that it might be possible to have a decent relationship it just can't be what I've done before. As to what the hell that means? Yeah, faith no more... 😉 It'll probably help.

I hate to admit that I'm angry over spending my best years with my ex. I lost myself trying to do things that he wanted to make him happy for 13 years. I honestly don't feel I have much to offer anyone anymore. At 53, my looks are gone and I'm overweight. Yes I can, and will, get fitter. Winter has almost passed and I'm very active in the warmer months. But so much of our society is still about looks, especially for women. I don't see a man in my future. When my kid goes to college, I hope to travel and volunteer helping others. I'm mostly good alone but wonder about what could have been sometimes. I didn't see this coming.

@Archer Know exactly what you're talking about. Never expected to be in this position at my age either. Nobody's "looks are gone" but I do understand where that emotion is coming from. Physical and emotional attractiveness are inseparable and that connection is ignored at our own peril. As I attempt to reclaim my 'girlish figure' my goal is to do it for myself and not do it to attract a woman. Not always sucessful at achieving that motivation though... Slowly working through letting go of regrets from my marriage and recognizing all the good that came from it too. If I changed my past my present would be different too and I'm getting better at accepting who I am right now. I'm right with you there about not being sure if I should have another partner in my life. Maybe it will be better to be alone. With you in the struggle. Peace.

@kmdskit3 You are right. It's all worth it because I got my son out of the deal and would do it again if I had to. Now, back to the trenches. LOL

5

I was “emotionally divorced” for a good 4 years before we actually filed. It’s been 6 months since I moved out (papers were finalized November 1st). At first I had the “need” to feel like someone cared for me and for me to care about someone. I think I was just so emotionally starved for so long. I feel like I’m in a really good place now though. I’m actually really happy being single! It’s fun dating and meeting new people. I KNOW what I want in a man and a relationship and I won’t settle for less. Right now I feel content to wait a very long time for that. I know I will continue to grow emotionally as well.

5

I'm going to need a teensy bit more info here are we talking Walmart Taco Bell or Burger King parking lot here?

5

The thing that really helped me was talking about it... a lot. Really, just a lot of venting and ranting. 😛

People swear by journals.... Maybe online with a login/password.. I wouldn't want anyone finding mine... lol..

5

I got over my divorce about a year before he and I were legally divorced. He wouldn't leave.

Mine wouldn't leave either even though he's the one who said he wanted the divorce. I chalk it up to 20 good years together, then 5 miserable years, one awesome son!

Mine wanted me to stay until we sold the house so he could get financial assistance and wifely duties. Nope.

4

Don't do that to the cats! In all seriousness though, build up your support system. Spend time with friends and family who make you feel good. Maybe join a support group or exercise class? My best to you,this is a chance to make things better for yourself.

4

It can take a while. There are a lot of variables. Just give yourself the time you need. Wherever you are in the healing process is ok.

4

Depends on what you mean by "get over." If you mean when should you start dating again, the rule of thumb is that when you no longer care who your ex is with, then it's OK to date again.

Otherwise, you might find yourself in the role of complaining, angry divorcee who spends every date bashing her husband, or trying to spy on him.
After you've passed through the stages of grief; shock, denial, pleading, playing victim, and anger, and move on to indifference, then you'll feel OK with the divorce, and may or may not start another relationship.

Some studies show that if women go more than five years without remarrying, they probably never will, due to discovering how freeing it is to live independent lives, without answering to anyone.

Hear,hear!

Generally, I've read to start dating 1 to 2 years after the divorce is finalized. That could be reasonable.

3

I opted to remain single for a few years between my last big split. We have two children together so that added a new element of screwed up to a breaking of a union.

I knew it would be a disservice to myself and to anyone else if I sold myself short and began dating before I was ready to Fully commit All of myself. I needed a clear mind so i could, likewise, have the sensibility to make a prudent and logical choice of mates. I needed a clear mind so I could understand when the time had finally come.

I needed to mourn the death of the relationship, of the future dreams, the original hopes and plans. Those things also take time.

People tend to get lonely. I don't really because I have always been a loner despite the assumption I am an extrovert. I am just good at dealing with people, but I rarely trust them and constantly wonder what is going on inside of them truly. I am thankful that I have have numerous intersts and hobbies and I am a lifelong learner and currently in college again.

