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26 6

I'm sorry, but I really need to vent:

My grandma is sick, hospitalized and just over 90. I'm attempting to force myself into a mindset where I can deal with the inevitable.

Truth is, I know I'll be affected either way. I've lost friends, a lover and a family member, so I know the chances of getting depressed (given my predisposition for it) are great. Even medicated as I am, I feel the weight pulling me down. However, the last thing I wanna do is make the loss more difficult for my family.

I lack experience due to my age, so any wisdom you folk are willing to share, I'd appreciate it.

In advance, thank you and I wish you a great day.

By kasmian7
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6

She must be in pain, and if aware, not looking forward to more. Sometimes death is our friend, and this is not about you.

I'm sure he's aware that it's not about him. His issue is the possibility of going into a deep depression. Perhaps you haven't had experience with that or else you wouldn't be so callous. We know death is a part of the cycle and to do what we can while that person is still with us, but it doesn't stop us from missing them. I miss my mom and my grandparents a lot, and sometimes when I think about the fact that I won't see them again, I get sad. For those of us who suffer from depression, any type of sadness can lead down that spiral.That's what he's afraid of.

@VelociraptorRemy I'm sure he appreciates you stepping in to tell us all how he feels, and how you know he should feel. And depression is certainly no joke, but if you know anything about it, focusing inward is the way it worsens. Thus my comments.

@AnneWimsey I am fully aware of how it works. But your comment had nothing to do with overcoming depression. This MY comment.

@VelociraptorRemy really? Taking responsibility for every awful thing that will ever happen doesn't fuel depression??!!? Since when?

I was going to say the same thing.
I was very tight with my grandmother, for some reason or other she seemed to favor me over other siblings.
She started having some health problems, and was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma.
For a while there she was fine other than coughing a lot.
But eventually it got real bad and she was suffering quite a bit.

In all honesty, I was relieved when she passed. I hated to see her suffer any more.

@TristanNuvo so sorry for your loss, but death can be a real blessing sometimes

@AnneWimsey I completely agree that death can be a blessing. Watching my grandmother on her death bed, where she had become a shell of the woman I knew, in agony, not aware yet still aware, has made me become an advocate for assisted suicide. And at what point does your post or his post assume taking responsibility for bad things?? Maybe I missed something.

@VelociraptorRemy "assume taking responsibility", another way of saying internalize the event, it is bad so it must be somehow my fault. Very common thinking which of course can lead to depression, but not true!

5

From the time my grandmother died over 32 years ago... I had been prepared for the passing of my mother... she is 91... we been waiting for over 10 years her passing and she is still around. All the preparation did not helped for the passing of my daughter last month, she would had been 33 next week. I don't want to be rude but Every Death in Your Life should be Unique. Handle it separate. About your Grandmother... She had a long life... Just like everything eventually will break down... so our will to live... we will get tired of living... some quicker than others. Give her Your Love while she is present but remember... even our will is not made to last forever. Be Strong and Cherish the Memories. 90 plus years... you got a Winner! You come from Good Stock.

Very well said

4

Atheists and other non-believers actually have to DEAL with this type of loss. We face it head on because we know that when you're dead, you're dead. We have no religious fantasy to lean on as a crutch. It's called reality. I'm sorry you'll have to go through this (again), but all any of us can do in these situations is make the best of what time remains with that person (If that is even possible. Sometimes great distance or other factors can't be overcome), and when the inevitable happens, to feel the emotion, experience the loss and pain, and integrate it. I have lost both parents to different forms of cancer. I was much closer to my mom and she died first, but still affects me most. I try to cherish my memories of her and try to keep my image of her as she was in robust health, with attitude. =] Cherish the memories. I hope this is helpful.

IAMGROOT Level 7 Sep 20, 2018

Well said!

@KKGator Grazie!

4

I work in geriatrics...loss is never easy. However it is part of life. We are mortal. I highly recommend connecting with hospice if she is eligible. This will not only benefit her, but your family as well as the supports that exist in hospice care are extensive. One of the most painful things about watching someone pass is when they don't pass with dignity. That is where family needs to come together and have that happen.

Sorry if I got soapboxy, this is a passion of mine. Given that you know you are vulnerable, put your safety nets in place now.

