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Would you rather be in love or have someone be in love with you?

Obviously most would prefer to have a mutual situation, but it doesn't always happen that way.

Have you ever been in love with someone who didn't love you? Or have you ever had someone who was in love with you, but you did not feel the same?

itsmedammit 8 Nov 27

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Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is often the reason we need stuff like a restraining order and pepper spray,

So true. I think loving someone is often much saner than being in love.

And possibly therapy.


I don't think I've ever been in love, at least not true love, where it was mutual. So, I can't comment on that ideal. I did have a strong fondness for someone once, but the timing wasn't right and I didn't pursue it. It was a nice feeling to want to be with someone, even though it didn't work out.

When I was young, I always thought I wanted someone to love me. Turns out that is hell, for me anyway.

To have someone love me, when I don't want their love, seems to have been the problem of my life, and kept me from finding my own happiness, I think. The only love I have experienced from men seems to be possessive and controlling, where my every moment is owned by that person.

Now that I'm totally on my own, except for an ex-boyfriend who is trying every trick in the book to get me back, I'm much happier. My life is my own, and I don't really care if anyone ever loves me again. I would rather have me, myself, the way I want to be, doing the things I love to do, not sacrificing the way I want to live my life, for someone else's way of life.

It is true that the person being sought after has some power in the relationship, in a way, but the person doing pursuing can have power over that person too, if they know how to exploit what are normally good qualities, such as loyalty.

I'm good without the power plays, and just want to enjoy my life without interference. Hate to sound like a grinch, but I don't really think true love is out there for me, so I'm happy to do without that romantic love I always dreamed of.

Next time some guy comes into my life wanting to control me, I will say "no thanks" been there done that. It's time to live my own life now.

I have experienced those controlling situations in the remote past and would never wish to go back to that. Yes, life is easier without the complications of a relationship. Still, I would like a long term situation, but not marriage.

you're an amazing person Julie808 <3 all this self-possessed independence AND you officiate weddings!!! such inner grace.


If a mutual love isn’t an option, I’d prefer to be in love. I’d prefer to be responsible for my actions and emotions than feel like I was hurting another person.

I’ve been infatuated with other people, and not had them return my affection, but there was never enough of a relationship to call it love.

I tend to agree. Hard as it may be, I'd rather be on the more loving end . . . I think.


Yes, and yes, but oh so long ago that I hardly remember it. Now i just simply love myself every day.

Been awhile for me, too.


I wouldn't want it one way or the other. I would prefer it be mutual. Otherwise, what's the use?

Yes, that would be ideal but it doesn't always work out that way.


I've been strongly attracted to someone else without them feeling the same and I have had others profess their love without me being attracted to them in that way.

Unless it is mutual... I'd rather have neither.


The story of my life. Always one way or the other, my personal statistics don't matter here. Suffice to say, the few ones that found each other, I wonder at times if the realize how incredibly lucky they really are....

Yeah, I agree. I've never had it be totally mutual.


Not a difficult choice: The latter. By far. It's way better to be loved.


As I have posted before, "love" is a is more aptly called, "consorting pairs"...a temporary hormonal condition. My theory that there is no such thing as romantic love is supported by the number of divorces (about 50%), and the large number of unhappy marriages. But, hope seems to spring eternal despite the evidence.

The divorce rate has nothing to indicate about romantic love. It just indicates that marriage is not a good idea for a lot of people.

@itsmedammit Not a good idea for "most people" or even a few people. Hold up your left count the number of marriages that you know for sure were happy...don't worry, you will not need your right hand.
You still are harboring the illusion of romantic love, aren't you?

@dahermit I was pointing out that marriage and romantic love are two different things.

@itsmedammit I can prove (or at least give good evidence), that marriage exists. Can you prove that romantic love exists and not just nature's way of temporarily coupling a pair to enable offspring? I am all ears. 🙂

@dahermit People have different experiences with love. Perhaps some cannot love. First you say romantic love does not exist, and then you define it as a hormonal situation. Which is it? To me, the hormonal situation sounds a little more like infatuation or simple lust.

