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Be careful on here. I found a really nice guy on here 6 hours away and dated him the past 5 months but he wasn't totally honest. He was still married and I found that by looking at court records. Maybe I shouldn't have gone looking for that, but these days it pays to be careful. Despite that, he was a wonderful man, just not relationship ready. I feel stupid for giving him a chance.

Lisl 5 Aug 25
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21 comments

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8

Nice guys aren't liars.You're not stupid, and it's not a crime to give someone a chance. There's nothing wrong with trust.

What is wrong is taking advantage of someone's trust for your own selfish reasons or to stroke your own ego at their expense.

JimG Level 8 Aug 25, 2018
7

"Online" not so much a factor as just be cautious....Ted Bundy....lawyer, tall, good-looking, charming .....and con men are GOOD at what they do!

it is very hard to sift through those. The only tell is them being single to begin with after a certain age.

7

You have illustrated nicely why we should all approach online dating, just as we should any dating, with an attitude that it's on a trial basis and we should never rush into commitments (not that you did) with someone we've just met. Anyone can put on a wonderful act (charm offensive) for a while, but eventually some cracks appear in the facade, showing their true colors. What's that rule of thumb? ...never marry after anything less than a year of dating. Plus, when you get a gut feeling that some little detail with someone doesn't quite add up, check it out.

On a semi- side note, When I was online dating, it was stunning to me just how many people expressed interest in dating me long distance. That just never made sense to me, as your only face to face time would have to be planned ahead and could only be periodic. Sounds to me like a perfect setup for someone who has something to hide, or at the very least intends to remain guarded with you.

@Lisl well now you know why he was so dodgy about communication.

6

That must have been a great let down for you. You were right to check up. That is the oldest story in the book, but it is harder to conceal personal details in this digital age. Was he still living with his wife? If so that makes it all the more reprehensible. I wish you luck in finding another, truer match.

@Lisl Chancer! No wonder she’s put him in the basement!

@Lisl You are well out of that scenario!

@Lisl sounds like economic neccesity to me. Poor dude.

@Lisl doesn't it? I agree he should have been up front about his situation and for that I would have ended things. However, He and the ex wife have called it quits, they're living separately. I get that it "looks weird" but with the housing situation as bad as it is I can understand him not moving. He would probably prefer not to be homeless. Sounds like a tough spot he's in and he unfortunately decided against honesty. To be fair though once you found out, you judged him just as harshly as he feared you would which is probably why he lied.

6

Yes, it's a dangerous world out there. You may be in a group of like minded people but there are dishonest and crazy people everywhere. I'm sorry you had to have that experience. Please remember that there are also honest and good people out there. Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

I really like your sympathetic and well-thought response. You said what I couldn't put into words. Well said!

@DevraisA1 Thank you.

5

With all due respect. I Don't understand you calling him a really nice guy and wonderful man when he was dishonest from the outset. Whatever the state of his marriage, he lied by omission probably knowing full well you would have possibly/probably not "dated"him. Instead he got you to "date" him under false pretenses for 5 months. How long would this have gone on had you not snooped around? You blew his cover. He didn't confess. GREAT GUY??

@Lisl Best to you Lisl. I had something sorta similar happen. I'd have not allowed myself to get feelings if he'd been freaking honest & stopped right there, but he didn't.

4

You are not stupid. You could not have known. And he should be ashamed of himself. You did nothing wrong.

4

Hmmm. Liars on the Internet. Never would have guessed that. 😀

3

Wow, 6 hours is a long way to date someone. He may have done that by design.

@Lisl good point. I need to think about that.

2

it happens to the best of us. when someone says they're separated it pretty much so mean since breakfast.when someone says they're single, there's a 50% chance they're not.

2

@Lisl Gee six hours away !! You are officially my hero !! Now, there is no reason to feel stupid, please don't. That's just a prejudice imposed by society. Years from today you will see it different, you will be happy that you did your part and at least you won't have to wonder forever what it could have been. Best of luck, turn the page and move on. Sometimes short memory is a healthy way to look at things.

1

Not stupid at all. You investigated for a reason. Your reasons were confirmed. You only interviewed him for 5 months which is a short time in the relationship world. Good for you. You did the right thing & are relatively unscathed.

@Lisl Well there is such a thing as ethical polyamory. If she is willing to share....but perhaps you are not.

@Lisl You could still give that response. IIt all depends on what you are willing to live with. Once deceptive.....unless there is true remorse & a behavior change. Did he do this to his spouse before & to others outside of his marriage? Could you merely enjoy what you & he have knowing all of this? What more is there to learn?

@Lisl You are using logic & I commend you. Too many cannot resist their feelings & make decisions with them. Feelings are to be felt. Logic is where decisions are made. You are doing the right thing. How can anything be built on what is not there in reality. Honesty is not there.

1

I've fallen flat on my face recently too as I try to rebuild my life. Trying not to beat myself up too much... With you in this.??

1

Great. Good for you. OK to vent!!

1

After having read some of the comments below that you made, I feel reinforced in my initial comment below. It appears you are still in touch with him. All I can say is why????

1

That is awful! It should be a lesson to us all to be wary. It also points out it is better to share things earlier rather than later. I’ve been married and divorced twice and cannot fathom living with an ex post separation. That is just strange.

Ohub Level 7 Aug 25, 2018

@Lisl He's broke but takes flights to meet you? Last I checked, flying was expensive, even if you are the pilot.

1

Sadly anyone can be anyone on the net. Ot I live 80 miles from Omaha and will probably be moving back there in the near future.

Hey Mike! When you get to Omaha there is a Humanists group that meets regularly. Great place to make some friends.

@Lisl Here is a link to the Meetup group. [meetup.com]

For some reason I cannot send you a private message. I click the icon and go to general messages. We're having growing pains again. @Admin please be aware. I know this keeps you busy!

@HippieChick58 Thanks for the reply! If/when I move back to River City, I'll check it out! Need to wait for FASFA to go through so I can get my second degree from MCC.

Great idea. I think you really need to get to know someone in person before you start to date, and I think less than 1% of this online dating crap actually works. You might talk for months or weeks onilne, then you meet them. Not exactaly the person they claimed to be.

OT at these meetings do we meet once a week to compare clothes? Learn silly songs? Listen to some important sounding dead language like Latin? Those are jokes.

Seriously, seems like a good option. In a village of 600 people, I have almost 0% chance of meeting a girlfriend. Kind of considered the bane of society around here. Worst case, I might go there and have a terrible time wasting only, well, time. Hell, even if I just meet a friend, that'd be cool! Any friend I had when I lived there I no longer talked to. Lived there about 10 years ago, and over time you just loose contact with people. Gotta start anew and find some new friends for starters.

1

Yeah..always best google men first before accepting a date, and checking out their facebook page to see if their profile matches their reality.

0

P.S. No reason to feel bad about yourself, the con was good at his job!

0

Damn I'm sorry

0

That sucks. I had a catfish scare on here once. Would you mind sharing what background check you used? Feel free to pm me if you prefer.
I've background checked myself on various sites and have yet to come across a super accurate one. It's all pieces parts, some truth here, some there, but never in one place.

@Lisl Thank you for sharing.

There are several sites for digging into people. I keep a subscription to spokeo for cursory data searches on people. Divorces and such are public record and a lot of states now have online systems you can search through.

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