I disageee, your weighing yourself down carrying it all around, the people you don’t forgive are not even aware of your suffering. You don’t need to invite them for tea, just get on with your life without the well being poisoned by your own anger. It’s probably being carried as a tightness in your mussels, stomach and jaw... unclench, stretch and breathe... if you are not at present being poked with a stick it’s only your mind that needs to be free. Those that wronged you have to deal with who they are and what they have done in their own minds, not your problem.

It depends on whether you continue to dwell on the event or not.

Remaining angry about something that cannot be changed or undone seems to me to be a waste of energy.

Being angry doesn't make me happy. But you don't have to forgive someone to stop being angry.

It feels like they're saying "get over it".

Why should I forgive those who have done the unforgivable? That basically let's them get away with it

I won't forgive those who haven't earned it. And some grievances can never be made up for.

You don't have to waste time or energy being angry...
but you certainly don't have to "forgive and forget" either.
There a many things that are unforgivable.

I absolutely agree with you 100%.
I don't believe in forgiveness, at all.
I think it's a complete load of horseshit.
You either get over something, or you don't. There is no "forgiveness",
for anything.

My family doesn't approve of how I react to being wronged and say that I carry grudges. No, actually I just remember grievances and adjust my behavior accordingly when decisions are made with reference to the offenders involved. While I understand that those events have passed, the people haven't and, until they do, my relationship with them will remain as it is, without overt displays of anger or hostility.

Yep... I stopped asking what would Jesus do?
Now it's...what would Charles Bronson do? ?

Sure forgive the little things..but anyone hurts my girls..and I'll hunt them down Neeson style..

There are some people in my life that I can’t condone their actions and will not forgive them. To do that would be to betray myself and the amount of pain and harm they have caused.

Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting...

To be angry is an emotional state that is rooted in fear. In order to be angry, you must be afraid on some level. Anger is a method for overcoming fear and acting; it is extremely useful in the right circumstances. However, being in that state for a prolonged period of time makes a person's view of a situation narrow. Operating in fear long-term is not optimal. So, the first hurdle would be seeing the connection between anger and fear.

After that, look at the differences between forgiving and forgetting...

I do not get along with my brother - literally. He has disrespected me time and time again. He has injected himself into my life and relationships in unacceptable ways. I've tried to address it, but he is unwilling to even acknowledge it. Anger was a constant in that situation for me. Extreme anger can go violent and I won't tolerate that from myself.

However, my anger was rooted in me wanting to protect the stability in my relationships as well as the ego shot I took from some of his actions. I was afraid of continued abuse as well as a lack of feeling respect for myself. I realized had to go and, subsequently, he had to be removed from my life.

If I think about it, I get angry... but that's because I'm taking that image of what happened and replaying it in my mind. If I set aside the image, then I see the truth that he is not present and not able to affect me. If he tries, I know how to deal with him. From there, I examine why he does what he does and then it is clear: I frighten him. He is reminded of his failures in life when he looks at me and he needs to feel validated in his decisions. By tripping me up, he feels that he is actually stronger via his life's path. He is fighting with his own images and not dealing with it well. His behavior towards me is a symptom.

So, I learn not to let my phantoms and fears drive me through my anger - lest I be like the asshole brother.

I understand it and I forgive him. That doesn't mean we hang out now though. He's still a train wreck when it comes to me. Rather, I see that he is great with other people and I want him to be happy and healthy... just to do that far away from me. I'm not angry, I love him. But he isn't mentally put together where he can have a relationship with me. It sucks, but that is what I have. I forgive, but I don't forget.

Long post - sorry. Still, I hope that it is helpful to read. Don't be angry. Let go of that because it will reduce your joy and your good time on planet earth. Most of us here have accepted that you have this life and then poof... so don't waste it feeling angry.

All the best!

I agree with you totally. My younger daughter has many problems because her oldest son was murdered and there was no trial and therefore no closure. A murdered grandson bothers me too. When things like this come to trial and people stand up in court telling the killer "they forgive him" I feel they are only doing this to think they gain a ticket into heaven somehow. It's not rational or sensible. It's unforgivable.

On the other hand if you are always in remembrance of what was done, said, happened, etc. last year or 6 months ago in a relationship and simply have to always bring it up you need to STF up and just move on with your life. You should live your life daily and look for the best.

