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Why do some men think women as "prudish" if they don't want to hookup?

I know not every guy thinks this way, but sometimes I feel that I'd be more popular if I did put myself out there like that. Thing is, I've had my time, and I'm getting to the age that I need more substance in life- but seems like the dating scene is woefully saturated with the culture of stuff like NSA/FWB and one-night stands. I'm not knocking people who want to do that, but there always seem to be invisible pressure to put out, or dudes move on. Or they don't think you like to have "fun" because "fun" is now equated with sex. I enjoy that kind of "fun", but also real fun that comes with being social outside the bedroom. Being sex positive in thinking, I feel that there's room for everyone: People who want to hookup and people who are fine with seeking a less than superficial and temporary form of dating. I'm tired of women getting shit, or being passed over because they want to know someone first.

Stepmomofdragons 7 June 6
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31 comments

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1

People are by default very sexual creatures. You may need to seek a non-sex themed venue. Dating sites are NOT non-sex themed because they promote relationships and relationships are defined by how types of people express themselves, how their are conditioned, and what they're lead to believe about each other. This inevitably means that there is a sex-vacuum between the parties involved. Often, people do not receive sex that is effective enough, and this causes them to never be tired of it, which produces a legion of people who come to seek pseudoromantic relationships that are defined by sex. Unfortunately, earnest love is an improbable expectation among humans, because we tend to be blind to the type of people we come to date, and even when we think we have the heuristics worked out correctly, we still find out horrible things about the other person that are deal-breakers, so sex becomes the only real satisfaction that comes out of dating relationships.

That is a very real possibility! And yet we are all imperfect...

@Freedompath

Yes, we are imperfect, but that is a divergence away from the concept at hand. The self is much more encompassing than the topic of human flaws, anyway, so there is much more to be learned in that.

@Stepmomofdragons I did not say they are not sex themed. I said "they are NOT non-sex themed".

I think what causes the bait and switch is that people foolishly mentalize the other person, out of a lack of clarity. There is no such thing as someone who gets into heat for another person, and hides it completely. They fail to illicit that heat response, and then work with it, but they don't do that.

That being said, your dating venue matters. Different targets for finding partners have different selection mechanisms and a person has to think out where they should go to do what. I would not be surprised if such thinking is probably 80% of the basis of casual socializing.

@Stepmomofdragons I have had the same experience. 😟

20

It seems to me that men my age ( I'm 71), have turned into sex obsessed old horndogs. They ask if you would have sex, or give them blow jobs, or romp around the garden in the nude, all before they have ever even laid eyes on the woman. Usually with the first phone call or text. I don't know why. Maybe they are trying to stay young and sexy, except they aren't. They are just old saggy fools. I like sex fine, but that goofiness turns me off immediately. I'm old, no beauty, but I am not desperate enough for this behavior. I don't care if they think I'm a prude. They can think whatever they want. I'm no prude for a fact, but I do want to date, get to know someone to see if I want to have sex with them. It isn't all about them.

Right?! I said brief hellos to a man on a dating site and agreed to email. First mail included not only a dick pic, but a full frontal shower shot. I had just started online dating and was shocked.
Nothing shocks me now!

16

I always want an emotional connection before sex. If that makes me a prude, then so be it.

And I've never liked the term hookup. Why not call it what it is...

13

Why? Men want to get laid, and when they’re rejected they transfer the responsibility for their rejection onto the object of their affection. It’s typical. Not all men are like that.

Thank you for being honest.

@Wildgreens you’re welcome.

@Stepmomofdragons
I’m sorry, but some men are kind of shallow.

Well put!

I agree with your rationale, Gatovicolo. I might add that the rejected man might call the woman a prude as a tactic to get her to change her mind...

@Santanaman9
Yeah. I’ve heard that one too.

12

I am always amazed at the way, a whole lot of men seem to think the only form of intimacy is sex. They still haven’t learned that those feeling originate in the mind not the genitals. I would love to have an intimate relationship with a man, that man has to be grown enough to appreciate the time it takes to actually woo a grown ass woman

9

Male or female we always feel judged on this issue.
Women who take some time before sex may feel they are considered prudes, others who are interested in casual or short term sex worry they get labeled as tarts, if a guy doen't make his move soon enough many women think he is not interested, too soon and he can be though aggressive or only after sex.
It is because we are all different and all changing. Just can take some time to find someone on the same page.

8

Men think they are so great no one can turn them down unless they are lesbian

By your definition I must not be in the category "men". (rather sure you meant to say "MOST Men. . ." I find women very attractive but do not find men attractive. I honestly can't imagine why any woman would be attracted to a man (myself included).

7

Some men are assholes.

7

I have no interest in hookups and I don't care what that type of guy thinks of me. Everyone has the right to do as they want in this department but if it's not my thing I shouldn't be judged as a prude. And if I am, who cares. Intimacy is a lot more than doing the horizontal bop

Henry understand... ?

