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Married to a JW

Anyone married to a religious person? When we met, my wife was not particularly religious, which suited me fine. She later made friends who were in the JW, and has slowly got deeper and deeper into their philosophies.

Now, my wife was never the most fun person in the world before, so this religion was the last she needed! These people take their holy book FAR too literally, and seem to place a huge priority on finding things that annoy god, to avoid doing them. This means - no Christmas, no birthday parties, no smoking or drinking, no clothes that show too much skin. Real party animals these guys!

I am at a loss what to do. I love my wife, but I would have never married a JW. We have a daughter who I adore also, and as I am an expat living in a part of Italy where I have yet to meet another one, to leave my wife would mean a choice of chronic loneliness if I stay here to be close to my daughter, or returning to my home country and missing out on my daughter’s life, which would kill me. Besides, I would never leave her so completely exposed to the craziness of this religion, without me around to contradict it with logic.

Anyone out there with a similar story? Or just married to a religious person - how do you make it work? By religious I don’t mean belonging to a faith - I know many “Catholics” who really don’t care about their religion, they were just brought up in it and don’t spend much time thinking about it, yet still call themselves Catholics if asked. By religious I mean people who actively think about their faith and sincerely believe in its teachings.

Gerard103 3 Dec 24
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12

She might leave you first. JW teaches ex-communication and they are particularly brutal about it. If she's truly becoming devout in the church, it is only a matter of time before the elders start to pressure her to convert you or disconnect. That is, if she doesn't up and decide one day to choose you over the religion.

I empathize with your plight.

Absolutely correct ! A friend of mine own Mother stop talking to him because he was excommunicated. Absolutely unacceptable!!

I have asked her about this and she assures me that they do not encourage members to leave their husbands. In fact, she cannot be shunned even now as she has not been baptised. It is only baptised members who leave the faith that are shunned.

Not defending them, believe me!, but just for clarification.

Regarding their interfering in our marriage, I told her a long time ago I was concerned about that and she asked the "sisters", who assured her that the bible only approves of divorce in cases of adultery or abuse, and also that it encourages women to obey their husbands in all things (although I doubt this includes my telling her not to become a JW!). So, no danger of their trying to split us up or convert me.

@Gerard103 Oh, she's not baptized yet. I see. Sorry, but what I said stands. Once she's a full member, things will change. Marriages that happen outside of the church aren't considered "church ordained" and your relationship will be fair game. You can fully expect to feel that pressure strain your relationship once she is baptized. Perhaps even before then. It seems as if some of it has started. I would like you to mark my words, so that if/when we have a conversation about it in the future we can point to what I've told you here. Best of luck and I hope you're able to find an outcome with the best possible result for your family's well-being.

10

Would your wife be open minded to facts?
There are tons of cases where JW’s also have molested kids. They are not as holy as they claim to be.
How old is your daughter?
My mom is a JW. When I was a kid my dad put up a christmas tree for us regardless of what my mom thought. My dad told her that it was also his house. My dad put his foot down and explained that she was not going to try and control him.
With JW’s it’s all about controlling everything.
My dad made sure to bring us to extracurricular activities for school if that was what we wanted to do. He did not deny us school dances or holidays.
JW’s don’t allow kids to go to school dances,
and don’t allow kids to participate in sports.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this.
I am just sharing how my dad dealt with this with my mom. My dad created a meaningful relationship with us, in which JW’s don’t do with their children. I would focus on that and talk to your child and keep the communication lines open. I tried to talk to my mom but she was never up lifting. My dad was always positive and encouraging.

[nypost.com]

You go Dad!!!

Thank you, this touches on another problem I have, outside of any friction related to religious differences; my wife is a controlling person and treats me as if I am her child. This came about since I moved to Italy, as I was a reasonably confident person in my own country but arriving here I didn't speak the language or have the confidence to handle all the stuff we have to take care in our daily lives (including many tasks that would be traditionally seen as the man's role). So my wife had to take responsibility for many situations, and looking back now, she became the "man" in our relationship, as well as the woman.

