114 9

Would like your opinion on this...there's a nurse I work with who basically hit on me at work. He's married. Im not interested but see him as a comrade as I do all my coworkers so it came as a shock. First he added me on facebook...which is fine, others have done the same. Then he became more chatty. Then a few days ago I noticed he touched my shoulders while talking to me and also once on my waste with one hand ...I noticed it but decided it was nothing weird or something others have done at one time or another so I forgot about it. Then the next day I asked him to waste a drug with me and he said, for you Id do anything. Then the next day in the OR during a case he just basically says to me...the pants you wore into work this morning made my day keep doing that. I turned bright red. I workout after work so I wear my workout clothes to work then change into scrubs. I found myself explaining this to him and embarrassed, ashamed. I said I wasn't wearing that anymore. He said no please do. That's why I sit by the scrub machine every morning eating breakfast. At this point I didn't know he was married. But I did feel uncomfortable. I laughed it off and tried to make a joke of it. I mentioned it to a female coworker who told me he was married with 4 kids. I was really kind of shocked but decided to pretend it never happened and avoid it in the future. Went home. Then he started messaging me...nice way to end the shift with you and other flirty things. I confronted him that he was married. He said...so can't a man give a woman a compliment as a friend? then he wanted to know if I would be attending the going away party at a bar for a scrub tech sat night. asked me twice if I would be there, said i need to start hanging out with my work family. I did not go. Im not sure the correct way to deal with this. I don't want to be weird or make a problem or anything bc i have to work with this person. I work at a small facility and we have a very close work family. Im hoping it doesn't ever come up again but if it does....how do I address it appropriately without creating tension?

By lauraleigh38
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114 comments

11

First, stop feeling like you might be making a problem. You're not. He is. You said you confronted him about being married so at this point if he doesn't back off report him to HR.

Paracosm Level 7 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

Confronting someone about marriage is not saying no. Is he in an open marriage? Is he separated? Asking if married, does not mean both persons actually care about marriage. Marriage and the ASSUMPTION of the sanctity of it, is dangerous. Marriage is no longer a barrier in today's society.

@Veteran229 To anyone who isn't an idiot a confrontation should convey the message that their behavior isn't welcome. It's really sad that so many people think women need to spell things out for men to get them to show deceny and respect or follow rules that are required in the workplace. This isn't on her. It's on him.

10

Don't worry about creating tension. As a former Director of Human Resources, this man is sexually harassing you which is illegal.

  1. Report his behavior to his supervisor.

  2. If you have a human resources director, report it to him or her.

  3. Clearly and loudly tell this man to stop touching you.

  4. Keep a log of each time he made you feel uncomfortable or touched you against your will. Document:

    date; time; location; what he did, who said what, witnesses, etc.

LiterateHiker Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

He sure should have gotten a clear message to leave her alone when she confronted him about his being married. Since he apparently did not get that message, I think your suggestion is probably the best way to go. It might be uncomfortable, but it could stop a bad situation from getting worse.

9

I honestly don't understand why so many people are trying to be "nice" about this.
She didn't create the problem, HE did. Why should she be going out of her way to be "nice" about dealing with this?
That is EXACTLY why sexual harassment in the workplace has become such a huge problem.
STOP being "nice" about it. Make HIS life miserable. He's an asshole.

KKGator Level 9 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

Exactly. I was shocked at the people on here advising her to play it down, care about his job, or talk to him privately.
Bullshit.

@Donotbelieve I'm so sick of this "why can't we all just get along" bullshit. We can't all get along because assholes take advantage and ruin it for everyone else. Make the assholes start having to deal with the consequences of being an asshole. HE is the asshole in this scenario, NOT her. Who gives a fuck about HIS job? He obviously doesn't care too terribly much if he's willing to risk his livelihood over trying to get a piece of ass.
Fuck him. Blow his life up.

@KKGator Yup. He did this. He did it to himself and he deserves the repercussions.

It sucks that we, as women, have the mindset to not rock the boat.

I, for one, will rock it and I refuse any guilt or shame or labels of overreacting.