OwlRN Level 4 Sep 20, 2018
3

It's probably of little help/comfort to you but Death is just a part of Life.
I was at my daughters bedside 24/7 from January 2000 until January, 7th 2001 whilst she went through Chemotherapy for Mature b -cell Lymphoma.
When Lorrae was diagnosed we both agreed upon a phrase that would be said should things turn out that she ( a 16 year old and my only child btw) would want me to say to her at the right time.
That phrase was, " Go with the wind, run with the Wild Horses my Princess, you are free."
Even though they were, without a doubt, the hardest words I have ever had to speak, just remembering them still brings me great comfort as does the memory of that sweet little smile she gave me upon hearing.
Remember NOT the suffering, the bad times, instead cherish the good times, the laughs, the fun, the smiles and everything good and fulfilling, keep them close to your heart they will comfort you endlessly.
Try to stay strong even in the hardest of times and NEVER shun away from those who earnestly want to help or comfort you my friend.

Triphid Level 8 Sep 20, 2018
3

Talk. Talk to your family and share memories, listen to their perspective of her and share yours. Spend as much time with your grandma as you can. Take pictures with you, travel memory lane and ask her to share her best memories. Take pictures and/or videos. She will appreciate the attention and the love.

End of life is sad but you and your family can make it beautiful for her by surrounding her with love. That is the greatest gift you can give her.

Betty Level 7 Sep 20, 2018

That's good advice. Thank you. My biggest problem, however, is my chronic depression. I don't care if I'll feel down for a while. That's normal. But when depressed I have a tendency to panic and act desperately, making suicide a possibility, and one death is enough for my parents.

@kasmian

I'm not qualified to suggest anything other than to see a professional for help in this stressful time.

@kasmian I repeat - Suicide is not either a question or an answer. If it tempts you, please go see a mental health therapist NOW!

2

Physics states that energy can not be destroyed. It can only change into a different form. Death is only painful to the living. She will be with you in the great cosmos. As you breathe you will breathe her in as her remains will be enveloped & absorbed by the cosmos. Make her passing as comfortable as possible. Help her transit gently.

Mooolah Level 8 Sep 21, 2018

Yes matter turns to other matter. We we die our body turns to dust either by burial or cremation. What happens to that dust it enters the soil and fertilizes the ground. So plants grow and insects eat the plants and animals eat the insects. So everything is on a recycle path. My philosophy is enjoy life do good to others and love your family. What could be more moral than that.

2

Think about asking Grandma the secret to being 90. Its a long road with lots of forks, twists, turns and downhills. Grandma lasted 90 Years, Get Started.

2

I don't deal with loss well, so I've done a few things to make it easier on me. First, I don't go to wakes or funerals. The "mourning process" doesn't help me. I like remembering my loved ones as alive, and seeing them dead becomes my memory of them. Second, I try to remember the life lessons and how that person helped shape me. Both of my grandpas have more or less become a part of me, and I'm thankful instead of sad; more often than not.

These two things work for me, maybe they will help contribute to your solution.

A nice way to look at it. Funerals also become awkward when no religion is involved; at least it did for my grandpa’s funeral.

@PinkPassion funerals and wakes feel like a morbid parade to me. Maybe it helps some people, but my mom resents me for not attending. I won't go to another funeral, even my own. Life is short, and should be enjoyed; so l am selfish with this one thing, and sometimes you have to be selfish.

@stinklizard that’s the key: you do you. I’m thinking of how my family would react if I didn’t want to attend and I’m pretty sure they’d be fine with it. They may keep stressing “are you sure?” But they’d respect my decision.

I’m sorry your mom couldn’t accept your way of dealing with death and what was most comfortable to you. We get caught up in the formality of everything and lose track of what is actually ideal and ideal for each individual.

2

there is no set way to deal with loss nothing protects you from that initial onslaught of emotion if your grandma is still able to talk and understand talk with her as much as possible if she wants to talk about death do it everything you do just now should be for her benefit not yours however if her death is inevitable make sure you have a good support system in place parents friends close colleagues who will understand you may need extra time just to have someone near.People are really bad at dealing with death but remember that your parent is about to lose their parent and may need the extra support to good luck

weeman Level 7 Sep 20, 2018

Yes, which is exactly why my chronic depression worries me so much on this topic. One death is enough for my mom to deal with and the last thing she'll need is a suicidal son to boot.

@kasmian then take responsibility for yourself for the sake of your loved ones. Visit your grandma as long as she is here even if she isnt "awake" she can hear you.You have time to prepare

@kasmian Suicide is not either a question or an answer. If it tempts you, please go see a mental health therapist NOW!