I have allowed this to go on for far too long, and it is difficult to see myself putting my foot down at this point in our relationship.

This feeds into my belief that the JW cult appeals to people of certain personalities, including people with a need to control others.

@Gerard103
They are narcissists, according to both of my therapists my mother is a malignant narcissist. Even though my dad was at home with us, he traveled for work. So mom was in charge and we had to go to their hall and we had to do the “JW” meetings. When dad was not home mom ruled the house.
My mom scarred us big time, she used the “JW tactics, which means that you are never good enough because Jehovah needs all of your time, and it will never be enough”. These are the most mentally unstable people. Most battle depression.
Narcissists will never admit that they have done anything wrong. They are always defending their ego. Educate your daughter about cults.
My friend “Get your balls back.” There was a time when you were not able to speak for yourself because she had to do it for you. I understand what happened, but that was then... time to blossom and set your boundaries. One suggestion, there are several documentaries on JW’s that are good to be aware of. I would ask her if she is open minded enough to watch something with you. No one wants to think that they are not open minded so that would be a chance for you to open a dialogue. I would suggest that you watch them first. You are elephant strong!

8

Why do you believe "chronic loneliness" will be the result of leaving your wife, but staying close to your daughter? There are many women out there who don't take religion so seriously, or women of no faith at all. (There are thousands right here, literally a key stroke away.) Do you really think you will never date or be married again? Why? ... But to answer your question, no, I have never been with a church going person. I dated one, once, but at the first invitation to church I ended it. ... I have no interest in church or to be involved with those who go to church. Any church.

He lives in Italy and needs encouragement and diplomatic training to make love more worthwhile for his spouse and child more cherished than the THOU SHALT NOTs of Jehovah Witness cult activities

@Larry68Feminist How do you know what he needs? And how is this a response to my comment?

@JustAskMe read again what he is asking for.....there may not be 2 single Atheist women here a key stroke away in Italy who want to be a stepmom to his daughter in Italy discounted your claim of THOUSANDS

@Larry68Feminist Read MY comment again. You have misunderstood it entirely.

@JustAskMe I read no encouragement in Italy to solving his PROBLEM to preserve his marriage or marry a local Italian Atheist ....his name page mentions a tiny Italian village....you think Atheist women here are going to relocate overseas and marry a forlorn 41 yr old divorcing dad of a young girl likely to lose custody as a resident alien ???

@Larry68Feminist We don't know, do we? We don't know who or what is available in his area or here. And really, I'm asking HIM not you.

@JustAskMe I private msg him and several people here have given him their DIRECT EXPERIENCE with JWs....you mean well and if he succeeds for his and daughters sake, the JW bride will make her choice in their family

@Larry68Feminist - Are you under the impression that I am suggesting he stay with his JW wife? If so, you are incorrect. As I said, and as you have apparently misunderstood again, my original comment states " .... believe "chronic loneliness" will be the result of leaving your wife, but..." ... I don't see how you are totally missing what I'm saying time and time again. ... (???) ... Or maybe you just want to argue?

Thank you both for your interest in my case and for your advice.

I have stated this also in other replies on this thread - I have no interest in moving on and finding another woman, if I ever leave this marriage. My concerns are mainly for my daughter. I will not say that I don't care about my own happiness, just that it is not my priority. And I don't think it would be good for my little girl growing up seeing her dad depressed and miserable.

I mention chronic loneliness because I am already on the edge of it. I do not fit in at all with the culture where I live with my wife and daughter, and there are no expats here. Flights home take over a day from here, and usually require three flights to get me home, which could be just a 3-hour flight if an airline were to go directly. My wife's family speaks a dialect which I do not understand, and I am also a shy person, so the only people in my life really are my wife and child. And when my wife doesn't understand me, or pushes me away by joining a cult, I feel very depressend and alone, even if I am in company.