Don't put any of this on her or us. We did nothing to invite it. It's his fucking fault. STOP shaming us for a man's shitty behaviour and treatment of us.

@Donotbelieve Exactly.
I'm telling you, scorched earth is the only way to stop it.

@KKGator It makes me so angry. The shit I have had to put up with. The shit my fellow females have had to endure. The things my 3 daughters...

Fucking burn it all down.

To the men who replied with spot on advice...you give me hope and I appreciate you.

9

The fact that you're here asking means he's gone over the threshold. You are uncomfortable with the situation, and you should not have to put up with this situation to make a living. Forget the notion of not making this a big deal, forget the notion of hurting his feelings, your security in the work you do is critical. Tell him to back off or you will report him.

godef Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

Yes

Yes this is what I should have said. My meter is set differently from the times I grew up in.

** THIS IS CORRECT ^^

9

you're not the one creating the tension. there is no polite way out of this. here is the proper plan:

  1. unfriend him on facebook.

  2. tell him not to touch you on the shoulder or anywhere else, ever again.

  3. tell him that you will not converse with him except as business requires. follow through and pretend he has not spoken if he makes things personal.

  4. report him to highers ups if he doesn't back off.

  5. report him to police if he stalks you.

g

genessa Level 8 Nov 17, 2018
Reply
7

Threaten to tell his wife publicly, if he doesn't stop, and if your employer doesn't
handle it to your satisfaction.
Print out all communications with him. Show him you have it (have copies in case he snatches what you show him--cover your ass).
Tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, and not interfere with the
work environment, you will give his wife everything.

Get a lawyer and prepare to sue him and your employer. You might need to.
Especially since his behavior is effecting your work environment.
Who knows? He may have done the same thing to some of your coworkers.

When people start shit with others (bullies), they don't expect their victims to fight back. I don't believe in simply fighting back. That usually doesn't put a stop to it.
You have to come back with scorched earth. Blow up their world. They don't expect that.

STOP being nice to assholes. Ruin THEIR lives. They don't care about what
they do to yours.

KKGator Level 9 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
7

I would tell him straight out I"m not interested and you are making me feel uncomfortable. If you don't stop saying these things and contacting me i'll report you. Warn him.. so at least he knows how you feel
..

AmmaRE007 Level 6 Nov 17, 2018
Reply
6

I would ask, very gently, why you've let it get this far already and why you don't know what to do about it. I don't want to suggest that you've done anything wrong. He is in the wrong. However, you have had the power to put a stop to his behavior at any point and you have chosen not to.

Consider this. The work environment is already tense. Who's feeling tense? You. He's the one who created a tense work environment, not you. Why do you feel reluctant to make it feel tense for him instead of for you?

His comment about your pants was inappropriate, not you wearing the pants. But instead of his comments ending, you wearing the pants ended.

Him asking you about going to the work party was inappropriate but again, instead of you insisting he change his behavior, your behavior changed.

Again I want to emphasize that you haven't done anything wrong. I've been where you are at and been unable to put an end to inappropriate behavior in others. There will always be people around you who are willing to push boundaries, men, women, and children. Even though they are the ones in the wrong, you still have to be the one who puts a stop to it. I've learned to do so and my life is so much better for it.

It's not a change you can make overnight but if you work at it, you can get to the point where when people do things like he's doing, you instantly shut it down. But you have to first know that it's okay for you to do that and that it's possible to get to that point if you work at it.

I'd like to also mention that his behavior is wrong whether he is married or not. His marriage makes it more offensive but even if he wasn't married, he's still being a creep. As you deal with this, don't make it about him being married.

Meili Level 6 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
6

Tell him to stop. This is clearly uninvited, unwelcome, and it is sexual harassment.

You may need to involve a 3rd party or hr.

That's that.

He's making you uncomfortable and putting you in a very difficult situation. Fuck that entitled asshole.

You've done nothing wrong, but don't allow this behavior to continue and do not be his sexual phantasy object.

You deserve so much better.

Donotbelieve Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
6

Back in the day I handled this first by saying "I don't date co-workers". Period.

It later bit me in the ass with single co-workers. lol
But in today's work environment it's not a bad way to present it.

