Agnostic.com

20 1

How do I tell my family I'm an atheist?

I've only recently told my parents that I'm not going to church anymore because I was agnostic. Now that I'm full blown atheist, I'm not real sure how to tell everybody as I'm already self conscious about many other differences I uphold. On one hand I want to just be blunt and brutal, on the other hand I want to explain everything in detail and calmly slowly let them understand what made me acquire disbelief in God.

Jrduke01 4 Jan 11
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

20 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

0

Pray they will accept you. Hell, there is no big issue here. Not believing in god is not a sin as you do not believe in godly sin also. Just state your thoughts and move on. To be an atheist, we must realize that the religious group are not what they preach , rather they will most likely condemn you. And then you move on once again.

EMC2 Level 8 Jan 23, 2018
0

Write it all in a song and sing it to them. (Just kidding). I'd suggest a simple explanation, and then suggest to them that you would be willing to answer any questions that they have. They might not care about every single last detail, but they'll probably want a few bits of clarity. Let them choose the topics for you to explain.

1

Hi JrDuke01,I think you should do the latter part explain why you aquired the disbelief in god.or why not question your parents when the opportunity arisebelief in a god.

1

I would like to add (as Sam Harris pointed out) that everyone knows what it's like to be an atheist. I used to have a Facebook group (when I had a Facebook) called the Plus Ones. It was a statement about how a theist denies the existence of thousands of gods that have been worshiped throughout recorded human history, and I deny the existence of all of those same gods, plus one.

2

You could try something along this line:

I came out to my parents at Thanksgiving. I said, “Mom, please pass the gravy to a homosexual.” She passed it to my father. A terrible scene followed.
~ Bob Smith—Gay Comic

As a gay agnostic, I can assure you, it's best to just say it. Maybe let them know you'd like to have a sit-down, and then tell them what you need to tell them. Just the facts at this point. They're probably not going to care about the logic of how you got there right now. Over time, though, they'll probably start asking questions.

That's why I posted the above quote. It's hilarious, AND, it accomplished what it was meant to accomplish without being unnecessarily harsh.

No one in my family cared when I came out as bi....they were more upset I didn't want to read tarot cards anymore.... kinda went "hey i have a girlfriend" my brother "no one cares pass the pie"

2

I think you acquired knowledge in science and disbelief just came about naturally, then. I fought it for years - actually saying I am atheist, because I was so inculcated with my Christian heritage belief system.
But, it finally just became too much. I couldn't say those creeds in church anymore. The anthems made me want to throw up - so bloody and cruel. The sermons didn't make any kind of sense. Everything was evil, cruel, mean and harsh...and supposed to represent a loving Father. I got really tired of feeling guilty for making Christ have to die on the cross for me when I still might go to hell. It just didn't make sense. I gave up the fight and have been so happy ever since.

PEGUS Level 5 Jan 12, 2018

I did come upon atheism naturally, through science and understanding of natural laws. I've been questioning my faith since Jr high school when learning about archeology and the whole evolution thing (maybe for the second time) and realizing that science tells a different story than the bible.

1

I think I need to post it here as well. (I seem to be having to explain this almost every day.) Atheism and Agnosticism are not two different points on the same scale. (i.e. Agnosticism isn't Atheism light.) They deal with completely different things. Agnosticism deals with that which one can know and Atheism deals with that which one believes. I am an Agnostic Atheist because I don't believe in god, but I know that no one can know whether or not one exists. I have met a few self-described Agnostic Christians, even though technically, every single theist out there should consider themselves an agnostic theist.

Thank you for this insight, I do realize that what you are explaining is true. I'm surly an agnostic atheist as well.

@Jrduke01 Also, as it has been pointed out by the great atheist authors of our time, "atheist" shouldn't even be a word, much like how we have no word for people who don't believe in unicorns or leprechauns.

@meerasate I was on board with everything she was saying until I got to the part where she conflated "belief" and "faith". Beliefs can be based on evidence or not, it's why those are two different words.

1

There are a ton of ways to go about this, and we all have stories. If you can narrow down what you're looking to accomplish and a little about your family dynamics, we may be able to offer better advice.

