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I am in love with this woman and we've been seeing each other for 3 years now. It's so difficult to actually be with her due to her children. After listening to her stories of past relationships I've really tried hard to not be like the men in them. I wanted to get her families blessing to be with her and to not be afraid that i would be another big mistake. To show how serious I am about her i even proposed to her to which she said yes. I was over the moon but surprised she kept that to herself. She is so afraid of her families disapproval that she constantly engages in a game of smoke and mirrors about us. As a result I still can't be with her or even spend the evening or night with her except once a week for a few hours. I know all the signs are screaming out that she just isnt ready to have a healthy relationship with me and it really hurts me so much. I can't help how i feel about her and have recently developed thoughts of ending my life because it seems easier then living with the hurt of not being able to be with her. I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking to friends but it does'nt help and I've tried talking to 'her' about it and she just says 'it will happen'. I am on the brink.

By Nardi7
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53 comments

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0

If it was possible to die of a broken heart, I would have been gone long ago! And there were several times that my actions were not designed to get me to old age, but thankfully I survived them. Age and a long period of being alone have taught me I can survive alone. I still have strong feelings for my last ex-wife and we are platonic friends. I continue in my heart to think it could be more, but know in my head he’ll would freeze over first. But since I can’t seem to even get a dinner date at this point, having a friend to watch my dog or an occasional meal with is at least something. I love her son, he was a big part of our being together in the first place. So it is easier to stay in his life if his mom and I are friends. And she is so miserable no one else can put up with her for very long, so I am pretty much her only support system. 😁 Hang in there, it sounds like she is working things out. Some people need to wade into the pool slowly. Enjoy the time you spend together, continue to show respect for her needs, and never despair. If you wait, life has a way of working things out.

12

How old is the lady ? Y family's opinion / approval is so important to her ?
How old are the kids ?
Does she live w her family ? Or , not allowed to have a man in the house w kids ( court / law / custody rules )?
Do u spend time w her kids as it is ? Do they know u ?
I feel your anxiety and your agony of losing her .
I don't feel her anxiety or agony of losing u . What makes her feel that u are not going away ever ?
has she asked u to " wait ", and for how long ?
What will happen if u ask her to be a family now , or u might " walk away "? Would she lose her shit and try to keep the love of her life ?
What's her relationship w the father (s) of kids ?
Is she financially stable or independent ?
U r 51 and Alive and capable of loving .
That alone is wonderful if u ask me , and congrats .
Dead u won't make a difference to many , and definitely none to u . Stay Alive . Either u get what u want , either u ll have stories to tell my friend .

I can't give u any meaningful advice not knowing all the facts . All I can say is what I know from experiances : we only live Once . If this one is not the one to taste happiness and life togheter , man , like my father used to say , " there are many orange trees that make huge oranges too ".
Be a gentleman , save your pride , ask , try , f even beg on the name of love . Absolutely . But after a point , pack your imaginary suitcase and arivederci roma . Door mats are very useful . Everybody has one . But not exactly to die for item u know . U are nobody's doormat sir . U are a human .

Take two weeks off to think . Smile to self . Alive and lovable . So much world to see .

Pralina1 Level 8 June 29, 2019

Have you been saving up for that one? smile001.gif

@Sticks48 Huh ?

Thank you for seeing the seriousness of his statement.

@Pralina1 I just meant that it was one of your more lengthy replies, that's all. smile001.gif

9

After listening to her stories of past relationships I've really tried hard to not be like the men in them.

That alone would have turned me off. You shouldn’t have to perform for someone or beg for her approval. The rest has been covered by everyone else. She’s not for you.

altschmerz Level 9 June 28, 2019
8

Don't try to"not be the "other men" in her past life. Only be you.

8

So sad you are suffering for a toxic and a selfish love. Put your peace and emotional health first. Save your time, energy and love for someone who really wants to be with you.

8

Sorry that you're hurting, but there is nothing about your relationship with the woman you described that indicates she is serious about a future with you. She's keeping your relationship a secret from nearly everyone she knows. That is a HUGE red flag to me. When I read what you'd written, my first thought was that she is married and keeping that from you. Sure, maybe she's been involved with guys who weren't so great, in the past, but something about what she's saying does not ring true to me. Granted, I'm only hearing your side of it, but I don't see any reason why you would make up such a story.

I strongly suggest seeking professional help to assist you as you navigate this chapter in your life.