If it happens even once more? I'd say go to a superior. Frankly it's harassment. That's why companies have seminars.

RavenCT Level 9 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
6

If you are around him for any reason, keep an eye on your beverage! He appears to have no boundaries and may be targeting you because you do not speak up...the fact that You felt "embarrassed" by his mentioning your perfectly legit workout wear troubles me!
The correct, fair thing to do is tell him, Once, in short, pithy words, 2 simple declarative sentences max, that you do not desire this type of attention, and that if it continues you will go to HR. (Your posting here, BTW, should be a "proof", if HR asks, so good going!)
Do Not answer His questions, wheedling, etc. after saying your piece! Jjust walk away after delivering this message, as staying/listening will allow him to spin another web around you, and give him more excuses to harass you. And make no mistake, this IS workplace harassment!!!

AnneWimsey Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
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6

Most work places have a zero tolerance policy for sexual harassment. This is made clear when hired. Go to HR. You owe him Nothing.

CuriousCreature Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
6

This is harassment and against the law in the workplace. Report immediately to Human Resources.

Source:
CaroleKay Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
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6

If you have any of this communication from him in FB msgs, elsewhere, save all of it. In at least 2 safe places.

Qualia Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
6

I hate to hear you're going through this. He knows what he is doing is out of line and there's no excuse. Sounds like you've already addressed it clearly enough with him, and I would go to HR if it continues with even one more comment. Document all the times it happened, what he said and when he said it, as much as you can. That will get HR's attention, because it's a legal liability for the company. He's interfering with your right to do your job in a harassment-free environment. The burden shouldn't be on you to change your routine, feel shame or have to suffer through the BS every day!

whispers Level 7 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

I'm not sure he does know, that's why I suggested "he need's to be told", no ambiguity. Your other advice is spot on.

@powder What's not to know? She said she confronted him about being married.

@whispers Asking someone if they are married, IS NOT saying no, or stop.

@whispers men are thick, I know I'm one. We need to be told, this prick definitely does. Have a male companion present to witness him being told.
Men are from Mars, Women from Venus sort of stuff. We are dumb like that.
Just say "had enough of the come on bs. Go away" in front of a male friend. Can be nice and firm.

@powder Lol! It's a workplace, not a bar...smile003.gif

Edited

@CaroleKay what are HR going to do? The same. She asked for our opinion so I'm saying I would try this first before HR.

@powder Maybe it's harder for men to clue in to subtle clues than women, but if they are coming on to a woman, they should be making an effort to assess whether she's really interested. Even if they are just trying to build a friendship as this man claims, they still have the responsibility of determining whether the relationship is wanted or not. There's no excuse for violating other people's boundaries.

That said, she should tell him directly and frankly that his behavior makes her uncomfortable so that if she needs to take further action she knows that she's made it clear and that he is deliberately ignoring her boundaries.

6

Ask yourself, "If his wife were with him, would he be saying those things to you? touching you? flirting with you?" His behavior is not okay! Even if he weren't married, it is not professional, work place behavior. He is sexually harassing you. Unfriend him on FB, block his phone number, and tell him you don't allow married men to carry on with you the way he is doing.

linxminx Level 6 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

This seems reasonable. If he doesn't get the message after this then it's time for HR.

6

Tell him you already have one asshole in your pants, and you don't need another one. there is no comeback for that. If that doesn't work, HR.

Sticks48 Level 8 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

Great retort! I love it!

5

Inform him that what he is doing is legally classified as sexual harrassment, and there are policies in place concerning that behavior in the workplace. Futhermore, you respect his ability as a fellow nurse, but do not appreciate his "compliments", and if they don't cease you will be forced to lodge a harrassment complaint with HR.

t1nick Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
5

As an RN who’s had to endure more than enough of this disgusting behavior. You are not in the wrong here. He continued to take advantage of a situation. He overstepped the professional relationship with the moment he made an inappropriate comment and touched you in an inappropriate way.
Whether he is married, single or engaged does not factor into the equation.
You’re trying to rationalize his irrational behavior. The guy is a pig, it’s not complicated.
Has anyone else noticed this behavior? The last thing you want to do become a subject of gossip.
When you do report, you go directly to HR.

