My preference is to disclose from the outset. Whether that's right for other people is another matter. I declare myself as male (which is anatomically correct, and likely to stay that way) on all dating profiles. I know others, even though they're part time, who go on dating sites as women and don't mention that they're trans at all. Mine isn't the most successful dating strategy: date gay guys and most run a mile when they get a whiff of the dresses. Try to date bi/trans-attracted guys, and it's exactly the same as the old "fat girls are like mopeds" saying ("great fun to ride - just don't let your mates see you." ) Suddenly a 'date', is a trip to McDonalds. Drive-thru window. After dark.

For those with passing privilege, stealth must be very tempting. That's where you deny your gender history and basically stop telling anyone you're trans. People who do it often have to cut all family ties, since as long as you have links to your past life, there's the possibility of being outed. This also means that if you confide in a partner, at any point, and that relationship turns sour, they're in a position to out you and have you start all over again. And this leads to situations (and I've seen examples) where a stealth post-op trans woman ends up married to a man, who's pushing her towards fertility treatment because they've had no luck starting a family. Something which he is very keen to do.

So where's the middle ground? In all honesty, as long as men still have hang-ups about dating trans women (and whether or not it makes them gay) I reckon it's sometime before the first kiss, and certainly some time before sex happens for the first time. Otherwise you fall into 'trap' territory: the accusation that (passable) trans women like to 'trick' straight men into bed. And yes, I've encountered one or two who like to do exactly that, and think it's funny. Most things that are possible are provable by example. But at the same time, if you're living in stealth, there is no right time to tell a partner unless you're willing to risk exposure.

It kinda sounds to me like you're overly concerned about this -- maybe because the transgender community is finally able to come out of the closet?

In any case, as a straight woman (if that matters) who has gay friends and family members (if that matters), I do think it's honorable to identify your sexual orientation before things get...tricky.

i am 'just' a 100% straight woman, pondering why this forum, as an open-minded enclave within a repressed society, should have taboos surrounding sexuality at all. we can relax here as far as i am concerned. why would i hide the fact that as a young woman i used to earn my first big journey as a sex worker? i wouldn't want to get cosy with anyone who can't handle the truth.

For me, I always state upfront and publicly that I'm transgender.That being said, transpeople are under no obligation to state their previous gender assignment at birth. On my I.D it shows, a big F for my gender marker...when I finish my transition, I will no longer self Identify as transgender..it will be as the person I am..a bisexual Woman.

I'd say I wouldnt apologize and feel guilty for asking questions like this. I think its perfectly normal, and while we should always be mindful of hurting other peoples feelings I think we shouldn't apologize for just trying to figure things out.

I would say its up to the person posting the ad to reveal any important self details. That's not just limited to trans folks. I mean all dating sites ask if you're male/female and if you're interested in men or women. I think its all about adding transparency. While I wouldn't include hiding this information as deceitful, I would say its not transparent, which is something I think we need to be in dating.

So yeah the upshot is, don't feel so afraid of backlack to ask things that are on your mind so long as its worded with other peoples interests in mind. And I think it's helpful for people to identify their own gender and preferences just because..some people prefer certain other people and hiding anything isn't going to make things better. I wouldn't say failing to do so is a moral failing, or anything, but its important to weed people out who wouldn't be interested in you up front, to avoid drama later

I don't think you're an asshole. It's a valid question. And how are we to know things if we don't ask? Even from my own gay perspective I have had similar queries of my trans friends. I look forward to reading the responses you get from this post.

I appreciate when Trans people identify as such in their profiles. That tells me we can talk openly and honestly.

I identify as straight because I prefer women, however I am not closed to having an intimate (honest, open talking and sharing) relationship with someone just because they don't have a vagina.

I've made some amazing friends who are various gender identities. Sometimes those relationships venture into the physical, which I love because when two people are very close and care for each other very deeply, they naturally enjoy making one another happy. I have, or have had, physical relationships with some wonderful people of both "traditional" genders, as well as other gender identities. What matters to me is what's in their heart.

If someone is looking for a casual hook up, it may be something to state early on to keep themselves safe from a potentially dangerous situation, but when the focus is on building an actual relationship with someone, the person within is what matters, not the sex they were born as, only the gender they now identify with.

I don't find it deceitful, no. If I were talking to an individual who uses she/her pronouns, she's female or possibly gender fluid to me, regardless of whether she's cis or undergoing a transition or even if she's opted out of transitioning entirely. It's up to them to trust enough to share that if they feel it's relevant and it's not dishonest to get to know someone before divulging such a personal bit of information.

It should never be a proiblem being honest as that is the bases of a relashionship.

