Agnostic.com

64 9

Sexual Compatibility

How important is sexual compatibility? I have had two relationships that I have not had this. I never realized how many men have performance issues (anxiety, decreased libido, difficulty maintaining an erection, etc). I have had deep companionship’s with both of these people. Very difficult conversations and very emotional on both sides. I try to understand but ultimately I feel like I need the sexual compatibility. Thoughts?

Happyone 5 Mar 29
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

64 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

Sexual compatibility and Performance issues are different topics. Just sayin'-
<3

When you can't perform... you are no longer compatible. Be that basketball, poker or sex.

@GipsyOfNewSpain you are in for a long fall once you pass the age. I used to be pretty now I am not. I feel almost humiliated showing my body where as I was once free

@squiggy_70 it is hard to be compatible when you can no longer perform but there is such a thing as a freak of nature. I had aged, my body is no longer toned but I am looking now for experienced women, real beauty is ageless, real beauty evolves as I had evolved. And I am not your tipical aged, I am still that same freak of nature aged but capable just like at 20 I didnt have interest fo a 60 year old woman at 60 I show no interest for a 20 year old woman. I am grateful for reaching this golden age of my life, I will share it with an equal.

@GipsyOfNewSpain that is nice. a young man said he loved his wife's stretch marks because they were love

@GipsyOfNewSpain so when you are too old to do it and viagra doesn't work then what?

@squiggy_70 You live off the memories. No different than a retired athlete or politician. I had created wonderful moments and I am the type of person that when the time for viagra comes. I may pass on the green pill and accept it as a Rite of Passage. I am satisfied with my adventures in love and sex. The ignorance of youth is real... very real. I remember in my early 20's having serious discussions about what to do for sex in our 40's, conclussion then: prostitutes (oh the ignorance). In my 40's I had more tail than any other decade in my life and not a single prostitute. I simply put myself in that position living in Spain, Greece and Germany, granted I didn't looked my aged but never hided it either. I may even receive the lack of life in my member as one less thing to worry about. I am very satisfied. Que Sera, Sera!

1

Sorry to hear you had those kinds of experiences. I might be on the younger end here so I might not be able to speak for the older guys (I'm 34) but if I'm into someone then sex is never an issue like I can go multiple times in a day for a pretty long period, sorry if that's TMI there. Just saying if it came ro it I would be poping the little blue pill like a pezz dispenser. Sexual compatibility is very important to me as you can see. Wishing you the best and I'm sure there are guys out there your age that can keep up with you and their um yeah you know lol

Fear of the “little blue pill” for them. I guess it would be scary as a man

Enjoy it while it lasts, friend. 🙂

@Happyone The fear of not getting a erection is 1000x more scary to me. I might just love sex too much to care what anyone else thinks. Like I said sex is something that's very important to me and the fear of not being able to perform outweighs the stigma of a little blue pill.

3

You are saying "sexual compatibility" but you are describing unsatisfactory (to you) performance. If your partner is unable to satisfy you via intercourse, but is willing and able to do so in other ways, wouldn't that work? Maybe a clearer definition of what you feel compatibility is would be helpful. =]

One was stuck in the old mantra of sex is for them mainly even though they said otherwise. I would have been willing to give that an option and suggested it. Really makes a women feel unwanted. That was difficult. But yes I was willing to take that route and has a lot of talks about how the desire was there for him but I think fear of performance always won out so no one won.

@Happyone Well, selfish sex ain't a good thing. If partners aren't concerned about the pleasure of the other something needs to change. I feel that's a key to healthy passion: taking care of your partner. Naturally, there has to be physical attraction.

1

I have discontinued pursuit of relationships due to sexual incompatibility. I feel comfortable in that because I try to be very open about sex with any partner I have. I want to learn her needs and desires, and also try to be clear about what I enjoy. If we are not compatible, it is not because we did not discuss.
I have also had sex drive become an issue. If one person needs a lot and the other does not want very much, that is hard to work through without swinging or an open relationship.
No matter what issues you have, the key is to communicate and to be honest about whether they are deal breakers. Trying to push through serious issues without addressing them is a recipe for resentment and disaster.

Thanks for your honesty. I realize a man’s age sometimes is a factor. I have been very open and I think some day I may be on the other end so I try to be aware of this but I feel like I need that connection at this point if I am dating someone.

@Happyone And there is nothing wrong with having needs. The best relationships involve filling each other's needs and not settling for an unfulfilled life.
Don't settle for something that doesn't work for you.

3

You have not mentioned what efforts were made to remedy their issues with medication. I'm assuming you were fair to them by at least talking about using meds. If they turned that down then I think you did all you should have.

Talked extensively about meds or alternative natural remedies but neither followed through. I feel so selfish not being able to look beyond but when I got divorced I swore I would never lose passion.

@Happyone The physical part is as important as the cerebral part to me as well. No problems in that area currently. I plan to keep that going as long as i can then if need be I'll do whatever is medically necessary to be sexually active till my last breath. Lol

0

None of the guys I've been with couldn't get it up. Compatibility is important.

@giggity666 Lol.

