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QUESTION Sexless marriage

I found this article pretty accurate as to how my marriage was. The comments are hilarious....all the men getting defensive, lol. Let me know if the link doesn’t work.

Marcie1974 8 Mar 16

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5

It is not untrue, probably not the whole story either.
My ex and I shared a house for a few years after we split, we stopped having sex a year or mroe before the split. I say we didn't have sex, reality was about once a year after the split until I moved out. Sex was never good but you know ..... She was not chasing sex, but it would have happened more if I had have been interested. I did not like her, so wasn't interested.

10 years later I met an absolutely stunning looking lady, my best ever bedroom partner. And she told me her 1st husband was totally uninterested, she would stand naked in front of the television to get his attention, and he would tell her to get out of the way. They were in their late 20s at the time. He and I became friends at some point, and her story was true.

Nothing is simple though, my argument (in jest) is not that men lose the ability, just that their partners become less desirable with age. The best sex happens in the mind, the body just tags along for the ride.

3

One of my best friends is in a sexless marriage. It's rough road to hoe.

3

My last sexcapade was about 2 months ago. One little thing happened and I started to think! That was my down fall. When your a woman not interested you can fake it when your a guy, you can fake an orgasm, but you can’t fake lamp dick! One of the most embarrassing moments in my life!

Did she find out you faked? That can cause all sorts of anger. The answer to the other problem lies in meditation. But remember, the problem is not the first time you can't manage a second, but the second time you can't manage a first.

nope! Threw the condom away right after!

2

I just couldnt but heres a laugh for you.

That was great! Thanks for sharing

Thanks Marcie. I worked this guys show several years back, he was one of the most entertaining acts. When he finished he turned, set down his guitar and stepped right of the stage, walking through the audience to the merchandise table out front and the crowd followed him like the pied piper.

@Tony80223 I like his accent! Cajun?

Yeah, quite Cajun! It’s funny he was a golden gloves boxer for a while. I always think of Jason Stathem when I see him, you know from The Transporter, and a bunch of other kick ass sort of roles. I hope you had a good holiday Marcie.

2

Ok, I have read it now and there is so much truth here. My experience was with mismatched libidos in a marriage but a deep love such that we were able to work together and enjoy each other most of the time. I would've liked a bit higher frequency, she was getting a bit more than she needed (that is my read of it, based on many conversations and observation of, us).

Since losing my wife, I have had three full on attempts at a relationship with gals whose libidos rivaled mine. I was unable to keep up. Now, there are a LOT of factors here and I am not sure I am able to figure out what truly was the key issue: Grief, health, age and possibly desire.

My life has been one in which I've always felt that I had too strong a libido and have never been very happy in that I feel I am being too pushy with my partners, wanting sex more than they. However, in all of my previous relationships (not that I've had a great many, for the record, I think I am well within average statistics at about 10 relationships in 45 years of being 'on the market'... certainly not a LOT of excapades but I bet I am, at worst, low average) that spark, that desire, was keen for me. With these last three... it never got the chance to develop. I was seduced, and at least one of them was like an old couple undressing climbing into bed, going at it and then to sleep... and she had a great time (there were some physically nice coincidences for her with my build) but I... well, where was the necking and the heavy petting? The exploration of each other? Learning what each ot her likes? It simply wasn't there and I think that is what was missing. We went so fast that we skipped right past the romance part and snuffed any possible spark out for throwing on too much fuel.

I think that is part of what she is talking to when she talks about building in romance to your relationship and I think it is true at all levels and times of a relationship. Does this mean I think you have to have date night every night, complete with dinner, wine and candles. Massage, foot rubs, etc? No... but, we need to be able to slow down, relax and let things build up, and we need to be able to fan that spark into a tiny ember, and gently feed it to a small flame, then start working on more fuel to get into that roaring fire of wild sex. Rather than expecting two people of the appropriate gender combination and wham! There it is! Nothing more needed.

Just my 2c worth.

Totally agree. I’m just now dating after being with my ex for 20+ years. Seems like the guys just want to get to sex. No build up or getting to know each other like you said. I have a couple FWB so I’m trying to actually just date men and have my fwb for release when we need that.

I have not tried, because I am convinced I can't do, FWB. I have been offered something similar. My problem is that either I am interested, or I am not and if I am interested, I will develop feelings and it won't be a friendship, it will be a relationship... and I have a horrid track record with being able to back off and just be friends. 😟 So, totally a failing on my part.

2

I received a "You have reached your limit of free articles.".

