The idiot who spoke at my 3 week old son's funeral (my sister asked him to, and being in mourning I didn't care), did a "come to Jesus" call. My husband and I had to hold back our son because he wanted to beat the crap out of him.

Oh, this idiot also told the mourners that we should be happy he died because he is now with our lord and savior and not having to go through the tribulations of living.

Karma got him in the end though. Within a year, this man's wife left him, he lost his job, lost his position at his church, and his kids abandoned him (he disowned his son because he was gay and his family didn't like it).

When my mom's sister (my aunt) died in the mid '80s from a heart attack that was aggravated by alcoholism, my dad's mother told all of us nonchalantly that you can't get into heaven if you abuse alcohol. Mom didn't react because she was already in shock (from the death, not the comment), but I found it one of the most mean spirited things I've ever heard anyone say.

When my great grandmother died, my great grandfather mused on whether she was in heaven or not because she refused to go to his church. (Grandma had some emotional problems and was very likely social phobic in her later years.) Again, I'll never forget it as just stupid, mean spirited, and hateful.

Because I perform secular funerals and celebrations of life, I rarely attend any funerals that I'm not participating in, but last weekend was the celebration of life for a friend of my late mom's. This was a lady who was beloved to many, so there were at least 3,000 people in attendance at the service that went from 9am-4pm, with a luau style luncheon served at the mid-point.

There was a mixture half and half worship service interspersed with personal stories and memories, and of course, what Hawaiian celebration of life is not complete without music and dancing. I knew to expect a lot of worshippy talk, and funny it was not really tied to the deceased, but just praising God and Jesus, because that's what half of the speakers do, the rest just celebrated the life of our loved one. The religious parts were not so bad to make me roll my eyes, but almost. I do know how to show respect in a demi-religious setting. At least there were personal parts for us all to enjoy, and the religious parts were good for getting up and stretching our legs.

When my mother died 25 years ago, she did not want a religious funeral, but that's what she got. I was livid that my sister pressed for a church funeral service, against what was left in my mom's last wishes. That's why I learned how to perform secular funeral services, for those who wish them.

I have also attended several funerals where the focus is more on converting people then helping the brv cope with loss. It always feels a little like emotional blackmail at a vulnerable time. What ever helps people cope with the difficult reality is fine but manipulating people is wrong.

It makes you wonder whose funeral it is... the deceased... Or Jesus'

But this brings to mind something that happened years ago in my family. My husband's grandparents were devout catholics. Every week they put cash in the bucket they pass around the congregation. When my husband's grandfather died, the priest said he couldn't be buried in the church cemetery because there was no record of his contributions to the church. His grandmother left the church that day and never went back. It's a freakin business... they're in the business of taking your money any way they can in return for "everlasting peace". It's just a racket.

I get it. My youngest brother died of brain cancer in 2016; we were very close, and his loss was devastating. He was very devout, yet he loved and accepted me unconditionally; he never judged or preached at anyone, just quietly lived as he believed. I respected that. My second brother, along with much of my other family, are more fake Xtian. At the funeral, my living brother goes into a spiel about how if ‘he was here today, Tim would urge you to be saved’.. Some eulogy.
I was so angry, I was shaking. My ex was there and holding on to me, because I was going to walk out. That was so NOT how my late brother was, nor what a funeral is about.
I just stared holes in them the rest of that awful day, I could barely speak. Disgusting.

Thank you for sharing...your ability to see how this affected the family is spot on...

I attended two funerals this week: one catholic and similar to what you experienced; the other was secular and respectful...as a matter of fact, I saved the memorial program because the man was an intellectual, scientist, educator and the eulogy was based on physics...the last line was: His energy still lives...but it less organized...made much more sense to me and his family...it was definitely as uplifting as a funeral can be.

Definitely one of the reasons I've stopped attending funerals.
I just can't sit through all that anymore.

If you are a nonChristian, then you certainly shouldn't have a Christian pastor at your funeral. However if you attend a Christian's funeral, then you have to remember, as ridiculous as it is to you, that they get comfort from the idea that their loved one is in the arms of God. By proselytizing at the funeral they believe that they are offering that same comfort to everyone else.
It's like being in a foreign culture and you have customs if you're going to be there. If your friend was Christian then this was probably what she would want.

No rant on you are right about conservative Christian preachers who use a time of loss to their self aggrandizement turns my stomach too

Aren't all religions generally the same? What other religious funerals has anyone attended? What was different? It would be interesting to classify religions by sales tactics.

That second story ... man ... losing a child that way. Religion or not, that would be a very hard mountain to climb.

