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Why do women have to basically spell it out for men in what they want? Why are they so clueless?

Men don't get hints and can't read a woman's body language. Or understand a woman's tone of voice. They misread something and don't do what you want them to do. Why do you have to spell it out for them? Women pick up on hints, body language, and can read into what someone wants, even if they don't come right out and say it. That is why some people fail in relationships, because of the miscommunication. Women have to state the obvious, and sometimes they don't even understand that! My friend with benefits didn't remember I wanted b-day sex. I had planned on coming over, I talked about it. He didn't pick up my saying things of coming over. I told him a long time ago too. So I packed night meds, did my hair, put nice clothing on, got my coat out, etc... All for him to bring me some food at my place. I appreciate the food though. This is the 2nd birthday without b-day sex and it sucks. I had a bad day and I want to go to bed soon so I can have my day off tomorrow. 3rd b-day in a row that was bad. Good night.

Sarahroo29 8 Feb 14
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67 comments

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37

Why can't women just say it or make the first move then? I have misread signals in the past and I'm very cautious these days. Some girls are so confused that they will be giving out false signals. It's better to just ask directly and avoid ambiguity in communication. I simply don't know why humans, an animal with an organised speech, would rather pretend and be giving signals instead of asking directly. Why are we shy to talk about sensual things?

obis Level 6 Feb 14, 2018

Dude, that is really well put. I especially like your point about us having organized speech. We spend so much time and effort saying nothing, or not saying what we mean. What's the point? Get it out there. Be open. Are you afraid that if you're direct, they'll bail on you? So you go the indirect route so you can, what... FOOL them into a relationship or just fucking you? What are we doing to ourselves?!

Yep! And with all the hyper-vigilance of sexual harassment , I barely talk to women don't know really well.

This pretty much says it.

I was really hangry last night. I had no lunch and I was waiting on dinner until 7:30 pm. I get upset when I'm hungry. Due to being underfed in Vietnam as a baby. Sorry if I was too upset.

@Sarahroo29 I was making a general statement. I don't know the details of your story. You don't have to be sorry πŸ™‚. I too understand the difficulty in being expressive

It's not about shyness. It's about romance. It's about the sense of intimacy that one feels when loved one surprises you with the little details which show that he/she knows you more than you know yourselves, when ones dreams are made into reality. It's the intimacy of two minds. It's the ultimate proof that the other half knows because he/she cares enough to know without spelling it out. Of course, that is not to ne expected from a random fling, I'm talking a true intimate relationship.

@Donotbelieve All men thank you as we are completely clueless as to the wants and desires of the species called 'women'.

@MindfulSoul Yes, it needs breaking. It's hard to get a woman to say exactly what she wants - and I'm not talking about sex here.

@RobCampbell Don't worry about it. I'm a straight female and I don't understand women a lot of the time either. I'd rather just have clear communication, and guys seem to appreciate that at first, but after awhile, men seem to go for the ones that they can later complain about not understanding. I guess I'm just several clues short all the way around.

26

I don't like to give hints. Mind-reading should really not be in the contract.

17

Im a straight up kind of a girl, If I want/like/need something I will tell you, If I don't like something I will tell you, and I expect the same from the other person male or female. I do not do hints and head fucks. Be straight up with me and I will be straight up with you. I might pick up on your hints and body language but I can't be bothered with that, Tell me what you want tell me what you need.
If you want me tell me, If I want you I will tell you. BOOM easy.

Sacha Level 7 Feb 14, 2018

I did tell him a week ago.

So you say..

@Zori0114 Some people don't deserve a relationship, yes? You get it, Zori. πŸ˜‰

17

This should explain everything for you.

Thanks for the laugh, Jlynn37! πŸ™‚

I have never met a women with that many knobs, anywhere...around her person!

@Freedompath you also never met a woman who was a metal box.

That's a good analogy. It is my experience that women have multiple buttons to push and knobs to twiddle, each one has their own preference in the order that they want them pushed and twiddled. There is no such concept as "factory settings" each one is shipped with their own sweet spot on every dial. We just have to find it. Get it wrong and the relationship just doesn't work.