Are you an asshole? No, I don't think so. As long as you can be mature and not cause a scene or embarrass yourself or anyone else.
Speaking for myself (the only qualification I have):
1.I believe that if I were looking on a traditionaly straight site it is proper that she would tell me soon after the first date if we hit it off. If she's honest maybe we can give it a shot. The burden's on her.
2.If the site is other than the traditional straight site then I would go in assuming a trans woman if her profile I.d.'s her as female and she's looking for a male. The burden's on me.
If it was situation 1 and she didn't tell me it will be a major no-no as I will feel she is being decietful and thus can not be trusted.
If sit. 2 and she didn't tell, well, I wasn't looking on a straight website to begin with was I?
If you think I am wrong please respond but don't attack.

It's only fair to be open and honest about who you are at the onset. If you start out lying to me then how can I trust you.

You're not an asshat for asking a simple question. I don't think it's required or that anyone is "hiding" anything. It's personalized. One of the things I love about this site. One can disclose or chose not to disclose. I personally would not be offended should someone ask my gender identity. If someone wants to know, ask. It's called conversing. Easy peasy

I believe that if we all start off by treating everyone with the same dignity, care and honesty as human beings, that questions about our beliefs, gender, sexual orientation, etc become the natural discourse in conversation when we meet someone. It is up to an individual if they feel comfortable to reveal all of the personal information when they are ready. All of that becomes a part of the coversation when we trust a friend or companion.

You are not an asshole for asking an honest question . The way society is at the moment made you add all the other bits in case of any recrimination that is the annoying part .

Easy question to answer, the answer is Yes it is important. The explanation to why I say yes is, its just as important to me to let everyone else know Im a guy looking for a woman for a relationship. The last thing I would like to hear is the door bell ring and its Bob waiting ti go out to dinner (not going to happen). I can logically assume there would be straight, bi and trans that would like to meet a trans person, I personally think the sexuality spectrum has almost no bounds in relation to who is who and who likes who, the combinations would be hard to fathom. I would be putting my hand up if I was trans and letting everyone know it, especially using this dating app, its illogical and unreasonable to assume there would be any haters here.

Hope this helps

I can understand your confusion. I have interacted with more transgender people over the past 20 years than I would have expected. My first confusion was how to treat them, I found it hard if I knew them as one gender, then they changed. It was explained that you treat someone as they present themselves, so, ok, that was easy. Re dating sites, I prefer that someone puts if they are transgender.

I don't think you're an asshole for wondering. I doubt I'd be offended if I were asked. It's a reasonable question, and anyone who might be interested in me would have a right to know that. I also think if I were transgendered, it would be incumbent on me to disclose that information to someone I had a romantic/sexual interest in, very early on. If I'm just going to be friends with someone, it doesn't matter to me. If they want to tell me, fine. If they don't want to tell me, that's okay, too. It's likely I'd figure it out and ask them though. That's just my two cents.

I agree with you but then I am straight and not looking for a partner. I think any falsifying of personal information in a public sphere for self-gain is pitiful falsehood and sort of entrapment.
The transgender community need to deal with this one I should imagine.

I think it is a very valid question, but I also think that engaging in some real honest conversations all would, I hope, reveal it self? It will be interesting to see other comments on this.

Getting to know a person as a person and THEN deciding whether there is an attration is the simplest way for me. It also takes an open mind. If a person is offended about a simple question, are they worth dating?

Many people have concerns about their cultural image, but LBGT have people who fear and hate them. They have difficulties and concerns most of us cannot imagine. A transgender person does not undergo the operation to have more fun, they do it because they feel wrong about their body, and want to get right with their psyche. Unfortunately for them, a trangender (man to woman) still has the body of a man, with wide sholders, an adams apple, muscular, and generally taller. Similarly, a transgender (woman to man) has differences from non-trans men. It is difficult for them to hide; it seems unlikely a person would meet and date a transgener without knowing, whether or not they say anything about it. If they can pass undetected, how would their being trans matter? Of course, one cannot know on a site such as this one, who is transgender unless they say, and I think they should be allowed to be discrete. How is it going to hurt anyone?

I do not think it is being unreasonable to accept transgender people to honest about it on dating profiles. Even if it is not something mentioned on their profile, you would hope (as I am sure that most, if not all are) they would be upfront about it, when it came to actually going on dates. Also, no one should ever feel like an bad person just for asking an open question without bias

I wear my trans status loud and proud. I wouldn't want to waste time with someone who had no interest in getting to know me because of my gender.

Whatever Ones sexual orientation may be should be divulged...Honesty is always the best policy.

No you are not that batscradle ! In establishing a new relationship, it is vital to put all your cards on the table, and be honest about yourself. It will stop any conflict that could arise at a later date.