I'm always sensitive to how men feel being asked this question right away by women. I don't ask, and I'm much more interested in learning other things about a man before knowing his occupation.
Imagine you've just met a woman, briefly discuss the weather and she asks, "So, what do you do for a living?"
I find men do this very often and I'd like to understand why, from a man's perspective. Is it that it's very important to you, or that you don't know what else to ask, or is it that you think you'll learn about her more quickly, by knowing? If so, would you be stereotyping? Has anyone made certain assumptions about you that were incorrect, based on occupational stereotypes?
Examples: Lawyers are dishonest; Investment bankers are ruthless; models are airheads; artists are flaky; construction workers are not that smart; accountants are boring..
Women are welcome to comment! I am just curious to know the motive behind men asking this question right away.
*I'm adding to this, as I'm getting a lot of "Just curious" replies which I don't believe addresses the question. Why are you curious? What will it tell you, that you need to know, in the first few seconds of meeting someone?
*Thank you all for your replies!
This is a good question! Most men do not have the conversational skills to "break the ice" and get to know a woman. As a result, they end us asking a lot of ham handed questions like, "What's your occupation?" or "What do you do for fun?"
When I was growing up in the 80's and 90's, there were simply no resources to learn this information and develop these skills. However, there is a lot of create content for today's younger men to learn these skills.
Women do the same, ask the very same question. I'm noticing it to be the first question they ask. I believe for a good portion if women, money and job status is a deal-breaker.
For me personally, I don't care too much what a woman does...her money doesn't mean a lot to me...drf. not a deal-breaker or even close. I want attraction in and out more than anything...andtrust w integrity.
It's a reasonable question. It says a lot about a person, and gives the other person some ground to make further comment.
I actually don't date any more, I kind of gave that up a while back. I did do a lot of dating when I was younger. I was very shy around people back then, in fact I don't think I ever asked any one out. It was usually a friend would set me up with someone they new, so They already knew what I was like, what I did for a living etc.
If they didn't know I had no problem telling them. I just figured that if they didn't like me because of how much money I made, then I'm glad to know that right off the bat.
But as far as how I felt about whet they did for a living, Honestly, I really couldn't care less. It's the person that I liked, not their job.
The two greatest reason serious couples breakup is over sex or money. Money is greater, so she better have a job, and much better if she likes it.
Other reason is where do you spend most of your waking hours of your life. If she says a in front of a TV, I am running.
I tend to not ask questions like that. You are spot on when you typed that there are more important things to learn when getting to know someone. I loathe talking about work, and I am sure a majority of people do. So, I keep it simple. ' Want to sit by fire with Grog?'
For me, I'm curious how a potential partner spends her time and if she is engaging her passions in her work. It is not a deal breaker if she isn't, but I tend to be more attracted to motivated people that find ways to realize their passions and find a way to engage them intensely.
I ask the question more as a conversation starter. I basically know nothing about you in the beginning. Asking about your career is my semi conscious way of saying,"I actually want to get to know you and I'm not just interested in you because you look good".
I am looking to understand who she is. I realize that the short answer won't give any insight because we are not defined by the job we do. However just the fact that she gave me her job title instead of explaining the job or going into details the me a lot about her.
If she is responding in one phrase bits or short answers that says to me that she isn't interested in continuing the conversation.
Me: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Her: "Lawyer" or "Accountant"
Me: "Interesting" and now I'm looking for someone else to talk to.
Me: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Her: "I represent immigrants who are applying for citizenship. I speak Spanish and can translate for them in the US legal system, help them fill out paperwork, and generally give people hope of a new life"
Me: "Wow, that sounds like really satisfying work! Did you find that learning a new language made you appreciate the culture more?"
This last scenario does indeed tell me about who she is and in the process also gives me more covering hooks to explore. When I'm asked the same question I use it for similar purposes, to continue the conversation.
Her: "So, what do you do for a living?"
Me: "I work for Coke" pause for the inevitable declaration of Pepsi or Coke followed by which product is their favorite. "I work with the touch screen vending machines. They send data back every day." I then launch into how exciting my (maybe not exciting for everyone) data analytics job is... How I make folks happy by helping them out with Excel questions, how I enjoy automating tedious tasks, and my ongoing attempts to keep a good work/life balance.
Because it could lead to any of the following:
As far as stereotypes are concerned, never found them very helpful except anyone who's been in sales would have a high threshold for tolerating people.
I'd imagine in many cases it really is as simple as something to talk about once the weather's been dealt with and awkward silences loom. Though I agree it's poorly thought out, a much more useful question would be what do you like to do with your spare time.
It's not a question I ask people, dates or otherwise, as I'm not overly happy being asked it myself. It's information better offered at a comfortable time, or at the very least asked at a point where it doesnt significantly affect what you've so far learnt about the person, once it's established that you basically get on and are happy sharing information.
A profession for many is the largest aspect of a person's life and will tell me a lot about them. In my opinion two of the most important questions you can ask someone to find out as much as you can about them are "what do you do for work/fun?"
What you do for 40 hours a week will mold and shape who you are. Assumptions are always poor form, but a construction worker rarely has to work with clients or press their intellectual envelope in order to do their job successfully. If a person has been doing that job for 10 years, then most likely they've accepted those aspects of their life and are somewhat content with it.
On the flip side if someone told me they spend 60 doing some other hobby, I'd ask more about the hobby as that will now tell me a lot about who they are.
There is no getting around the fact that who you spend your time with and what you spend your time doing shape who you are.
To address your direct lead-off question: My reason for asking a woman what she does for a living would come from a genuine curiosity about it. Would I ask that question right out of the gate? Probably not. But it would come up. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone what their occupation is. A person's occupation can speak volumes to their passion (if they are so fortunate as to be doing work they are passionate about). So this is a great way to learn about them and what moves and motivates them. I understand your distaste of having that question asked if it is being used as some sort of status barometer in order to pass judgment. That's just plain wrong, IMHO.
I think for many men, their job and/or career is so tied up with their sense of their worth as a human being that to them it seems like a very deep and meaningful question. This is also reflected in what happens when they retire: many men leave work for the final time, go home, sit on the sofa and die a few years later. Women, meanwhile, tend to get involved in all sorts of stuff post-retirement and often enjoy many decades after work.
That's in no way a criticism of men, but itis a criticism of the patriarchy - men being indoctrinated into believing that they must be dynamic, go-getting career-obsessed drones does neither men nor women (nor the rest) any favours at all. So, tell your boss to screw themselves, do only as much work as you need to do to get by, get a hobby and enjoy yourself.
So why wouldn't you ask? There might be some potential for stereotyping but I believe in a positive rather than negative manner. I would probably not consider a librarian as boring or a real estate sales as greedy but would have a positive view of a female fighter pilot. I'm in the renewable energy field and have been for forty years. What might that say about me?
You’re trying to get to know a person, right? That’s 1/3 of their day. It’s also an invitation for them to speak about themselves.