Whenever I witness someone make a particularly racist or sexist joke I pretend I don't get it and ask them to explain it. Things tend to get awkward real fast after that.

I work in the service industry and get called a "mother fucker" more that you'd expect for northern Utah. Back when I was still married I'd point to my wedding ring and say "yeah I am". Usually shut them up pretty good. ?

Whenever someone wants me to "Come round and just rub my tits all over them." I promise to leave them one in my will then they can do with it what they like. I must admit I'd have to be a sow to keep all those promises.

Questioner: “Do you believe in God?”
Responder: “Which one?”

When you own dogs you get people who just want to tell you how bigger and better there dog is for some reason without even asking. a bloke looked at my alsation once and said "nice dog but mine is twice as big" I responded by saying "wow 56" at the shoulder, id love to see an alsation that big" or they say its just a dog and I say your just a human.

I LIVE to control the conversation with humor, and, depending on the company, I can be quite "inappropriate". I can't do it on demand, though, it is just spontaneous combustible banter.

As a transwoman I deal with shit all day long..90% from men and about 10% from women. Depending on who says what I either say "More of a woman than you'll ever have" (men).women on the hand say the "You'll NEVER be a Real Woman" to which I quip "Funny I was think the same about you..Dear"

I always figure out the best thing to say... as soon as the conversation is already over.

Member of management: I notice you take vacation on halloween, do you practice witchcraft?
Me: Your're not allowed to ask me that

Spent several years being amused by his fear.

Im almost horrified to admit this, and not intending to insult anyone, but without exception, every single comment I just read was cringeworthy at best. I mean a couple were ok....maybe.. in the early 90's? Cmon people!! If someone asks an inappropriate question (and I do not consider asking about weight loss inappropriate, I consider it a compliment) then feed into the morbid fantasy of the human species, why not?? But instead of saying, yep about 40 lbs! Then walking away while casually mentioning, thanks for noticing! To say, yeah about 265, cause this deadbeat dude aint on my hip etcetc. I know its not an exact quote but thats the impression left by such answers.

Look I know its awkward as fuck right now and I feel it myself how much of an asshole im coming off as so ill extend an olive branch. I understand the desire to avoid the feeling of being trapped and the intuition of knowing, "where this conversation is headed." I just don't know if this attitude is always the right way to look at these instances. Im trying to pick my words graciously here, but I simply can not express this sentiment as deeply and as impactfully as I feel it is necessary for others to really grasp the depth to which this is the truth... and that is, in our individual realities, we are, each of us, and in our own ways, the stars of the show. I can see you, (you reading this) are a human being, you have a nose, right. I can not see how complex and brilliant your mind is. People arent asking questions of each other to find out how much weight youve lost. They are asking questions to show you how well they pay attention to something theyve literally spent about 3 seconds thinking about in their entire life, on a subject youve likely been thinking about for a minimum of a couple months if not a lifetime. So to get an admittedly quick witted response to a question that is illposed in the first place doesnt end conversation due to this mind bending wit of yours. It ends conversation because the assumption to begin with, is not only false, but it fails to recognize the actual point being raised, that I noticed you.

I try to be funny. a lot of times people don’t get my humour. Ican be an aquired taste.

Humor always works. Anything to divert the conversation works. Of course, the atom bomb of comebacks is to start talking about your health problems. They will quickly find an excuse to leave.

Only when it is at their expense!

Humor kind of defuses it a bit. If that doesn't work, I've had to resort to blunt assertiveness. If you have to get to that level, it doesn't matter how the other person takes it.

I think both jokes and blunt refusals work.
It depends on my mood which I'll use.

you're funny! one i say that nobody gets is when somebody says "dam it's windy"... i say "it's not wednesday, it's (whatever day it is)"

I like to make people who make things awkward even more awkward, if not downright vile. I see your invasive question and raise you. Your move, chatty kathy/karl!

If someone askes an invasive question I raise an eyebrow and say, "Why do you ask?" Then I change the subject before they can reply.

However, when some rude, crude, creepy dude on this website asked a horrifyingly sexual question about my being transmale I immediately flagged him, and his post disappeared. I wish getting rid of jerks in real life was that easy..

Love these. For me, those would be conversation starters (depending on your affect at the time of delivery), not enders. Same for me, being humorous usually leads to a long conversation, even when I am being a bit blunt.

"Do you play basketball?"

"No, are you a jockey?"

I don't put any weight into things people say about me. It makes these responses unnecessary.

I get this one all the time; " Wow are you ever tall." My answer usually goes; "I hadn't noticed, I just thought you were really short."

Most definitely. You seem to be doing fine on your own. Not sure you need help.

I was asked by a smartass coworker... " Hey old buddy you gettin much lately... (responded)... you'd probably think it was a lot " ... end of conversation, also, was loud enough for those present to hear... are you wondering what "gettin much" was... really?

Jerk: god you're such a fatass bet you own stock in mcdonalds
Me: I can always lose weight, but you'll always have a tiny dick