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Is an affair always wrong????

If you haven't been intimate with your wife in 6 years is it wrong to have an affair?

Runabout1952 4 Apr 12
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0

Let's get real here. Its the 21st century. If you find yourself in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, Thats on you. No one is forcing you to stay married.

Furthermore to be quite frank if your own wife doesn't want your dick, you're probably not giving good dick in the first place. Who wants bad dick?

Also lets talk about expecting someone else to accept half a relationship, where they KNOW they're just being used. Hell no. Be honest and go hire a prostitute. At least she's certain to get SOMETHING out of the deal.

@kenriley nobody. Trust me.

@kenriley lol

10

If she knows about it and agrees to it, then IMO it's OK. But if you have to hide it, it is wrong.

Seems obvious, right?

The only exception I can think of (to this reply) is a partner in the hospital with dementia (or comatose) who you don't want to divorce. That might be a grey area. For some people.

Otherwise it's a discussion you need to have. See a Dr see a therapist. And talk.

@RavenCT As I was scrolling through the comments, I was thinking about my brother-in-law. A very nice man who unfortunately developed a form of dementia which has all the symptoms of Alzheimer's, but without rapid physical deterioration. This was five years ago and he now lives in a long-term care facility. My sister loves him very much and visits him every week, She is not going to divorce him, and he could live another 30 years. He no longer recognizes her, never speaks, and rarely even opens his eyes. Under these circumstances, I would not characterize any relationship as "an affair."

@PappyOnWings People can live quite a while with dementia and that's why it came to mind. They don't have the faculties to be asked and it won't matter one whit to them.

I'm very sorry for your sister.

My sister has a husband with advanced Parkinson's and is still trying to keep him out of a care faculty. I think she's going to ruin her own health doing it. But his mind is still very much there.

3

Are you referring to a secret affair or an open one? I have learned through lots of recriminations that I am far from the center in my opinions on this topic. If the affair involves lying than it is wrong. Otherwise it is up to the couple to determine the parameters of their relationship.

1

I personally feel it is wrong. Especially in my case when the whore I married slept with my twin brother. Lots of hurt feelings

Doesn't it take two whores?

Ouch.

5

I'm thinking it may be wrong to have the wife.

haha

Or husband

2

No, an affair is not always wrong.
I was seperated yet lived in the same house as my ex for 6 years, during that time I did not have another relationship.
I have as friends an elderly couple,they are in their 90s and have been married for 70 years.
At about 20, while engaged to be married they were in a horrific car crash that left them both with major problems. They married regardless but have never been able to have sex, and the husband has zero interest. They never had sex before marriage either. Somewhere 40-50 years into their marriage the wife had a brief affair, her only ever sexual encounter, she just wanted to be able to experience sex.
I do not know if they have since discussed it, she confided in me about 12 years back, and a few years later he mentioend it, just that he knew she had, or perhaps guessed she had.

I do not see anything wrong.

@Runabout1952 Only slightly surprised, I know many are. Still thought there would be more guys though.

5

When I was younger I saw things as more black and white, right or wrong. As I've gotten older I realize that things are instead, a million shades of grey. If you are being dishonest or having to hide your actions and if you are doing something your partner would not approve of, I think that constitutes cheating...and I don't think it has to be just a sexual relationship, it can be an emotional affair as well. The reasons why it sometimes happens is where things get muddled for me. We are sexual beings. We need touch, intimacy, release. I think the best policy is open communication, being able to talk to your partner and hopefully coming up with a compromise...but I also realize that it's often complicated. I don't like affairs as a whole. I think we owe it to our partners to try to communicate and solve the problem together... but I'm not going to judge someone who is having or has had them because I haven't really walked in their shoes.

You touch on some interesting (to me) nuance of this question. Sure we, or anybody else, can judge that cheating is wrong. But... so is much of the behavior on the part of the other spouse, which in many cases is a major cause of the cheating. Not the only cause, but a factor. For instance, abuse, abandonment, cheating in the first place, etc. It's my opinion that more partners need to own their own part of the problem and have some mercy on the other. I write from experience in this issue, so I'm not being a hypocrite. I am in a happy marriage that has endured issues that have split up other couples. Those issues were minor enough, to us, that we just dealt with the source(s) of the problem, forgave and moved on. Of course, there are major issues that should split a marriage.
In any case, cheating is a very frequent human activity. That doesn't make it right, but I think it is worth trying to understand why.

No one deserves to be cheated on. A cheater has agency and is responsible for their own behavior. If a person is in an unhappy marriage they can 1. Get counseling to work things out or 2. Get a divorce

2

I have to ask the question.... "Is a marriage always right?" Sorry, not passing judgement.

I'd go even further and asking is marriage even necessary nowadays?

