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What can I say to my daughter?

My 18 year old daughter says she is "200% sure" she wants to go to ORU. It's a charismatic evangelical 'for profit' university founded by Oral Roberts. It costs over $41,000 per year.
When I asked her why she chose that school, she said that God called her to it. 😕
Even if she were to get a full scholarship (she's gotten a $6K drop in the bucket already) I really don't think this school will be a good choice. She wants to study early childhood development, which I think is great, but there are plenty of more affordable schools for that.
I feel that she's using the God thing to avoid applying logic to her decision. She knows I'm a non-believer and we have agreed to disagree on the subject.
I value my relationship with her above all else.
How can I convince her that this is a bad decision without insulting her beliefs?

Papa1965 5 Apr 13
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36 comments

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1

I really don't have an answer for this...just that she is an adult and she will do what she wants no matter what you say....is she trying to antagonize you with going to a school with beliefs that you don't agree with? Maybe, but she will find her own way...will it be the right way? Not sure....but that is how we learn in life...by making mistakes.

1

Sorry to break it to you but you've lost your daughter already. She doesn't respect reality, doesn't respect reason and she doesn't respect you. You're only delaying the inevitable.

I have a similar situation. My daughter isn't a believer, but my ex took her to shrinks and she's now fully brainwashed to hate me. Even if she sought to make up, the times we should have spent together are gone forever, and the frustration has burned whatever bridge might have been left. I've moved on with my life. I have no choice except to disown and forget her. I could say that she'll always be my daughter, but so what?

She inherited her mother's emotional illnesses and her pains gives her something to talk about.

0

Are you paying the tuition? If yes, you have a leg to stand on. If no, give it up. It is her decision, her money , her future.

1

She is passively being aggressive towards you. Let her go where she wishes but without your support or money. She is an adult so let her live her life with all of its consequences.

1

Try to ask her.... were all the Money of those Students goes. Is it Returned back to the Needy and Poor?

0

I don't think you can convince her. All you can do is make it clear that any debt is on her. Don't provide money or co-sign on loans. You can also get information on the average amount of debt graduates usually have. Finally, I would get job and graduate school placement rates for the school. I'll bet they're pretty dismal. In academia, this isn't even considered a 'real' institution of higher education (based on the curriculum and the educational rigor of the institution -- which may or may not be based on their religious foundation (I had to say that last even though it's more like a religious high school),

1

discuss student loans, the job placement prospects, and the national ranking of the school in that subject - ie probable value to cost ratios. pure economics.
Suggest she keep and open mind until you visit two or thee other viable options. For my daughter we visited five before we found the one where she felt it was a good fit to attend. My son visted all those and one of his choosing before deciding to stay here and go to a state university.
Also point out part of the college experience is the opportunity to be exposed to a great variety of people and beliefs. doesn't always happen but in theory...

2

All you can do is love them and let them live their lives. I know it sounds simple. But what else can you do?

It does sound simple. The truth often does. 😉

1

If it isn't a full scholarship, I might just talk about economic practicality. ECD is awesome, but it isn't going to bring in lots and lots of extra cash as far as I know. Also, does she know about all their rules? Dress code, you need to submit an excuse within 48 hours if you miss church, no water balloons, no social dancing...Look over the handbook with her. [handbook.oru.edu]

1

tell her to come to canada. she can get a better education for less that 10,000/yr.
and with the exchange rate you get a 30% discount.

1

No one truly chooses a college based on god calling them. There's another reason that the excuse is masking.

3

Why is it important to you she sees this as a bad decision? You've already "agreed to disagree" about religion. If you're going to abide by that (and this post illustrates you're not), the only ethical approach is to ask "Is this the best school to get that education?"

Maybe do some research on top schools in her area of interest - all the better if they're less expensive - and don't leave out other Christian colleges. This will demonstrate you have her best interest at heart, even if you don't agree with her final choice. Take the moral high road, Mom, and set an example for your daughter to follow. You might just change her mind - in time - about the importance of Christianity.

My $.02.

0

Have you discussed where the rest of the tuition will come from?

Grants and student loans. Still a helluva lot of money.

@Papa1965 you might point out that she can get a far better education for far less money elsewhere. It's not a matter of religious beliefs but of education. She can still believe whatever she wishes but for her own sake you do not wish for her to be saddled with more debt than she can handle. You might also point out that if she genuinely believes in the Christian faith, she should do a little research into debt and how Jesus and the original Christians felt about usury. It might be something she needs to learn for herself.

@confidentrealm Good point!

1

What did you budget?

Does it even have a recognized accreditation that can be transferred?

That is a ton of money for a place that isn't going to teach science.

1

If I were her father, I would tell her that I want her to go to a non-sectarian liberal arts school because I feel that she would be better served by being exposed to a wide range of information and ideas.What religion, if any, she chooses is up to her, but I do not want her to mix education and religion. Also I would tell her that I will not support any or her costs at ORU, but will help all that I can in a liberal arts college choice.

1

first ask her if she intends only to help christian children. remind her that many nonchristian children need help, not of a spiritual nature (it would be rude to try to convert them) but of a psychological nature.

then remind her that oral roberts university is not exactly the most highly rated institute of higher learning to offer such a program. here is a link to a list of the most highly rated such, and yes, there are religious entities there, including yeshiva university and brigham young. [niche.com]

g

2

I’d send her to a school that could teach her math...

4

I just remembered a friend of mine graduated from Texas Tech( much better school) with an early education degree. Had to pay for it herself. An underserved Houston school district offered to pay off the whole loan if she worked there for five years.
That’s exactly what she did.

That would be swell. Hopefully she can be swayed to go to a sensible school. Her Grandma lives about halfway between Tech and UNT. I would be thrilled if she chose either.

3

God called her to go there and you tell her to ask god to pay the costs if he wants her there 😛

Okay, this.

Over 200K for a useless piece of paper....No.

3

Who’s going to pay for this?

She's talking grants and student loans. What a big debt though.

God, of course!

3

Tell her to pay for it. That should work lol

1

Who is paying for it? Perhaps talk to her about how long it will take for her to pay back her student loans on the pay that she will be able to get with an early childhood development degree.

2

Its simple economics. I made it clear when my kids hit their sophomore/junior years in high school that if they wanted to go to college, we could make that happen (I was/am a single parent). We discussed choice of career, schools, school reputation & weight it holds on resumes in some career paths, the value of education vs the cost per semester, etc (they grew up knowing budgets).

(This was way early 2ks) They researched & found that the 1st 2 years of college was the same everywhere, the basics. & years 3 & 4 were more career oriented & community college would give them the exact same education, while saving money to transfer to a 4 yr institution once their associates degrees were complete.

There is 0 point in the 1st 2 yrs at ORU from an education standpoint. It's a waste of money. Encourage her to go to community college, get her associates & earn her way to $40k per year. Chances are, after grinding a full load for 2 years st community college, she may change her mind.

PS & that way God can.provide the $$ for her to go IF that's his will.

0

Liberty University might be cheaper

3

Tell her I'll get her a place on the children's nursing course at my university

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