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How would you handle this?

So my best friend online has started dating this woman after about two weeks. Yesterday he told me that they had a discussion about friends of the opposite sex, and that they had a disagreement over it, but my friend withheld the reason why until I asked him again today. Turns out that she thinks that he's more emotionally attached to me than her, and that she thinks that he's using her for sex only. She's so suspicious that she demanded to read our private conversations. If anyone knows my friend, he flirts with me and we have emotionally intense conversations because we've been friends for three years this October, but he limits how much since he lives in Canada and me in Florida. I have very deep feelings for him, and I told him and he knows that I do, but I also make myself scarce when he gets girlfriends out of respect. I'm taken aback that she thinks I'm a threat to her from where I am. I could understand if I were in the area, but she's being ridiculous. I just hate to lose good friends to relationships because the woman is or would be jealous of me. He's truly been a wonderful friend to me, and it hurts me to think about wanting to sever ties with him. I told him that I don't answer to hierarchy and that her insecurities are on her--how she feels shouldn't dictate our friendship. What do you think? Because I feel stupid to be this emotionally invested in someone I never met, online of all places. My pride makes me want to walk because I don't fight chicks over guys, but it's been a rough year for me because I had to cut ties with long time friends over how they treated me, or I had some people who I thought would be good friends vanish for no reason. He's the only one I have at this point. I don't know what to do ?

Stepmomofdragons 7 Sep 4

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44 comments

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1

I had an Australian friend her and I would write each other every month just friend stuff. The woman I was dating at the time got so extremely jealous. I had to let my friend go to this day which is over 25 years I still regret losing my friend to such pettiness.

@Stepmomofdragons Have you thought about or attempted to converse with the girlfriend? State some like that you enjoy your platonic relationship with your friend and set boundaries.

14

Code words that your are not seeing this for what it really is....

he flirts with me
we have intense conversations

Let's get real here.

  1. He's in Canada, you're in Florida...he's catfishing you
  2. After 2 weeks dating a girl, she already knows about you?.... he triangulates women so they react to each other's presence which feeds his ego

Dump this friend...he's a narcissist. Don't worry about the girl of only 2 weeks, she is wise in reacting the way she has, and she needs to dump his @$$ as well!!

Agreed.

9

"He's the Only one I have at this point" sums up your problem nicely! Please get out there & build a life for yourself where you are!

7

Hate to make your year even tougher, but you are (subjectively) an existential threat to his GF. The only reason I don't say to stand down is that she's to this level after just 2 weeks.

I dunno, maybe another way to look at it is that you have a relationship with him that consumes so much bandwidth (I'm not talking about network bandwidth, but his time and energy) that it's almost immediately obvious to a new GF and this is limiting him in his relationships. He really should have the sense to choose between you or an in-person relationship, but if he doesn't have the integrity to do it, you should do it for him IMO.

Maybe it's not that much and the GF is overly needy and demanding and jealous, but emotional exclusivity is part of the package of someone seeking a long term relationship. Otherwise it's kind of like Clinton claiming he "didn't have sex with that woman" merely because it didn't involve penetration.

You can and will make new friends over time. Learning to sit with being alone is not inherently a bad thing either. That probably sounds a little cold but that is how life works out sometimes.

6

Back when my ex cheated on me, she did so with a guy who lives in Pittsburgh. We were, and still are, in Florida. So the distance between the two of you is meaningless. An affair can begin from anywhere and between anyone. She's not being unreasonable to be suspicious if there's something to be suspicious of. I DID read the private conversations my ex and the scumbag she cheated with had and it confirmed my suspicions. The distance wasn't a factor at all. An affair can be had over the internet, the phone, text messaging, whatever technology is available until such time as the participants can arrange for an in-person roll in the hay.

I will never forget the pain I felt when I found out Suzanne was cheating and it's the most intense pain ever. It's the reason I would never have an affair with a married woman because I don't want to be the scumbag he is. My advice would be to discontinue contact with him until such tine as it no longer threatens the current relationship OR you should come together as a couple with him if that's how you two feel and quit dancing around the issue. If he is just using her as a sex toy with a pulse then he's being a selfish prick.

Either back off or come together.

Just my $0.02

6

I can't see a positive reason to respond to either of them. There's over 350 million people in America, find another friend, this is drama you can't win.

