@Fred_Snerd sounds like she needs to be comfertable being alone.

@Fred_Snerd you should just go get her her first cat and get that proccess started.

@Fred_Snerd what's she need a man for, then? Dogs will quite literally do everything your OP states she wants - except a paycheck, but I doubt that has anything to do with it.

@Fred_Snerd I love poodles. Earn thier love and there is no better dog. Fantastic animals.

You can have all my cats and I'll take all your dogs.

@1of5 Well...except for a doberman, but good way to find the bottom of your wallet.
poodles tho.

@Qualia we'll just have to disagree about that. Amicably, of course. Dobs are great dogs and I may get one again - no more puppies, just going to rescue - but was raised with and understand poodles.

@1of5
and I would like to try a Standard, except for the coat maintenance.... and they are a whole other learning curve healthwise. Dobes bad enough regardless of where you get them .

@Qualia I'll trade a grooming charge every 2 to 3 months over vacuuming every other day.

I've never had a dobe but have known a few folks who have, and they've been terrific dogs. Chance comes to get one I will - despite having to vaccume more.

@Fred_Snerd lol, sounds like my ex who thinks all crimes, dangers and population in the world are caused by only men and they want only one thing - sex.

Studies show women don't like sex?? I wish I could get sex on demand! Stereotype much?

@Carin I was referring to typical, cis women. Women with high testosterone levels are the exceptions. There are a number of studies, one of which I recently posted but just now grabbed this one off the internet:

[psychologytoday.com]

@birdingnut What an interesting article! It doesn't leave men looking too good in my opinion though, & I'd like to think better of them than that. I liked that part at the end, showing that it looks like relationships that begin online have a better chance of surviving than those which started by meeting in person. Makes sense to me.

@Carin Notice tho that it said the online-based relationships did only "slightly better" than the offline based relationships......

Yeah, that thing about always want sex but not need it--like we should have an on/off switch that only he can use....

@Fred_Snerd That sounds so odd to me--is it just a stereotype that women complain their husbands are not emotional enough? I know that was a huge source of pain for me anyway. I wonder if you just keep ending up with a certain type of partner without realizing you are doing it? That was certainly the case for me but without counseling (& a lot of it) I could not see what was going on. Basically, you go with what you know.

@Summer72

I met over a dozen man-children who never learned to cook. They wanted a mommy to take care of them- doing all of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and food prep - and great sex.

"I'd be a great sous chef," one man said. Yet he sat passively while I made dinner like other men who never learned to cook. They waited for me to set food in front of them. That got old fast.

All of these men rubbed against me from behind- trying to initiate sex- while I was chopping and sauteing vegetables. I have a knife, asshole!

FLUSH.

@Fred_Snerd Yeah, I have one of those invisible targets painted on me too. I do think the targets are real & I'm not sure we can get rid of them. I imagine it like a herd of deer & one has a very slight limp.
Most would not notice it but wolves are watching for just those tiny signs of weakness. They single out that limping deer because it's the easiest target. The best I can do now is recognize the predators sooner & decisively get rid of them, the sooner the better. I'm sure my target is still there.

@LiterateHiker Funny you bring that up! I remember on about the 3rd date this guy shows up with a shirt he wanted me to sew a button back on to! I can't remember if I did. I hope not!

@Carin , lol!!! Men and women are so different! Our needs are different. I guess anyone who finds that Mr. Or Ms right is SUPER LUCKY! At this point I want no part of it. I do so much better on my own! I think I am happier than most of my friends that are married.

@Summer72 I like the ones who buck the stereotypes. My boyfriend is obsessed with accent lighting & I "save" him from spiders!

@Carin I swear woman are the rough ones!!! I'm glad it's working for you. Maybe when my kids get older, I will want to settle down with a partner. I'd be happy to kill the spiders too!

@LiterateHiker, yep. I'm not surprised. They cook only when it's fun and make it an event, like they did something spectacular. Gotta pat them on the back and put it on fb. I know it's not all men. But My experience is the same as yours.
This sounds totally cliche but, "If only I could find a man just like my dad." Lol. He set the bar pretty damn high for any potential mate for me or my kids (girls)

Luckily I'm too butch to attract a lot of guys like that. As far as my dad, it would be more like date they guy who is the least like him that I can imagine!

