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Starved For Practicing Emotional Intimacy (SFPEI)

#1: PRACTICING EMOTIONAL CONNECTABILITY
Existing alone with these capabilities, I'm starved to death for connection. As for everything else besides this, I'm good. – I take VERY good, complete care of all my needs myself, and I do not want anyone close to me in my life who is not capable of practicing emotional connection / intimacy.

This involves having the base of emotional intelligence, the courage to be emotionally open, the integrity to be emotionally honest, the inner reach and reflectiveness to clearly select, define, and express about your deepest sublime sensitivities and emotions, and the emotional connective drive to, at times, share it all reciprocally with your partner.

You begin this journey with practicing meditation / self hypnosis to develop mental control, visual recall, and visual creation / synthesis. Alternately you develop, deepen and refine your total self-knowledge, by outlining, searching, and examining every possible facet of your entire personality, to develop full conscious awareness of everything you are, hold, believe, trust, long for, fear, suspect, rely on, and can be. It's always a practice, never a destination.

Bonus: These skills are fully transferrable into tantric practice. Hence, if I can never find an available woman who is capable of this (I haven't yet – must be looking in the wrong places), then I'm fully content to live completely alone, without ever touching another woman for the rest of my life.

#2: FRIENDSHIP
I like friends, but I don't have a lot of free time and I REALLY want to find a woman who is highly capable of being emotionally intelligent, emotionally open, emotionally honest, emotionally deep, and emotionally sharing. I'll gradually start bringing up those topics, if we seem to be continuing. So, if it gradually becomes pretty clear that you're either not interested or not capable of being highly emotionally intimate, then I'm really going to need to refocus my limited resources back toward my goals.

#3: SEX
I want sexual connection on a deeper emotional level... meditative... tantric…

Purely physical booty calls and other forms of non- or shallow emotionally connected sex are damaging to the relationship and to your partner's emotional / psychological health. I never want that kind of sex again, even if she's a billionaire.

#4: MOVING FORWARD
I will still meet women, occasionally, go on dates, do the talk, whatever… But, I'm not going to get physically intimate, unless it is as the result of some very healthy emotional intimacy first.

#5: WHY AM I DOING THIS?
I have learned emotional intelligence, independence, and explored sharing a bit. It feels good – different and better than sex, because it is more connected. I feel more than anything, this is what I need.

Sex, by itself is okay… exciting, especially at first with a new person – everything is “new”. But, even with a live-in relationship, without deep emotional connections, it gradually gets old, frequency dwindles, and then you just coast along in this gradually more boring but stable relationship.

Without deep emotional intimacy, the relationship just dries up, because you stop learning anything deeper about each other, and life with each other becomes just like another job. You both loose track of the dynamic and growing inner personality that both of you are. And that's when the conflicts begin, leading up to “well I just don't know who the hell you are anymore…”, the beginning of the end.

So, after 5 to 7, maybe 10 years, unless you stay together longer, “for the kids”, the relationship just goes away.

#6: FINAL RESOLVE
My big relationships were 13, 6, 9, and 5 years respectively. Each relationship is unique in it's own flows and details, but the general pattern is the same. The last was a bit bizarre, but in the previous two of these relationships, I attempted to formally discuss some fledgling ideas I had at the time about sharing emotional and psychological relationship factors better. But in both of those, the entire discussion was dismissed by my partner before I could even finish the introduction of my ideas, and I continued in the relationships anyway.

My ideas, today, are vastly refined from what they used to be in those old days. Today, I present them right upfront, to every possible candidate for relationship. I know that many will avoid me specifically, because of these ideas, before they have even a chance to know me at all in person. That's fine – it’s what I want. This is my screening net.

CuriosityExtant 7 Aug 21
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17 comments

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1

TOTALLY AGREE. Thought I had it with Dan but I never did. Starting over is scary. Half a relationship is not enough. I want it all! If that makes me selfish then I know I need to come first. This concept is new to me!

2

So out of how many single, not gay, women seeking the exact same thing as you -do you suppose there are? I was having PMs with someone on here and "something" I didn't agree with was a deal breaker. I wondered where the hell that came from since I wasn't interested in a relationship with the person and then all communication ended. I found that amusing. Out of no where came the "deal breaker". So many men on date sites have "deal breakers" and the odds of finding someone with the same ideals is rare to say the least esp. in a short time. I can't speak for the women cuz I don't look at their profiles.
From Wiki as well as other sources online. Tantra is an aspect of a religion. "Richard Payne states that Tantra has been commonly but incorrectly associated with sex, given popular culture's prurient obsession with intimacy. Tantra has been labelled as the "yoga of ecstasy", driven by senseless ritualistic libertinism.[21] This is far from the diverse and complex understanding of what Tantra means to those Buddhists, Hindu and Jains who practice it.[21]"
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1

I agree. As a TV and film nut I can also say that the worst kind of sex is what you see in movies and TV. Sometimes they simply throw in a sex scene and it was not even needed. I'm also not a fan of the "head banging" sex that is often added and supposedly considered normal. That would have to be extremely distracting for both parties.

1

I am with you 150%! You said it all.

2

I agree. I have found it before and I hope to find it again. It takes a good 4 months of friendship to start to get there and most people on dating sites are nowhere near patient enough for that.

