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Reasons to Remain Single

"Anyone who lives alone and manifests no longing to be in a relationship is – in our times – almost automatically (though more or less secretly) viewed as both pitiable and deeply troubled. It’s simply not thought possible to be at once alone and normal."

I've been single by choice for 8 years and have very much enjoyed it. I don't consider myself ill-suited for commitment. I just like being able to do my own thing.

These years of singleness have been a necessary season and the first time in my adult life that I've been in a situation where I'm not always having to think of someone else's needs and putting my own on the back burner.

Someday I may be in a committed relationship again, but it won't be because I'm lonely or succumbed to societal pressure. IMO, when people are looking for a partner for those reasons, they tend to make compatibility compromises they'll later regret.

If you're single, do you enjoy it? If so, why? If not, why?

By VictoriaNotes9
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15

I'll always remember the story of a lady who's SO lived 1/4 mile away across an open field, out in the country. She said it was the perfect situation. Close enough to send him home to watch football, but not too far away to go in the middle of the night in her nightgown.

I can definitely relate.

Love it. There's a growing movement of living apart together (LAT).

Now I might be able to handle a relationship like this.

I like that

@VictoriaNotes I could so do that.

@patchoullijulie Me, too.

Ideal situation in my opinion!

perfect indeed!

14

I consider my single status a gift, to both myself and any future relationships I may have. Meeting my own needs, heeding my own inner voice, and navigating my own life has given me both confidence and deeper appreciation for others.

You said it so much better than I did.

13

I don't want to put up with anyone else's bullshit, and no one should have
to put up with mine.

KKGator Level 9 June 2, 2018
11

Yes, I have been single by choice for about a decade. I got so tired of meeting everyone else's needs while mine got ignored by everyone including me. I absolutely love it but I would also love to find a partner that values personal freedom as much as I do. I have no desire to be needed again. I want someone that is complete without me but enjoys my company so much that we want to spend time together. Separate homes! I miss sex these days because I have also been celibate and do sometimes fantasize about having a love life again but I LOVE my mess being mine and only mine. No disputes over well anything! I want a lover but will never commit to anyone for life again. If we are happy for life, it will last that long but no way am I staying in a cage.

Have I said already that I like the way you think?...well, I've just did ?

"I have no desire to be needed again. I want someone that is complete without me but enjoys my company so much that we want to spend time together."

^This.

@IamNobody I do believe you have mentioned it before but I don't mind hearing it again.

@CreativelyMe see, I like that too !!!! .... Isn't that something???

yes, CreativelyMe, you put into words what i would wish for in a lover. else i'd rather have none.

@IamNobody Might explain the connection we are developing. Or is that just me?

@walklightly I agree that or nothing at all.

@CreativelyMe Nope, not just you. This is a two way street

10

I just found this!

Gotta say, that's funny....maybe I am the one for me too..... ?????

Hahahahaha --- I love it!

8

Agreed.

Is that statement not awfully cynical? It reminds me of the teenage years where one failure means everything similar is a failure, and should be avoided until the end of days. My brother too: one woman rejected him, and ALL the world's problems is because of women. Isn't it myopic by stuffing everyone into a pigeonhole some may not deserve? Would not this philosophy project fatal negativity into a budding relationship to make sure it would fail, to perpetuate the philosophy?

@Highway-Starr Yes,it could be taken the wrong way,I use sarcasm a lot,maybe a warped view of life perhaps.

7

At almost 60, I have been unattached for all but 18 years.
Would love to be in a good relationship, but rather be single than n a bad one.

Rugglesby Level 8 June 2, 2018

Hear hear!!

7

I'm single for 21 years this time. Like it because I am free to do whatever I choose, buy whatever I buy, change my mind whenever I like. My days and nights at home are peaceful, no arguments. I get to spend more time on myself, such as long bathroom time, getting dressed for an hour, doing long hair and make up. I can eat whatever I want, decorate how I like, sleep as long as I like. Life alone can be simple & easy. Those are a few reasons I enjoy being single.

My Nana (grandmother) was widowed twice by the time she was 45. She never remarried and lived close to a 100 years. She diligently dedicated 25 years to her 5 children and 2 husbands, which entailed many sacrifices on her part. Her own needs, dreams, and aspirations were put on the back burner. Nana loved being single. She spent the rest of her life following her bliss.

6

I enjoy being single. My last two boyfriends wanted to get married or, at the least, move in together, but I like living alone. I was married for 25 years, had a live-in relationship for about seven, and I know what it takes to live with someone. My ex BF (we are still friends) stayed with me three weeks last summer when he was moving from a house to an apartment, and it drove me nuts to have him in the house. He did nothing obnoxious, but just knowing that he was in the house bothered me.