My little girl is 4 years old, I am hopeful that with another few years she will become the cure to my loneliness, but as I write this I realise how unfair and selfish it is to put that sort of pressure on her. But for now, I will just play the waiting game, I will just try to stay in this for as long as possible, and see how things pan out.

Thanks again.

@JustAskMe I suppose as lonely as he feels even your obtuse post to him is better than nothing....READ HIS THANKFUL REPLY and precise declaration right below me here.....the additional details include a language disconnect with the little girl's mom...... please reconsider your understanding of his pleas here..... REAL CARING FEMINIST Atheist men like him and me NEED love without it without bonding over a football game or co-parenting with other Atheists and their daughters is something I went through TWICE with insensitive females along the way praising solitude we both abhor

@JustAskMe, @Gerard103 I envy your abiding love for your sweet playful 4 year old child.....40 years ago I won sole custody for my 1st daughter...... perhaps a good lawyer exists near you to protect your family from cult interference? If your spouse does not want the lawyer/s help that is proof of her neglect PROOFfor your sole custody case IN THE BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD.....Italy is a catholic country less favorable to religious extremists as is USA

7

It's no easy choice, Gerard.

My ex-wife gradually became more and more involved in her church as our marriage went on (and as I became less and less involved, in fact as I realized I was an atheist). That wasn't the catalyst for our divorce, but it doubtless played some part.

I can't say you'll meet someone instantly if you were to split up, after all, I've been single over two years now and although I date often, there's been nobody who has clicked with me for more than a couple months. But being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Ask yourself if you really feel that you're in a fulfilling relationship as it is.

I discovered that being alone is just fine for me, since I realized the alternative was stifling me.

Thank you Paul. I am not interested in meeting other women if I leave. And I know exactly what you mean about being lonely without being alone, I feel this every day. My wife's family speak a dialect that I do not understand, and when I feel that my wife doesn't understand me, that is me all alone here, even though I am surrounded by people often.

There are certainly other factors that contribute to the unhappiness in the marriage, but until now we could discuss everything. But we can only discuss JW if I fake interest in actually understanding their point of view.

No, my concern is not for myself now, but for my daughter. Were there children involved in your case?

@Gerard103 We have a daughter, who was 13 at the time. It helped immensely that I made clear my main interest was in making sure she still had a good home, I had no interest in selling the house and splitting the cash, etc., in fact I still basically make the mortgage payments plus a little on the side. It's a very informal child support agreement.

She visits every weekend and I drive her to school every other week, my work schedule makes evenings hard to do. But she understands now, even though I'm not sure she was completely on board at the time. But I had waited 3 years already trying to save the marriage on account of her youth, so I felt I had to do something to save my own sanity and morale.

6

What does "JW" stand for? I speak English, not Acronym.

Just Wondering. Urban Dictionary says "JW" means "just wondering."

Jewish Woman

Jehovah Witness

Jizz Wizard

"Jehovah's Witnesses". They're some of the people who go door-to-door, and I answer in my underwear or naked.

JW is common shorthand for Jehovahs Witness

@BitFlipper I personally refer to them as being Jehovah's Witlesses.

@BitFlipper, @Eazyduzzit Or simply " Jeho's" in the Aussie vernacular....LOL.

@Donotbelieve

I asked a sincere question: What does "JW" stand for?

Insulting members is against Community Guidelines. I was not "condescending" or "snarky," as you called me.

@Donotbelieve

There is nothing impolite about asking for clarification. "What does "'JW' stand for?" is a polite question.

"I speak English, not Acronym" is a fact. I tried looking up "JW" and got "just wondering."

People need to spell out words. Asking them to clarify is appropriate.

@Donotbelieve

Thank you. Apology accepted.

@Donotbelieve

You said I wrote "backpedaling replies." I'm tired of you taking shots at me. You are blocked.

@LiterateHiker I did not know what JW was either, until I found a response post to clarify. There are many other times I google acronyms here, and I agree it is a disservice, if not downright rude, to use acronyms rather that words.
This is, in fact, a place of written communication between people of many ages, lifestyles, and backgrounds, and it only stands to reason that as we are writing the English language we should do so correctly, in order to be understood.