1

ABRAÇO E CORAGEM,CARO MIGUEL!
Não te vou torturar as cenas habituais,mas parece que posso contribuir para que aguentes este momento,pelo menos!, a certeza de que "tens" gente contigo e não estás sozinho,agora que tens de atravessar um pedaço escuro.Pá... -...afinal lá vou eu p'rás cenas habituais,mas sei que o faço de uma maneira que tem razão de ser...- este é um facto que é nosso,do Homem,e anda a gente desde sempre,e sempre andará:chama-se VIDA!(...apesar de parecer o contrário...).És tu e os Teus que agora levam uma parte da VIDA que aleija, e tem de aleijar!,senão não estavas magoado:não há nada que possas fazer senão sofrer a perda e perceber que a tua Avó vem de Todos os que viveram antes dela,que ela também em certa altura perdeu,mas "passou" a Vida aos que vieram dela,depois dela,e agora vão carregar a Vossa Família para o futuro,passá-la aos que vos sucederem e que vos vão chorar um dia!...E isto é assimsmile005.gifão as regras do jogo!...(...pronto!:já 'tá dito o "habitual",e que,apesar disso,é uma verdade absoluta!...não há nem outras regras,nem outro "jogo":é assim,mais nada!...).Tudo isso não impede,nem pode influenciar a maneira de sentires a V. perda!:chia!,esperneia!,chora!,que tens todo o direito de o fazeres sem qualquer vergonha ou sentimento negativo!Há-que fazer o "luto",e cada qual lida isso à sua maneira!
MAS...não tens é o direito de viveres uma perda, que te aleija, de um modo egoísta,passando a situação para ti,apropriando-te dela,valorizando mais a tua dor,o que tu sentes,do que é o principal!:
E o principal é a VIDA que viveu a tua Avó,meu! Viveu 90 anos!Tem uma Família,aqueles para que ela viveu,que a choram,sentem a sua perda!O que achas que alguém deseja mais que isto,que é tanto!?Uma vida longa,especialmente longa!,uma Família,o que querias mais?...
Trata é de valorizar estas coisas especiais -que tanta gente no mundo dava tudo para ter!...e que te parece tão pouco...- e fica é contente de poderes ter a tua Srª. Exmª. Avó tanto tempo contigo e os Teus,chora,faz o teu luto,e trata é de seguires em frente o que ela te/vos deixou:a Vida e os valores que fazem que tenhas saudades dela!
E,principalmente!,não sejas puto,a quereres ser tu quem perde tudo:ganha coragem e homenageia a tua Exmª. Avó apoiando os Teus que também estejam a passar esse mau momento!
DE MIM RECEBE UM SINCERO ABRAÇO DE SOLIDARIEDADE -PARA TI E PARA OS TEUS!- E...TOCA A SER HOMEM,PÁ!

edfaria Level 2 Nov 6, 2018

Entretanto isto ja passou, mas quanto ao post: o que eu estava a dizer nao era "a minha depreçao é mais importante que a minha avo" mas sim "Vou ter de lidar com a morte da minha avo (algo para o qual estou preparado) e com uma depreçao (algo que nao tenho maneira de contrariar mas que é inevitavel) que nao quero atirar para as costas dos meus pais e da minha familia".

