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Have you ever gotten "the look" from a xtian friend or relative that said "why me, god and not them" to some crisis or illness? I've a friend who's ill and has other severe health issues. She's very religious, xtian, devout and when she shared her latest illness (cancer) with me I could see that look, "why me, god and not her, why not this non-believer instead". She didn't say anything but that look is unmistakable. She's a good kind person and has always done things called "good works", always been there for friends or people in need. A person deserving of grace if it was a real thing.

Twelve years ago she was diagnosed with a lifelong debilitating disease. That "look" was there and several times as her disease progressed and she became more disabled I saw it again and again. She prayed harder and harder, read the bible more and more.

I have to say that I thought in my mind, "can't you see why... imaginary beings don't judge" but of course I never said anything. There's no "why god" when god doesn't exist. There's no "he" to chose who does and who doesn't get cancer. She continues to pray to a god who isn't there to hear her pleas and she can't understand why a good devout woman is being punished with disease when a heathen goes unscathed.

As an atheist it's hard to see that look and not speak but I love my friend and wouldn't hurt her for the world so I stay quiet. The other look, the one that questions if the atheist is right, it's there too.

Leelu 7 Oct 10
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17 comments

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1

It's called cognitive dissonance. One's beliefs do not fit with reality. Most people have bouts of this but still cling on to their beliefs. A small minority end up going to atheism to get rid of the cognitive dissonance. All supernatural beliefs are trying to put a square peg into the round hole of reality. It simply doesn't fit. If one is truly objective and honest, one comes to that conclusion.

0

First I've heard of this; but it makes sense.

Sad.

SCal Level 7 Oct 11, 2020
0

I currently became unemployed because my construction company I work for has no projects at this time.
So now, on top of having no electricity because of the hurricane Friday, I am going to have to collect unemployment, and job hunt because I don't think I'm going to get called back anytime soon.
I'm just waiting for someone to say to me something like "maybe that's god trying to tell you to come back to his herd".

Unfortunately there are plenty out there who believe that and be happy to tell you. 😟

1

No but I had a friend who really wasn’t ready to go and was wishing her cancer on another person whom she felt was more deserving. It was an unpleasant situation.
Like you I just tried to support her as best I could. It does feel like a more difficult death though, than people I’ve supported that have been in a better/ less bitter place mentally.
I hope to have a more peaceful death, mentally, I think I’d just be happy it was an old chick like me, and not my nephews.

2

I have to question the level of friendship if your socalled friend is wishing that it is you who are ill and not her, it seems a friend should never wish ill on someone if they truly consider them to be a friend. Maybe I hold the friend relationship to a higher standard than others but I would sacrifice my own health to help a true friend but never wish and illness that I had upon another that I could be well.

I didn't say she wished it on me. I said she questioned her god's choices. Not the same at all. Xtians often see the world as us vs them in gods eyes. It's not unusual for people to question "why me", that doesn't mean they wish it on someone else.

@Leelu "why me, god and not her, why not this non-believer instead"

@Leelu You deserve better friends, they are very hard to find but the search is worth the effort.

2

I mean, whatever gives them comfort, I guess. I realized a while ago that my xtain pals tiptoe around me and not the other way round, lol. But then I'm rather vocal and unapologetic with my opinions on religion.....
I've got several bible thumpers in my social circle suffering from dire physical ailments. I just comfort and commiserate with them and gawd is never mentioned.

3

In my 77 years I have had several occasions of a seriously ill xian friend tell me, “I just don’t understand why this had to happen”. In other words, “Why did this have to happen to me”? I never said so, but I always thought, why NOT you? You’re no better than anybody else. You did the right thing by remaining silent and letting your friend find comfort wherever possible. But it does make one want to say, “If your god created everything, then why did he create cancer in the first place?” At age 62, in 2005, I suffered from severe pancreatitis and in 15 years I’ve never once wondered why me. My mantra has always been, “lt is what it is.” No more and no less. I just deal with the pain on a daily basis as best I can.