@AdriaBack I did it once. Lasted 19 years and gave me 3 children. I wanted all my children born in marriage. Mission accomplished. No longer a requirement but I can never say never... after all I don't believe in aliens from outer space. But she is going to have to ask me nicely and with convincing argument. Your Rationale is well Understood and in tune with the times we live in.

5

Why are you asking us?

Looking for permission?

3

Yup. If the spouse is ok with a side piece then it is not an affair.

2

No, an affair (or any kind of extra marital sex) isn't always wrong. It depends entirely on the circumstances. There are some in which it's justified.

The trouble with this question is that people project their own insecurities and bad past experiences onto anyone who asks it. If only the worst kind of person would ever cheat, then their partner would never cheat because they're not the worst kind of person. Which makes it all the more surprising when they do. Meanwhile, those with unresolved issues over being cheated on find it a tremendous opportunity to vent.

People think it's so easy to walk away from a marriage, a house and kids. A situation that might still be functional but for the fact that the sex no longer works. Your partner might find sex painful or traumatic. It might be physically impossible for them at this point of their lives. Which is more selfish? Cheating on a partner, or putting your kids in a single parent family situation because you need to get your leg over?

So ideally, you negotiate an open relationship. You sit down and discuss that your needs aren't being met and try to find a way forward. But in some cases, that's easier said than done. Do they need to know you're finding that intimacy that they can no longer provide with someone else? This is one of those situations where everyone thinks they'd want to know, until they do, at which point, many wish they didn't.

As someone who's always been able to detach sex from love, I really don't get the concept of monogamy beyond its practical applications in reducing risk of sexually transmitted infection. But we're taught that the two are intertwined, and that if you love someone, you shouldn't want to be anything other than sexually exclusive with them. This isn't a true reflection on human nature. It simply panders to society's (and religion's) breeding programme.

I believe that denying a human adult with a healthy sex drive the opportunity to seek consensual sex amounts to cruel and unusual punishment. If your partner isn't willing to meet a reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy (say at least a couple of times a month, assuming that you're cohabiting) then I think it's perfectly reasonable to seek an outlet elsewhere, without their express permission to do so.

I've walked in those shoes. I was with a partner who suffered from depression, and whose 'kick the cat' approach to it largely revolved around transferring her misery on to me. One exceptionally effective way of doing that was to withhold sex for several months at a time. We typically had sex 3 to 4 time a year, when she decided to instigate it. If I ever tried, it was made very clear that I was ruining any chance I had of it happening any time in the near future.

4

Absent any more details... Yeah, it’s wrong.

1

Lying

6

Personally, I do not believe monogamy is natural behavior.
That said, if you promised to be faithful when you took your wedding vows, then YES it
is absolutely wrong to have an affair. If you want to have sex with your wife again, it might
be time to consult a marriage counselor.
If you want to have sex with someone else, get a divorce first.
If you have an affair, that makes you a cheating asshole.

6

Lying to deceive always wrong. If you don't have to lie about it, then probably not wrong. Always is pretty subjective

12

End one relationship before you start another.

7

Have you thought about the ground rules/boundaries you want to operate within in order to date other people?

Have you discussed opening up your marriage? Is your partner agreeable to you having other sex partners?

If you answer "no" to any of these then yes, its wrong, in my opinion. That said, have you considered exactly what type of relationsjip you will be looking for? Friends with benefits? a strict sexual relationship? dating with intention to create a relationship? A committed secondary relationship with emotional connection to add to your existing primary relationship? There is a lot here to consiser before you even open this topic of conversation with your spouse. (Edited to correct typos. )

4

It makes more sense to evaluate your marriage to see if there's anything about it you want to preserve, and whether that outweighs having sex. If sex is more important, then tell your wife your thoughts, then if she still doesn't want to change or see a counselor or doctor, take steps to move out and find someone else.

Chances are, she's bored with you anyway and secretly hoping for a way to escape.

4

Sometimes an affair happens before we have our own moral values set. But, after that, we need to honor our core values or we loose face with our self. I can't make that decision for others...each one of us must live solely with our private self. That is what matters to me. I don't want to do things that I must hide, worried if they were ever found out...I would lose 'face' and others could be hurt, too!

5

Get a divorse and then go crazy. But cheatig within a marriage is anathrma to me. You are violating a contract.

7

Dishonesty is always wrong. I've always said I'd rather someone hurt me with the truth than lie to me.

4

If you haven't been intimate with your wife for 6 years but wanted to be then there is something wrong and you should talk about it. if that doesn't work you should go your separate ways.

4

After 6 years an affair with your wife is legit

3

An affair is always wrong, no matter the situation.

3

Dishonesty is not always wrong. That is easy to debunk. Like hiding Jews from the Nazis.
Cheating on a marriage is wrong though. Be honest about your situation. It may be your spouse would welcome or at least explore an open arrangement. If not, you may need to split and find a more suitable mate.

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