@Summer72 I would never kill a spider--I pick them up with my bare hands & carry them outside. He got a little pale the first time he saw me do it with a big old wolf spider. If it's a black widow I use a container.

@Summer72

It's like men who, with great fanfare, refill the ice cube tray after years of leaving it empty.

@Carin I sure see a lot of that on Match in the women's profiles, the trend of going with the familiar and similar over being open to someone with differences in background or lifestyle that might be positive for a change with a new relationship. As in, almost all the women with kids, and even most of the ones who don't have kids, indicate they only want men with kids, adult or younger. Same with drinking, social and moderate drinkers will almost always indicate that they will only date fellow drinkers, social or moderate. But what's really interesting, as far as sticking with the familiar, is that about 70% of the divorced women will not date a widowed man, even the ones in my age group, probably because they want a man who has been thru a divorce over someone who had a successful marriage ending in death. I guess the choice there might often be explained by wanting someone who has shared the unique pain of a divorce, the familiar, over someone who might be more capable and ready for a successful relationship. Understanding and commiseration over improving their odds of success with a more relationship competent, less flawed, and supportive man.

But I don't doubt there are reasons for people sticking with the familiar in what types of people they want to date, such as divorced women feeling they don't understand widowed men as well as divorced men or assuming that the man's family, esp. kids, won't accept her. Assumptions that the man who is a non-drinker won't be accepting of her drinking or fit in with that same trait shared by her friends and family. Assumptions that a man without kids, even when her kids are all adults, won't be accepting or interested enough in her kids and grandkids. In the case of women without kids, my guess is that the reason the vast majority of them also only want a man with kids is so they can lean on them later after the man dies and she is left old and widowed then they will be assumed to comfort and look after her.

@TomMcGiverin My thoughts on a "certain type of partner" are way, way more basic than their current status regarding kids, divorced or widowed etc. I'm thinking about really basic personality or character type stuff--like how honest or not they are, what they even think honesty means, really. Just typing that clarified it for me--what does honesty mean to them? (my ex's definition was VERY narrow so he could act like a monster & still feel that he was upholding his moral standards & acting like a decent human being) & how does that work with your personal definition of honesty? What does it mean in their minds, to be devoted or loyal to someone; do they lean more towards being the boss, do they value routine & stability or are they interested in new ideas? I don't think these things can even be articulated & certainly not in someone's on line profile.

Maybe someone likes bad boys (guilty here) or bad girls, but why are they bad? That's so important! There can be different reasons for that. Maybe they are just plain selfish with a streak of mean, or maybe they value personal freedom over society's conventions & want to take you along for a wild adventure. Maybe they are loners--alienated from other humans due to painful experiences from their childhoods or even later. But you can see that a relationship with each of them would be very different & affect you in really different ways.

Not to say that the criteria you mention aren't also important. As a parent of both adult & minor children, I can't really imagine not dating another parent who understands that his & my kids will always have to come first, & who won't freak out when my kids do weird kid stuff.

@Carin And that is why I get so little interest on Match. I am widowed without kids, a very small group out of those on Match my age. The vast majority of women, like you, won't date a man without kids. Add to that, the majority of divorced women on Match will not date a man who is not also divorced, like them, maybe because they cynically or ignorantly assume that all widowed men are either not done grieving or still emotionally married to their dead wife. Lastly, only about 25% of the women my age on Match in my area are widowed. Add all of those common preference choices together with the women on Match, and it leaves me with only a very small dating pool of women that are willing to accept someone like me with my background. Then, after you factor in the usual dealbreakers over other lifestyle and cultural traits, I am left with a sliver of the women on Match that are compatible and open to giving me a chance.

@TomMcGiverin Please don't assume I wouldn't have considered someone who wasn't a divorced parent--it wasn't on my profile & not something I would have made an early decision about. It just seemed to happen the way it did & now I'm really seeing how much having these "entanglements" affect what we can do with our lives & relationship. I just don't know if "normal" guy could handle it, honestly. I'm actually surprised to hear so many women are specifying that kind of stuff from the get go--wondering if they are then complaining how they can't meet anyone? I think you deserve a chance but if they are going to be that superficial & picky maybe they would be lousy girlfriends anyway?