Maybe read a couple of older comments and my replies I've answered a couple of those things already. I'm open to all suggestions, though a couple I've shot down are quite brutal ways of saying "I don't give a f*ck about Christianity and I only believe in what science tells me is true."

I've given this a lot of thought and as the nearest family gathering is Easter, I'm sure a question will manifest and surely I'll handle it in a way that suits the mood of the crowd. ... I have a lot of anxiety so I'll be thinking about this a lot and probably plan about 20 conversations in my head.

@Jrduke01 Sent you a PM.

2

Why do you have to say anything at all? You don't owe them an explanation...it's your life.

Yeah, when they come to him and explain why they don't believe in unicorns, he can just say "Ditto, but for your god".

1

Be blunt and tell them. Let them go through the stages of coming to terms with the fact.

Gohan Level 7 Jan 12, 2018
2

Many of the posts here cover "why tell them at all?", so I'll respond with "how do I tell them slowly?"

First, only tell the truth, just not all of it at once.

Start with saying you no longer believe what that church teaches (you don't have to add that you don't believe what ANY church teaches). Then say you are looking for your own truth. Then when people are still asking and are open-mindedly listening, you can tell them what you've decided the truth to be for you. Make sure they understand it's about you and that their beliefs are up to them. The arguments usually stem from "how dare you not believe in MY god!".

1

It is a private matter, as all belief systems should be....why would you need to make some big announcement about it?

1

just get to the point and let them ask the questions

0

I don't know how much you have had a chance to read or watch videos from your new community. There is a lot of wonderful stuff out there. They can be useful two ways, as you more fully explore the world view you will be more eloquent in answering their questions and be more confident to do so.

Also, there is much you might share with them directly.

One of the hardest things to get them to understand that it isn't a bleak worldview at all.

Here's one -

Wait for it, it gets better.
(Actually, his entire channel is worth watching)

Have you read Demon Haunted World?

I've got a mountain of likely suggestions if you're interested.

Or perhaps you can just play them this video... Have you met Frank Turner yet? He's amazing.

Thank you for the suggestion, I might suggest a different video, being as this is slightly vague. I will watch a couple more of his videos and go from there. In all honesty though, they really might just want to hear it directly from me. I think if my family wants to know more, they will want to know what my feelings and beliefs are specifically about specific things.

I'll keep these videos in mind though if something doesn't go as planned or somebody just doesn't understand anything I'm saying at all.

That doesn't help, I don't want to be blunt to my family, but I think I have to be blunt with you. I'm not going to use a video to tell my family something that, as I see it, needs to be personal.

Showing the Frank Turner video as the actual way to tell them was "tongue in cheek."

Mostly, I am talking about resources for you that might make you more at ease discussing it.

@ScottAHurst Did anyone else get so annoyed by the double negative (and the victory bell nonsequitur) that they had to turn that video off?

I got annoyed by the double negative as well but not as much as the whole frickin video

2

First, why is it necessary that they know? What difference will it make if they don't know? Will it make your life better? Will it make their lives better? Can this be divulged on a "need to know" basis? I believe in being honest and I'm very forthright, however I am also discrete. If they don't need to know why bother?

I think it's necessary they know when my mom decides to give me a new bible for Christmas even after I told her (and only her) that I was agnostic. I was agnostic for about four years before the circumstance came up that I had to tell her. I've just decided that I can't let it go that long again before I tell them what I believe, or don't believe, because of the things that might come up at our easter gathering.

@Jrduke01 When you get a gift, the appropriate response is "Thank you." You don't need to say any more about it. Then you can do with it what you please, use it as a doorstop or give it away. If you are asked about your faith or lack thereof you can be non committal. My dad used to reply to nosy questions by asking if we were writing a book, and if we said yes he'd tell us to leave that chapter out. If you treat it like it is no big deal the more likely they're going to treat it like no big deal.

I didn't say anything, because I wasn't ready to tell them. I'm not going to pick a fight over that gift either. I was simply giving an example of how my mom gives me a subtle yet strong suggestion that I need to read the bible more often. I feel that if I don't tell her soon she's going to keep giving me these suggestions and then I'm going to get tired of them to the point of explosion. ....that is why I need to plan a time to tell my family that I'm atheist.

I'm choosing my battles and strategically timing them to hopefully not upset everybody at once and give everybody the answers to questions they undoubtedly will ask.

