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Argggg! I’m so pissed at my husband right now. He is being so unreasonable. He wants to buy a house that is $40k out of our budget. He’s got caviar taste on a potato chip budget. Two people do not need 3000+ sqft house. Taxes alone are $1000/mo. I’m make the lion’s share of our income. Shouldn’t I get to have more say on how much we can spend?

jpouch1 5 Mar 8

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You don't get more say - but you get equal say.

Your no should mean as much as his desire to have the huge house.

I agree with others on counseling. You can't fix someone who competes with family.
But counseling might get through to him why your perspective is valid too.


I forgot to address your final comment about having more say because you make more.

I disagree with relationship power being defined by earning amount as there must some things he does or contributes that you do not that cannot have a monetary value attached

If you make 50% more, you should contribute to the household economy at 50% more so that your personal spending levels are similar but your power levels should still be equal


When I was married, my husband wanted a larger customized house to be built for us that was at the absolute end of our county whereas I wanted one centrally located and much less expensive.

It was the early 90s and we had been arguing over a home computer which I considered a bad idea (I know, who knew) and he capitulated on the house if I agreed to a computer. There may be something else your husband wants that this house is a surrogate for. Or you can offer to agree to.

In any case, we divorced about 5 years later and I was able to afford the retention of house for me and the kids. Had we bought the larger house, I would not have been able to keep the kids comfortably housed.

If you lost your job and had to start over at entry level, could you afford this house?


In one of your responses you say that the payment would be 50% of your take home pay and you make 80% of the income, so I agree you need more elbow room. I also agree that 3 miles further (from what, work? town?) is not a rationale to spend that much more. I also agree that two people don't need a 3000 sq foot house. Indeed, I've never lived in a house that big, even when there were 2 kids at home, and I never felt deprived. In the early days, I raised my two children in a nice, new home but that was a single-wide mobile home.

Credible financial advisors would say you should spend no more than 30% of your income on housing. If either of you agrees to more than that, you'd be a fool. And I'll add to that, it should not exceed 30% of your reasonably expected income. If your husband has trouble holding down a job, or if his employer's line of business is volatile or declining, don't count his income. Same for you.


That 40K will add about $50 to your monthly payment! Is the location excellent? Will it be problem/remodel free? You may want to listen to his reasons and not just dig in on price.....

@jpouch1 is he very controlling? Or maybe it reminds him of a childhood home? Got to be a reason!

@jpouch1 wow, not a good reason at all.........


For sure you should have a say from an ethical perspective but legally that may not be the case. In my country that new property becomes jointly owned and if you split, he gets half the equity even if you paid 100% of the bills.


Financial pressure tends to be a quick route to divorce.

I totally agree and was about to write that. Financial burden (or even reduced financial buffer) can really put strains on a relationship.


Morally, yeah. You work to get the larger portion of the income, so you should have the most influence on the decision of where your money's spent.
Legally, it depends. There are different types of marriages when it comes to ownership. My parents married with separate goods, so each one legally owns their own money and purchases, but if you married with shared goods that means you both own the same property, which leaves you with 50% of the influence in that choice, regardless of how much you contribute to the total sum of goods you own.

Either way, the solution usually lies on communication. Talk it out and compromise if necessary: you're both adults and should act like such.

Side note: I'm Portuguese, so I apologize for not knowing the proper terminology in English for the legal stuff...


He had his input... You have yours... It's ultimately your decision, your choice...



Carin Level 8 Mar 9, 2019

If he wants it, he can have it . . . . but he will have to pay for it himself, alone . . . . . D-I-V-O-R-C-E . . . . would better than ending up on the shitty end of the stick. That is 20 Years of payments, and a lot of things can happen in 20 years.

THHA Level 7 Mar 8, 2019

I believe you should. At the very least you should have equal say.

It's too bad you felt the need to get validation for this here. It sounds like you feel a bit powerless, as though he has the upper hand, despite your higher income.

Option 1: Stand your ground and discuss a compromise with a house you both feel good about.

Option 2: Distract him until the house is sold to someone else. Lie on the kitchen table naked next to a sandwich. Usually at least one of those works.

I'm betting he came here because if he discusses it with real life people, he risks hubby finding out what he said and opening up another can of drama.


Yes,he is being unreasonable,not thinking very soundly, 4 or more bedrooms? Are you planning on renting out a room or two?


1K per month!? Where the fuck is this house?

@jpouch1 , Well then, that's got to be some house. I'm in Crook County, IL. I can't wait to get the hell out of here. The taxes are the biggest reason I want to leave but then there's the traffic, crime and all around lousy weather.


hmmm.....say no, and mean it. end of discussion?

@jpouch1 yeah, that's bottom of the bucket stuff.

@jpouch1 Tell him you can both keep looking till you find something both affordable & close to his work. Maybe even closer than the one he wants right now.

@jpouch1 Your situation sounds discouraging to say the least. Seriously, have you 2 considered marriage counseling?

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