@Carin Thanks for the validation and support Carin, but that really is how self-limiting and self-sabotaging most women on Match are, in my experience. They indicate in their profile's checklist of traits near the end of the profile that they are only looking for divorced men. Which, when you think about it, is really stupid to only pick from men who had failed relationships instead of being open to widowed men who might be great partners and have only had one LTR, like me, that was successful and happy. I guess those narrow-minded women must think that they will be able to find the gems and prize men among all the divorced men on Match instead of ending up dating mostly men who were divorced for good reasons, mainly their faults as a partner.

I appreciate your comment that these narrow-minded, superficial women, as you say, are no loss for me, but when you have had as little success I have had in 20 months on Match in meeting anyone to date, that feels more like a rationalization than comforting.

@TomMcGiverin I agree with you. I'd rather start a relationship with a man who has a good track record with a wife or girlfriend. Divorced people, I am one of them, can sometimes have a lot of hang ups.

@Summer72 Thank you. You are part of a wise, but small minority of women who are divorced and open-minded. Most of them on Match do not seem to be looking at the total person when they are "shopping" on the dating site. They are simply using a checklist as they view the profiles, and they also seem to be choosing only the familiar, namely only seeking men who have only the same lifestyle and background traits as them, on things like having kids, being divorced, being a social drinker, being religious, etc., instead of being open to men with a difference or two from them in those areas.

And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting most things in common or having dealbreakers, we all have them and want those things in a partner. But when someone is really rigid and superficial in their checklist, they miss out on some good people who have the right heart, personality, and ability to compromise, which is necessary in all good relationships, no matter how much alike you both are. Besides, wouldn't it be boring to have a partner who was an opposite gender clone of you?

@Fred_Snerd She doesn't want to kick ME out of MY home

What is your major malfunction? Kick her ass out. Simple.

@Fred_Snerd If you can do sexless living in the same household, you can do sexless walking outside.

You are so right--my husband started killing our marriage almost from the start. Yet I ended up blaming myself for losing interest in sex--I mean I really was wondering what was wrong with me, felt guilty, talked to my doctor, & even tried herbs. But what did he try? Nothing. It was all my problem as far as he was concerned. I love being with a man who appreciates me & shows it every day now. & he gets all the sex he wants & then some.

@Fred_Snerd I'm so sorry to hear that. I think it must be a common problem. My new boyfriend's ex was the same way, as was my ex. It's so hurtful; it's like nothing about you matters to people like that. With my ex, it was basically, "If it's not important to me, then it's not important. I cried & talked & talked, & could not get him to see the damage he was doing to our marriage. I finally gave up & learned to get emotional fulfillment elsewhere. Just because you don't share all of your partner's interests doesn't mean you can't appreciate that they are important to them.

@Fred_Snerd I’m Sorry that your partner stopped investing in your relationship. I do understand what it’s like to be in a one-sided relationship, where one person is there to meet the other’s needs and not vice bets. But in terms of “many older couples” it is often not a one-sided issue, and men who complain that their wives have lost interest in sex have frequently stopped making an effort to make them feel loved, appreciated and valued.

@Fred_Snerd Unfortunately, that kind of fantasy is what a lot, but probably not most women, want, and in my mind they are pretty fucked up mentally and emotionally. I don't want someone like that and they wouldn't want me. But when you are a non-believer and also non-mainstream and non-conforming in some other ways and live in a fairly conservative, traditional area, it doesn't leave a guy like me with many prospects......

@TomMcGiverin There is nothing wrong with expecting to be treated lovingly by your partner. There is nothing wrong with romance. If you plan on withholding that in a relationship then you should be right upfront about it. Same as someone should tell a potential partner that they are not much into sex. Both of those things will otherwise be expected in a normal relationship & if they are not there one or both parties will be unhappy.

@Carin I agree with your points about being people being honest with others. My point was about people expecting nothing but some fantasy in a relationship instead of a realistic relationship with an actual person. Talk about objectifying the other party in advance by treating them as some object to be used in fulfilling a fantasy rather than dealing with them as an actual, complex, flawed human. I hear all the time how women don't want to be objectified by men. Isn't this just another form of that?

@TomMcGiverin Wow. That seriously gave me some perspective!

@Carin You're welcome. That was my intent and I'm glad it was helpful.