But beyond all that, the original post asked an entirely different question. You are under no obligation whatsoever to respond to a post if you have not a relevant answer.

@itsmedammit The concept of "romantic love" is but an illusion reinforced by our society. I just pointed out that consorting pairs are generally part of other species mating habits. That is what I meant. It is a beautiful lie...that most romantic people (more women than men) are not comfortable with. In other words, they would much rather believe the beautiful lie than have to contend with the reality. Myself, I would rather know the truth than believe the lie, no matter how attractive it is. I remember watching "Out of Africa", where Streep's character was pressuring Redford's character into getting married and he said, "What married couple do you know that you would want to pattern your marriage after?" And, she could not answer. It struck me the same...of all the married people over my lifetime that I knew, only one couple seemed to be and remain "in love". How "real" can romantic love be, if it is that very rare? It strikes me as being more likely just nature's "consorting pairs" (a temporary mating coupling), in the first place.

@itsmedammit "I was pointing out that marriage and romantic love are two different things." Yes they are...and after marriage, the romance quickly fades away.
Here is a song I remember from the sixties: (Before Dolly sang it though) 🙂

We'll Sing in the Sunshine
Dolly Parton

We'll sing in the sunshine
We'll laugh every day
We'll sing in the sunshine
And I'll be on my way
I will never love you
The cost of love's too dear
But though I'll never love you
I'll live with you one year
And we will sing in the sunshine
We'll laugh every day
We'll sing in the sunshine
And I'll be on my way
I'll sing to you each morning
I'll kiss you every night
But darlin', don't cling to me
I'll soon be out of sight
But we can sing in the sunshine
We'll laugh every day
We'll sing in the sunshine
And I'll be on my way
My daddy he once told me
Hey, don't you love you any man
Just take what they can give you
And give but what you can
And you can sing in…

@dahermit I don't think anyone here suggested that romantic love, however you choose to define it, lasts forever. And no one here was necessarily talking about marriage either. A lot of people do not get married. It is a personal choice.

@dahermit And Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. I try to not base my life on country songs. 🙂

@itsmedammit Not a "country song" may have been sung by Dolly Parton at one time, but Gail Garnet made it popular in the early sixties (before Dolly was poplular). It was a "Pop" style, not "Country". 🙂

@itsmedammit My point is, that the popular notion of "love" is nonsense (and brief), invented and perpetuated by our society. Nothing more, nothing less.


Either way is bad for both people.

Whine and complaining again little boy.....feeling so sorry for your ilk without vision joy passion and competence

@GreenAtheist What does that have to do with this you fat, ignorant, fuck!

@Sticks48 time to switch to decaf, pal.....

@AnneWimsey This asshole has been dogging me. I blocked him last night. I do drink so much coffee I did have to switch to half decaf. 🙂

@Sticks48 Sounds like trying decaf for a while might be good, Sticks, lol....

@TomMcGiverin This asshole is trolling me because I don't buy into his conspiracy theories. Don't lay out a bunch of conspiracy bullshit without facts, not just repeating some other nut job's conspiracy theories.

@Sticks48 I figured that was the case. In those situations, a block is the only remedy.

Probably true.


Neither, unrequited love is not worth for anyone involved.


I think all of us at some point in time have experienced this.


I'd rather have someone that loves me. Loving someone that doesn't love you can be painful.

Unity Level 7 Nov 27, 2019

Been on both sides ... and both came with ongoing frustrations and hurts. I'll seek mutual or nothing.


I think it is all I have been in all of these situations. I'm sure it is very common. I don't think it is a bad thing.
When you love someone and they don't love you back, you can learn from it. You can learn that it is impossible to force someone to feel the way that you want them to. I have had a man in love with me but I didn't love him. That can teach you to be humbled, and can teach you to face your feelings and learn how to say " no".I married my husband when I was 19 and we were married for 25 years. We didn't have a bad marriage, but, it was up and down. When he loved me, I didn't love him. When I loved him he didn't love me. I learned a lot about letting go from that marriage, and after we divorced, we remained best friends till he died. I really think it is normal, and we can choose to learn from it, or just go through life upset.