@Jrduke01 You know that still might not stop her. If she is a diehard Christian, she might feel she is still trying to save your soul - not being mean to you, just trying to save you from yourself. That might be just her mom's way of loving you. Give her the benefit of doubt and stop beating this dead horse. Accept the Bible and give her a hug. You don't have to say, 'thank you' = she knows you don't. But the hug shows you still love her in spite of.....Ask her where she got it, and if possible, take it back and return it and get a book you will enjoy.

@PEGUS I thought everyone got their bibles from hotel rooms...
Jokes aside, my uncle used to buy me a membership to the NRA every year for my birthday. I had to be confrontational and told him to stop for three reasons. I don't like the NRA and don't want them to get more money. I don't want my name on their list of supporters. Giving someone a gift should be something for them, not for yourself. (To me that's like a man giving a sexy nighty to his lady as a gift or proposing on Christmas.) My point is, "you don't have to tell them" is not necessarily true...

@JeffMurray--- a big difference in accepting guns from your uncle and supporting the NRA vs not hurting your mother's feelings by accepting a Bible from her when she hasn't yet been told that you are atheist...can't you really see the difference?

2

After moving out I told them I was atheist, they were scared because I had never shown any “signs”, like it was a mental illness. One day my Dads invited me for a walk and asked me if I believed in angels, I said no of course, he followed up by asking if I believed in demons. I had to explain to him that I’m not evil now that I don’t believe the lies iv grown up with, and that whatever they believe is fine as long as it stays in the afterlife, because right now only what I can know will matter to me. Don’t ask me to participate in rituals, like prayer before meals, enjoy on your own, I’ll poor drinks. I’m glad my parents try to do what’s right, maybe in the future they can be saved from their lies.

3

A simple declarative sentence ought to do it. It's just like saying, "my eyes are green".
Their reactions are out of your control. Live your own life to your own satisfaction.
You can't make anyone "understand" anything.

2

You're an adult. Do you live with your family? Do you want to move out? Are you employed and prepared to move out? You have to take one step at a time. Weigh the options. Then tell them you are an atheist. Best of luck and welcome you have friends here.

I am moved out with a good job. The most concern weighing on my mind is that they will see me differently and somehow not accept me.

@MichaelSpinler Fuck all that. He's not the one disowning them. If they're that shallow or stupid, he's not losing much. Blood is not thicker than water, no matter what people tell you.

1

Well, it's different for everyone but I would start by just saying it out loud somehow. They ask you to pray or mention something religious to you that you don't want to do or disagree with, it makes it more natural to say "I don't believe/(want to do) that because I am an atheist."

Then likely questions come up from them that you can hopefully calmly answer, or bluntly if you have to be more assertive.

Best case is they say "Ok" and it ends there (my experience with members in my family) they acknowledged I don't believe what they do and we openly discuss our stances or why we do what we do.

Worst case they stop talking to you, try passive aggression or actual violence, where the law will protect you, in which case that's more their issue then yours, it may be a problem if you're living at home or lose doing things you enjoy doing with them but ultimately if they can't accept you then that's no family.

This is extremely close to what I was thinking would happen. I'm trying to convince myself to let go of the anxiety I get from thinking about this and just letting it happen. I just have to weigh the consequences of the worst thing that might happen and see what happens.

@Jrduke01, weighing it won't help and even if you see a 99% chance of disaster you're biased so the 1% may be more heavily weighted to your favor. Even with the odds the way they are someone wins the lottery.

2

This is almost impossible to answer, I have a friend whom is gay and an atheist. His family accepted that he is gay but he had to move to where he was safe (from the bible belt to California) because he is an Atheist.
For me it was easy, after my wife's head exploded and caused a small earthquake she deals with it as long as I'm not "an activist" locally. Thus here I am. In live in Colorado and have had little push back, I have even befriended the most, very most unlikely of people....(clergy).
I am care full to "share" my thoughts. "I just couldn't believe there was a talking snake." I did not attack anyone's belief or religion. I simply "shared" my doubts. With this technique there is no debate and the listener might actually not only "share" your thoughts(even though they don't have to admit it) but it's difficult to debate about your doubts, they are yours....and it just might plant a seed of thought for them to work out on their own.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:14443
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.