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Fear of Rejection

We join dating sites and try our hardest to connect with potential partners. Nothing happens. Never works. We continue to try though with a high level of hope for the "one" who rings our bell the loudest. With avid awareness that the one for me is out there somewhere. Like it says in the song, "to find a prince you have to kiss a lot of toads."What do you believe is the greatest reason single people have difficulty connecting? If it's fear of rejection is there a simple way to get past it? If you have to kiss a hundred toads why not consider paying your dues because you only need one to be the prince. How many no longer fear rejection and how did you get past it?

By JSchaper6
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24 comments

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8

My experience in dating sites has been abysmal to say the least. I am usually asked how much I weigh, What do my boobs look like, followed up by do you like to be in top/give good blow jobs/watch TV naked/want anal sex, blah, blah, blah. If I meet a man who is not on a dating site, it is just as bad. I'm not sure what older men are thinking. Maybe they have trouble getting it up, or maybe they think they sound like studs. I don't know. Men who meet me in person, usually don't find me sexy, so I rarely have a second date. The truth is, I don't find them sexy either,but, I might if they could get over themselves, and have a conversation, see them as kind, intelligent, funny, witty, well read, had a sense of honor and integrity, and show as much interest in learning about me as they are about themselves. I don't fear rejection. I have been rejected a lot. A person who doesn't want to be around me, should reject me. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to with you? I dont. Life is too short to worry about it. I'm very happy by myself. If a man came along who was my equal, who was my hero and I was his, I would be very happy. If not, I'm still happy.

7

I think that the greatest reason single people have difficulty connecting is that, in general, decent people willing to work on a relationship, stay in a relationship. A few single people were married to people who were unwilling to try, and those are emotionally damaged by putting up with so much before leaving. We need to work to be better people, and work to find someone else who is doing the same.

6

I don't fear rejection, I think because it has happened so often. I mostly fear wasting my time. I'm 60. The reality is that long distance doesn't work and I'm not open to relocating. I live in a conservative backwater. I have so many filters that there are very few available men, likely zero. So, I've pretty much given up. Lightning will have to strike, and I'm OK with that.

6

I have experienced a lot of rejection. Not in the sense that I've been dumped a number of times. In fact, I'm the one that leaves. Why? It's all about the level and nature of my partner's connection to me, which in my opinion has never been that deep even when words are spoken to the contrary. My love relationships by way of one marriage, and a couple of longer relationships always started out with that great falling in love phase with its amazing feeling of connecting to someone's very soul and vice versa, but I feel like once I committed myself to them, my partner turns a corner and begins a process to see how much crap they can heap on me and get away with it. It's almost like they silently say, "Oh good I got her! Now I don't have to put on this romantic act anymore, but she loves me so she'll do stuff for me and always make me feel good." My life has felt like a series of people (love, friendship, even work) drawing me in, then once they got me, starts the next phase of devaluing, which looks like this...excessive criticism, embarrassing me in public, telling jokes at my expense, ignoring requests, ignoring my needs in the relationship, not listening, just being plain rude, overreacting when I stand up for myself, try to convince me I'm over emotional or overly sensitive when I stand up for myself, on and on. At which point I decide I've had enough of the games, and I end the relationship. I've said in every committed relationship I've been in "You're losing me. You're hurting me with the way you treat me, and you're losing me." But it never changed things. So, who rejected who? It's like my partner started a game of "I'm rejecting you before you reject me" inside the relationship while it was still going, but then acted hurt when I did the leaving. There is a lot of mind-game playing in relationships.

I've chosen to stay single and alone as I have yet to meet someone who will engage with me in a truly honest and open manner, with a true commitment from the heart. I don't know if I fear rejection, but I'm truly exhausted by this game of getting rejected while in a relationship.

linxminx Level 7 Aug 29, 2018
6

I do not fear rejection, their loss my gain, I just move on.

Sheannutt Level 9 Aug 29, 2018
5

Not being here for dating has never been about "fearing rejection" for me.
I have no interest in dating, and I'm no longer looking for a relationship.
Rejection has never been the issue.
To quote Amy Schumer, I can catch a dick whenever I want.
I'm just tired of the bullshit. I'm tired of duplicity and betrayal.
Those are my reasons. Other people's are their own.

KKGator Level 9 Aug 29, 2018
5

I don't have a high level of hope. I've been single a long time, and the reality is that may not change. (The way I figure it, the odds aren't in my favor.) Because of that, I'm not willing to kiss a lot of frogs. In the meantime, I enjoy the life I have; and if I do find a partner....Bonus!!