2

Interesting, but generally I'm the one not wanting to have sex, and my partner gets frustrated and leaves. It does give me hope that eventually I'll find a partner who doesn't want sex 3-4 times a DAY let alone a month.

2

Liked the article, good information. Thanks!

1

Sex is vital.

1

When I was married I had a high libido while my wife had a very low libido.Made me think I was just a "horn dog".A couple years after the divorce I lived with a gal that wanted sex twice a day.Had this horn dog begging for mercy.Didn't think women like that existed till I met her.

I totally get when kids are little and you’re running on almost no sleep that the sex is going to lessen. But as the kids get older, and going to sleepovers, you’d think that would come back. Oh well, I’m free now. Could always have been worse. My kids have a wonderful father, he wasn’t at the bar every night or abusive.

1

Marriage has many differnt purposes tho our culture doesn't recognise such. Marriage is for love only via our pop music, rom coms, & romantic dramas. It is dictated by hormones. As I have rejected most elements of our culture early on in my life I find a sexless marriage ideal. I have no interest in spawning. My portfolio is stable & productive. The marriage is open in that a liason to my or his liking is open to pursue. We get tax benefits for filing jointly. I get the security of having a male around to fend off unwanted attention. He gets the security of my parenting him. There is little better than solo sex. I know what & when it pleases me. It is always available. It is safe. The committment is to myself. It is uncomplicated. Self preservation is not selfish. We both are content with the arrangement. Different strokes. Literally. =0}

1

This is a great article. My experience was due to depression, my ex suffered with depression and bipolar disorder which led to our breakup. It seemed that I thought she didn't have an interest in sex anymore when it was my resentment of her made me uninterested in sex with her. Over time it just got worse.

JonM Level 3 Mar 17, 2018
1

This happened in my last relationship. First time. On my side, I am all about getting to the orgasm, not the actual orgasm. That's the end. Who wants that? And while my ex claimed to be a nymphomaniac (in the true sense of the word, which is very unhealthy) she was an orgasm addict. Get there quick. And if I didn't get there quick, she would cry. Actually cry. This killed my libido. Never seen that before. And it made discussion difficult because of tears. I am a big communicator, but if I can't talk without causing a break down, I will just shut up. Which causes stress, so sex became 'make myself hurry up and orgasm'...which doesn't work for me, at all. And then I began having to make choices about responsibilities. I take care of my mom. She has partial dementia, so there are a lot of responsibilities and time that I have to put in, and for my exes credit, my mother's dementia didn't set in til about 3 weeks after we started dating. So she didn't sign up for that. And a dozen other stresses, which just resulted in me choosing to masturbate than have sex. Another first. So no libido issue. An odd thing that I noticed too: sex became serious at an early stage. No laughter, not playful, but 'let's do this' 'let's do that'...no impulsiveness. Ugh. A lot more to that story, but there you go...haha...you're welcome...hehe

@AMGT Yeah, that was the killer. It had something to do with previous baggage, but, can't have that. Might as well kick me in the jimmies...has the same effect...haha

Ugh. I think maybe she has some issues...

Yes, those experiences are unpleasant aren't they and become prescribed almost. No fun. Had two boyfriends like that, the relationships didn't last very long, it's not loving when it's quick, uncommunicative and serious. Made me think of the lie back and think of England comment.

@girlwithsmiles HA!

1

My ex and I were married for 22 years. I think i outgrew him. Sex was awful at the end, i could hardly stand to be around him. I had an affair. I liked the attention. Both people have to work at it.

1

Before I read.

A friend read a book a while back and relayed some of the interesting twists in it. The one that comes to mind is that in Puritan society, back in the 1600s, a marriage had to be consuamated. There were histories of marriages of a man and a woman that sounded like he was looking for a replacement for his mom and she a son. They weren't interested in each other physically. However, they were quite happy together. Their society eventually figured out what was going on and annuled hte marriage.

Why is this odd? The term "puritan" seems like one that calls to an extremely regimented society when it comes to sex. It was in ways, and it was quite, ahem, fun in others. Seems the Puritans were getting down and getting nasty a lot, just in a safe, monogamous and righteous way (though, there were a lot of perversions, even by their standards, going on).

I’m guessing the sex was mainly for procreation, there was little pleasure and that was reserved mostly for the man. My thoughts on the Puritans would not leave much room for debauchery, even between married couples.

That was one of the ironies revealed in this book, the Victorians were much more "puritanical" than the Puritans.

I have since run across some information that backs up the Victorian side of that. They were really pretty twisted about and bound up.

Whereas, it seems the Puritans had a fairly healthy view of sexuality, though I agree they were pretty strict about it being between married couples.

