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When I was much younger, I took a girl on a date to the movies. At the end of the date there was some kissing. I also told her I wanted to have sex with her. She got quite angry with me it turned out she never went out with me again and she never spoke to me again. Was that an appropriate response.

lbusche 7 Apr 22

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42 comments

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10

Here's the thing - it's not for you or anyone else to decide if her response was appropriate.
I'm not a prude. I've had my share of one night stands.
But this question really isn't about sex.
It's about our right to autonomy in a very judgmental world.

I keep wondering if the word ap"appropriate" is appropriate

Thank you,
for your wise, beautiful, kind, loving, validating, respectful words. ?
You win the internet award❣

9

Yes. She obviously valued herself more than you did.

9

I must be from a different planet or something but I have always dated for three to four weeks before sex happens. Have to connect with the other person. She was right in her response.

I take it you've never in your life been in a singles bar. I have, and on occasion we have met for the first time, went home, and got naked together.

There was nothing wrong with the woman saying no, but not talking to him ever again was an indication of her problems, not his.

@doug6352 I agree whole heartedly !

8

Sex may or may not have been your endgame before you even met. Whichever was true, you just made it look like it was. Personally, I'd have left it at "I find you very attractive/sexy and I'd love to see you again." Maybe go for a brief kiss on the lips, and leave the question of sex for meet no.2.

I get crap like this on PoF all of the time. Starts out civil, and the next thing you know, it's all about getting their rocks off. Only yesterday, I was chatting with a guy and it was all perfectly pleasant. He mentioned that he was going to take a bath. He then mentioned that he was going to masturbate while he was in there. End of conversation for me. I expect that behaviour when 'hooking up', I don't expect it when 'dating' (which is what I'm attempting to do on PoF, and I make that very clear in my profile.)

The trouble here is that women, gay bottoms, and indeed anyone in the sexually receptive role are plagued with men who just want somewhere body temperature to dump their next ejaculation into. They will be on the lookout for telltales that you're that kind of man. Sadly, it's up to you to prove that you're not.

Unless they do just want a shag. In which case, happy days.

7

Yes very much so. Basically you are telling her that sex is the only thing you are interested in her for. That's just insulting. Even if its not the only thing you are interested in you put it first before you got to know her as a human being. So yeah, I would have reacted similarly.

7

I think this was clickbait... trying to make his way to the next level. OF COURSE it was an appropriate response. This is exactly why women build walls.

7

Yes it was an appropriate response. I am 51 years old and had someone said that to me after meeting them only once, I'd run for the hills.

7

Yup. You creeped her out. Too aggressive. I'm by no means a prude & now that I'm divorced, I'm FULLY ENJOYING a healthy sex life.(flipside of that coin, I've also been known to, "Hey thanx, your UBER'S here" too) But unless I initiate...i want the guy to back off. Aggression is a creepy turn off for those who aren't into that kind of thing.

Emme Level 7 Apr 22, 2018

So it's creepy if the guy is aggressive but not if the girl is. That sounds like a double standard

@lbusche if you have kids, imagine someone being aggressive or trying to take liberties with them, or your mom, or sister, or brother, or...unsavory, isn't it?

@Emme I indicated to her I wanted to have sex with her. Could have been something like how about sex. I don't recall pushing myself on her. In her case no definitely meant no. So aggressive might be a harsh term.

@lbusche the circumstances of the date weren't all that clear. Was it a hookup date? If so, respectfully handle the business & nake sure UBER is there on time. Was it an actual date? Everyone is different, but personally, I don't like being touched right away or on a 1st-3rd date beyond a kiss on the cheek. And I really don't like wandering hands. Again, I'm just speaking for myself.

@Emme yes a hookup date. just out for a good time.

@lbusche
Well Dang! That's kinda messed up for a hookup date, then. If you were both clear that THAT'S the kind of date it was...wow...sorry that happened.
I don't like leave any questions re: hookup dates.
I str8 ask my lover to come over & pull my hair❣??

@Emme exactly that is the way it should be. no guesswork involved. I am pretty sure she wasn't interested in relationship building. But maybe I was a free pass to a movie. I know I was definitely interested in sex and I thought the subject had come up before hand. But its all water under the bridge.

@lbusche
Meh, it was a long time ago. Don't let it bum you out.

5

Foe her it was. She saw your behavior as inappropriate, and it obviously made her uncomfortable. You nee to consider the other person's feelings.