Anne209 Level 6 Aug 29, 2018
5

I think they have difficulty connecting due to past baggage. The older you get the longer your list of "don't wants" becomes. Its about fear of additional crappy relationships more than fear of rejection.

exilesky Level 7 Aug 29, 2018
5

I was rejected in every possible way by the "love of my life". I thought I would never be able to trust again. Now I think differently. And I agree with my sis, @Sheannutt, "their loss my gain".

3

I think if a person is looking for a 'prince' (and the expectations that come with that) then disappointment is due to follow (on both sides). What the hell is being a prince really mean anyway?

I think that rejection is a huge part of why we don't at least try to connect and then expectations can muddy the connection for those who are brave enough to push past the rejection issue.

I grew up thinking that it is the man's job to approach me. (how sad) It never occurred to me that it is perfectly acceptable for me to approach a man. Confidence was never one of my strengths, so I was quite happy to accept what I thought was the norm. Fast forward to now and I am still not comfortable with approaching men but I do accept that I have every right to do so....so some progress made there. So now, I have and do cautiously attempt to approach and although none of them have been successful thus far, that is ok because I am also learning how to handle rejection! That is a win win in my book. smile002.gif

All I have to do now is work on the expectation part....right? smile005.gif

3

Trouble connecting ? We're too complicated now - with too many choices, and a throw away attitude. Though I've met some fine people online, and had a couple really good relationships out of it, it seems online meets don't always allow for people to actually get past their initial reactions, and get to know one another. I always wondered how many I might have passed up, that would have been good for me ?

While it isn't always fun, I never saw rejection as something to be "feared". I don't want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. Simple.
It's not personal, it's preference. Ya move on ...

evergreen Level 8 Aug 29, 2018
3

Learn to read the posts and what they are explaining. Open your mind to what is being posted aside from dating and then look up the term 'Agnostic'

2

Even if you get "picked" what's to say you won't get dumped soon thereafter?
And I am not trying to be downer, either!
My point is, are you already happy with most of your life? If someone comes along to enhance your life, excellent! If not, go about your lovely day secure in the idea you lack for nothing!

Being 'picked does not guarantee anything. Great point. And being happy with other areas of your life makes being alone easier. And maybe feeling less pressure to find someone?

2

I can't imagine anyone getting used to rejection. To further complicate matters it is not just about kissing a prince/toad but kissing the right prince/toad.

2

My greatest reason for not connecting is there simply is no one in my rural area that I have found any interest in and very few are anywhere close enough to actually meet.

jlynn37 Level 8 Aug 29, 2018
1

I was homeschool, and I didn't develop social skills. I've also never had a girl hit on me, so I take every compliment I've ever received as a kind lie. I have no self confidence, so I don't know how to start a dialogue. How I've ever had a girlfriend, much less a wife, is nothing short of sensational. How I've had an ex wife who cheated on me because I wasn't part of "gods plan" is actually expected. If karma existed, I totally screwed someone over like 50 times terrible... But karma doesn't exist. Life can just be really shitty... No plan or rebound to an amazing life after. If you think karma is a thing: you are stupid. Just like if you think magic is real, you are stupid. Karma is magical balance, a conscious shit being making people pay for something or suffer for something else. Stupid.

The part about not developing social skills could actually work to your and/or your potential mate's benefits. It means you're not quite as sullied as the rest of us. Your ex probably didn't deserve you. Nail on the head with that karma bullshit.

1

I don't recommend joining dating sites to find a mate. A better idea is to be open to making connections in places where you do something you adore. For example, by joining the Appalachian Mountain Club, you might meet someone who loves hiking as much as you do. If you play an instrument, consider joinng a local orchestra or band. You will find someone there that you connect with.

1

I don't fear rejection as much anymore.. I tried the whole poly, open relationship thing after my divorce and came to terms with a lot of rejection, and I rejected a lot of people too.

I fear making long, drawn out mistakes. It was a year long open relationship that made me realize that all the attention, all the physical gratification, was meaningless deep inside. I went through a period of abstinence and solitude.. Like monk type solitude, only meditating and focusing on my own self. I discovered a lot about myself. I'm not cut out for that lifestyle. So I'm back to monogamy, made a few quick mistakes in girls I was interested in, then spent the summer with a longer mistake.. But I learned a lot from that relationship, and ultimately her rejection.