Donotbelieve: Understand?

@tinkercreek

Thank you. Some news articles use text-speak now.

"Even Adam Driver is emo as hell," an author wrote on Slate. Again, I had to look it up. According to Urban Dictionary, "emo" means "an emotional person."

Spell it out, people!

@Triphid We are programmed to proselytize. resistance is futile.

Apologies, you are quite right. I am often at a loss to understand acronyms myself and have to google them, I guess I am just used to abbreviating Jehovah's Witness to JW and didn't think about it. I also hate typing the word 'Jehovah', it is just anathema to me by now.

6

Unless she puts pressure on you to convert or looks negatively at you if you do not ,I would not take any drastic measures .Personally I do not care about celebrating Christmas ,Birthdays etc or do I smoke or drink so this should not be important to me as far as I am concerned in fact I look at this as a positive .I have a neighbor family who are JW and they are some of the nicest friendly people I know and not once in over 20 years have they ever approached me about converting

Thanks richiegtt, to be honest I am mostly thinking about my daughter at this point, although I am sad to lose the holidays which have always been a big part of my life, but for non-religious reasons.

I just don't want my daughter to be made to suffer for some of the ridiculous things these people make her mother believe. And I don't want my wife influencing my little girl before her mind is ready to process this sort of contemplation for herself.

6

My ex husband joined an Indian cult. It ruined our marriage. I could have stayed but it would have been on the cults terms 100% which was not possible for me. He choose the cult. It has now been some years, I have made a nice life for myself, I am happy and content. In the end you may not have a choice it may be done for you make the best of it.

Thank you Jolanta, sorry to hear that but I am glad you have moved on and made a happy life for yourself.

6

Too hard to live with someone who blocks every fun, happy, indulging thing. Your daughter will grow up, date and marry, have children and your presence will not be as gravitational. Maybe she'll marry a foreigner and move to a different country. Religion apart, every divorce brings the cost of not being as close to your children as we may wish. The price of pursuing new happiness is very high. I had to pay for it but I do not regret leaving my first 'too-hard-to-live-with' wife. I married again and live a happy life. I couldn't grow together with my daughters but now we are close and love each other.

I am sorry you had to go through that. My situation is a little different - I think that if we were both from the same country and living in that country, I would leave my wife and try to stay close to my daughter, but my choice would be to either stay in a place where I have no family or social outlet and do not fit in with the local culture, or go back to my country and abandon my daughter to a cult, and a controlling (and now bitter) mother. I just couldn't do that to her.

5

I'm reminded of Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover." Sorry, I cannot and will not spend my life living with a person afflicted with religion.

5

If the other person is a devout follower or becoming one , they generally will exclude from their lives those things that don’t conform. Most of the time especially with JW’s devotees, you have to be one to make it work and if a relationship is based on force it is false . Stay close to your kid , and don’t be somewhere out of attachment or obligation. Be vigilant and have courage .

Thank you

@Gerard103 you are most welcome. Victor Frankyl stated “ The one thing no one can take from you is your perception of how you feel about your experience “. Life is about about change whether we want to or not , the river of life’s current will pull us along whether we swim along with it or fight it. Sometimes we can jump on the bank and evaluate that current and catch our breath and then jump back in . Fear is the great paralyzer , harmony is about seeing what is around you and accepting what it’s doing and doing what you need to do . Having power in our lives allows us to act , not to force or maintain things by force . Listen to your inner self and trust what it is telling you, you already have the answer to your hat the course is .

4

As someone who was reared in that religion and subsequently molested by the so called ‘brother’. Do not abandon your daughter. My dad was a non-believer but he gave my mother a free hand She trusted those people and I was unable to tell her or my dad. I’m was pressured by the molester to get baptized.They threatened that if I told they would disfellowship me and my mother. A kid doesn’t know how to deal with that type of pressure. Kids are pressured not to have friends outside of that faith. The emotional pain of being kicked out is the most frightening thing in world. Not to mention their constant insistence that the world is going to end (now). You have to stay active in your daughters life. Don’t let them pressure her into baptism. Keep her view of the world balanced. If you don’t they will ruin her life.