I eat when and what I want, I go where and and when I want, my money is my money and I do not have to consult anyone about how I spend it, and I sleep on whichever side of the bed I want to sleep on.

6

I have been single for 50 years after a divorce from my 1 and only marriage and I have lived alone for over 40 years. It is my lifestyle that I prefer and enjoy, giving me the freedom to live as I choose and associate with whomever I choose. If I had stayed with A, I never would have met B, if I had stayed with B, I never would have met C, on through the alphabet. Your mileage may vary.

jlynn37 Level 8 June 2, 2018

you win, I divorced 25 years ago, and last live in was 14 years ago.

@Rugglesby I did have a lady live with me for 2 years, that was 40 years ago and I told myself "no more". I have had LOTS of women in my life as a single man, but none living with me.

6

I rather be single than be in a bad relationship. With that said, I would like to be paired up with someone with similar interests and capabilities.

Bill165 Level 5 June 2, 2018
5

Vicoria, I always find enough time to read and absorb your posts! While I am single with the same sentiments you have in your last two paragraphs (less the stated questions). Now, I would like to have someone special in my life with whom I can share mutual interests. That doesn't mean marriage or a "live-in" situation. One of my big emotional issues is SOME women's tendency to control. I've grown out of that and have broken off a friendship with a woman due to her "need" to always correct or qualify what I say. You say it very well, "Someday I may be in a committed relationship again, but it won't be because I'm lonely or succumbed to societal pressure." Yes, there is a built-in desire for mutual admiration. The impulse not to be alone is deadly. I've been married and felt lonely, that's misery!!

"I always find enough time to read and absorb your posts!"

That means a lot to me. Thank you!

"One of my big emotional issues is SOME women's tendency to control."

Being with someone who wants to correct and control is the pits. In both my marriages (been widowed and divorced), the men believed it was their God-given right to have the rule over me (Genesis 3:16), and that it was my duty to submit (Ephesians 5:22 ). They weren't that way in the beginning -- during the honeymoon period. I should have lived with them first, well after the honeymoon period, before getting married. Live and learn.

@VictoriaNotes As I see my father's behavior with my experience in psychotherapy, he needed something to support his insecurity. Within the Catholic faith, there are those tenants that the wife be subservient to the husband. His insecurity drove him to speak with the parish priest with the idea, I'm sure, of getting my mother to be more "dutiful" in her behavior toward him. I was told by my mother the priest's reply was, "Walter leave Dolly alone!" In other words, sometimes(??) men are insecure little boys inside. Christianity tells them that they are correct in controlling their spouse as a sign of submission/love. (What could be more BS?!?!? How F**ng archaic?!?!? The idea that modern man has to lean on writings several thousands of years old, is lunacy!!)

5

Some people are perfectly happy being single. I know of quite a few. Some people feel the need to be with another but then have bad experiences and decide it is better being alone and not having to deal with other's problems. Some people have good relationships and are happy. Everyone is different.

My Nana was happily married (and widowed) twice. She had good relationships, but she found the most fulfillment being single. Choosing to be single doesn't mean one had past bad relationships. I agree everyone is different.

@VictoriaNotes We've been around this before and part of me agrees. I would add people and circumstances are different. One can have both if each covets alone time and is able to get it. I discovered this in my last relationship and it made a big difference in my attitude about this issue.

@JackPedigo "One can have both if each covets alone time and is able to get it."

I agree, but it also entails much more than a mutual desire to have alone time.

@VictoriaNotes I agree and alone time is only a part of the equation. We have been around this issue so many times. I gave your posting some more thought and will post some more of my ideas.

5

Yup. Me, too. I've been single since 2010 and it's been GREAT.

4

I am in a relationship but feel nicely single - Its not that I want anyone else its just that we get along okay in our own way we see each other at dinner time 1.00.p.m then talk a bit then leave nad get together again to watch a film or series from 7.pm to 9 p.m - we don't do coupley things together,we just enjoy each other when we see each other.

jacpod Level 8 June 4, 2018
4

I completely understand your post. I got married a long time ago. I was 25 years old and getting married was mostly out of lust for the woman I was with. That's really not a reason to get married and it didn't work out in the end. I have been by myself for 3.5 years now. It's not a terrible place to be, but there are times I get lonely and desire a woman's company.

balou Level 8 June 4, 2018

I get lonely too desiring another's company

Balfour....I feel this way too. I love being independent and living alone but if someone comes along and we can accept each other's differences and enjoy each other's company, have the same beliefs...I'm all for having a peaceful relationship.