7

This is a ‘drive thru,’ society! Investment time, must get fast results! Stimulation, must mean, ‘investment’ in the mind of some men (maybe women, I just don’t know any). Knowing, that a bonded relationship benefits both sexes comes with maturity and not a ‘fix!’ Nobody wins, with lack of investment (time and emotions) in a love relationship!

You are very correct.

6

If it's mutual, that's fine. Not my thing though. And anyone who would judge me for that isn't worth a grain of salt.

6

I would say that there is a double standard when it comes to sex. Men are seen as “players” and are admired for having sex with many women and often but women are projected in a negative light and that is wrong. I feel that it is up to the individual and we shouldn’t judge anyone for how they live their life.

5

So what if they think you're prude, let them! You don't need their opinion. Leave them with the other girls they hook up with, good riddance!

Elie Level 3 June 7, 2018

Is it proper to say, "Amen," on this site?

5

There's no one reason for it, & I'd say that this phenomenon doesn't occur exclusively with men.

I would say social pressure, media, advertising & social anxiety are factors. Most people see intercourse as confirmation or approval, so there might be a desire to cross that bridge faster than necessary. Although that is based on the misapprehension that intercourse = the desired level of intimacy that people need in a relationship.

5

Individuals think what they think to substantiate what they think.

4

Because it's less damaging to the ego to say 'She's a prude!' than to admit 'She doesn't fancy me'.

Her being a prude is HER 'failing' - the man being unattractive is HIS.

4

Small penises and childish mentalities

4

The key then, it would seem, is to hold out for someone who is on whatever particular page you are ! I've always appreciated people putting it out there, right up front, what it is they're expecting - then it's up to me to go with , or not.

3

I'm not an expert on relationships, or sex, but here are my thoughts. Some guys just look at women as a notch on their belt, and brag about it in the locker room. We all have physical needs as well. Maybe they just got through a bad devorce, break-up, or widowed, and need that, but arent ready for a relationship. I have friends that are womanizers that will lie like hell just to get in a girls pants. I have never been that way, and at 34, I'm looking for a long-term relationship. Maybe relationships are too much for them, and they can't deal with rejection. The last two girlfriends I had I slept with, but never had sex with either. Nothing more than kissing. I was waiting for them to make the first move, and I'm glad it never happened. Neither of them are what I really wanted in life. If a gal came up to me, and said she only wanted a one night stand, I might take the offer. But that needs to be clear. I think I'm a lone wolf, and always will be. I'm just can't find someone that fits what I am looking for. So don't feel down. You aren't the only one.

Not every woman is relationship material, though. This is why so many of them get passed up, even by the more mindful men.

@DZhukovin You be correct. My second to last ex relapsed on meth. She gave away a 150-180K/year job because of it. The last was just lazy, and lives off of her parents, and child support. I own my house, and pay my own bills!

3

It's a different world than the one I grew up in. When i was young, women were considered "easy" by some, if they had sex with multiple partners. I never expected a woman to have sex with me unless we'd been dating for a while. Even then, I never took it for granted. I'm not religious, and have never looked down on a woman for liking sex, but I don't think a man should just expect it.

2

I had my "girls gone wild days" after being married and monogamous for 24yrs. I prefer monogamous. Something with substance. It feels like every time I had casual sex that I felt dirty and lost a piece of myself. I found that two people who care about each other and love each other is way more erotic than multiple sex partners. And if you're running into a string of men who just want hookups.... You're better off taking care of yourself and waiting it out until something with substance comes along.

To answer your question.... Some men don't like to be told "no" for sex and will try to make you feel horrible instead of accepting the fact that they were turned down.

2

Good for you. Don't compromise your standards.

2

This coming August I'm going to turn 51-years old and because of medical issues, most times, I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. In fact, it now takes longer to get ready for love making than the act itself and so I don't even bother. It turns out that my wife, after four kids, was kinda tired of it also though from time to time didn't didn't mind having some physical intimacy. We've not been together that way since January and neither of us could care less. We have grandchildren, we love eating out, we love Naked & Afraid, we love Family Feud and while we have our separate rooms - most nights I hold her as she falls asleep (I am a night guy and so I stay up much longer). These things and many more are far more important and far more meaningful than anything sexual.

I didn't feel that way at 35 and I didn't feel any different at 35 than I did at 25 or for that matter 15 - though it would be years before I had any idea as to why. There's no way at 35 that I would have entered a relationship where sex wasn't on the top 5 list. My ability at that time to last for quite a while, seemingly to please my partner and myself defined me as a MAN to a greater extent than I realized at the time. Men and women are not the same - most men think with the wrong head until they smarten up and then the really good things start to happen.

1

Sounds like that guys like those are missing out on getting to know a good and special person. we have lost our way a bit in the casuallness of sex and how it really impeeds the developement of finding worth in the person. it just depends on what you are looking for in a person and there are good ones out there. just can't see them sometimes for all the flash and pizzazz .

1

To answer the leading question:

Because they're knob heads!

1

Interesting post...Alpha male posturing, huh?

Not just alpha males!

not the alpha male, these are wanna-bes trying to think they are bad. lol

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