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Thanks to Everyone that responded to my last post about red flags. I have a follow up post based on what I decided. I am not going to date or bother trying to be friends with the guy. BUT I had scheduled a date with him before making that post. For this Friday! Some people suggested ghosting him. I am a person that likes having a sense of closure and finality. I wanted to cancel and tell him why we can no longer talk. But then 2 people mentioned that me giving him the reasons may make him better skilled at manipulating the next woman! And now I am feeling guilty for his next actual victim. I don't know what to do! I want to message but not give him tools to harm future women. Is there a way to end things without teaching him how to be a better skilled asshole?

He didn't apologize for his remark btw.

This was the exchange Me: also, damn how did I miss this about ya? how christian are we talking here? like going to church weekly/monthly? Or just celebrating for holidays? or just cuz you were raised xtian?

Him: Also damn. if you gonna talk to so many guys and get confused and mix up your roster at least be honest. we even talked about it earlier in our chat. you can re read cause you can hold the L on this one πŸ˜‰

Me: No more can you reference who I am talking to or how many. You do, I will do it right back atcha. This is online dating bro. You are talking to more than me and I am talking to more than you. If your ego cannot handle that, then ya gotta leave the online dating world. Cuz that's how things are here. You cannot expect exclusivity from someone before even meeting. come on now!

Him: and lol clearly you werent catching the teasing in all that. judging by your last message there.

silly bear

β€œIf you don’t know me by nowwwww. You will never ever ever know meeee πŸŽΆπŸŽΆπŸŽΆβ€

Original Post here: Hi Everyone,

I am working on trying to identify red flags.

demifeministgal 8 Aug 11
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23 comments

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12

You have to stop thinking that you are responsible for someone else actions.

12

I would suggest keeping it clean and simple. Cancel the date, stating you changed your mind and decided not to pursue this any further. Wish him good luck in his search and good bye.

No more explanation needed. And no hints provided to him on what to do differently next time. Leave him to do his own self-reflection, or not.

10

whatever you do, please remember, you're under no obligation to explain yourself. whatever came up to interfere with your date plans it's personal. no obligation whatsoever.

His issues and being a rude jerk came up. LOL

@demifeministgal he doesn't seem to be a very good listener.

8

I learned years ago to just walk away from a losing situation. Don't worry about closure, just be done and walk away.

Learn that now and save yourself years of figuring it out.

I agree. I have learned this also, after years of figuring it out.

Closure is overrated. "No." is a complete sentence.

6

He has been abusive. Stop. Now. No more contact. The harm you do to other women is by continuing to communicate with him because it emboldens him to be his abusive self with others.

Block him. Move on.

6

It goes: listen, I've decided to give the whole dating thing a miss. I hope you're successful in finding what you need but I don't believe that will be with me. Goodbye
As kevin says, like a bandaid.

5

You cannot change his behavior. The only person you can change and control is yourself.

This works for me:

"I don't think we make a good match. Good luck with your search."

5

My two cents, and my apologies, for saying to block, as my knee jerk response.

Having read the above, I feel you handled yourself, beautifully!

There are red flags, in his responses, very naraccistic ones. No apologies, it's all your fault, and more than mild superiority in tone.

If you feel ok meeting him, do so in as crowed (socially distanced as possible), location. Have a friend go with, nearby, take seperate cars, etc.

You could tell him you don't feel a true connection, and wanted to part as friends, this also works via phone, text, zoom, etc.

I don't know the situation, but from the above, sorry, there does not seem to be a connection. Not trying to hurt you.

Good luck, stay safe. Hugs, you've got this!!

5

It seems to me more like you want a win or gratification than closure.

He is what he is and whatever you do it's not going to change him.

A win? Nothing is won here. On either of our ends. You are mistaken

3

Do not follow what others say. I have childhood friends that I am still in touch with but we are not Facebook friends. The reason is that just like me and my ex wife we have gone in different directions. Ignore so called facts about Online dating. The bottom line here to me is that too many people have a herd mentality.

3

I need to hear both sides to have an opinion either way.

All who are jumping in to offer quick judgements and enjoy juicy dating stories must remember that he is not here to tell his story.

I am not a fan of men or women coming here and telling personal life or dating details and especially one sided stories to seek support, validation of own opinions, assurance that I did not lose or that I was right and that he was wrong or sympathy from others.

If your dating experience did not succeed, learn from it and see where you can calibrate next time.

Just note, describing how women were assholes on a date is not a common post you will find from men.

It was asking about a red flag followed by asking about how to cancel a date with said asshole. Of course you didn't read what I wrote and created your own theories on what I was "really" asking for. Well I was seeking advice and opinions in both posts.

@demifeministgal
Why are you describing your date concluding to blame him when he is not here? Do you like to talk about people on their backs? Is that what you do? Is that right?

I have no way of knowing what happened but also.....

  1. What details you left out
  2. Do you think guys date to be jerks? Is that how they work?
  3. How many dates have you been on?
  4. Why does your profile show a bias or distaste against men or people that they are out to cheat you? Is that your premise before going on a date?
  5. Why do I think you were seeking a validation from members that you won or you were right?
  6. Why does your post look biased and opinionated?

Want red flags? Ask your personal best friend, ask a shrink. Also are you very young like 16 ir 18 and not dated much or know very little? A public platform to ask a dating advice where all discussions along with your profile, photos are indexed is not a smart choice.

There was no date yet. Some people recommended ghosting and blocking him. After we have arranged a date. Somehow I think you'd feel more annoyed at me ghosting and blocking him and standing him up for a date than you would me asking how not to do that.