There isn't anyone on this entire planet who is worth killing yourself over. I cannot possibly stress this enough.

You've proven you're a stand-up guy, you've proven you ARE worthy.
Seems to me that she's the one who is not worthy of you.
Please go talk to a professional. She's not worth your life.

KKGator Level 9 June 28, 2019

I agree. A big fucking red flag. Hiding a relationship is inherently wrong.

8

She has other priorities, other commitments. She is telling you in her actions. Actions always speak louder than words.

Seeker3CO Level 8 June 28, 2019
7

1) don't end your life
2 no seriously, 1-800-273-8255
3) we've all been there, just please don't end your life 1-800-273-8255

JordanG76 Level 4 June 29, 2019

The man is in UK.

@postmaster thanks, I missed that, good on putting up another number

7

Therapy. If she refuses to go - you go for at least yourself.

Hammering it out with someone impartial will help you.
And it sounds like you need the support right now.

Here are the crisis helplines in your area. They can help you find someone to see.

[en.wikipedia.org]
999 and 112 is the national emergency number in the United Kingdom
111, Option 2, is the National Health Services' First Response Service for mental health crises and support. This is not available in all areas of the country yet.
Samaritans [samaritans.org] is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United Kingdom.[29] They provide a 24/7, toll-free crisis line, as well as local branches.
Samaritans Helpline can be reached at 116 123.
Samaritans' previous hotline number, 08457 90 90 90, is no longer in use. Calling this line may result in charges for call forwarding.
Campaign Against Living Miserably [thecalmzone.net] is a registered charity[30] based in England. It was launched in March 2006 as a campaign aimed at bringing the suicide rate down among men aged 15–35.[31] It has a limited-hour phone and webchat options.
CALM (Nationwide) can be reached at 0800 58 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM (London) can be reached at 0808 802 58 58 (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
CALM webchat can be found at [thecalmzone.net] (available every day from 5PM to midnight).
Shout ([giveusashout.org] is the UK's first free 24/7 text service for anyone in crisis anytime, anywhere. It is a place to go for those struggling to cope and in need of immediate help. Shout exists in the US as 'Crisis Text Line', but this is the first time the tried and tested technology has come to the UK.
Get Help Text 85258

RavenCT Level 9 June 28, 2019
7

Please seek help immediately. If you are thinking of ending your life you must get help. This has nothing to do with your relationship.

GreatNani Level 8 June 28, 2019
6

Please contact the Life Line number in your area.
Talking to a professional will help you a great deal. I mean this. They want to talk to you.
Please do this for YOU. Right now YOU matter!
There's NO REASON IN THIS WORLD TO WANT TO END YOUR LIFE.
You need to understand relationships can be a risk. You've entered into a hopeful partnership that doesn't seem promising right now. and a lot doesn't sound right too! It's not your fault!
LIFE IS TOO PRECIOUS NO MATTER THE DISAPPOINTMENTS.
Take time off, go on a holiday if you can. Clear your mind from negative thoughts. and do not think about ending your life!

Super good advice !

6

From my life experiences I see two red flags in this relationship. First off...you are literally thinking that you might need to end YOUR life, if you cannot spent it with this person. Second...this person is not yet living her own life...someone, who must keep ‘quiet,’ about something as serious a their ‘real,’ love relationship is not living by her own rules. Which by the way...should this fall to pieces, she can say...it wasn’t anything that she did and she can put the blame on the other person. Because, she wasn’t all ‘in’ ...in the first place. She is holding back part of herself...why? (Believe what you witness with your own eyes, from the evidence...not a ‘fairy tale’ feeling!)
On the subject of ‘ending your own life,’ ...this may only be an indicator that you clearly know... if this does not work out, you will have to face the ‘pain’ of your life! When we are attached to anyone at this level and it doesn’t end up the way we thought and hoped it would...there is pain...pain like we never thought possible! This has been known down through the ages and if ever a person has been in this ‘kind,’ of love, they can verify that it is the very worst place to find yourself! So now, a person must ask themselves...is this ‘love,’ worth snuffing out my life over? How will this show...that indeed this was ‘real,’ love? Sometimes, we simply want get, what we wanted...no matter how much screaming went on...before or afterwards! Ofcourse, the ball is in your court! Good luck!

6

My last boyfriend was like that. His favorite statement was "We know what we are with each other".

I would suggest two things: 1) therapy so you can determine why you feel that death is better than being with her, and 2) leave her ass before she causes any more self-destruct tendencies.