@kasmian (antes de mais nada,corrige o "corrector" porque depressão escreve-se assim,adiante!) 'Tá fixe que a situação tenha seguido adiante,como tinha que ser e é com tudo(...principalmente com as cenas que a gente não pode controlar,porque o que podemos controlar mesmo que pouco,há-que o fazer,Bro!...),e só espero que não estejas sempre à coca de cenas que te ofereçam pretextos para...não fazer o que tens de fazer!E estou aqui a dizer-te estas cenas,por uma razão:eu sou muito parecido contigo,artista(...com os prós & cons de se ser sensível,dar valor a coisas que sempre nos desiludem,e,PIOR!,neste tempo em que um gajo não tem hipóteses de fazer aquilo que quer,os projectos que tem,e está condenado a ...cair numa cena muito longe do que é o nosso melhor:numa cidade grande deve ser f...,mas numa pequena nem te passa,meu!...),com montes de ideias fixes para fazer,mas também perguiçoso,sempre a precisar que me piquem p'rá frente...Tu ainda és um "puto",tens montes de tempo à tua frente -...e se puderes sair daqui,moço,faz já as malas!...- ,mas eu tenho 58,há 8 anos,quando decidi reformar-me da Advocacia,depois de aturar os problemas dos outros durante 25 anos,e tratar de curtir as minhas cenas -pintar,tocar,escrever,viajar...-,"levei" com uma..."surpresa" de 3 kg,depois de 36 anos de vida em comum com a minha parceira,sempre numa de não ligar a nada,sem responsabilidades e,até,um bocado infantilóide...;...e,metem-te o puto nos braços e tens de o criar e fazer tudo do melhor para ele...E lá se foram os projectos de fazer as cenas fixes que tinha em mente:havia que tratar daquela coisinha(...que agora não imagino a vida sem ele!...),que foi crescendo e já dá p'ra fazer muito do que queria,mas tenho que estar com ele até ser possível,e quando ele tiver 20,eu terei 70,se estiver por cá...E isso é bem f...!E faz-te pensar e interessar pelo...FUTUROsmile008.gif que lhe vais deixar,como sociedade e como Mundo...por isso acabei envolvido nestes problemas que fazem deste tempo um tempo mau,procurando alterar alguma cena,no que for possível... Concluíndo,a vida é cheia de "curvas contra-curvas",umas fixes,noutras espalhas-te ao comprido,aqui ganhas,ali levas no focinho...É assim...Olha,se tiveres pachorra,vontade e tempo,dá um "salto" ao "Face", a Eduardo Matos de Faria e vês o que se faz cá por cima.Abraço e "levanta,sacode o pó,e...dá a volta por cima!"(...isto soa mais fixe em brasileiro...).

1

Thank you, everyone. I'll think about all of these pieces of advice and deal with my issues.

kasmian Level 7 Sep 20, 2018

You need not deal with your issues alone, my friend, there are hundreds, if not thousands on here who will be only too glad to listen as 1 friend to another.

1

I hate to say it is cuz I know it's always my go-to in cases like this but you might want to try grief counseling

1

Losing someone you love is hard, but you make it through. I lost my mom last week. Take the time you need to feel whatever you're feeling, whatever you feel there's no right or wrong. Connect with family and friends, especially those who can be a good support to you. Spend as much time as you can with your grandmother, enjoy the time you have together, and tell her how much you love her, and tell those you're close to how much you love them as well.

bleurowz Level 8 Sep 20, 2018
1

First, what kind of shape is your grandmother in? Has she been ill for a long time? Is she likely to get better and have a good life? I don't want to live with tubes, medications and restrictions. When I can't do the things I enjoy I want to leave this world peacefully. Death is part of life. It means the end of suffering. No one lives forever, and I don't think many want to live forever.

Yes, you will grieve when your grandmother passes, that is normal. But remember, she lived a good long time and it is her time to pass on. You will miss her, but keep the love that she had for you, all the good memories. Take this chance to tell her how much you love her. Also, if you have good relationships with your family, let them know how much you love and appreciate them. At times like this we need to hold close those we love most.

1

You're allowed to feel whatever you feel, for however long you're feeling it. I found that owning the fact that depression will make it worse is part of recovering from emotional trauma. Do your family know about your depression? Let them know that this is more than likely to happen and that you may need some extra support. An important thing to remember, especially if people have stupid shit to say about it, is that this isn't your fault. It's how your brain is wired.

Seeing a therapist is also important. Life is throwing a big lump of shit at you and that's what therapists are there for.

1

Find a trusted family member who lives close. Don't be afraid to call on them if you just need to talk or start having anxiety issues. Let them know, in advance, you may call on them.
Without my sisters, I would never have been able to get through some pretty bad difficulties.

MrLizard Level 8 Sep 20, 2018
1

Of course, you are feeling great sadness over the dying of your grandmother. But, you must realize that death is an inevitable event for us all, and that it is not, in and of itself, awful. You have a treasure trove of great memories of your grandmother and will be able to call upon them every day of the rest of your life until you die or become demented. You must not let yourself become overcome with her death: She would have expected more from you and would have wanted more for you.

wordywalt Level 8 Sep 20, 2018
1

[agnostic.com] A pragmatic view of death yes,but we will all face the loss of those we called dear to us.......

Mike1947 Level 7 Sep 20, 2018
1

My grandfather was a huge influence on my life. He was my first music teacher and a truly compassionate guy. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor late in '89 and died 9 months later.

I was 14 and extremely depressed about it. He spoke to us about his thoughts and feelings as death caught up to him. One day, he saw my depression and it bothered him. I think he broke the ice with "hey, what's wrong? I'm the one dying here, but I'm not dead. Let's live while I can."