LOL you are seriously reaching now. I never implied or stated anything about all men. This post and the last are very specific to ONE man and ONE situation. The fact you extrapolated that to all men, means you have gone way beyond my posts and are drawing conclusions and assumptions based on what you think you know about me. hmm interesting

@demifeministgal
Judgements about dating are very personal. What I would like in a woman, what risks I am willing to take will not be similar to what another man would like. If you have doubts, suspicions, not sure... don't proceed. You have a grown up mind but importantly you have an inner voice. Listen to it and stick to it. I have heard women have the sense of feeling the risk that men don't. If you would like to go, meet and find the truth yourself, go and meet him.

These decisions you need to take at work and life many many times. Only you can tell what feels right. Also Google anonymously for common dating flags. There is nobody here very wise and exceptional to advise you correctly although some are acting like one. But please try not to hold a bias, be quick to judge and come off mean by describing a man asshole if you have not met him and do not know enough about him.

@demifeministgal
"....The fact you extrapolated that to all men, means you have gone way beyond my posts ..."

Your profile amd other posts count. Your quickness to judge and blame counts. The readiness to wash dating laundry on a public platform counts. They all count. Being defensive will not help you. I am hitting the bed now. I suggest you ponder tonight. I will come here tomorrow.

I don't have to know you at all. I can or anybody can surmise what you are based on how you articulate, express amd come off here. How you do that is in your hands. We don't have to know how good you otherwise might be. You may be the greatest but I don't see that here.

LOL no they do not count. Because they are completely unrelated to this. If by count you mean you think you have a sense of my personality based on all of the posts you read, then you cannot give me any credible advice. Since you are ignoring what information I present you with and rely solely on your perception of me and will answer anything I ask based on that. Instead of taking posts on a case by case basis. Also, the vast majority of replies were quick to judge and blame. Interestingly, it is mainly other guys that got super defensive or offended on behalf of this random guy online. Almost like you are empathizing with him and can relate to how he talks to women, and in turn, are truly defending yourselves.

@St-Sinner

Dude, don't waste your time.

Notice how nothing is her fault? She admits not even being serious enough about this guy to even be forthcoming with meaningful information about her admitted mental issues. Yet, she's consulting a group of strangers after "dating" someone online for one month?

This ia all about virtue signaling! Something is seriously not right upstairs with this one.

@linxminx

I was going to leave her alone, actually. But she took the opportunity to troll me on a completely unrelated thread. So gloves came off for one post. If she wants smoke, she will get it.

That said, it just so happens that she needs a few people to take the kid gloves off and tell her the truth about her actions and statements going back to her previous post.

Don't be fooled. A lot of these guys responses are completely disingenuous. It's classic behavior by men. Let me bash another guy to get a leg up in the mating race. And I have seen woman all over this site bashing all men for the behavior of one man, and I have yet to see a single female check that behavior.

After she trolled me I now see her behavior and posts in an entirely different light than you might. My antennae are raised. She is trolling this guy, whoever he is, behind his back, and taking advantage of this sites predisposition to bashing men.

I would certainly hope that someone as intelligent and fair-minded as yourself would now have your antennae raised to all these behaviors, hers and the groups, moving forward. But I do get why you took the opportunity to attempt to interject even more sensitivity. Before her trolling I sincerely tried to respond to her with thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

I will just finish with; don't start none, won't be none.

3

Like a bandaid...

3

Here's the original post for those that missed it: Hi Everyone,

I am working on trying to identify red flags.

2

I’ve had women tell me we’re not a good fit and leave it at that. No detail necessary. Just it doesn’t feel right to one or the other of us.

2

I commend @Tinocca's comment to you.

And thanks for keep all of us informed.

1

Be breif and to the point about ending the date. Also, no sex or you will regret it.

I'm a demisexual sex was never even on the table yet with him, after a 1st date or not. Your concerns are not needed in that regard. Thnx

1

I say go all Hela on him.

1

I just skimmed through your original post.

This man is at best, underdeveloped. He is projecting onto you his insecurities and unspoken expectations.

He is indeed toxic. In an absolute sense, you don't owe him any explanation. But I do think keeping it short and simple by saying that he is projecting unspoken or unexplicitly communicated expectations of understanding and acceptance should be good.

domos Level 7 Aug 12, 2020
1

Just be careful

bobwjr Level 10 Aug 12, 2020
1

I still don't see the red flags some people see (based on posts below). He doesn't seem to be the most skilled at communication, and definitely a bit cheesy (assuming he put the song lyrics in there), but that can be a function of non-vocal communication (i.e. text). That said, this doesnt' strike me as having that 'spark'. If I was you, I would just tell him some version of thanks but no thanks. As many have said, you don't need to explain. You could ghost, but I don't see decent humans doing that unless they are genuinely fearful of the person and contact would jeopardize their physical or mental health (in which case, one should strongly consider a restraining order).
No matter which way you go, better luck in the future.

1

What a dick! I would be so much better at this than he is. But I never make it that far.

Your comment made me think of Friends when Ross is intimidated by a woman's nobel prize winning exes and then joey gets the girl and he's all I'm definitely smarter than him! wtf

Here's the script for it: [fanfr.com]

@demifeministgal I never watched Friends, but I gather one guy was smart+honest and the other one was sexy+a player.

0

You could meet him, then put in the β€œfriend zone”. Tell him you are NOT interested in romance with him because you felt no spark. If you meet him, make sure it is a public place and take your own car.

CS60 Level 7 Aug 13, 2020

Not meeting him. Will keep your advice in mind for the future πŸ™‚

0

I don't think there's an easy way out.
Sorry. He's going to be tough to shake.

He's been shaken. πŸ™‚

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