Perfect !!

Er, you do realise that we can see all the other pictures by clicking the right button?

Including the porn.

@El-loco I saw the meme but the story was hilarious.

11

I don't do stuff like that. If I want something done, I just come out and say it, I don't play games and expect someone to read my mind. I can't read others minds either. If someone wants something from me, just tell me. That to me is just silly little games children would play.

11

Men don't have a clue and smart men realize this. If men assume things about women and act on those assumptions without making sure they are right bad shit happens.

I did say it one week ago.

11

Depends on the guy. And plenty of women don't get men's clues either. Sometimes you click with other people and the communication is easier. If oblique hints don't work try more direct communication. Words are good.

10

That goes both ways. Instead sugar coating just tell men what you want. People shouldn't have to guess what people trying to say or want.

9

Men aren't mind readers as far as I know.

Exactly. I always say it will require a 2nd brain. I hate how often I had to say... "if you were expecting me to read your mind... you have to lower your expectations". We men are simple humans wired in series while women are wired in parallels.

9

People shouldn't have to guess. That breeds resentment.

I told him a week ago.

@Sarahroo29 - Hey Sarah, I've seen that you've written this reply a lot - "I told him a week ago."

For me, what was missing in your original post and what is now missing in your response that you "told him a week ago," is whether it was a MUTUALLY agreed upon commitment/date.

When you "told him" a week ago, did he agree that he wanted to also do that for your birthday?

Did you remind him of the date?

Did you discuss a time and place?

In other words, although you told him a week ago, did the TWO of you have a mutual agreement that y'all would do the nasty on your birthday? πŸ™‚

@BlueWave Lol. He read the message in messenger. I thought he would remember. We originally had planned on me coming over, then he said not overnight. So I thought just for 2 hrs and coming back to my place. I mentioned doing laundry and not being out late. It was just a miscommunication is all. I admit, I skimmed over a lot of these comments.

@Sarahroo29 Hmmmm......When he said "Not overnight" and you "thought just for 2 hours," did he CONFIRM that two hours was fine and what time you'd get together?

I'm wondering now if his saying "not overnight," was his way of hinting that he may not have been so much into the benefits part of your FWB arrangement -- either that night or altogether going forward.

What do you think about that possibility?

@BlueWave He's in the Air Force and works nights. It was just a miscommunication problem.

8

Send him this meme. It should make things perfectly clear. Lol

Lol.

I could definitely use a reliable one. Lol

8

Sometimes you need to spell it out AND get a confirmation or affirmative from the other person.
Maybe something has changed for them that they are no longer comfortable being a friend with benefits?
You might have to ask.

7

I have found that when women "read" men's minds, they are usually really wrong (though we may go along with it because we don't want the hassle). As for us reading a women's mind, we know we will most certainly be wrong! .... sometimes with horrific results. For Christ's sake, just assume we are stupid and tell us! I know it is unromantic, but not nearly as much as an argument over something we have no idea of.

6

So if you don't tell me what you want, and therefore I don't know, it is my fault. Good to know.

6

A lot of people here have made the point that maybe the person just doesnt8want what you want. That's entirely possible. I'd like to add the possibility that maybe your friend with benefits doesn't like being played. Some people don't like being manipulated. If i catch even the slightest whiff of someone trying to manipulate me into doing something they want (which is EXTREMELY passive aggressive on their part) I will dig in my heels and go mule-stubborn and start spraying Go-fuck-yourself like a hlitter-bomb made of hate. That shit will get EVERYWHERE. The thing is, what they want me to do might be something I would happily do if asked, but the fact that they tried to manipulate me with hints and signs and not so subtle prodding will put me off it immediately.

The thing is, having someone in your life who can read you is great... they're observant and attentive to you, but that's a gift. If you want something, say something. Maybe you get it, maybe you don't, but eithervway you can have some pride in the fact that you tried, rather than manipulated and just hoped you got what you wanted. Just my tuppence.

I told him a week ago.

6

I guess I'm not sure what you are getting at. Is this about men who don't have a clue or something? Maybe you could be more specific. A picture might help. Just what are you really trying to say?