1

For me--going in any relationship, whether just on line friendship to long term relationship is best done just being present and getting to know someone from a blank canvas. When I am not doing that it is past based. Who knows what new qualities, relationship skills, or incredible connection can be made without vigilance for deficits and superior qualities we think the person needs or can't have. For me I miss what could have been, like even something new and exciting that I never experienced or knew about. That is the fresh new experience I can have connecting to someone without our wish lists blurring our view.

@adaptable1958 cool, will check it out

@adaptable1958 I can be very analytical at times and others more a feeler. I am attracted to intellectuals more than not. My degrees are in psychology and mental health counseling. So I get, over thinking things. It has never worked for me. I end up in a relationship with lots of mutual intellectual masturbation that gets in the way of maintaining a deep connection. Hence I have found just coming from the heart, leaving all that stuff behind and being present and curious and having fun when getting to know anyone or being in a relationship with someone. If they arent a good fit, it may be a short exchange, but at least I will know I wasn't setting it up that way by making sure my past experiences I didnt want to repeat or past experiences I wanted to have again, were not coloring my present experience and missing a deep connection with another.

@adaptable1958 I get what you are saying, just not my perspective for relationships. I am glad this works for ypu

0

You and I have arrived at the same state....best wishes for you!

1

Thank you from the bottom of my soul. I could have not put into words what you expressed, but I wholeheartedly agree with you. The part that often floors me the most is the friendship part. I have friends already. I have some beautiful and genuine adopted/chosen sisters who love me unconditionally and vice versa. And I also have a lot of acquaintances; people with whom I share common interests. I work fulltime. And I don't want to date to make more friends. It's alright that hey, it sounded good, we met, we didn't click - we tried, now let's stop wasting each other's time.

Agreed. I don't join dating sites to make more friends. I already have enough, tho I wish more of them were single and thus available to get together more often. But let's not kid anybody, esp. ourselves, that people do not join paid dating sites to make platonic friends. They are seeking dating partners that hopefully will also become sexual partners as well. So when we meet and there isn't mutual attraction, time to move on and not play games or waste each other's time with friendzone relationships as a regular practice when we don't click.

0

You won't get #3 without #2.

1of5 Level 8 Aug 21, 2019

@adaptable1958 you want your cake and to eat it too, sounds like.

A friendship that can support advanced (btw, what in the world are advanced emotions, anyways? The phrase sounds dangerously close to something Depok Chopra would say trying to sell books) emotional connection/commitment/satisfaction only happens through time, effort, commitment, and trial and error. If you can't or won't take the time to build the friendship then it'll never happen.

@adaptable1958 screening for candidates? Well if that doesn't sound like an invitation into advanced emotional intimacy I just don't know what is.

What's being described is just being balanced, nothing advanced about it imo.

But whatever. Good luck in the screening proccess. Is there a questionnaire that accompanies this proccess or do you just improvise as the situation presents itself?

@adaptable1958 intimacy to me is an "advanced" state of connectedness, to me. There is no mediocre or almost there intmacy. kind of like advanced joy, or hate. And not saying I am right, this is how I view it.

0

I do hope you find that emotional connection you crave. Men and women both come with varied emotional and physical needs. I'm pretty sure my marriage contained a wonderful emotional connection but it didn't require self evaluation to any great extent. I wonder whether you would be more successful in your quest if you didn't just wait a bit before outlining your emotional needs. I don't mean here on this site but on a first date. Many people do not perform well under pressure.

0

Bravo sir.

0

Bravo!! I appreciate beyond words the courage and honesty of this post. I think after we’ve been around a while, we (at least a lot of us) learn the beauty and sacredness that come from loving, committed, dirty sex with that one amazing person we share our life with. Empty “robot” sex is completely unfulfilling — in any way — to me. ❤️

1

I also want or need the emotional intimacy before sexual intimacy. She needs to be emotionally mature.

CS60 Level 7 Aug 21, 2019
3

That is all very true. But you are not unique at all, you have to remember that men on dating sites tend, (note tend) to be a special subset of the male population, and that maybe with some exceptions they are not typical of the whole.

@adaptable1958 Well there are a few on this page, at least.

2

WOW, JUST WOW ! 👍👍👍
You may have been reading my mind when you wrote that ! I could not agree more, healthy emotional intimacy is the KEY !

2

There is a lot of truth in your post. Too bad most people are not ready or willing to hear it in the dating sites. I really wish there was a way to require people to get some therapy before they go on dating sites and inflict their shit on others while blaming everyone but themselves for the drama and dysfunction that surrounds them and those they touch. The line about bleeding on those who didn't cut you is priceless. I am so sick of the paranoia of some women directed at all men they encounter. If they cannot lose that, they have no business trying to date as they will never give a decent man a chance or find anyone that gets past their defenses...

Just pointing out you do not like the paranoia that women direct at all men. Yet you appear to be lumping all women into a category as well.

I can only speak for myself, but there are certain patterns I look for when speaking to a man on a dating site. I generally do not assume the guy is a player unless he starts with the telltale signs. For example, bringing up sex shortly after talking, referring to me by a pet name (sweetie, honey, sexy, etc) prior to ever having met, being evasive about meeting even after conversing for a few weeks (married), etc.

I’m sure men also have a mental list of warning signs they look out for as well

2

One doesn't know if one doesn't ask. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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