Exactly.

2

Because religion is a fascistic master race ideology, whose followers expect to be favoured by their God/leader and are infuriated when "clerical errors" occur in favour of the profane heathen.

Is it? The original lyrics of All Things Bright and Beautiful have a distinct class system which would indicate God is fine about the poor dying, he made them to live an inferior life and is fine with it! [en.m.wikipedia.org]
With no chance of reincarnation, the Sheeple are just expected to accept their lot.

1

I wish religious people could understand this: If you believe this nonsense nothing makes sense. Does your friend think there's a god up there that determines who gets sick and who doesn't? Why would He do that?

The son of a gun! If I don't believe utter nonsense then I have to live a life of pain and suffering.

3

I don't get it. Didn't the Lord teach us to love one another? Give the guy a break.

1

Maybe what you think is “the look” is just in your imagination.

Maybe but I don't think so. We've been friends for 20 years.

2

You're a kind empathic friend to be there for her without judgement. 🥲

2

I do understand this. I relate because I have turned many things loose and let them go. Religion and gods in particular. I have more peace of mind than I ever have had because of doing this. I simply do not understand how people live day to day in some cases.

I went to high school with a woman who is a believer but she never went to church. Not much that I knew of. Her brother was a friend of mine and he was killed in Viet Nam. She carries that with her to this day. She will still tell you about it and what a bitch the dead brother's GF became. Also, her parents are dead now and she seems to blame them for dying. Recently one of her son's was killed in a car wreck. She is not so healthy herself now and this constant mental anguish has to contribute largely to that. I feel sorry for her but I know I cannot help her.

People get into this thing of god having a plan and somehow everything is about you. This is wrong thinking. Why me. Why is this happening? I have the answer. It is all because things do happen and you are only special to your family. No invisible being is controlling anything.

Yes, and she already knows my answer to the question so she doesn't ask it of me and I don't offer it to her.

Religion seems to be the worship of Man's fragile Ego

Indeed, it sounds like this woman feels out of control of her life and the invisible god thing isn’t being a very good, ‘Father’ to her, plus she doesn’t understand why. Everyone wants someone else to help them, but a god that doesn’t exist can throw a real spanner in the works can’t it?

1

I am sad for her, of course. But her belief comforts her. Let her be. If she has cancer in far too many cases the medical treatment she will receive won't do much more, if anything, than prayer. Other than cost a lot. At least prayer is free.

4

Having worked at a Hospital for a number of years I know the look...not the accusatory look but the scared look...the look of someone that doesn't understand why "this thing" happened to them...i would constantly hear, "the Lord has chosen you...it is your time"...little comfort to someone who was perfectly healthy until some illness ... Some cancer afflicts them...one could offer such an easy rebuttal like, "if your God was so Loving and Merciful then why didn't they just die in their sleep?" But a logical conclusion would have to be drawn and that would shatter the very foundation of Christianity..." Man was condemned to suffer because God's Creation was imperfect" ... Never God's fault is it? ... Never the fault of the creator ... God is PERFECT yet he creates IMPERFECT beings ... God is WITHOUT SIN...WITHOUT EVIL...yet he created Lucifer...where did THAT DNA come from? Rational thought tells us the whole thing is a creation of man's imagination...his dark imagination for many parts. Humanities only hope is that we continue to focus on what is real and continue to reject the fantasy.

Thank you for sharing your observations and your thoughts.

1

That look? It's a look of despair! Why would you think she would wish bad things on you? That look? You think you can read minds? That's no better than believing in Jesus. Would you want her to think "that look" of sympathy on your face was you thinking 'it's better her than me'?

Meh. Either interpretation could be correct. I like your interpretation better, but she knows her friend, and (presumably) neither of us are acquainted with her.

2

Very sad. I can't say I've seen that look, which I'm now very thankful for. Best wishes to your friend.

Thank you.

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