6

I sympathize. I recognize that I am clueless and can;t read hints. Couple that with the itchiness of rejection and ...well... I sympathize

I was really hangry last night. I had no lunch and I was waiting on dinner until 7:30 pm. I get upset when I'm hungry. Due to being underfed in Vietnam as a baby. Sorry if I was too upset.

@Sarahroo29 Too upset? How can one be too upset? If you can not share among friends then what is the worth of any of us?

6

Honey, by the time you get to my age you will have been disappointed so much you won't even notice it.

6

Why not just be an adult and say what you want instead of being childish and wait until a man guesses what you want?

Even adults maintain a fear of rejection...

@Freedompath The Way I See It, one Has Everything To gain and Nothing To lose. Plus it's better to try than spend the rest of your life wondering.

I told him a week ago.

6

Maybe it's in our jeans!

To be honest, I don't think there is much else.

@jlynn37 Burn

@jlynn37 ...that was a 'hit'...below the belt!

Spot on Jack, and mines staying in my jeans.

5

At first I thought I was on your side then I read on and got confused.
a). Friends with benefits is a no strings arrangement.
b). " I told him a long time ago" both told and a longtime ago are worrying. Did you remind him?
c). He came round to your place, why didn't you initiate something then and there?

I might expect understanding of hints and body language during the act, who wants to give step by step instructions (exceptions made for the young who don't know any better, I'm a good teacher) but depends what you call a hint when it comes to getting to that point. My hints tend to be as subtle as a ten pound sledgehammer, things like "I'd love to have a look at your etchings.", "Do you fancy a horizontal tango?', "Would you like to play naked twister?", "I'd like to get to know you in the biblical sense."(OK, I'm an atheist but I still know what that means) or "What about making the beast with two backs?". Now if someone doesn't get my drift then I just write them off as not interested or thick, but by the sound of if you are expecting telepathy and that level of understanding is rare indeed.

Kimba Level 7 Feb 15, 2018

I was really hangry last night. I had no lunch and I was waiting on dinner until 7:30 pm. I get upset when I'm hungry. Due to being underfed in Vietnam as a baby. Sorry if I was too upset

You aren't allowed sex at my place. It's an assisted living center for mentally ill people. I could get kicked out.

4

All generalizations are false, including this one.

4

It's that brain thing...the man wants to protect and the women wants to be protected. Something carried over from 'cave man' days! The rub comes, adapting to this civilized society! We are cultured now, but still have some 'cave people', still in our DNA. It does appear that we have not evolved to mindreading yet! So if you need something other than protection, you are going to have to spell it out!

4

I just think no one is a mind reader. When I am interested in a women, I tell them directly, leaving no room for discrepancies, and I tell them once. I come off really strong but I don’t want to waste everyone’s time and energy, and I refuse to harass and nag, it’s desperate and wasteful. The more hoops I need to jump through, the less interested I am. I only make enough effort to meet halfway, if I’m not met, I can safely assume the other is uninterested.

You know you have to be young, just to keep up with that heavy duty mating game! Don't you long for the time...when men raised their club...to show their intent and threw the young maiden over their shoulder and traveled across the Barian Straits?.it was so simple then...

@Freedompath I’m lucky enough to have a developed language, so I’m going to use it. Any smart woman would realize that my direct approach is a good thing, the dumb ones can be weeded out slightly. I don’t raise my club until far later.

@Funandfondles well...maybe? Don't get stuck, in one mind set, though, lol !

@Freedompath that’s probably good advice, but I just mean that I literally say β€œI’m interested in you, do you want to get to know each other, would you be interested in me too?” I’ll keep in mind things don’t always have to start like that, but that’s my ice breaker much of the time.

@Funandfondles I would really appreciate that approach myself...lays it right out on the table!

4

Nothing like making your intentions clear#! Who wants to guess? Is it that difficult for you to verbalize your wants? Why make it difficult? Not ALL men need direction and are clueless as you put it, some have partners who ARENT CLEAR and like drama. I guarantee you that if you make your intentions clear without any gray areas you would be amazed how your relationships would prosper.

I told him a week ago.

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