My feeling was that he was a good guy and that he had been a very positive force in the family... that I didn't know how things would go after he was gone. He evaded and was self-deprecating. Still, I held firm. He was a good guy even when people treated him poorly. He was patient until they realized their error and corrected themselves. He was bright in a world with very little light.

He laughed and told me most people don't correct themselves. I wasn't accepting it. He then said something that haunts me... that the memory has me holding back tears as I type this on my phone...

He said roughly "I'm far from perfect. I've made mistakes. I've treated people harshly sometimes and wish I hadn't. Still, I've tried to be a good man. I don't know that I understand fully what it is you think I've done well for people or this family. It sounds like you don't know how to say it yet either. That's ok. I do know this: whatever it is I've done that is good, I will no longer be able to do it...

That is now your job."

A simple and humble challenge is what he gave me... It is now my job. To do this, I have to be about living. I have to order myself inwardly and outwardly. I need to live a simple, beautiful, austere life without fear, jealousy, and inappropriate aggression. I must live and act in my best understanding of reality - even when it hurts.

Cry your eyes out, brother. Feel this thing, but know those tears are really for you. She's going to be ok - pain is over and she will have earned sleep. The tears are knowing this good soul won't be around for you. That's ok - cry it out until the tears are gone. Feel it. Let it wash over you and hold on to none of it. Talk to people and connect with them. Go through the rollercoaster. And then, when that is all done... live. Pick up the torch and begin moving forward again. Live it so solid that someone feels this way about you when your card is pulled. It's your job now.

It's your job now.

1

There are some things you can do to help fend off depression. Diet is extremely important. 100% whole foods, organic if you can afford it. NO PROCESSED FOODS...if it comes in a box or can or jar, pretty much don't eat it. If you are a omnivore, only fully pasture-raised animal protein, including the eggs...and really, not too much of it, no more than 4 ounces/114 grams per day. It is best to stay away from pork entirely, unless it is wild. Red meat should be very limited. Wild caught fish (especially salmon from Alaska) and pasture-raised organic chicken are the best options. LOTS of leafy greens, and eat a rainbow of veggies...try different colors of sweet potatoes. Dairy - REAL plain yogurt only, no milk, no cheese. NO sugar...maybe a little honey or real maple syrup...but not much of either. NO soda pop. NO sweet bottled drinks. Sparkling water with high magnesium content is good...add some fresh-squeezed lemon juice. Teas, and herbal teas. Coffee...not too much. Very little wheat...if you weren't in Europe, I'd say no bread, but most of Europe has disallowed Glyphosate (Round-up) so the wheat is not poisoned...best to get your bread at a bakery, than a commercial packaged product, because they contain too many chemicals and preservatives. For fats, avocado oil or pure olive oil, ghee not butter. Sunshine! At least 20 minutes per day, with full arm exposure Exercise, preferably walking or cycling...however much you can manage...your endurance will increase as you go forward. Daily practice of a clean diet, exercise and sunshine goes a very long way for staving off depression. Having a healthy social life is essential. If you do not have many friends, go volunteer doing something that makes you feel good about doing it. I know, because it all works for me. And really, this is a lifestyle everyone should be living. Reject the consumer mindset that advertising has given society. Eat real food...combine it in ways that your palate enjoys.

1

We find ways to reckon with death. You will find yours. I think there is something to be said for taking the lessons to be learned then cutting the losses and moving on.

uuberdude Level 7 Sep 20, 2018
1

Life is a cycle. You are born, you grow, you live and you die. All of nature follows the same cycle. Some of nature has very long lives, some have very short and the rest falls in between. When someone you know well is ill and getting ready to pass on (and even after they have passed on) you need to remember how lucky you are/were to have had them in your life. Be happy that they were a part of your life. All things must pass, good and bad. Remember all the of the good things and lessons they brought to your life. As you move on in life, use these memories to comfort yourself and to inspire yourself to take all of your personal skill set and use it as well as you are able to use it. The cycle of life continues no matter what. Recognize it, embrace it and use the lessons it gives you.

1

Go army, learn how to shoot, deploy and see how death works in action
You be less vulnerable

Might not be the best timing on this advice.
But, it certainty opened my eyes to all that.

1

Death is inevitable, so find a way to accept it.

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Taking CBD oil, found in most health food stores, relieves anxiety and sadness.

Link: A 2015 study concluded that CBD oil treats numerous forms of anxiety, including social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Cannabidiol not only made participants feel better but also changed the way their brains responded to anxiety.

[medicalnewstoday.com]

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