6

I don't want to knock you back but she's mostly right. It's far too early in the relationship for her to make demands, but you are clearly involved with him at a level that can encroach upon a romantic relationship. Distance denying physical contact is a big deal breaker in many relationships, but emotional support transcends distance. He may be actually using her for sex and you for everything else.

As far as you're concerned you're not doing anything wrong, but I feel for you in terms of losing friends. Regardless of how this turns out I've lost my fair share, it's not easy and finding new friends at least for me if nigh impossible. I try to fill my time with hobbies that are productive in some way. I don't need people for the gym or off-roading, and sometimes you meet cool people along the way.

5

Is distance the only reason you and he are not together romantically? After 3 years, Whose excuse is that? Yours or his? I'd have these questions if I was a third party. Sounds like nobody in this triangle is ready for an intimate relationship. Just an outsider's view. Hope it helps. Best wishes to all of you.

This.

5

Sounds like he’s the one putting you between them. I’d strongly question the motives and emotional stability of anyone who would put the onus of their relationship decisions on a 3rd party.

Marz Level 7 Sep 4, 2018
5

It is my view that if he likes her a great deal then the flirting should cease or he should make the move on pursuing you. If you were my partner I would not be a huge fan of flirting or sexually driven discussions of intimacy. I am impressed that she could feel that you have deep feelings for him. Very keen she is. It appears to me that a decision needs to be made. Hope everything works out to the benefit of all.

5

I can see both sides.

One could argue that she is only being jealous and insecure, and should not try to control who her boyfriend's friends are.

On the other hand, a lot of people consider emotional fidelity to be almost as important as physical faithfulness. I am not sure I would like the idea of my girlfriend having such a strong emotional attachment to a male friend. Especially if there is flirting involved, as you say.

A rule I have tried to live by for most of my adult life is to always treat my friends of the opposite sex exactly how I would treat my friends of the same sex. In other words, no flirting and no touching.

5

Sounds to me like you are his "emotional support" person when he needs you, and
he's really good at using people for whatever he needs.

Based solely on what you described, I'd be cutting this guy loose with a quickness.

I'd rather be alone than allow anyone to use me for anything.

5

I can see all the points here. She is quite rightly jealous. You have had a 3 year relationship with him. All be it long distance and platonic but nevertheless admittedly emotional and deep. She is Johnny come lately to the scene and at only 2 weeks will have a long way to achieve the bond that you share with him. Put yourself in her shoes.
He is getting laid and wants to keep her sweet but in his defense has taken your side of the argument.
You say that you have no problem "taking a back seat". Then do so, for a while at least. There may be no need to sever all ties, just stay shtum for a bit. She is feeling fragile and it may not last long or she may become more secure. Either way it could just be temporary thing. However it may be an idea to try and cultivate some relationships a little closer to home.
PS. on a totally different subject. I couldnt help but notice on your profile that youre a Dr Who fan. Are you looking forward to the new female one?

@Stepmomofdragons It has not aired here yet. No doubt it will be on US TV very soon afterward

@Cutiebeauty minimalism perfected.

4

With regard to the other woman the words, POSSESSIVE, INSECURE and CONTROL FREAK spring to mind. If I were him I would regard her behavior as a red flag and break off all contact with her.

4

Well, you describe this situation as a "relationship" even wile denying it as such. Do I guess the answer to the question lies in your being able to define what you want. I believe you have an open relationship with this fella (from your end) and it would benefit you to determine what the person you are online with wants. But get this:. The woman he is fucking had a valid point. You don't describe your relationship as casual or even as just friends.

Yes, I'm hearing that too. A friend of mine recently had a platonic relationship with a guy whose relationship was on the rocks, I think he was basically having an emotional affair with her. I was a little concerned, but she's stepped away now and found someone who is actually available, which is much more healthy.

She's sussing out the lay of the land and your relationship does sounds very intimate; for her it may be a breaking point, that's up to them though isn't it. If you want your relationship to endure you may have to accept a more relaxed role in the background in future.

@Stepmomofdragons So, that woman is right. He is more emotionally attached to you. Her concerns aren't ridiculous at all.