I am so sorry that happened to you.

@Wildgreens Thank you

So sorry that happened to you Dee, and thank you for sharing. It encourages me even more to not abandon my little girl to this cult.

@Gerard103 I know I was rambling but this is the first time I said these things out loud. I’m sure everyone in that religion isn’t dangerous. But their beliefs are. Living with the constant fear of god killing everyone who doesn’t follow their rules isn’t healthy. My older sister is slipping into mental illness as she clings to their promises. My younger sister is addicted to drugs - trying to escape reality. Those two are ‘true believers’. Both my brothers turned to a life of crime spending the bulk of their lives in prison (and both are dead) they ran from that religion . However, I’m the black sheep because I choose to get my PhD. But it took me years to break away from their influence. I lost many opportunities. Be concerned and always be there for her- she needs a strong father.

4

I was, it was never a problem. We could believe and followed what we wanted but other issues like love, sacrifices, family, responsibilities, child always took priority because those issues looked larger. I do not remember religion appeared ever as a more important issue than other issues. But we made sure we did not impose own beliefs on the other. We talked about what we believed in and why. But after seeing what kind of bad news, abuse about religion was coming out, her disillusionment started. Her faith also started becoming very passive. That worked out for me.

It happened one day that wife's much older sister visited for the first time from overseas and got the wind that I did not follow chores, not visited temples etc. She was upset and said how could I forget my culture, values, upbringing etc. I was formulating a respectful explanation due to her age but the wife stepped and said, I agree with him totally and I see no issues. That is how it worked. Other things were more important

I personally believe that a successful relationship between a religious person and an atheist and even between two faiths is possible. The whole game is.... "Expectations". Have correct expectations and it can work out for both.

It surprises me when atheists who are freethinkers and open minded, are already successful at breaking out of the strong brainwash from childhood and the society of religion around us every day... cannot be open minded to rise above the differences of faith, politics for the larger good at his age.

Our happiness and looking at the good should be the highest priority. Life is about cherry picking. Just pick the good. It is not package deal.

Thank you, your post has given me some hope of saving the marriage!

@Gerard103
My favorite line is .... "Life is what we make it to be." In these modern, civilized times, we have a lot more control over most decisions in our lives. A lot can look better just with the right expectations, and right attitude. If your perspective and world view changes to better, you will notice the grass is looking greener. There are things in life beyond our control like death, natural calamity, accident caused by others etc. Most the most is under our control. I tried it with self and I noticed a whole lot of difference. I was younger, but wan't happy, I had more money, but wasn't happy, I had a better career, but I wasn't happy. I just changed the view of how and what to take from the life ahead.

3

Thank you to everyone for your empathy and advice. A few clarifications on my situation:

My daughter is 4 years old.

I am Irish, my wife Italian. Outside of her and her family, I do not know anybody where we live. I am a shy person and do not blend easily into the culture in the part of Italy we live in. This is why I am afraid of leaving, I would be truly alone in a strange culture, with no community of expats to lean on, and I would be leaving my daughter exposed to this dangerous cult.

My wife has not yet been baptised or gone knocking on doors. She started taking an interest in this cult about 5 years ago, when she befriended a JW, who to be fair came across as a very nice lady. This was when we lived in another part of Italy, where my wife had no family or friends, and so I encouraged her in this friendship. The JW woman was friendly and did not put any pressure on my wife to be baptised, they only met to discuss the bible over tea. But over the years my wife has become more and more convinced by the religion (she promised me only 2 years ago that she would never be baptised, that she just had a lot of questions about the bible and she liked discussing it with the "sisters", but she did not agree with everything and did not intend on going full-in.), and now, she has told me that she wants to become a fully-fledged member.