4

I won't accept any thing less ever again. I've dumped at least two guys that were bad in bed just for that reason. I figure by the time you're 50 you really, really should have some idea of how to give a woman an orgasm.

I'd always wished I had experimented more, but was from a conservative family. I knew nothing until I broke away from my husband...I had never had an orgasm and he didn't know how to deliver one. You can't teach them, so I've learned. Age has nothing to do with it. Some men are artists at sensuality! You will find him!

3

It's not for everyone (for some reason beyond my comprehension), but ethical non-monogamy in open relationships solves that particular problem.

@Stepmomofdragons Rants are fine with me. I think it's great that there's something for everyone. 🙂 And yes, all relationships require work (and honesty), and I personally require a level of commitment, even with multiple partners. I practiced monogamy for ~ 35 years, but am far happier now.

Thank you for your comment.

9

To clarify from some of the comments. After I divorced I swore I would never lose passion in a relationship. It’s not that I’m not understanding or not willing to work through issues but I have realized that I think this is important for a true lasting relationship.

0

I agree it is important!

I personally believe sex is a joy for both an very important in a relationship, if there’s a problem both need to talk about it and get things to help to please each other if needed!

1

It's wonderful to have intimacy in ones life. I like some kink in my sex life, kind of keeps it fun.

6

Sexual compatibility is really important. If you have to hide or deny your impulses to make it work with someone, it never will. Be open, be yourself, be positive. Perceive and achieve I always say.

You are a very smart man, James!

2

In my opinion a nympho and a prude will find it hard to stay together

you made me laugh out loud! And you are right on!

5

Sex is only one component of overall compatibility. When everything else is great, the sex can and should be amazing, however, sex seldom makes everything else great. It all comes down to what's most important for each couple.

Sex

1

Sensual attraction is number one for me, besides good hygeine and man's ability to dress himself and wear good shoes. Attention to his personal knowledge of who he believes he is important. If you're a cowboy, be Gary Cooper, or James Dean...find your inner self! Find your style, be a rogue, or Clark Gable.

Funny... with all due Respect! That is what I'd been saying to everyone for many years... Find your Mojo, what works for you! At our age, we must be a finished product willing to explore, yes but already whole. Thank You for your post!

2

I think if you truly love eachother you can work around sexual incompatibility. Finding new things, experimenting, figuring it out. Ultimately if you cant, try swinging. That way you both can find what you're wanting, and still keep your relationship strong. I personally don't like the idea of my so sleeping with someone else, but knowing my sexual issues, it wouldn't be entirely off the table, as long as there was a long time of trust and ground rules involved. Being someone who is not the most sexual in nature, I'd prefer finding someone else who has sexual disfunction as well and can get by with maybe twice a month instead of frequently. If, however, we are deeply in love and he just can't get by on once or twice every few weeks, then we will have to sit down and talk about it. I'm mostly up front with my potentials that I am sexually disfunctional and that I am willing to later in the relationship look at ways to get around it.

2

I think it is important... Emotional and intellectual intimacy are awesome but pure physical attraction is essential for the trifecta.

3

For me, if any romantic relationship has any chance of working, sexual compatibility is vital.
Without it, what the hell is the point? You're just friends.

1

Got to be compatible

2

It's important...honestly i can be physically attracted to a woman but if i don't actually have an emotional connection too i don't perform so it could be more mental than physical but then that would still mean there's a compatibility issue

2

Well, after finally having a partner who matched me sexually..mild S&M, gender role switching, fantasy games, dominating and being dominated, costumes, constant play for hours almost daily, I have zero wish to have cis hetero "rabbit sex"-quick as possible, with orgasm as the goal. SO boring I'd rather be single or live platonically.

But I'd like a dance and hiking partner, and since I'm demisexual I can take sex or leave it.

3

I have no interest in being a "bride of christ" to a mortal man. You can be BFFs but for a one on one romantic relationship to work there has to be sexual compatability otherwise there is frustration, resentment, one party feeling pressured and things going to shit. If neither of you are interested in sex that's fine but if one is and the other can't come to the party there's a problem, either you ditch the one on one part or you ditch the relationship or change its nature.

Warning as you get older it gets worse, they talk the talk but in many cases they can't walk the walk.

Kimba Level 7 Mar 30, 2018
1

I think you have to have a similar level of interest as your partner. I've been with people who I was much more interested in sexually than they were interested in me. I've also had the opposite. Neither situation is fun for either person.

3

Be careful what you wish for.
I didn't hit my prime until 40. married to young to a starfish.
Next relationship was great while it lasted, the girl believed she must have been a nympho maniac as no guy could keep up with her. It was awesome.
Sadly, ladies my age now say they have other interests, sex is only ocassional at best, they just are not that interested. I know medication is part of the reason for some. I coudl not go into a relationship with someone who was not compatible in this regards. Though if the relationship was good in other ways, I would no doubt stay if things fell apart n bed. I get offers from younger ladies who voice complaints such as yours, but I am age conscious and prefer someone within about 5 years of my age, either way.
I will expand that for a very active older lady, or a very intelligent younger one, but not my much.

2

Both parties need to be on the same page for sure. Be clear with your expectations, what you don't like and want/need.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:46095
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.