4

I'll just throw this out there... for the most part, I'm with you on the non-competing thing, and feeling it should be a non-issue. Except... you've told him you have strong and deep feelings for him. It's valiant of you to acknowledge issues you two have with distance, and for you to encourage him to explore new partners. Many people have difficulty committing, and always have a foot out the door, or a nearby escape hatch close at hand. Usually, you can't commit or give yourself fully with an escape hatch. So, the advice for people in those cases is easy, get rid of the escape hatches. Except, in this case, YOU are the escape hatch. Sadly, your feelings for him can definitely cause problems for him in starting a relationship. I believe the best course is to follow "if you love something, set it free...". For your seemingly selfless stance on the topic to actually be selfless, you need to set him free. If he returns to you, all the better, and all the stronger it will be. But it's not selfless or innocent if you stay in contact...it's actually a hindrance. I know that may not be what you wanted to hear, but that's my stance on it.

@Stepmomofdragons this is not in a hateful tone... but that's deflecting blame. He's doing nothing to you that you don't allow him to. This being an agnostic/atheist gathering spot, practicing having "agency," a.k.a. responsibility for your actions and acknowledging your own part and your control in your life, and not blaming something or someone else is important. The only thing you do have control over is you.

@Stepmomofdragons That statement is opposite of what I gathered from your original post. It sounds like you're looking for pity because a guy from another country is somehow controlling your life, forcing you to continue talking to him. It's got nothing to do with him. This is about you. I'm sorry I posted. I'm out. Have fun.

3

You are right. She is insecure about something and it has nothing to do with you. Demanding to see your private communication with him is completely out of line She should solve her own issues before engaging in any further relationships.

3

You can't lose what you never had. Your buddy has a choice. You can wait for him to do that, or make your own move. Sometimes, you just gotta book. Good luck, hon.

3

Let's be clear first. Are your intentions to be intimate with this man or just friends? In my view that is the first question to fully clarify.

What is the meaning of emotionally intense?

2

If she loves him, she will love his friendships and not be jealous of them - she hates him

2

Sounds like you guys should fix your geography problems temporarily and see if that is all that is stopping you from being "more than online friends". I mean geography is a pretty thin reason to not find out at least, in this century

I mean she isn't wrong from your own description and without his input we will assume he is somewhat attracted to you.

2

He is your friend. Whether in person or via other means he is still your friend that you have invested time and energy with. About 17 years ago I talked about this with a Psychologist who said in fact - that the folks we interact with online are "real people" - when it's to that degree.

It's as real an any other relationship. Particulary when you realize that many of our IRL friends we see in person rarely - that most of our interaction is over the phone or online. She saw that today's world was coming.

I have a great friend that I've known since college and we can talk about virtually anything. He got a new girlfriend and she's jealous. He told me that when he told me about her.
I'll only hear from him on holidays I suppose for now. If they remain together and she becomes more secure I may get my friend back - or I may not.

It's a pain each and every time. And up until this one - he would have told them to go pound sand if they'd tried to step between us. So that was on him.

All I know it is - it's a pain when relationships change. Don't know what to advise you to do. Really he needs to work it out on his end.

2

I had a best friend at work . We had lunch together for years . When a man from work became interested in her , he told me to find another lunch partner , because he wanted to be alone (in the cafeteria ) , with her . I told him if he wanted to date her, he should ask her out on a date . It didn't last long . Later I began dating someone else , who worked in a different building . She was taking a class there , so they got together for lunch . Long story short , they eventually got married . Although it hurt at the time , I think I was the winner in the long run . Bide your time . Your feelings are strong for a man you've never met , and the chances of your meeting are small . Tell him , if his new love goes south , you'd love to get back in contact with him . Make some new friends . Won't be easy .

2

I don't think that it is for you to handle. It is his business. He is a good friend and friends should be valued. Relationships should not demand the exculsion of all other friends. More friends would be good too.

2

First, if he is the good friend you portray, ask him directly if his feelings for you are stronger than his feelings for her. If he says no, then go back to your female friend, and tell her that you value her friendship a great deal, but (1) she needs to get her head straight, and (2) you are not going to end your friendship with the guy simply to soothe her ungrounded fears.

2

If she is making those kinds of demands after just two weeks he has a really tough time ahead of him.

Big flashing danger sign.

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