That said... research bundling and try not to laugh too much. 🙂
Oh, and despite all of this, I've run across evidence of a few 'rushed' weddings... which implies that they knew what was what.

0

Been there before bust up.... then she portrayed as asshole when cheated

0

I reckon that denying a human being with a healthy sex drive an outlet for that sex drive amounts to 'cruel and unusual punishment.' It isn't acceptable to expect someone with a low libido to meet the needs of someone with a stronger one, but equally, it isn't reasonable for the person with the strong libido to have to do without because their partner is disinterested. This is where I believe that open (sexually promiscuous, emotionally monogamous) relationships should come into play. Give the partner with the higher sex drive the opportunity to scratch their itch elsewhere if then need to. Obviously this goes against religion's mantra of "Repress. Conform. Marry. Breed." But it's a practical solution for a common problem.

I think reasonable expectations need to be established, too. A partner demanding sex more than 2-3 times a week or one allowing it less than twice a month (assuming that you're cohabiting) has unreasonable expectations of their partner. Of course if their partner has a similar drive (or lack thereof) then happy days, but if they don't, then what's reasonable and normal frequency-wise needs to be considered.

I spent well over a decade in a sexless marriage, by the 'less than 10 times a year' yardstick. My ex typically allowed it to happen (and indeed demanded it when she wanted it) 3 or 4 times a year. You should feel happy after sex. I used to be hit by a wave of depression, because I knew my sex life would be masturbating in the shower for the next 90 to 120 days.

I think there's more to it than that too. I have a healthy libido, but would rather be with no one than someone that I don't respect. Losing respect for someone can mean all bets are off for me. Casual sex is not something I'm that interested in either, as it's about having a connection.

0

Brilliant and very true. some people actually marry each other happily knowing they won't be having sex and it works out just fine. once you stop comunicating you stop doing anything but the essential things like a robot. presumption is the mother of all fuck ups. I have a high sex drive but I also have hands and I obviously don't need a woman in my life. is sex what we really want mostly from a relationship? being a couple is always going to be a compremise.

0

Being married for 44 years requires a healthy sexual relationship. For most of our married life sex was on average three encounters per week.

@AMGT Thats funny🙂 Some folks are sex addicts.

@AMGT Read the post here by pnullifidian above this one (on my screen).

Was the sex with your ex approached as an obligation, or a joy? Not being judgemental, or not intending to as I see it as important for him to approach in a way that helps kindle your interest as much as it is your responsibility to do the same. Further, if you aren't in the mood, you aren't. Oh, and it really sucks if the two of you ARE in the mood about as many times a week but NOT at the same time.

I suspect, wish I could ask her, that my wife was in that 'obligation' space and I was trying too hard to 'kindle' things... AND she was very willing and accommodating. Note that she was also going through chemotherapy for cancer the last 8 years and admitted to me she had zero libido at the end... she tried to apologize to me for it and I felt more like I was the one who should do so for not being more accommodating of her feelings. <sigh> What a mess we were. 🙂

I can't understand the females view, though I am trying. I am getting a little more keyed into the thought that you might simply not be in the mood for an orgasm, especially if it is a lot of work for you (I know that is true for some women), but are willing to please your partner, and possibly even wanting to give your partner what they want/need/desire. However, from the male perspective, if you aren't in the mood... it's hard for me (at least) to feel like it's mutual and thus respectful (meaning that I feel as if I am disrespecting your wants/needs/space if I/we proceed anyway) if we go about having sex when my partner is just not there to also have fun... and these thoughts only make it worse as then my partner feels as if it's a requirement when what I want is for us to both just chill and be relaxed until we both want to have fun.

<sigh>

Boy are we humans a mess or what?!?

@Gnarloc We were under no obligation, and we are still married, and we both enjoy making love.

In truth I am revealing more of me than anything else. And specifically my concerns, being male, of possibly being overbearing based on old memories AND current events making me rethink things. And, of course, that realization that my libido and my wife's libido weren't very well matched. Hers was low, mine was high. That said, we had 23 great years together, 18 of them married and I am confident she'd comment that I was never overbearing to help with these concerns of mine. It's my way of processing and learning.

0

With misandrism on rooftops, it's be to be with no libido at all.

0

never got to read the article. stated i had reached my limit. I HAVENT EVEN BEEN THERE BEFORE!! I think ts a scam. lets make you payto read oneof two articles a year.

0

I can technology.

[mobile.nytimes.com]

0

I can’t make the link work.

Hold down on the link for a second.

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