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Man tries to guilt me into meeting him 2,000 miles away.

Today a man on Agnostic.com accused me of being abelist because he's in a wheelchair (discrimination against people with disabilities, especially physical disabilities.)

He peppered me with messages. He urged me to go to Colorado to meet him.

"Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples," I replied. "That's why I want a fit man who also loves hiking." That set him off.

He lives 2,000 miles away in Colorado. I'm not going to drive 2,000 miles to meet a man for coffee! Then it's 2,000 miles back home.

"I'm sorry, but we live too far apart to develop a relationship," I wrote. "Give it a rest."

Why not accept a woman's "No, thanks" with grace and kindness instead?

LiterateHiker 9 July 21
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43 comments (26 - 43)

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2

ask him to drive to your place instead

@Mofo1953

Since he's in a wheelchair, I assume he doesn't drive. He kept urging me to come to Fort Collins, Colorado to meet him.

"We have great coffee in Fort Collins," he wrote.

@LiterateHiker has he mentioned what is his disability? I have many wheel chair bound disabled friends that can either drive a special vehicle or can travel by trains, planes and automobiles, besides, from what I remember of Washington state, the coffee houses there can't be beat, so if he is so adamant in meeting you, he has that only option.

@Mofo1953

His photos:

  1. Tomatoes
  2. Train tracks
  3. Blurry, black and white pic of him in a wheelchair.

His profile does not mention a disability.

@LiterateHiker there you go, tell him to use Amtrak! Just kidding, more reason not to go..

2

It probably won't be the last. When I was single, I talked to a lot of single women(imagine that), and without fail they all had their horror stories about men who thought women owed them something. For some reason a lot of men think a woman owes him a date, just because he finds her attractive.

2

So I suppose there's not much chance of you driving across the Atlantic to Spain, then, is there?
Shame really, I would have enjoyed our coffee date before pointing you in the direction of the real, original, Sierra Nevada. (Or even the 2,700 feet high Sierra Cabrera, quarter of mile behind my seaside home.)
Still not tempted to drive here? Damn!!!
😂🤣🤣😂

Petter Level 9 July 21, 2019

@Petter

Hilarious! Love your funny reply.

Ha! While amusing, this shows the somewhat typical aspect of a man assuming the woman would come to where he is. Hey, if a guy wants to travel hundreds of miles to meet me for a glass of water and then, he goes home, I'll go for it.

@Gwendolyn2018 I'm not fit and active enough to swim across the Atlantic after my car sinks, so I guess my only hope woild be if @LiterateHiker swam here. However, I would drive to the beach to meet her!!

@Petter You are a true gentleman.

2

Eff that sh_t.

An asshole that shits in a a plastic gut sac is still an asshole.

Wheelies don't get excuse points in my world.

@BufftonBeotch

Love your sense of humor!

2

I really do not know why men do that. Obviously, not all men. And you are very clear about your desire for a fit man who enjoys hiking. Sigh....

2

Yup no guilt trips the only problem is you are very attractive so you are bound to attract guys who can be persistent

bobwjr Level 10 July 21, 2019
1

That's unreasonably entitled and an excessive accommodation request -- even though the distance from Seattle to Denver is actually "just" 1,305 miles.

As to why not be gracious and kind? Can't do it if you're an asshat.

If he's thinking at all coherently he might be trying to select for a sugar momma. Anyone who would actually come from that distance would fly themselves and almost certainly have more money than sense!

1

37 hour drive for coffee? That better be some damn good coffee. Gourmet at least. You know, that stuff made from bat pooh.
You spend the better part of 2 days to get to me, you're getting steak at least. And I'll do whatever it takes to make you regret leaving. In a good way.

1

I used to respond to everyone who messaged me because this feels like a small community, so it feels rude to ignore someone. But then you get into these uncomfortable situations... so now I simply don’t respond. Rude? Maybe. But I believe less rude than having to explain why you’re not interested.

1

Yes "NO" is a complete sentence,,no explanation is required ,just accept it and change the subject

1

I wouldn't mind driving 2500 miles to do hike with you. Lots of good trails and nice scenery out there. Can I bring my dog?

1

Yeah! You could go out with me. But I like Cats and hate hiking. In fact, I hate moving at all. I would rather sit until I become part of my chair. I could just stick wheels on my butt!

1

Whew! That would have been a deep trap for you. Wheel chair or standing, he's a loser!!! Glad you stood your ground!

1

Simple , because not everyone has the ability to behave with grace, or empathy, or common sense.

Somewhere in his mind, he must know that being in a wheelchair may be limiting when it comes to compatibilities with those he might want to date. And often, for all of us that are looking , distance is a very real obstacle.
That's the hard reality.