4

I've been single since I separated from my 2nd wife in 2006. The toxicity in the marital home because of her children made living there any longer impossible.
In all this time since, I have yet to find out what's so great about being single. I'm not egotistical enough that I have to have things my way all the time. Now I choose not to remarry for various reasons that are not related to fear of commitment. If the circumstances were right, I'd remarry in a heartbeat. I quite enjoy being in a loving committed relationship with an intelligent non-selfish caring attractive woman. I miss the cuddling on the sofa watching a movie. I love the scent of a woman with good hygiene. I miss intimacy. I miss waking up in the morning with her in my arms and that she desires and craves those feelings as much as I do. Life is meant to be shared, in my humble opinion. To me, I don't see the point in doing so many things if I don't have anyone to share them with. So I've been single now for over 12 years, but it's not by choice. It's been the lack of not finding the right woman who desires to share her life and be adored by a tender loving man who cares deeply about her and is diligent about the importance of allowing her the alone times that everyone needs occasionally, but NOT 100% of the time. Sexual compatibility and attitudes about intimacy will make or break any good relationship so both partners should remain having an open mind. Compromise is key to a good relationship with neither one feeling like they have to have everything their way, cause I certainly don't feel that way. In summary, I can live quite content being alone, I just don't desire to.

4

I've been married and divorced twice, but still lived most of my adult life alone. I've also never lived with a woman I was not married to. I have now lived alone for 32 years of my adult life, before, after and in between my two marriages. I've always done well on my own, but it wasn't always by choice. I'm a very affectionate guy, even if it didn't involve sex, so while I desired to be coupled, it really didn't make a difference, because I was just not meeting anyone. I also did not want to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons, or just to avoid being alone. The older I get, the more I feel the need and desire to spend my time with someone special. Being alone at my age ain't all it's cracked up to be.

All that being said, I have an excellent book recommendation for you, if you're interested. The book I found so very interesting shortly after my first wife and I separated, is titled, "Love, Sex, And Aging" A Consumer's Union Report. It is a fascinating study into the lives and behavior of people as they age, and how they confront and deal with the challenges of aging, including loneliness, finances, health issues, death of a spouse, meeting sexual needs, etc., etc. And, it is filled with very personal stories of how people dealt with these challenges. The report was completed in the 1980s, but I'm sure people today are still dealing with these same issues. I think Amazon has it if you're interested.

Taladad Level 8 June 2, 2018

Thank you for the book recommendation.

4

Is being single the same as being alone? Because I'm miserably alone. I have single friends who go out and have physical relationships. I try to convince myself that such things aren't necessary. But even the lowliest monkey gets groomed by his troupe.

Sorry brother...

"Is being single the same as being alone?"

I don't think so. I guess it depends on how you define alone. As Amy (AMGT) so well put it, being single doesn't mean that there's a lack of intimacy and intimacy doesn't necessarily have to be physical/sexual. I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. *hug*

I think it is only natural to want physical closeness/intimacy, even for males after a certain length of time, which probably varies widely between individuals. I know women want sex with connection/commitment (and I do for the most part too), but I when the connection doesn't seem to be eminent (that fear again I guess), I wish casual sex was not looked upon so harshly.

@Seeker55 That's what I'm wishing now, as I have no outlet for my pent-up affection. The marriage I ended a couple years ago was 99% sexless...so in aggregate, I've had sex once since 2010, and I'll never get those years back. As I age I understand (and fear) the expiration date for intercourse sex might be approaching coupled with my dating pool being mostly postmenopausal women that carry cleavers in their purses. I do not want to go through my end-run without having all the lovely touch sensations of a sexual experience again. But it isn't up to me alone.

3

Yes. I do enjoy doing as I like. I would very much love the occasional dinner date or companion to go to a movie. Or, after enough time has passed and trust developed, a friend with "benefits." But I am not eager to open up my home and hand over my heart again.

Deb57 Level 8 June 7, 2018
3

I'm single by choice for the most part. I do enjoy it for most part. However, I do want find a special someone to spend the rest of life with. No matter what there gender might be. That one of the reasons I'm on this website.

freedom41 Level 8 June 4, 2018
3

Probably best to experience both, jumping from relationship to relationship because you're afraid to be alone isn't better than being single out of fear of intimacy. I was single for a few years and made an informed choice that I wanted to be in a nuclear family and was willing to make the compromises that demanded.

