So many times a person is looking for comfort and Christians say "I'll pray for you." I've said "I hope it works out," or "I wish you the best..." but I don't see a non-religious equivalent.
Once, I was in my office, when a co-worker walked in and shut the door. He told me that his 1 1/2 year old grandson was diagnosed with leukemia.
Nearly in tears, he talked about the struggles the parents had. That he didn't know if the child would live. How the child was suffering and in pain-- and only a baby. I couldn't pretend to know what he was going through, though I felt truly sad hearing his story.
No words really seemed to fit. I did tell him that I had a cousin diagnosed with it as a child-- who survived, is an adult, and is doing well.
He stared at me-- waiting for the "I'll pray for you." I know, because he eventually said "Thanks for listening. I know you'll pray for me."
It wasn't the time to make a retort on that front, so I just nodded and let him go.
But, I've always wondered what is a good replacement phrase for the non-theist?
I'm so not good with that mushy stuff.
Thoughts and condolences. You're in my thoughts. I'd never say "prayers". I'd be betraying myself. I detest hypocracy.
I'm not a mushy person either. I tell people, good luck or best wishes. You can also express a hope for ...
I knew a girl in college who was really just a friend of a friend, but we ended up hanging out a lot. Her sister got murdered. She said straight up said to everyone "if you don't know what to say, don't say anything." It sounds cold but it was an acknowledgement she could recognize empathy without wanting to hear empty platitudes.
I like it, and i can understand why she said that
"I'll pray for you" strikes me as just plain silly, as though some omniscient god would need some human to call his/her attention to a situation. Anyway, I'm with you on this.
"I'll hope for the best" can seem a little dismissive, like you're done hearing about the issue. Try to keep yourself connected, as in, "Hey, it's way too early for us to lose hope. We have to stay positive, here."
Near the conversation's end, add something like "Please, keep me updated" and - not said back-to-back - "I'll check on you (or check in with you) very soon (or in a little while)." And, of course, be sure that you do follow up. As all we really have is each other, expressions of interest and concern are the best we can offer.
I usually just express my honest thoughts... Most often something like "My heart goes out to you", "You'll be in my thoughts", if it's something I can't "DO" anything about. I usually go with expressing sympathy with the person and asking "What can I do to help?".
Usually, in situations of grief, illness, etc, just being there emotionally is what the person needs.
If they are sincere "thanks" acknowledges their concern. If they are being snide I prefer, "fuck you, too."
To say "Thanks" would be the same as accepting god exists.
Mumble mumble... cough... uhhhh.... Good Luck!
I don't think its always words that are helpful light touch on the shoulder to reassure that you are still there and listening - and a suggestion that you are capable of staying for a while - Its helpful of they cry because then you know where you are - also I think the last line the guy said to you was him giving himself the comfort he needed and we can probably be big enough to allow him that - It seems to me that we people have our no-go areas, as if it will pollute our being if we don't hold the line - But he said it for himself,he didnt need you to say it, so you don't have to be good with the mushy stuff just hang on in there whilst its going down.
Considering it's based in logic, telling someone they will be in your thoughts and to wish them well from the depths of your heart seems as good an equivalent as anything else. Offering support is also not out of the realm of possibility. Also just being there to listen does a lot more than people realize. To the listener it can feel utterly hopeless and useless but as someone who has been on both sides of that, I can honestly say that alone really does help.
No perfect response to hand to someone experiencing tragedy and illness, but there are several that can carry much more meaning and keeping with the reality of human experience than the inane: "I'll pray for you" bullshit. As secularists, we know that humans help humans only by putting boots on the ground. We know exactly that "I'll pray for you" is faith-speak for: "I am really sorry you are going through this. I am too busy to do anything for you, but saying this makes me appear to be the charitable and sacrificial Christian that I want you to think I am. It's easy man. Easy."
Being a physician in the Bible Belt, I am certainly experienced with similar encounters from patients and from theist friends from my previous church. I respond with something similar to:
" I empathize with you. I know this is difficult. Experiences like this can cause one to question his/hers deepest held beliefs. Who is the oncologist you are consulting with?
Does your family need a meal supplied? Let me know if I can do something for you, and if I can't, I will help you find assistance."
When I am told: "You can pray for me", I often respond, "I am not a praying person. I had rather tell you that I stand in solidarity with you as a fellow human, knowing we face physical infirmities and hardships in life. Is there something that can be done for you that can help you feel better today? If I can not do it, I will see if there is another source."