Those things take time. Relationships need to grow, and go through stages. You were trying to jump the gun.

5

Depends on how you propositioned. "Wanna fuck?" is a far more terrible way to approach the subject than, say, "May I stay the night?"

If your approach was more like the former example than the latter....I hope you've improved your game since then.

I don't recall using the word fuck. Probably not. I was 18 and a little more timid than I am now.

5

Honestly, just based on what you wrote, it seems like her response was pretty harsh. That being said, there really is no "appropriate" response. Some girls are ready and willing for sex early on, even first date, while some girls aren't ready and willing unto after marriage! It also depends on many other things including, but not limited to, how you said it, how you acted when you said it, how you reacted when she said no, etc.

Don't gimme no lines & keep yo hands to yoself❣??

5

Pretty much, yep.
Does the saying, "too soon dude" hold any relevance?

4

Absolutely for ...1963..a broken nose is more appropriate today..seriously..Telling anyone you want sex with them is inappropriate...at anytime..especially on the 1st date..

4

Hard to tell. Was she a virgin? How old were both of you? Was it a first date?

I have no idea whether she was a virgin. I believe I was 18 I think 2nd date.

I guess I can sympathize with her. I was a virgin till 18-last of my friends If she was a virgin I'd be pissed too.

4

I think it could also be asked if your proclamation that you "wanted to have sex with her" was appropriate.

4

You'd have to know everything about her to know why she responded that way. Also, you don't say it was a first, second, third or so on date. Some people don't have sex on the first date and think the expectation of it is wrong.

4

Yes I think she responded in an open and honest manner. She may wanted a llittle more subtlety or magic but then again you were young

3

Maybe I’m missing something but it seems to me that both of you were justified. You to ask, which is not wrong and her to say no and move on. The idea that there are secret codes about the appropriate time to express desire seems outdated. As long as you were not crude or aggressive, of course.

I wonder if more options are needed without judgement. I would prefer a bit more interaction and would feel the vibe if it was there. . being a good kisser could change the dynamic. Each must have a theme I enjoy romance (redefined) and physical interaction with imagination and eroticism. Why bother to hump like a buffalo Just me

3

YES. No woman who starts to think some guy actually likes her for herself, wants to find out his entire goal of taking her to the movies and paying attention to her in the first place was to satisfy his body urges.

But that's kind of the whole point of becoming romantically involved with other people, isn't it?

People can hang out in a non-sexual way all day long. We date in order to have something more than just a beer drinking buddy. We date in order to have our sexual needs fulfilled. And this applies to both men and women.

We seriously need to get over this puritanical notion that a persons sexuality is somehow not an integral part of "who they are". Walking around with the idea implanted in our heads that somebody somehow thinks less of another individual just because they find them sexually desireable isn't healthy.

It is entirely possible for someone to be sexually attracted to another person and STILL wish them success, happiness and prosperity. These are not mutually exclusive principles. They are the mark of being a decent human being.

@webbew1 LOL! Spoken like a male..no "love" -just sex. And on a first date, unless you are claiming to be able to fall in love with a woman in one date and care about her. I think not.

@webbew1
I didn't get memo about dating "being to fulfill sexual needs".
When did dating change from being about getting to know someone as a potential life partner?

3

Was this the first date or the third. My rule has always been to wait to try till the third date. While I believe women know much sooner whether they want to have sex with you, there might be a certain comfort level that needs to be reached for them first.. That level is probably relative to the connection they feel with the man as well as their level of intoxication. Just my opinion.

3

You say she got quite angry with you. What does that mean? It is hard to say if it was appropriate if you don't describe what you are talking about.

WTF and a punch in the face is different than saying that it was too soon to be saying something like that.

3

You just couldn't help yourself could you, and look where it got ya.

3

I always let the body language speak for itself. If you want to know what your date thinks about you physically and what their intentions may be for the longevity of date, their bodies never lie. Eyes, mouth, hands and feet instantly tell you what their minds won't upfront. When I was younger and bar hopped a lot, I used to bet friends on if dates would leave together or separately just by reading their body language. Let's just say I rarely bought my own drinks. Seriously though, the body itself speaks the truth more than words can ever say.

3

For for you it wasn't.

2

At least you didn't have to go see Jerry Springer

jeffy Level 7 Apr 22, 2018
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