Although atheist, I have always enjoyed the non-religious aspects of holidays such as Christmas and Easter. Anyone with a basic knowledge of history and pagan customs knows that mankind has always liked to throw parties, and it is simply the religion of the day that hijacks these parties to give them the excuse of throwing them. So what was once Saturnalia is now Christmas, what was once the feast of Eostre is now Easter. Catholics replaced pagan gods with their own saints and martyrs, but this does not give them the monopoly on the celebrations of family, humanity, fertility or whatever else we want to celebrate, with the traditions that accompany them. But try explaining this to a JW. My wife has told me to enjoy Christmas this year as it is likely to be my last. They just take everything so literally, it is like they are boring people who seek out passages in the bible that justify their boringness, and ignore anything that encourages fun.

It seems now she is likely to want to be enrolled fully in the next year in this cult. She does not look forward to the knocking on doors aspect, nor in "coming out" to her family as a JW, and as bitter as I am, I still feel the instinct to try to help her through this! Am I crazy?

In response to "why no drinking", yes the JWs allow drinking in moderation, but my wife already does not drink due to a gastronomical disorder. I was just making the point that they ban everything that is fun, but the drinking is a personal problem I have, as I like to drink but as she does not drink I have been reduced to drinking alone, which has also led to an alcohol dependence problem for me, as I have no friends or social outlets here as I have said before.

It is really difficult to see a way out of this, as it is hard to even adequately explain the complication of my situation. Most people here probably live in your own countries, or at least in countries with a similar culture and the same language. I cannot go off to the pub to get away for a few hours, for example. Please do not suggest leaving and going back to my own country, as this would not make me happy - how could I possibly be happy, abandoning my child to this crazy cult? Especially now that I have been made aware of the child abuse scandals.

My wife is not open to discussion about this, except for times when I am able to convince her that I am trying to understand the bible from her cult's point of view, as she believes in those moments that I could be open to conversion. But anything that sounds like criticism, or asking her to read anything on the internet that speaks with less than fondness about the JW, or asking her to read The God Delusion or God is Not Great, to open her mind and approach the subject of god with balance, and she just shuts me out. Anything that goes against her cult's oppressive teachings is clearly the work of Satan.

I have tried to discuss their teachings with her, as I truly wanted to gain some insight into how my intelligent wife could be so convinced by them. But I have found myself biting my lip time and again, as there is simply no excuse for some of their teachings; god is offended by birthdays and festivals in his name; Satan landed on Earth in 1914 and has been corrupting us all since then; only 144,000 people will be saved on the day of judgment, which is any day now (and has been ever since the cult was founded). I suppose Catholicism is crazy too, but I was brought up in that religion so I guess I am used to it, and the good thing about most Catholics is that they don't think too much about their faith, most of them were just brought up in it and go along with it, they are not freethinkers and just want to live their lives and be accepted. I can live with that - my wife was like that when I met her. But if she is to become a freethinker, and start questioning the bible, then the only logical and acceptable conclusion can be atheism or agnoticism - if you actually think about the bible, study it and come to the conclusion that the JWs have it cracked, there is something wrong with you that I cannot fix.

I don't think anyone can really help me with this. I just need to survive the marriage and protect my daughter until she is grown up, and then I can leave if I am still alive!

That's some heavy shit, a heavy load you are carrying.

Keep trying friend.....get copies of WATCHTOWER and AWAKE .....both ENGLISH AND ITALIAN copies to have your spouse read in both languages ALOUD so you both hear it in the same dialect.....I have read many the last 40 years and there is room on those pages to reason and choose nice outcomes .....it is true she is drowning in cultist pressures and official JW publications can divide her from the cultists for your reasonable loving purposes....DO NOT argue religion with a 4 year old girl....be 100% scientific with her....watch Disney science and nature films with her....find a good SECULAR school for her the day she turns 5

3

I am sorry you are in this situation. I personally have experience with this, as do my son and daughter. The children chose my path rather than their mothers. She wasn't initially that religious but was brought up catholic and stsrted studing with these people while i was at work. I tried to underst as nd it, i studied with them. I watched their money trail. We had horrid fights over it. I gave it ten years then terminated the marriage. That was the hardest thing i have had to do, and i came thru Vietnam war. I loved her, she had cerebral palsy since birth and never let it be an issue. She was doing so good and the religion destroyed us.
Always teach the children scientifically proven issues. They need to learn to discern reality at every moment of their lives, religions remove that with beliefs.

