Dad's can be ass holes but Moms......Wow!

I am so sorry about what you’re going through. I truly believe that we have to put boundaries up to protect ourselves and not tolerate abuse from anyone including family members. Hopefully she’ll behave a little better when she realizes you don’t want to be around her. I could never imagine treating my daughter this way. She’s toxic and you’re doing the right thing.

I am totally on your side. No matter what anyone else tries to tell you about making peace with your mother because she is lonely/old or any other reason. Don't fall into that trap. You are deserve to be respected and valued. She is not the victim here but the perpetrator. You have us and we will stand by you.

For Years I have said that just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you have to put up with waaaay poorer treatment from them than you would get from any cashier at Walmart......I have not seen my similarly abusive, druggie, only daughter in going on 10 years now & my life is Much better without her!!!!
If this was new behavior for your Mom I would say she has dementia. (they can get Very combative!)
Or it might be fear of her immediate future, hip injury/surgery is a leading cause of disability/death in the elderly, and we all know it.
But you say she's been like this "forever", so my question to you is, why are you putting yourself through this?
Just because you are "related" is IMO, no reason at all!!!!

My mother died 22 years ago. If she behaved like that I wouldn't have visited her either.

I agree with you. Here's my take on what you have put on this post. First, your mother is not going to change. So the question is how to deal with it and not have it ruin your life.

I would give her back total responsibility for her health. "Whatever you choose to do about your hip is your choice. You have been given the facts, Now it is up to you. You have to live with the result of your choice. My choice is that I am not available to take care of you when it is because of your wrong choice. So when making your choice consider that you may need to make other arrangements. My choice is that if I feel you are doing your part, I will do everything i can to help. Otherwise, I will not. These are our choices.

I would hope that when you make your choice you will consider that others are affected. I would hope that you would not be selfish, but considerate of me. If you are afraid of surgery let's talk about that. Otherwise we do not need to talk. It's just in your lap as to what you choose to do. I love you and I know this is not easy for you."

Does she ever thank you for what you do to help? Or is it an expectation. You have a right to your life. Perhaps there is someone who needs a job and for little money or a place to live would be her caretaker.

However, I do know of someone who walked around with this pain for a long time out of fear of the operation. She finally had it and is now convalescing. I can't wait to see the new her. My aunt had it and was fine. Another friend had it and we went dancing after he recovered.

Gee, this makes me mad!!!!! You have my understanding.

I would feel sad and frustrated but parents act childish when they are aging, we may do it too. They are not going to be around for long, it is our duty to be patient and be as helpful as possible as they were when we were young and trouble.... is my view. You can do some sacrifice now, you have a longer life ahead of you, she may not.

I don't have another view. When my mother got sick, she was overseas and stubborn. I did not listen, fought and brought her in my home in the US. She lived with me until death. I can look back on it with some peace.

I tell everyone that parents are our gods and children are our angels... the best ever examples of unlimited reservoir of selfless love that keeps giving.

The older we get, the grinchier we get. Try and show more patience. One day, you will be old and grinchy too!

Good you don't need that shit in your life

My mother and her father were estranged for years. Her mother had committed suicide and the thinking was it was because my grandfather was having an affair with a women he eventually married). Mom told me that but she also told me her mother had chronic depression and was just looking for an excuse. My grand dad was a fun guy and we (the males) liked him. The females in the family had other stories which didn't come out until after he died. Anyway, we managed to get mom had her father back together. What a mistake. Mom was a chronic enabler. She complained over and over that her dad kept calling her (even when she once went to a party - and this was way before cell phones) and saying he was having a heart attack. She would drop everything and rush to get him to a doctor and it was the same thing every time - heart burn. I asked her why she kept giving in and the usual, what if he really was having an attack and died, I would feel so guilty. Human being are, by nature extreme enablers especially with family. With my 2nd partner being alcoholic I started going to Al Anon and learned about how enabling works and makes people miserable. The best thing to do with family is to sometimes tell them, not my problem, walk away and let them grow up and deal with things themselves. When one becomes an enabler they make the problems theirs.

"It okay not to feel guilty because you do not feel guilty." Alan Watts.

That's so sad, and you're right to maintain your sanity by not caving to her gaslighting. It sounds like she is a classic narcissist, sorry to say. My sister is similar. Love is complicated. When and if you feel you are ready, speak to her, but on your own terms.

As you say "Fuck that shit."

Toxic is toxic. You have enough difficulty and stress in your life. You absolutely have not only the right, but the responsibility, to remove toxicity from your life, no matter who is the source. You owe it to yourself.

I am in complete agreement with you.

We don't "owe" our parents anything.
Especially when they are toxic individuals.

I got a lot of the same when I finally had enough of my mother's psychological abuse. The physical had ended decades before, but the emotional abuse went on for long after.
I got tired of being the one who was always at fault and reconciliation became utterly pointless.
Our last conversation occurred in 2002.
After it ended, I knew I was done with her.

She died the following year and I didn't learn of her death until ten years later.
I had zero remorse.
She chose the path she put us on.

Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for protecting yourself.
You don't have to be anyone's punching bag.

You've repeatedly made your efforts.
Your conscience is clear.
It's okay to stop.

As you said,
Fuck
That
Shit.

❤

I am with you. Regardless of who it may be one must avoid manipulation, toxicity, guilt. I left my mother with 35 years of no contact with the aid of counseling. The damage she did was now heaped upon others. Other counties social safety nets are a large family. We in the US have other options. She died with me never reconciling our division & I have no problem remaining segregated from her nightmare. I do not believe we are obligated to endure the damage others attempt to inflict upon us. A DNA connection does not alter my view on self-preservation. Good luck in achieving some peace.

I decided and accepted long ago that I didn't need to tolerate anything from family that I wouldn't accept from my friends, who are my real substitute and surrogate family. It seems like an unusual number of us on here are estranged from our families of origin, but then again, it shouldn't be surprising, since if we were all strong and independent enough to reject religion, in spite of all the social pressure to believe, then it follows that most or all of us would have the same independence and strength to individuate and break away from our toxic relatives and families.

The only emotion I felt when my mother died was relief.

And I have never felt bad about that.

You shouldn't either.

Setting boundaries with others is perfectly acceptable behavior. What the individual chooses to do is their perogative; their behavior is their responsibility. The short term may be awful if others are tossing in their unneeded/unwanted advice but what matters is you and your sanity!