I understand your frustration. The same thing happened at my Grandmother's funeral....and I am fairly certain that the sermon/eulogy that the priest gave (Catholic) was directed at me (probably the only atheist in the church that day). The eulogy was not about my grandmother's life, but rather about how non-believers are "all dressed up with no place to go" (he seriously used that phrase). No am not paranoid, my parents and grandparents are/were lifelong members of this parish and have always been heavily involved (on many levels - committees, lay-ministers, etc..) and I am pretty positive that my father has discussed my atheism with that priest. To say the least, it was a very disappointing funeral.

I have had the same experience. These days I go to the calling hours and not the service.

You have to understand that some people need a safety net in life. This net could be diverse but for a large population it’s Jesus. It’s how some cope. But please don’t be like them on the other end of the spectrum. Be compassionate. Be understanding. You celebrate the life.

I understand. I went to a similar funeral recently. I felt like part of a captive audience. I exchanged glances with a few others who felt the same. Then I just withdrew into my mind until it was over. It really took away from the family grieving feelings I wanted to share. I think this type of over the top preaching should be limited out of courtesy to people of other faiths who are attending.

Since I live in Iowa, which is semi-Bible Belt, I have run into this a lot over the years from attending funerals. I guess I just don't get too fazed over it as it seems to be SOP for any Christian church doing a funeral. So I just show up out of respect, love, or friendship with the deceased and blow off or tune out all of the God and Jesus talk. The way I see it, they get to have it their way at their place, I (and the rest of us non-believers) get to have it our way at memorial services for ourselves and our fellow non-believers, whether we have them at a Unitarian church or a funeral home. I feel that when you're a visitor to a foreign or alien culture or tribe, your role is to be a polite, respectful guest and hopefully, but not always, when they are on your turf, their role is the same. In my experience, when believers have showed up at a Unitarian memorial service, they have quickly figured out that the service is secular and they have behaved themselves respectfully and politely, as they realize they are the foreign minority there. They may privately feel the same way as you did about this fundy funeral, but the point is, they didn't raise a fuss about it.

The best we can hope for is mutual respect and peaceful co-existence. As long as we are able to honor and celebrate the lives of our loved ones our way when we are the ones entrusted by them to make the service arrangements, why should we care what the believers do in the services they hold for their dead loved ones? I don't.

I understand. I've been in similar situations. The last funeral I attended was my great uncle's funeral. I left before the minister even got up to do the eulogy. This was at a black holiness church and there was a lot of hooping and hollering from ministers and singers. Lot's of loud fast music to evoke emotions and encourage 'spiritual' dancing. And a LOT of shouting at the audience telling us how much we should be praising god. I literally just got up and walked out in the middle of all of this, because I couldn't deal with it. I was raised as a Christian in this type of environment, but it's just so foreign to me now. But I do agree. Many funerals are used as a platform to push certain beliefs (generally Christian in the US). It definitely was not a place for people of other beliefs to feel comfortable while paying their respects.

The ministers at all but one of the family funerals I've attended have used it as a opportunity to preach to an audience they were sure didn't get very much church in their lives. They weren't wrong but given the amount of giggling the entire family did, I don't think it worked too well.

I'm sure in their minds, the minister and husband thought they were honoring your boss as she would have wanted. I don't think they hear how ridiculous it sounds to the nonreligious.

Sorry you had to go through this. A "commercial for Jesus" is a good way of phrasing it. A friend of mine died a few years ago and we had a wake planned for him at the Community Center. He was no longer religious but had some friends who were. His wife had already passed on. This was supposed to be about a remembrance of his life. Before it was over I thought it was a revival meeting.

You also have to watch JW's for this at their funerals. They mostly have a closed casket and then the service turns into something you need to start doing in order to make sure you have "hope" and death is not your final destiny. It seems that everybody alive is so damned afraid.

It's frustrating, but I hope you feel a bit better. And they're still in your memory.

So sorry to hear about that young man. What an awful loss. I hope that woman spent some time in prison.
It really is despicable to turn a memorial service into a recruitment rally. Everyone's so afraid to piss off their god or blame him when terrible things happen. And just how does one "put god first"? I've always wondered that since I hear it all the time.

I attended a C of E service once where the son of the deceased was a hard line Christian. As the pall bearers were about to pickup his mothers coffin he stopped the service to give a sermon on signingup to Jesus. He went from being a fringe Christian to cringe Christian. Deeply embarrising.

Afterwards he tried to talk to people in the hall and everyone without exception turned their back on him.
It was like " Dude.......seriously."

religious funerals have to be about how great and forgiving god is and that the dead have gone to heaven to be with him....otherwise there is no point in going to church, donating money, being 'good' throughout life - doing all that stuff to get your ticket into heaven

that's what funerals are for around here..... exonerate the deceased (usually) and rally the troops.