I get it; I really get it

This will be my 4th Christmas without Linda. And the first I will spend alone. I have been traveling from northern California to Ohio and Tennessee to visit my children and grand children and great grandchildren. But this year I won't be going and they are not coming here. And, like others posting here, it will be just another day.
But we have to go on because we live. We have our memories and mementos and grief. But we cannot allow those to overwhelm us. Those around us want us to want us to be happy because it makes them feel good. They want normalcy. I give presents because I can but ask nothing in return. I have all the stuff I need and they cannot bring back the thing I want any more than I can.
I can emphasize and only tell you that it is OK to grieve. And to let those around you know that you need the space and understanding to do so. Most will honor your request.

It sucks! I just want to hide away.

Holidays are hard because you spent so much time defining those days as a couple. When Matt died, my children were still young so I had to continue to build those definitions but without their father. Concentrating on that kept me from being too maudlin then.

Now, alone, I try to keep my own traditions, my own happiness at holidays. If I wish to celebrated, I do. If I choose to take up work so others might celebrate, I do that. I am much further than 7 years into loss, but even with coping mechanisms in place, some points of holidays inspire hopelessness. Usually after when I am asked "What did you get for Christmas?"

Sigh.

I have lost any festive spirit that I had when my girlfriend,Sonia,died last year.It took the better part of a year before the worst part of the grief and sadness lessened; I will never regain the zest that I had,and am not looking forward to the rest of my life without het.