3

My best friend at school`s mom was a JW, was dad was not. He spent a lot of time down the pub.

Then of course....they blamed the drinking

@twill They seemed to be in all other respects a loving family. I never heard any fights or arguments (unlike mine). I think that he just left her to it whilst he spent his leisure hours with guys who were not talking about god all the time.

@273kelvin My Dad bailed on us for the bars. Not about religion, just a bad marriage. He was seeking camaraderie / friendship/ fun....anything besides stress.

That would be me, if there were pubs where I live 😟

@twill This seeking sounds very familiar to me, have heard from friends and now wonder how common it in relationships even today. It is just not a thing of the previous generations.

3

I have had Witness friends and my grandpa was a Baptist turned JW, but he never went to meetings. Much of the "worldly" religions today damn the hell out of this group and the main reason is that they do not believe in a soul. When you are dead you are dead.This is why the Evangelicals damn them because Evangelicals do believe in a soul. They think they die physically and then are instantly someplace else.

I see your plight but do not know what to tell you. If your wife will stick with you just remain so that your daughter has the both of you. Will she do that? Will the group try to split you apart? If I did this and was in your place the biggest bother I would have is hearing the word "Jehovah" way, way too many times. Good luck.

3

People change over time. I was in a secular marriage until my wife converted to reform Judaism. There's enough friction in a marriage. Ya don't need religious friction and major donations to her Temple. I'm so glad she didn't become a JW!

2

The post and comments are a great discussion and be a model of how free thinking and intelligent agnostic people can handle a complex faith and personal issue with an open mind, warmth, without hate and being helpful. I wonder if this would happen in a Church. I suppose it would start with blaming other people, persuasions and promoting own cause. None of us has anything to sell here.

2

Get out while you are still alive!

2

I have no advice for you. You can try to expose them to more secular things. Good luck.

1

Check out the Interpersonal Effectiveness portion of DBT. They have some excellent tools for respectfully dealing with difficult problems in relationships. You're in a pretty tough spot and it sounds like the best possible thing would be if you can build a respectful relationship with your wife.

Thank you, what is DBT please?

@Gerard103 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy by Marsha Linehan

@Gerard103 Also, I would suggest that rather than focusing on the religion and trying to combat your wife's new beliefs, you might consider the underlying causes leading to your wife wanting to embrace this religion. When people make irrational choices, it's usually because they are trying to fill a deep human need. Your wife may be lonely, may feel like the things she does aren't significant enough, may feel like life is slipping by without her accomplishing her dreams, or something along those lines that she feels unable to change; and so she turns to superstitious beliefs to at least give her some sense of having those needs filled.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into a huge amount of detail because I could write a book on this, but the DBT book has a lot of really good information and exercises you can do to help you work through tough relationship problems and make solid choices.

@Gerard103 also MONTESSORI or REGGIO early childhood education will assist her and you to stay freethinking Atheists curious and happy pursuing knowledge growing together.....your challenges ahead are good with other parents with children your girls age ....drawing writing playing reading sculpting adding subtracting ....very little reality of learning is written in the bibles....get her mom interested in learning with her daughter in real schools NOT CULT MEETINGS with tea

