Let's get real here. Its the 21st century. If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, Thats on you. No one is forcing you to stay married.

Furthermore to be quite frank if your own wife doesn't want your dick, you're probably not giving good dick in the first place. Who wants bad dick?

Also lets talk about expecting someone else to accept half a relationship, where they KNOW they're just being used. Hell no. Be honest and go hire a prostitute. At least she's certain to get SOMETHING out of the deal.

If she knows about it and agrees to it, then IMO it's OK. But if you have to hide it, it is wrong.

Are you referring to a secret affair or an open one? I have learned through lots of recriminations that I am far from the center in my opinions on this topic. If the affair involves lying than it is wrong. Otherwise it is up to the couple to determine the parameters of their relationship.

I personally feel it is wrong. Especially in my case when the whore I married slept with my twin brother. Lots of hurt feelings

I have to ask the question.... "Is a marriage always right?" Sorry, not passing judgement.

When I was younger I saw things as more black and white, right or wrong. As I've gotten older I realize that things are instead, a million shades of grey. If you are being dishonest or having to hide your actions and if you are doing something your partner would not approve of, I think that constitutes cheating...and I don't think it has to be just a sexual relationship, it can be an emotional affair as well. The reasons why it sometimes happens is where things get muddled for me. We are sexual beings. We need touch, intimacy, release. I think the best policy is open communication, being able to talk to your partner and hopefully coming up with a compromise...but I also realize that it's often complicated. I don't like affairs as a whole. I think we owe it to our partners to try to communicate and solve the problem together... but I'm not going to judge someone who is having or has had them because I haven't really walked in their shoes.

No, an affair is not always wrong.
I was seperated yet lived in the same house as my ex for 6 years, during that time I did not have another relationship.
I have as friends an elderly couple,they are in their 90s and have been married for 70 years.
At about 20, while engaged to be married they were in a horrific car crash that left them both with major problems. They married regardless but have never been able to have sex, and the husband has zero interest. They never had sex before marriage either. Somewhere 40-50 years into their marriage the wife had a brief affair, her only ever sexual encounter, she just wanted to be able to experience sex.
I do not know if they have since discussed it, she confided in me about 12 years back, and a few years later he mentioend it, just that he knew she had, or perhaps guessed she had.

I do not see anything wrong.

I'm thinking it may be wrong to have the wife.

Yup. If the spouse is ok with a side piece then it is not an affair.

Why are you asking us?

Looking for permission?

No, an affair (or any kind of extra marital sex) isn't always wrong. It depends entirely on the circumstances. There are some in which it's justified.

The trouble with this question is that people project their own insecurities and bad past experiences onto anyone who asks it. If only the worst kind of person would ever cheat, then their partner would never cheat because they're not the worst kind of person. Which makes it all the more surprising when they do. Meanwhile, those with unresolved issues over being cheated on find it a tremendous opportunity to vent.

People think it's so easy to walk away from a marriage, a house and kids. A situation that might still be functional but for the fact that the sex no longer works. Your partner might find sex painful or traumatic. It might be physically impossible for them at this point of their lives. Which is more selfish? Cheating on a partner, or putting your kids in a single parent family situation because you need to get your leg over?

So ideally, you negotiate an open relationship. You sit down and discuss that your needs aren't being met and try to find a way forward. But in some cases, that's easier said than done. Do they need to know you're finding that intimacy that they can no longer provide with someone else? This is one of those situations where everyone thinks they'd want to know, until they do, at which point, many wish they didn't.

As someone who's always been able to detach sex from love, I really don't get the concept of monogamy beyond its practical applications in reducing risk of sexually transmitted infection. But we're taught that the two are intertwined, and that if you love someone, you shouldn't want to be anything other than sexually exclusive with them. This isn't a true reflection on human nature. It simply panders to society's (and religion's) breeding programme.

I believe that denying a human adult with a healthy sex drive the opportunity to seek consensual sex amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. If your partner isn't willing to meet a reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy (say at least a couple of times a month, assuming that you're cohabiting) then I think it's perfectly reasonable to seek an outlet elsewhere, without their express permission to do so.

I've walked in those shoes. I was with a partner who suffered from depression, and whose 'kick the cat' approach to it largely revolved around transferring her misery on to me. One exceptionally effective way of doing that was to withhold sex for several months at a time. We typically had sex 3 to 4 time a year, when she decided to instigate it. If I ever tried, it was made very clear that I was ruining any chance I had of it happening any time in the near future.

I'm not a fan of the word 'always'.
I think that there is usually at least one instance that will disprove whatever the word 'always' is being used to express (although not always....).