There are so many other things I knew I could do in order to find was to Reclaim Myself. Again, before you can give yourself to another, you must first have the tools with which to Reclaim your own identity.

I would never wish to commit to a person simply because I was too lonely to hold out for something better. I don't want to bring someone into my life when I am in the midst of turmoil. How much can you honestly claim to care for another person if you choose to go into something of that nature at half your game?

I suggest taking your time, making certain you have cried out, bled our and screamed out whatever you felt toward the end and do currently, before you move on to the next phase in your life. It is good for us to take the time we need and to regain our mental health and composure. It is good for you to enjoy spending time with yourself again. I found it enjoyable and exciting on some level because now I had time to learn all the things i hadn't had the chance to before.

When its time again, you will know it. Trust yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, forgive your ex and move on. Take your dignity with you and find another doorway to haunt.

I wish you good luck out there and don't worry, you Will love again. Only time can prepare and heal you for your next journey in life and it will come. Time is such a gift. The things that hurt you at this moment, months from now you will forget. Life is in flux. You are in flux. Embrace the change and enjoy the ride. 🙂

Sadoi Level 7 Feb 19, 2018

That's a really great, well- thought out answer. thank you.

@UrsiMajor You are very welcome. I remember how it feels. Hence, I can relate and understand the emotions you speak of. Its always helpful to get some positive feedback and to hear the stories of others who have been through and have gotten to the other side, post breakup. I wanted to reach out and share because I know it was always helpful for me.

I sincerely wish you all the best and keep your chin up. 😉 You'll get through this.

Thanks Sadoi.

3

Getting over the Ex was easy. I was so over being with her that I am the one that filed for divorce. Getting over the divorce is another thing. Because the Ex continues to be an abusive presence in the life of our child (thankfully, I have had custody since he was three years old) and an anti-parent rather than a co-parent, there has been continuing action in Family Court at least every few years, to try to protect the innocence of a child. Almost eleven years later, the dust is settling and I have a feeling I am finally done in court for a while within the next few weeks.

Please, if you have children, work TOGETHER for their benefit. If you don't have children, once the court stuff is over it is OVER, and the feeling of relief is like a new lease on life. Go forth into the world and be HAPPY!

it's sad when one or both parents just think about themselves and not their children. I'm glad I never had children.

3

Obviously it depends on the situation and if you have children or shared investments etc. Generally figure a month or so for every year of marriage after the divorce is final. Almost for sure your first relationship after will be transitional and won't last. Your lawyer is right - wait.

No children - was a huge reason for the divorce... I like the one month for every year of marriage after the divorce is final. that makes sense. We are down to our last investment property. It's such a great investment- we'll see what happens with that.

@UrsiMajor Ahh - that makes sense. A pretty fundamental incompatibility that there is no compromise position for. Maybe put the investment property in a trust that some neutral 3rd party manages... Good luck!

3

I suppose i'm one of the lucky ones. My ex and i seperated in November. Tuesday, we go to split the cell phones and car insurance, and schedule the "official" divorcery.

The town in Wiscinsin has something called "Pro Se", which is basically a lawyerless divorce service.

When we seperated, all i took was my clothes and guitars. I left her everything else.

Thus far, things have been very civil. We've gone out for drinks a few times.

But here's where it gets complicated.

I, and my ex BEFORE my soon-to-be ex wife own a house. Said earlier ex has been out of the picture since 2008. She signed a quit claim (quick claim?) and is no longer on the deed. But still on the loan.

My soon-to-be ex Mrs. is interested in buying the place. Right now, though? We don't even have a lease signed, let alone any plan for her to buy it 😟

Wish me luck, this could potentially get ugly quick.

Ugh.

And, honestly, i'm nowhere near over it.

I still love her dearly. Things end. Sometimes they end for valid reasons. Doesn't make it any easier.

@SaintChris yeah we still have a rental unit with tenants in it. Both names on the lease. Not up until March, 2019.... Lawyer says to sell as soon as the lease is up.... Man such a good cash cow and money flow... Yikes...

I think i mentioned this in another thread here, but i'm a master of burying the hatchet. My girlfriend before the ex wife, i literally played guitar while she walked down the aisle and my band played her reception. With my ex wife, she's now my tenant.