I believe the greatest reason for difficulty in connection is the willingness to go along to get along, and not communicating with your partner, and that is a 2 way street. The facade of trying to hide your thoughts when they do something that hurts. The unwillingness to hear what your partner is saying, humbly, and have it matter in your heart without blowing it off. Truly seeing and being seen, as Josh Tillman put it so eloquently in one of my favorite songs.

There's no way to get past the fear of rejection quickly unless you are highly in tune with yourself and realize that the stories you play in your head aren't real, fear is a phantom, and you can only live in this moment. It's your decision to believe that you will be rejected, and that it matters for the few moments that it takes to get rejected.

I would happily accept rejection now, because it saves me from long, drawn out mistakes.

Acseeley Level 5 Sep 12, 2018
1

First of all, I'll just bet none of you ladies have updated your Frogs to Prince app in a long time. As the new terms and conditions came into effect as soon as we heard that AOL dial up tone and saw all of you sending boob pics everywhere we have done away with the kissing frogs bit and switched to far more efficacious blowing frogs bit with the anal option if that's to extreme for you. Believe me you'll hardly feel it if you choose the anal option. I know what your thinking. Eeew! But look on the bright side. No pubes to get in the way! All of you can deep throat us! We only ejaculate a little bit. Plus! You get a real live Prince! Now these aren't your average run of the mill Princes. No, we all come from a long line of bonerfide Princes that had really crappy curses cast on us for being really assholeish Princes a long long time ago but we have learned our lesson. Honest! Really! But to be honest you're still going to have to put up with a lot of anal stuff because we are all descended from British guys that came from British schools where that was quite common and we had no idea what we were doing.

Anonbene Level 8 Aug 31, 2018
1

Rejection is a powerful tool, I think most people just don't want to be hurt. So they don't put themselves out there. I think people fear what they don't know, more than rejection.

Sbratt1 Level 3 Aug 30, 2018
1

This is interesting. I was just thinking that this online dating thing has been instructive about my own double standards. I've met a couple of highly intelligent and wonderful women to whom I did not find myself physically attracted. Am I that shallow? Probably. But then I felt unsure of how to communicate this in a sincere yet non-assholish way...

At any rate it isn't the fear of rejection from a stranger that I hardly know that bothers me; what bothers me is the challenge to my sense of self esteem that whispers "ok, maybe you are not as suave and witty as you think you are." smile001.gif But I would like to think that I am bit of the deviation from the norm, and there is always a price to pay for that privilege.

I totally get what you're saying.....for me, it was always about the chemistry. It doesn't matter how great you look or how interesting and/or compatible your profile sounds - it takes actual face time to see if that chemistry (spark) is there. And if its not - that has to be the hardest, most awkward spot to be in. smile003.gif

1

Just tired of kissing toads. Why can't I find my prince?

After a while, toads (real toads), don't look so bad !

@evergreen You don't know the toads I've kissed. LOL

@confidentrealm K If they were that bad - maybe a kiss is too generous !

@evergreen I just haven't found what I'm looking for. I don't know if I even want to look anymore sometimes. Last time I quit looking he came to me. Problem is he died nine months later. I was fortunate to have known him and had him in my life.
Now, I'm ready for another relationship but getting picky these days.

@confidentrealm I hear ya ! Sometimes it just seems like too damn much trouble.

@evergreen Finding someone or dealing with finding the right one? I sort of gave up. I'm booking a windjammer cruise in Maine today. I wanted to have someone to go with but that didn't work out so I'm vacationing by myself. I have also decided to buy a ring and engage myself smile001.gif

@confidentrealm Both. Love the ring idea ! May you live happily ever after !

@evergreen Til death us do part

1

I do not fear rejection. I kind of prefer it.
I'm not sure why, but I don't really care either.

Genuine human connections are worth it, I hope that encourages you at least a little bit.

That's a little warped

@CallMeDave Human connections don't have to be warped, silly.

P.S. You're fucked up, too.
You know it.

@Donotbelieve would you like me otherwise?

@CallMeDave No. No. No. Not my point.
I like you how you are.

I just recognized the quirk that we share.

0

Nobody likes rejection and the taste of toads can be a bit much too. I had an evolution from fear of being rejected to not giving a shit but I'm not sure when I passed through this particular gateway lol

ipdg77 Level 8 Sep 15, 2018
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