Buttercup Level 7 June 4, 2018
3

In the beginning the speaker says, ”joining couples for the right reason, because they love another person” The speaker then goes on to say ”Romantic love is a dangerous illusion” I see most relationships start that way but don’t stay there. They change and that change can be more stabilizing and satisfying.

”No one thinks their partner is terrific after a while” Many do end up in mediocracy. But once aware of this, the pair can try to change and sometimes having separate lives helps. To me, being single and doing the same things day in and day out is also mediocre. It may open some doors but it also closes some. Having another partner also opens doors to experiences one normally wouldn’t have when alone. I have been there

”We aren’t sane enough to be in a relationship”. Relationships can and are often frustrating. That is unavoidable. The answer is to try and learn and grow and understand another. Communication and caring are the keys. Success, to me, means understanding and working with another to make things work. Sometimes emotion needs to take a backseat to reason especially when one is trying

”Being alone means not inflicting yourself on others”. I find that having a pretty low opinion on oneself. We should all have something to give. Baggage should be downplayed because it tends to bring one down except when it can lead in understanding and knowledge to from past mistakes.
Relationships spoil love” I agree any relationship, single or together can get old. Sometimes it takes the loss of on for the other to fully appreciate what one had. I also agree it is wise to not rush in or out of a situation.

One can get into any kind of rut, single, couples, family, friends or habits. One rut is not necessarily better than another. I called my late partner, partner for a reason. I don’t need or want a mother or maid. I want a partner with her own wants, interests and, above all time. There is no reason why, especially as one has reached a certain stage of life can’t have it all: single, team mates, lover, confidant and sharer. One only has to identify what desire from the outset and strive for it.

Thanks for your summary and opinions. I appreciate your taking the time to share in such detail. When referring to the speaker: ”Being alone means not inflicting yourself on others”.

You wrote: "I find that having a pretty low opinion on oneself."

I respectfully disagree. For example, some people chose to not become parents because they are aware that they are not cut out to be parents, and if they had children due to caving to social pressures (or even hormones), they could very possibly have a negative impact on their offspring which could lead to attachment disorders in children and abuse. The world would be a better place if more people made such decisions to abstain from reproducing. I applaud people who make choices like this. I don't see it being indicative of low self-esteem.

It's indicative of knowing who one is, what one wants/needs and doesn't want/needs and being aware of one's limitations. Like he mentioned, it's an act of kindness and a sign of maturity. I agree.

That being said, choosing to remain single for whatever reason doesn't mean the person has inner emotional turmoil, i.e., "baggage." It means they know what they want and don't what. It's being true to oneself.

@VictoriaNotes Victoria, I agree with you especially about deciding to be childfree. Again, a lot of complexities and exceptions. Communication styles are also tricky. Thank you for responding.

@VictoriaNotes sho nuff! Sure ya right....

3

If it's working for you, great.

But that's not me. I'm divorced for a year and a half now. Not liking it. I'm lonely and I have passed up on a lot of things that would be fun to do with a companion but are not fun alone, and the greater economic flexibility to do those things which derives from having a second income in the household. I miss , cuddling, cooking for one another and doing dishes together, shopping together for the next week's food, having walks and encouragement to exercise.

Some people may not need or even want those things. But that's not the life I want.

All those things are lovely, but it takes two to make a long-term relationship successful. I'm not interested in a relationship where I end up having to do most of the work and compromises to keep the relationship going. Been there done that. It was exhausting. It may have to do with the Southern culture I live in, and the fact that most men here are conservative Christians who've been indoctrinated to believe that women were made for them and should submit to their husbands in everything. I'm not willing to sacrifice my autonomy for cuddles and a second income.

"neither was man created for woman, but woman for man."
(1 Corinthians 11:9)

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything." (Ephesians 5:22-33)

JFC if those are the only sorts of guys you meet no wonder you'd prefer to stay single.

There are respectful men out there who see their female mates as peers, equals, and partners, I assure you.

3

great clip, especially the visuals smile001.gif

after having entered into one relationship after the other for 35 years with overlaps more often than not, & often having felt abandoned, ill-treated or lonely, i have been living a solitary life now for the past 12 years - & i like it. there are moments, mostly towards the end of a day, when i feel lonely. i occasionally experience a lack of physical attention & affection (not necessarily sex), & i realize that the company of another can widen my horizon & challenge my courage more than i can do myself. all these little shortcomings aren't sufficient yet to have me craving a relationship. if it happens, my mind, my arms & my heart are open, but i'd rather that he keeps his personal space & i'll have mine smile001.gif

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