Green_eyes Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

I agree he is a pig. I have known many men in my professional career who cheat on their wife. I come right and say I do not and never would do such a thing. Even at this time I was in a terrible marriage and wanted out. I am not a pig nor a disgusting male who throws his shit around daily. Tell this ass to shut it down/ So sorry many women have to go through this and it is very common, we all know this, including men.

5

He sounds horribly manipulative and dishonest. The fact that he's as willing to hurt his wife by cheating speaks to his gross lack of character. I wouldn't want to even be friends with this creep. I pity the poor woman he tricked into marrying him. I'd give him exactly one warning to back off before reporting his behavior.

Deb57 Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
5

HR and wife, contact both. It is disgusting behavior and should not be tolerated.

Skeptic66 Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

“We teach others how to treat us”

By ignoring such advances he is resetting his boundaries and it will become more difficult to stop. There are severa things you can do.

Have a coworker ask you how whether “Chris” (your boyfriend) took out for dinner and concert for your anniversary.

You can ask “mr advancing” how be and his family are spending thanksgiving.

You can tell mr advancing that you appreciate the attention but are not interested since you don’t mix work and pleasure

Reality is, at this point you need to set a boundary. Amd be firm.

Good luck.

Contact wife - interesting approach. There's more varibles there though, for example if his intentions are truly pure and he's just way too friendly (a marriage is unnecessarily disturbed) or if both the husband and the wife are looking for a third and the wife starts adding to the problem...

5

he is the jerk here, let him deal with the tension that he has caused. just do your job and report him if this keeps going. i hate cheaters, and this guy is obviously fishing for someone to cheat with.

MichaelSpinler Level 8 Nov 18, 2018
Reply

Exactly, and if you think you're the only one or that he hasn't done this before, you would be incorrect.

@Donotbelieve no doubt. just the way he tried to play it off like he was just complimenting a coworker, tells me this. i can all but guarantee he has never complimented a male coworker in this way. i would report his ass for sexual harassment. another male making males look like predators. this crapo and the dick pic sending asshats making it harder for single males. its no wonder women are so guarded.

5

No whether or not he has an 'open relationship' or just cheating on his partner/spouse NO man has a given right to accost ANY woman what-so-ever.
To my mind, he's just being a dirty filthy perv and needs to brought into line asap.

Triphid Level 7 Nov 18, 2018
Reply
5

He needs to be told (us males can be thick like that) so tell him.
Plus if he wants to meet up, tell him to bring his wife as you'd love to meet her. That should shut him up too.

powder Level 7 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

Unless they are swingers

5

Do u want my American answer or my Italian / Greek answer ? Bcz I can give u both :
First of all , unfriend him on any piece of media u have an account on .
Second , do your Pyxis rooms have cameras ? If they do , ding ding ding bingo bingo bingo 😀😀
Do ask him to waste the next drug w u . And wait for the comment . When he opens his f mouth , tell him to " consider this his final warning . If u ever approach me again at any way and with any other word / comment / compliment / physical , be prepare to face HR . "
Say it , and no need to discuss , move on wasting drug . This is the one camera at any hospital that can easily trace back .

The Italian / Greek way : listen u motherf , u touch me again or u even talk to me again , and I ll make sure your wife will shove your dick into your ass while u filling applications for new employment .
Can u say that ? Man , I wish I was there for u !

And . These type of assholes can twist everything . Take shots of msgs he send u . And . Honestly , u need to let HR know . U r not his only potential food . He will do again to someone else . And that , IS IMPORTANT TO FIGHT FOR .

Pralina1 Level 7 Nov 17, 2018
Reply

true...my biggest thing is...if I flip it in my head and imagine if someone who was my husband and said this to a coworker...how i would feel about it......it would really hurt me!

Edited

@lauraleigh38 trust me she knows what a diamond he is . 4 kids . Trust me . And . Not your problem . U need to rescue self and protect others . ♥️♥️♥️

HAAAAAA! I like the Italian/Greek version Miss Pralina. smile001.gif

Edited
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