I don't forgive because I consider it fairly worthless. I generally just walk away and move forward from that point.

I agree with so many of you who say you don't forgive people who have done terrible things to you. I think remembering is a smart way to keep you out of similar situations. Active anger can eat you alive, but i choose to just admit the harm they've done to me then drop them from my life. I'm too old to allow toxic people to keep poisoning my life.

My ex did, and continues to justify, some revolting acts against me and the children (the latter are unaware) so forgiveness isn't anywhere on my agenda. If she made sort of attempt at repairing the damage then who knows but damage has been done and what she's taken away can't be given back, so no.......fuck off, not a chance.

Forgiveness is a word that gets a lot of bad reactions. I can see that. Maybe a better word should be used. Because it's not about letting the other person off the hook, it's about not letting your anger and hatred weigh down on you. There's a quote I always come back to:
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

I think people often confuse forgiveness with forgetting or with trusting. You don't have to forget an offense that you forgive, and you don't have to trust or want to be around someone you've forgiven. Those are separate boundary issues. Forgiving an offense is not the same as taping a "kick me" sign to your back.

Forgiveness is just not commiting self-harm by stewing in your own juices about something or plotting revenge (as opposed to seeing justice done).

I don't agree with you. But that doesn't mean you're wrong.

What truly changed my mind about forgiveness began with an interview I heard on public radio with Peter and Linda Biehl, whose daughter Amy was murdered in the townships of South Africa. They forgave her killers, and through the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, founded the Amy Biehl Foundation - which still helps needy families there. Here's an article about their extraordinary courage and grace:

[dailymaverick.co.za]

The second phase of my journey began when I learned through years of hard therapeutic work that forgiveness is not transactional. That is, I forgive to help myself heal, not to "excuse" the person who wronged me. It is an act of letting go that is the most profound gift I ever gave myself. I am free. I am not bitter or angry about what was done to me.

I am free.

Yes I agree.

I agree 100%. Especially if the person won’t/can’t admit they’ve wronged you. I mean, I’m all for being the bigger person but fuck all that noise.

What if forgiveness isn't about the person. What if forgiveness is a completely internal process that involves not letting something consume you or define who you are. What if forgiveness is living beyond trauma or not giving that trauma power over your life anymore. What if forgiveness is not about saying it's okay that someone hurt but rather forgiveness is allowing yourself to live beyond the pain.

There is an individual who was in my life at one time who has asked me to forgive him for some pretty brutal vile things that he did to me. He wanted the peace that came with my forgiveness. I really contemplated it and I just couldn't do it. I don't forgive him. I can try to understand why he did the things he did. He was a damaged person. Something or someone made him the way he was. However. I can not forgive. Ive truly healed from it. I worked hard on myself to heal. I thought that once I was OK again I could give him the peace of mind that he wants. But I just cant. Is forgiveness really for the victims well being or more so to ease the guilt of the offender?

I came to forgiveness after many years in counseling attempting to reset all that I was taught. I now understand a complete inability to wrestle with life's challenges in a positive manner was due to mental illness & a complete lack of parental role models. How could I not forgive, as the crimes were beyond the control of the perpetrator? An inability to direct rage towards a positive outcome. That I should repeat such affronts was merely continuing a legacy of damage. Altho 35 years has now separated us, & the death that ensued has left me free of any possibility of reconciliation, it was I that sought healing & reformed behavior & not the adversary. This pursuit has left me in a more stable & healthful realm. Combined with forgiveness & the distance of years, I am far from complete but I am closer than I would have been had I chosen the damaging path that I was compelled to follow. Forgiveness frees the victim. It is not for the assaillant.

I don't forgive, but I am learning to let go of my history, recounting what happened to me in early life is of no importance to me now except if anyone asks and it doesnt bring up any feelings to answer them so I ma having an ok life now and hav ehad for longer now that hte abusive one.

U hurt me , I will forgive u probably or at least I will deal with it eventually in a healthy way . Don't think I will forget thou . If u hurt a or elderly or anyone that u were able to take advantage bcz of age / mental status / situation , and I am aware of it , u got an enemy for life . If u hurt in any way anyone of humans that I cal family or friends , I will confront u , and if u physically hurt even a hair of my people the wrong way , u r done . I ll be in jail and your range of options are btwen black eye to death , depends what u did to my people . And that's y I made the choice to not reproduce . Yep .