I'm always sensitive to how men feel being asked this question right away by women. I don't ask, and I'm much more interested in learning other things about a man before knowing his occupation.
Imagine you've just met a woman, briefly discuss the weather and she asks, "So, what do you do for a living?"
I find men do this very often and I'd like to understand why, from a man's perspective. Is it that it's very important to you, or that you don't know what else to ask, or is it that you think you'll learn about her more quickly, by knowing? If so, would you be stereotyping? Has anyone made certain assumptions about you that were incorrect, based on occupational stereotypes?
Examples: Lawyers are dishonest; Investment bankers are ruthless; models are airheads; artists are flaky; construction workers are not that smart; accountants are boring..
Women are welcome to comment! I am just curious to know the motive behind men asking this question right away.
*I'm adding to this, as I'm getting a lot of "Just curious" replies which I don't believe addresses the question. Why are you curious? What will it tell you, that you need to know, in the first few seconds of meeting someone?
*Thank you all for your replies!
Depends on who is asking and why. It could be innocent in just making conversation and or a way to get to know the other person. What someone does certainly provides some information about who they are.
I always ask because so much of our time is devoted to earning a living. It would be worse if I asked 'How much do you earn?'
Forgive me for the repetition as I've responded similarly here.
I think we're all in agreement that it's very important to learn how someone spends the majority of their time. This is especially if you'd be interested in dating them!
However, at one point does the question become appropriate?
"Hi Maverick, I'm Athena."
"Hi Athena, what do you do for a living?"
My question was about the need to find out immediately. I'm not asked this in social settings - maybe due to the banter being distracting and entertaining. It happens often through social media or, in past, on dating sites.
The only reasons I can think of, that a guy would ask me this so quickly, is that he has poor conversation skills (not knowing how to get to know someone outside of that question - I do find a strong correlation), or this is a quick screening question for them to decide if I'm someone with whom it's worth "moving on to the next round" based on income or status.
Things in common or occupations that hold morally opposed implications are a concern, absolutely.
Maybe wait 5 minutes to ask? Let a person know you're interested in learning who she is, independent of her profession? Maybe show her you're an interesting person who doesn't have to rely on the answer to "what do you do" in order to have anything at all to say.
Also, my work is often very intimidating for men, in ways that surface later in conversation. I love what I do, but it says nothing about my morality or value system in any broad sense - at all.
@Athena Very True. Most of the interesting stuff I do has nothing to do with my employment. The art of conversation has really been lost on many people. I myself have often found myself resorting to cliche questions simply to attempt to start a conversation.
I don't tend to ask a guy that early on as I feel it's kind of like asking "How much money do you make?" I also feel awkward when people ask me the same question as my work is about the opposite of glamorous.
Some guys seem to worry about being taken advantage of financially so I try to be considerate of that. (Like their idea of a bad date is paying for a nice dinner & not even getting a peck on the cheek. Our idea of a bad date is being raped &/or murdered. But oh well.)
Same, i do not.work in my field right now either
Encouragement
Some women don't like to talk about what they do for a living because they feel that it doesnt help them better themselves or because they feel the income earned isnt enough. When I ask, I also ask if they like what they do, and I encourage them to keep doing what they are doing. Gotta remember we live in a world of fake economies and "jobless recoveries" so having a job is better than being unemployed or victimized by "jobless recoveries".
I am under the impression this is often attributed to Americans, as we culturally seem to place higher immediate value on income and social standing derived from profession.
I think it happens in some places more than others, yes.
I'm Canadian and live in a large cosmopolitan city. It happens here a lot, and much more than it would in a rural area of another province.
@geist171
I think it may be that and what you already mentioned; the importance we place on status and money in larger cities where it seems to matter more.
Forgive me for my repetition as I replied just above a moment ago.
Please see (if you're interested) my follow up post with the title, "8 Questions...Other than What Do you Do?"
Just to make conversation if you what you do for a living is your passion it says a lot about you and therefor paints a good picture of what type of persone you are and if you don't like your job can still be a good conversation as why your in this line of work and what you can do to change that
I would ask women that question too, but not first. I am more interested in who they are as a person than what they do, although I realize there can be a link between the two. It will come up anyway, sooner or later, but getting to know a person in other ways is much more fascinating.
I'm a woman and have been asked this question by men and I have asked this question myself. I don't mind the question and I don't mind answering it. It's just a piece of information that can help you to see how a relationship with that person fits together. I always thought guys just wanted to see if I was self sufficient and can take care of myseIf and not become overly financially dependent on them. I understand how people are concerned about being in a relationship where they could end up being the sole provider. Most of us want a partner you can build a future with and work together towards a decent life. Myself, I just like to know that they have a job! I mean it's just a practical and real life question. However, I have been asked how much I make. That's not cool. It doesn't matter how much you make. That's just someone looking for money. I think what you do for a living is a very practical question and leads to us feeling a little more secure about entering into the relationship. I'm cool with it.
I am an older man and I have found that question very male by nature. Men, when they meet, will soon be talking about what they do for a living. Yes, it is a bit strange when you think about it. Perhaps, and I can't say for sure, young men still do that and they do it with women now. In a way it is a matter of equality. I like to know what a person does. I am a film editor and I compose music. Have a nice day.
I, for one, recognize profession as the tip of the iceberg when learning about an individual. If I were to discover someone who has a career rather than just a job, that is rare and fascinating to me.
But to apply a mosaic of stereotypes based on profession, culture, race, religion or political bias is to miss the point of asking questions in the first place. IMHO.
I think it's about getting a base to work from rather than going into the heady arena of emotions! It does open the way for further questions; Do you live to work or work to live? Are you following your dreams? Do you think you are part of the system? Etc
It's less about what they do for a living and more about why they do it. Are they at that job because they love it and it's really important to them? Or are they strictly there for a paycheck? If they like it, why? What does their job say about their values?
Most men in this society feel that they are defined by their job. Them asking what someone does for a living is a way to help define who the person is.
I do not feel at all defined by my job. I don't ask what a woman does for her living, I ask how she spends her time? The answer reveals a lot about her and her priorities. If she spends 20 minutes telling me about her volunteer work rescuing kittens before she mentions her job, I know which matters more to her, or at least which she finds more fulfilling and rewarding.
Another reason for asking about someone's job is to find out what her schedule is like. Is it compatible with mine to the point that we will be able to spend time together? Will she have time to travel? Will that be weekends or weekdays? Fortunately I have some flexibility in my schedule, but it's helpful to know what to expect.
24 hours a day - 8 for sleeping - 1 or 2 commuting - 1 or 2 eating - 8 working.... work is something a person spends a significant portion of their lives doing. Depending on the vocation, you might spend more time doing that than being with anyone else in a day. It is synonymous with asking "what are you passionate about in life?" If it isn't, then you aren't living as well as you could.
I'm a woman but maybe if I were a man I'd want to know if she's a co-dependent bum type. Some women still have their brains in 1952 and if I were a man I don't think I'd be interested in supporting a grown adult as though they were a child. I wouldnt be interested in a stay-at-home wife. Also, it seems lately that these types usually use pregnancy to get out of actual employment and still expect a high fallutin lifestyle. If I were a man? Hell to the NAW.
Just want to find out how you spend your time. Nothing more sinister or complex. But then I'm kinda gormless when it comes to the ladies.
I'm adding gormless to my vocabulary!!