Reading so many varied answers below I am so sad to see such confusion looking back and projecting to me is the gift of self to a lover..
..I cannot imagine giving less than all that I am.....but from my readings of others people must slice themselves up into portions below.....the bonding and withdrawal pains are obvious in some words I feel about my past giving is a bit like kiss& must be much harder for a woman to feel safe enough to love no matter how attractive their choice must look sound taste smell and feel.....the saddest words I read were how a woman made a great friend she would not love who loved her.....however I could never get angry over such rejection... It is certainly worse for a woman to sleep with a man she does not love.....better to find that out before the bonding occurs


Once had someone who loved me.
Who I let go.
Only later in life did I realise I made a mistake to let her go.

I think a lot of of us have let someone go, but I think we sometimes forget that there was a reason we did so.
There is one guy from way back that I wonder if things had worked out better had we been older. I'll never know.

@itsmedammit I thought that about my 3rd husband. Turned out, it was still impossible to stay together.

I let someone go because I was scared. (I was young). That was the stupidest thing I ever did.


I am at a point where I would prefer that someone be in love with me rather than the other way around. Or to put it this way, the person would have to love me more than I do him.
I have been in love with someone for years who kept me as a FWB. Made the mistake of getting in touch with him again 30 years later and experienced the same feelings. He recently remarried and it pissed me off! He's the reason I will never do FWB again with anyone.
There was a man in college I was friends with that I genuinely liked but could not love even though it was clear he would do anything for me. Physically I was not attracted to him at all and didn't think that trying to be was fair to either one of us. He was upset about it and I was happy to see him find someone that felt the same way about him.
Unfortunately I don't think it shakes out equally which is what makes love a bitch in general.

I agree that it hardly ever is even.


prefer someone be in love with me


Love someone who didn't love me back?
Apparently loved by someone I couldn't reciprocate?...couple times...


I would prefer to be kindly disposed towards people and by have them feel the same towards me.

I like that too.


. . . not the only 2 choices ! :


Obviously not the only two choices. Duh. But sometimes it happens.

@itsmedammit IMHO, starting a 'discussion' with a glaring logical fallacy strikes me as to-be-avoided by anyone who cares about critical thinking.

@FearlessFly Its not a logical fallacy. I never said there were only two choices. Perhaps I wrongly assumed that folks here would be aware of the obvious. I did however update my original post in case there are others who might not.


I've suffered from unrequited love many times. I get slapped down, rejected, and humiliated.

I would much rather be the object of someone else's unrequited love. Nobody suffers because it doesn't happen.

Sorry to hear.


Had it all different ways. To me another depends issue. First off how does one measure love? It's kind of hard. I may love someone because of certain qualities (sense of humor, quick wittedness, talents, sense of humor, etc. and she may love me for certain of my qualities. This was my last relationship and we had something to bring to the relationship. However, I learned big time no one can fully appreciate another until they have lost them. Maybe, I would love and appreciate another more than she me because of having lost a significant other. Don't really know.

Yeah, it is difficult to measure and love means different things to different people. I suspect there is never an "equal" balance but also think there needn't necessarily be one.

@itsmedammit I think it can also swing from one person to the other at different times and situations.

@JackPedigo Hadn't consciously thought of that but I'm sure it is quite true, and in the healthier relationships, understood intuitively.


My best friend always has told me it's better to love someone a little better than they love you. I just got out of a relationship in which I loved someone more than they loved me. It was heartbreaking. Before that, though, the guy I was dating loved me more than I loved him. The brain chemistry of attraction is a fascination for me. I wish there were some magic potion to make it mutual. When it happens once in a while, it's astonishing and satisfies every longing there is, probably at the DNA level.

Yeah, mutual would be great but it seems there is always a bit of an imbalance.

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