Decades ago after a woman who decided to move on crushed my soul like a Sandstone pebble, and I eventually got over it, I thought that I had endured enough to figure it out, and that no one would ever be able to do that again. But of course I was wrong. Have you ever felt that way to? Have you figured out what the armor is that works?
Buddhist philosophy has some great insights on this. They discuss attachment and its role in suffering frequently. Appreciating experiences for what they are, not what you want them to be is profoundly helpful. Everything ends, it's appreciating what you have while you have it and accepting the nature of the relationships that heals your emotions.
I quit MANY years ago. This is a site where there can never be too much info. I weighed a lot, lost 200 lbs and lived the life of a fit, 140 lb woman for 8 years. All it ever got me was laid, every which way but up, when I figured out it wasn't 'that' I moved on, some 20 years ago. No interest, what-so-ever, not even a tad. I'm not lonely, have 2 pugs, a beautiful piece of propterty, a garden to die for, what else could I want?
I feel that I've calloused enough to endure, though I hope to not go through heartbreak again. Maybe that's why I prefer singleness: deep emotional vulnerability in regards to romantic love is the only cowardly thing about me unfortunately. Otherwise, I'm a fairly ballsy broad.
"And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin
I finally let my walls down because they were too painful to maintain. Vulnerability is being tender to oneself, and we have to forgive ourselves.
The Buddhists have it right - don't get attached to anything except your own happiness. As long as you have that as your basis, nothing can really harm you.
My modus operandi has always been "Open heart, open mind."
Then I was hurt by two "players." I felt sad, disillusioned and all kinds of stupid.
It is impossible to be open to love, yet keep your heart in a box, I discovered.
Loving whole-heartedly requires vulnerability.
Enjoy this wonderful, 20 minute TED talk by Dr. Brene' Brown on "The Power of Vulnerability." Her talk changed my life.
To have that armour, you have to lack empathy or the ability to care about others. I have great capacity to care for others, and yes, it has led to heartache in my life, as my ability to care deeply is a magnet to those who cannot care deeply. These are the narcissists of the world. Those who lack empathy but are attracted to those who have it, trying to suck the empathy and care out of them, but when that doesn't happen, begins a devaluing and discarding process that leaves the caring person heartbroken. This has been a pattern in my life in love, in friendship, and even in my career. It's been exhausting.
I was there only once as a teen. It didn't work.... Never again but don't know what/if I did anything knowingly to control it. It's like I lost all my feelings altogether and gradually over time as I grow old they are trying to come back..... I don't know what for or why.
I have some pretty high thick walls. Every once in a while a person finds the door and key and gets inside. And when they go, I’m heartbroken to the point that I declare I’ll never let that happen again because when you let someone in they devastate you. But then I do.
I guess the risk of a broken heart is better than the fear of loneliness? Or maybe I refuse to let go of the thought that while I’m looking for him, he’s looking for me. And eventually our paths will cross. Someplace normal and mundane like the grocery store or the DMV. A some little spark between us will ignite a fire..and suddenly, flames everywhere.
Relationship require you to take chances and become vulnerable. Everyone has to ask if the joy you get out of any given relationship is enough of an upside to balance against what could be betrayal and emotional devastation. Keep your relationships shallow if the risk scares you.