I'm hoping she can buy the place from me, i'd ve happy just to be rid of it, honestly.

3

To tell the truth, it has been 14 years and I still think about it. I never knew why. And then the guy she hooked up with shot her.

I'm so sorry. That's tragic.

Horrible!

I thought I had some stories to tell. You put things into perspective...

3

I was separated for a while, but once I decided the marriage was over for me it was a lot of stress re kids and such. Divorce was a bit later and the ex fought it (not that you can, but she tried). I did not date for about 6 years so as not to make further stress, then 3 relationships failed due to partners kids being problematic. Advice, take you time.

3

It takes time to process the change. I wasn’t ready for at least two years.

a healthy waiting period

3

It's been seven years and I still have bad moments. But it's a LOT better than it was at first. It depends on the condition of the divorce, and who initiated the divorce. I got left for someone else, and that hurt for a while (TBH still does, but only in pangs now).

I get wanting to fling the cats at people, just make sure you let in the people who catch them and pet them. If they scream or flinch at a kitty attack they are not worthy.

3

Well the good news is that it gets better. I divorced in 2009 and I can't, for the life of me, remember anything about the ordeal. I can't give you an exact date as to when it got better but at it certain point it just becomes history and your mind moved on to other things.

2

A lot longer than I thought/realized. Very painful again many, many years later. I think I never really dealt with it in the first place, and so when the time came and I broke down... it was surreal, confusing, and cathartic.

2

Each divorce is different. I've been married three times. Divorce from husband #1 was easy, as was the divorce from #2. It's been over 10yrs, and I'm still not over #3 (worse mistake of my life which is why it still hurts).

I used to think people who spent a lot of money and made someone be their best man for 3 different weddings were overly needy. Now I don't judge. I say whatever people need to do with these weddings - just do it. It's been a humbling experience.

2

You being in Annapolis, I don't know if there is any military involved. I was in the Navy when I got divorced but I knew when I left for an unaccompanied tour in Germany, I was not coming back as we established and it was up to her to setup the divorce and send me the papers to sign. She was free to pursuit anything she wanted while I was gone. And we have the most normal relation even now. At least from my part. No animosity. I may complaint about this and that but... divorce was the best thing to happen to us. After our three kids of course. I still call her for her birthday, xmas (was our anniversary), new year, mother day and yes st valentine day. Your life will continue and most likely the next man will be a better man and will appreciate you more. I noticed you went back to your picture against your lawyer wish. That is a sign you are starting to break out. Some people it takes 8 years... other 8 hours. I had never been a return back kind of guy so it was easy even when coming from Germany to visit the kids. No desire. Everything depends of who are you divorcing and reasons for the divorce. I had no counsel of a lawyer I just signed the papers, gave her the house and assumed the debts. To me... Freedom was worth every penny she could get from me. But I always been a different, not materialistic person. Don't let him take advantage of you or get you down if this process is Painful... It will pass to better pasture and times. There is a lot of you left for this Life.

You're a better ex than my ex was at being a partner. Lol

@Blindbird I wrote a song includes the line... "some are better at hello, other better at goodbye". I always been the best ex a woman can have. And I kind of remind them... "after me... every next man will feels better, so don't be so sad, fun is on it's way". I truthfully am a "goodbye kind of guy".

Thanks, I've been blessed with a talented attorney. I took a lot of financial losses on cars, furniture, vacations, lawyer bills, pet bills-I don't want to think about it. It's better to move on and cut the losses and be thankful for what could be salvaged.

@UrsiMajor The most and only Important thing to be Salvaged is You... So this is your time. What is ahead of you. Forget the past and Move on. Follow Counsel Advice. And whatever the loss is good to not think about it. It is small price to pay for your Freedom to be Yourself... The Way You Want To Be. Good Luck. The Road is ahead of you.

1

My ex has been gone four years and I haven't felt like dating yet. Part of that is not wanting the risk while having a 12 year old at home, but the bigger part is recovering from years of emotional abuse, then being blindsided and financially stressed. I'm self sufficient and have many things that bring me joy in my life. Still not sure if it's worth putting myself out there. Doing a little research here. Great topic.

1

I think I was over my divorce at least 3 years before it happened. We were separated for a few years before the divorce happened. We had both moved on, so divorce was just a technicality.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:25726
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.