It's very obvious that she's not into you and is stringing you on for her own entertainment. You deserve something better.

kiramea Level 7 June 28, 2019
6

If you are considering doing yourself harm over a relationship, then she is not the only person not ready for marriage. Get the hell out, and if you think you need someone else to confirm your self worth, then you definitely need some help from a professional. Otherwise, you will be stepping into one huge pile of shit that will end in divorce, and an even worse situation. Stop believing what you want to believe, that is for christians to do.

THHA Level 7 June 28, 2019
5

Dude I'm gonna say this as concisely as I can. Get the fuck out now. It may hurt, but it'll be better in the long run. And speaking of the long run, run long and run far from that situation.

motrubl4u Level 7 June 29, 2019
5

Cut your losses and run for the hills. And I'm quite serious. This is a very bad and one sided relationship. Go on vacation and forget her.

ADKSparky Level 7 June 29, 2019
5

This is toxic. You deserve better.

5

Clearly, there is more complication going on (not sure what "it's so difficult to actually be with her due to her children" means. Perhaps you could elaborate on that. But I have to agree with what many other commenters have said here about her stringing you along. This may be the reality of it. I can relate a bit to your situation, but there were significant differences in mine (which I would be happy to share privately). I have read some of your comments on other posts and I perceive that you are a very sensitive person. From your post here, I think you have gone out of your way to accommodate this woman. I think that is unhealthy. There is nothing wrong with a fair amount of compromise in a relationship, but what you have going on is unhealthy for you. I know it hurts, but I agree with others that you deserve someone who values you as much as you value them. If you are seriously considering self-harm, then please seek counseling. But I think the best self-therapy you can do here is to cut the cord with this person and step back and adjust your perspective. Try to see it for what it is. When you realize she may have been using you, stringing you along, your pain will become anger.

Take care, my friend. You have been around this site long enough to know there are people here who are great listeners and are here to help.

IAMGROOT Level 7 June 28, 2019
5

This has been going on for far too long. I've had that feeling and almost made it there but, instead, I packed up and moved on. I am so much better for it.

Best of luck!

5

Is this the same girl you said was in love with one of her dying older patients a while back, but she denied it all the time? I don't remember everything from the story, but it was red flags galore with this woman from what I remember. If you end anything, you need to end the relationship and start clean, not your life. According to you, she has been doing this for a while to you. At least seek therapy before you do anything else.

5

So sorry you are having such a tough time. Please seek professional help immediately. Sometimes things seem so dark and confusing...it immobilizes us. A therapist can help you unravel these thoughts and feelings. You don't have to go through this alone.

4

So many red flags in this narrative. I’d get out before you waste more time. She’s definitely playing you like a fiddle. I’ve been played too, it hurts like hell, but he’s someone else’s problem now.

MayQueen Level 6 June 28, 2019
4

Sounds like she's playing you; keeping secrets, only a few hours at a time -- she's married. I don't think it's her kids blessing she needs, I think it's her husband's and he's probably not gonna give it.

Even if she's not married you're still getting played in some way.

Sgt_Spanky Level 7 June 28, 2019
4

I'll share something with you that was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage. Suggest couples counseling and see how she reacts. My at-the-time wife exploded at me when I suggested it, one of her primary reasons being that she didn't want to bring some stranger into our marriage. I never bought that for a second.

bingst Level 8 June 28, 2019
4

I think we had this very same conversation before you proposed to her. If I remember, you hadn't even ever spent the night together. Her children are nearing adulthood (16, I think, the youngest?)

There's really only one person that can fix this situation. You. You'll never get passed this of you don't start getting passed it.

4

Sorry to hear all that. But I shall be blunt, if she was feeling about you as you feel about her, then she would not act the way she does. You need to leave, and don't for one moment think about that there is nobody else there for you because there is. She is using you for her own purposed, whatever they may be. Why on all earth would you want to kill yourself, what purpose would that achieve? I know you are hurting but before you met her you were alone and you did survive, you will survive this too and there will be someone who will suit you better, who will treat you better who will love you and you will love them. If as you say her children are the difficulty in the relationship what makes you think that that would stop even if you were to get married or move in together. Seems like she will always put those children before you or anyone else. I suspect that they are not young children but either teenagers or adults. Get out and put your energies into things that you love doing. One step at a time. Many of us have been where you are and we are fine after the event.

Jolanta Level 8 June 28, 2019
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