Regarding this specific questions, I would have to agree with most of the comments. The issue isn't the affair, as much as it is the dishonesty and lies.
• If, for whatever reason, the marriage is being continued for reasons other than intimacy AND both parties agree, then I don't see a problem.
• If (and this is a terrible situation to consider, but here we go anyway...) by some crazy accident or happenstance one of the partners (in this case the wife) is unable to participate in intimacy... terrible accident, is now paralyzed, hooked up to a bunch of machines, in a coma, some crazy illness where intimacy is now impossible... but life continues... and for whatever reason, love, guilt, loyalty, the marriage isn't going to be terminated... after 6 years... I could certainly understand an affair.

Legally. Yes. Morally. Yes. Ethically. Maybe. Philosophically. Depends. Existentially. No.

Somebody, perhaps lots of people, are going to be hurt. If, in 20 years, you will be happy about the way they are still scarred by your actions of not being able to Not be sneaky & underhanded, go for it.
Oh, and if you think lying and sneaking will somehow change you for the better, even if the crap never hits the fan, you are delusional.
Be honest always

Only if you have an open marriage.

Without her knowledge and consent....yes

It is always wrong if you are not in an open marriage. If the sex is gone and you are looking at others you need to leave your partner first. Having an affair is selfish and evil. It is not only hurtful to your partner but on the off chance that you get something and then have sex with your partner, you have taken their life into your hands and you do not have that right. I have been married 3 times and all of my marriages were sexless, not by my choice, but I never once cheated. I left instead.

This is very insightful. Inspiring even. I don't think monogamy has to exist in relationships if honest communication is expressed between both people. Or all people involved in a polyamorous theatre, because, be honest, that's a soap opera in the making just by existence.
But that leads to another dimension of this very gray area of sexuality. If you feel attracted enough to have sex with someone else than the partner you've vowed to stay true to, haven't you already cheated? Even thoughts are cheating? Probably...
Relativity in sex is so hard to define. Certainly objective thought plays a big part in why monogamy is the norm. Stability of family and disease prevention being an enormous factor after the first and subsequent wars in Europe. Single family homes and the feminist movement changed the structure and so today we have three generations of adult women who have had a much different social structure and a completely different sense of sexuality than their mothers and grandmothers lived with. Nobody brought a rule book and there's no volunteers to write one that doesn't have a cross or some other religious logo to put it into print. It sells just fine in those book clubs.

My experience with this topic, and boy do I have a lot, comes down to three questions. How is your relationship with yourself? how is your relationship with your spouse? How is your relationship with your person on the side?

If you are not comfortable with yourself, if you have low self-esteem, unresolved issues, or you just do not know why you do the things you do, then yes, an affair is always wrong. You are going to get hurt. Badly. Guilt, self-loathing, and poor life choices are in your future. No matter the situation at home, you will suffer. If you are truly self actualized, and/or you have made unprecedented strides in thereapy, then move on to the questions in 2. (Parenthetical answers are red flags)
Does your spouse know? (No) Do you care? (Yes) Can you imagine them finding out and being a better person for it? (No) would you be better If the table was turned? (No) it an open relationship? (No) Is it really? (Well...) Truly, as in you have discussed it? (No)
Question 3 issues (parenthetical answer are red flags):
Do you know his/her name? (No) Are either one of you under the influence? (Yes) if you don't already, Do you want to know his/her name? (Yes) Is it a friend? (Yes) Can you really just be "sex friends"? (No) Are you in love with the object of your affection? (Yes) Are they in love with you? (Yes)

I think honesty is mor eimportan than monogamy. When it comes to the details, each couple needs to work those out for themselves.

In short, a person whoudl discuss this with their spouse, instead of looking to others outside ofhte relationship for advice.

For me, it is "Always be as honest as you are able."

You should ask your wife what she thinks.

I believe that if a person cheats on some one who they claim to love,is morally wrong ,and oh so very hurtful.
whats the sese of being with some one if your going to wind up cheating on them.

As a 61 year old man, yes it is always wrong. first off, I feel that you are cheating yourself most of all. if you put the effort into being a great lifepartner, then you should not need to go outside of the relationship. but I believe that living up to a moral code is important for me.it is all about being honset with yourself most of all. now life changes people and over the long haul that quirk of your partner can get vexsome. but if it was there the whole time, you chose unwisely..
from my experience, our society has let being a solid person slide a little too much. but like I say I am an older man, and was raised to live to a certain manner of treating the fair sex. I never cheated in my marriages or relationships and will never cheat. I have to live with myself.

I believe in polyamory. I don’t even think that the law should have any involvement in personal relationships. Go back in time and you will see when outsiders started making it their place to get in between a couple and there are no pure motives.
There have actually been cases where affairs have been good for a relationship or marriage.
Relieve yourself of a guilt that is put upon you by society and conditioned your spouse to treat you like a piece of property that should be owned.
I’m sorry for your lack of intimacy for whatever reason it has occurred.