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I am a former JW and I was an elder for a short time. How old is your daughter? your wife will no doubt have or try to have a bible study with her you can talk to her about your beliefs or lack of them there is an excelant web sight jw facts and jw survey. Why no drinking that isnt part of JW teachings no drunkenness but they are not opposed to drinking or parties just that but hey must be moderate and no wild dancing or drugs and overindulgence. One point raised by Dee 138 is the problem of child abuse all over the world JW have been in court some very serious sex offenders are JW and when released from their prison sentances they could be accepted back into the fold and it will be kept secret. So if there is a molester in your wifes congregation she may not be told about it. There was a major inquiry into responses to child abuse in australia a couple of years ago JW where part of that process the proceedings where on yiou tube live and many jw will not believe it happened some claiming it was a hoax that i am afraid is what you are up against that is the level of controlle The JW claim like all religions that they have thr truth and all others are wrong and controlled by satan arguing about the bible is pretty pointless because they believe that its satan pulling your strings. It may seem gloomy from what I have said i hope you and your wife can make things work. Is your wife active knocking on doors? is she baptised?

Yeah I know JW's that drink and like to include alcohol in their festivities

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I couldn’t take that. Just too extreme. Too much of a change from your former life together. Not that great in the first place as you say. You deserve to be happy too. Unless you hate living alone I would tell her how I feel and what I plan to do about it.

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Take her to an swing party (orgy )
That should shake her up a bit

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I grew up a JW and was in a marriage for 13 years within the religion. We both left but there was so much water over the bridge that the marriage ended about the same time. I also lost my son to the religion as he stayed in. I know men who are nonbelievers who remain with a JW woman but what they are willing to put up with I really don't know. My advise is if you do stay in the relationship is to set rules that you can live with. One would be holidays. You say you have a daughter but don't state her age. If she isn't too indoctrinated you could insist that you are going to celebrate holidays and you want your daughter to also. Make it plain that you intend to live your life on your own terms and you want to have real input into your daughters activities. I am now married to a Catholic but our daughter is an outspoken atheist. We have no problems in that regard. I wasn't pushy but did have my daughter read Genesis on her own and that pretty much did the trick. We also openly discussed religion with everyone having input but my present wife is not overly religious either. I wish you luck whatever your decision.

gearl Level 8 Dec 24, 2019

Thank you. This year was the first year that my wife told me that she could not be a part of Christmas, but she wanted me to do it with my daughter. Later she told me that she did this last year as well but just didn't tell me, i.e. she let me go out and buy decorations and put up the tree etc, but she did not participate. I was happy doing it all and never even realised that she was not participating on religious grounds. This year, she decided to tell me, so I never even bothered putting up a tree. For me this time of year is all about family, and she is taking that away from me because of her "other" family.

Now, she tells me that as soon as she becomes fully indoctrinated into the cult, we as a family will not celebrate Christmas again. I would like to tell her that she can stay out of it if she wants, but I will celebrate with my daughter, but to be honest the heart has gone out of it for me. I would not enjoy celebrating the holidays while my wife stays on the sidelines and pretends none of it is happening, even if that is her choice.

I am heartbroken by this for myself, as I have always loved holidays especially ones that bring families closer, but I have come to terms with my heartbreak and I am bracing myself for even more down the line. My main concern now though is for my little girl, as I do not want her to grow up deprived of birthdays and other celebrations that kids normally enjoy. It will be very difficult for me to pick up the reins here, in this foreign culture, as I am a very shy person and do not fit in well here, but I will have to organise her birthday parties by myself in future, and I don't know how I will explain to her why her mother is not taking part.

I feel like she is breaking our famly up and I resent her so much for this, yet I still love her. I blame the cult, and only wish I could find a way of snapping her out of her brainwashed state.

@Gerard103 I feel for you. Again I'm afraid you are letting her make the decisions now and if that happens there will be no stopping it in the future. I understand that you don't feel that your heart is in it, bucking her on holidays. All I can say, with what I know now, it wouldn't be for you but for your daughter. If your wife gets the reigns on all things religious you might as well say goodbye to your daughter. As I said above I lost my son to the religion. It's been over twenty years since we've really spoken and I met him at the post office one day and didn't even recognize him. He lives a mile and a half from me. Like you, I didn't fight and because of it I don't even know my grand-kids. Again, if your wife gets control of your daughter's religious education your daughter will be lost to you. I wish I would have tried harder. Sorry, but I'm a bit emotional here.

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