1

Which route?

1

Think of it as 3000+ kilometers, haha. Silly.

0

Ok agreed - it’s too far, and if you’re not interested that is absolutely your right and it requires no further explanation.
But maybe you didn’t have to say the bit about “shared recreational activities are a bonding experience” (which probably makes him feel excluded from what you deem to be an important experience) and that you want a “fit” and active partner. He can’t do anything about his disability and it’s kind of mean to point to it as a reason not to pursue a relationship. It’s especially unnecessary when you have another good reason (distance) to decline.

@A2Jennifer

In my profile, I wrote:

"I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking, and only shoots with a camera.

"Although I'm a great cook, I'm not willing to do all of the meal planning, preparation and cooking. Everyone loves the magic words: 'Dinner is served.'"

This was not aimed at him personally. He had fair warning.

@LiterateHiker it’s fine to have your preferences, and he should’ve noticed that in your profile. But in your OP you say that you replied to a message by reiterating that. I’m just saying, “No thanks” is all you have to say, and that pointing out that he doesn’t meet your standards (though you are entitled to them) is probably unnecessary and hurtful.

I’m also going to point out briefly that many physically disabled people are also fit and athletic. The Paralympics? Obviously, I don’t know if he was or not, just saying.

@A2Jennifer

You don't know the entire messages he sent and how I replied. Don't judge me with incomplete information. I was careful to be kind. I did not write "No, thanks" to him.

Read my post. My last message to him was:

"I'm sorry, but we live too far apart to develop a relationship," I wrote. Give it a rest."

My final question was to members:

Why not accept a woman's "No, thanks" with grace and kindness instead?

@LiterateHiker no I don’t know your whole conversation I only know what you shared. “No” should be enough. “No” and ceasing to respond certainly ends the conversation. But what YOU say that you said, was not kind.

@A2Jennifer

Read the replies. You are the only person who called me unkind.

@LiterateHiker seems like the guy you said it to found it unkind too.
Look I absolutely get your perspective here. You should not have to say anything more than “no thanks.” And the fact of the distance is also a really good reason. And also you don’t have to give ANY reason or explain to his satisfaction why you are not interested.
But HIS point of view seems to be that it’s hurtful to point out that you aren’t interested because he can’t hike with you, and to imply that he is incapable of taking part in “an important part of couples bonding.” It did not need to be said - both because you don’t have to explain and because it, predictably, hurt his feelings.

@A2Jennifer

Of course my rejection hurt his feelings. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

As @Mitch07102 wisely said:

"Being in a wheelchair is not a license to be a creep."

@LiterateHiker I think treating him differently than you would anyone that did not fit your profile description of what you seek is actually worse...coddling to anyone for the wrong reasons is dishonest...you were honest. The distance alone is unreasonable, even if he paid for it...even a few hours is a tough one to develop any meaningful relationship if you are not committed already.

@thinktwice I think telling someone you don’t know that they are incapable of bonding with another human being because of something they can’t control makes you a jerk, even if you do it to everyone.

@A2Jennifer I did not read it that way...but I also know @literatehiker...I think she put that trait on herself...she can't bond with someone who doesn't or can't share in her hiking experiences...I don't see that as any different in saying that I can't relate to someone who wants children because I don't like them...I am not saying that the other person is incapable of having/liking children...I am putting that on myself...She is not a jerk...

@thinktwice “Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples...That's why I want a fit man who also loves hiking."
Yes the words “I” or “for me” change the whole meaning of a sentence. They are absence here.

@A2Jennifer Not being privy to all sides of the conversation, I will support the person I know.

@thinktwice based on that persons description of their conversation, their words were mean

@A2Jennifer whatever...done with this conversation

@thinktwice see I didn’t expect so much resistance. I kind of figured that a person with any empathy at all might hear a different point of view and think “wow, MAYBE I did inadvertently say something unnecessarily hurtful.” But, you know, I guess Self-reflection isn’t for everyone.

@A2Jennifer you get what you give...

0

I make no secret of my unwillingness to date LD as well as the reasons why not. I guess I should be grateful that I am undateable or unattractive enough that nobody LD has ever tried to push me into meeting them LD, lol....

@TomMCGiverin

What does "LD" stand for?

Learning disability
Labor and delivery
Long distance
Liberal Democrat
Lyme disease

@LiterateHiker Long distance. I assume you were being snarky. BTW, what did you think of my PM about your pics?

@TomMcGiverin

I did not get a private message from you about photos.Try again.

I figured you meant long distance after looking it up.

Snarky? No. Instead I felt amused.

@LiterateHiker I just tried again. Check your PMs.

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