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Wtf, I Saw this woman over a year ago, we've been trying to to rekindle things lately, but she can't let go of the fact that I dated others while we apart. What do you do?

Unclehotrod 7 Jan 15
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10

Addendum:

It's NONE of her damned business what you were (or were not) doing while you were not together.
No one, male or female, is worth giving up your personal autonomy for.
She's got issues. Even if the sex is good, it's not worth it.
Run. Far, and fast.

^^This

8

Run.

What she said.

7

It seems that your love interest has a trust issue! It could mean that she feels insecure and your efforts to show her that she matters, are falling flat! I doubt that it has much to do with your past dating! I would make very sure that you really are seriously interested in this person, because your uncertainty will not be hidden for long, if that indeed is the case! Lay your cards on the table as honestly as you possibly can, if that makes no difference, I would forget the love interest and see if a friendship can be made instead.

Wise advice, thank you!

7

She's obviously insecure. Let her know you saved the best for last, it's time to let go of the past. If your past relationships are going to be too much for her, let her know you'd rather walk away than continue to cause her pain. At that point, the ball's in her court.

Insecure people don't change, at least that has been my experience.

@Sticks48 They won't change until they face and conquer whatever internalized issues caused the insecurity

“you’d rather walk away than cause her pain” is a graceful exit line. Perfect.

6

date more others.

6

That does not bode well.

6

I'm curious; did she just sit at home twiddling her thumbs for over a year?

According to her, I ruined her for all other men.

@Unclehotrod If she really wanted you, she would have contacted a lot sooner. It sounds like she wants to see if you will do what she wants. I just don't think that would be a good idea because if you do she will believe she can get you to do anything.

@kiramea Agreed. Why wait a year? Maybe she didn’t attract anyone else and is jealous. It’s a bad scene.

6

Sounds like a rough start to the rekindle...it's unrealistic for her to expect anything of you during the time you were not in a committed relationship. If it were me I'd tell her honestly & directly, drop it or we can't do this...

Pretty much what I told her, I can't do this anymore.

6

Put as much distance between you as possible.
She's not going to let it go.
There is no point.
Sorry.

5

Was in a similar situation. My ex would dump me but then get pissed about who I dated while we were on the break HE wanted.

When we got back together, the jealousy and accusations were numerous and unbearable. I have to admit that this happened several times before he did something I couldn't forgive and stayed broken up. Once he realized that I would not take him back that last time, he stalked me and vandalized my home and car because he was furious.

This is my opinion of where she is: She thought she could do better than you, found out she couldn't so wants you back. She would probably do it again.

At the same time, because she was the one that wanted the break-up she thought you were just pining away waiting for her and is now embarrassed/pissed that you weren't; her ego is bruised.

5

ask her what it will take for her to forget that...when she has no answer, find another one

lerlo Level 8 Jan 15, 2019
4

She sounds a tad irrational......head for the hills!

4

Everyone is saying run. I don't get it. Look, you might be right to be weirded out, and yes, trust or insecurity issues like these don't just go away, so you might actually want to bail. I'm not here to judge. Do whatever you want.

But whatever you do, do not just cut ties! That's cruel. She obviously remembers you very fondly.

Besides, bailing is just part two of your plan! Let me help you tie together the first part with the second:

Smash and dash.
Hit it and quit it.
Ejaculate and evacuate.
Skeet and retreat.
Ram and scram.
Pump it and dump it.
Hit it from the back and never look back.
Nail and bail.
Fuck and duck.
Shoot and scoot.
Jizz and jet
Blast and bail.
Blow a load and hit the road.

I think you get the point.

I thought I had heard them all.... Fucking hilarious! Excellent!

@Gooniesnvrdie They aren't related, they aren't in a relationship. He isn't going to fix her insecurities regardless. If he chooses to stay, great. If he doesn't, hey, if it's consensual what's the problem?

@Gooniesnvrdie Having consensual sex is a frat boy thing to do. Got it.

It takes two to tango. Sex should never come with expectations, other than ... you know, orgasms. If she says yes, how is that dickish? And what's wrong with having one last fling? Sure it's not romantic but I mean -- and I doubt this is surprising -- people like to have sex.

@Gooniesnvrdie Now you're blaming men for being the victims of assault because they had the nerve to have consensual sex.

Not just that, you've implied that people who are insecure and jealous are unstable or crazy, something OP never did.

I get it, I've heard that phrase. "Never stick your dick in crazy." But who's talking about crazy people?

@Xuande sounds like ‘using’ people, to me!

@Xuande there are ‘crazy,’ people who aren’t all that obvious at first and then there are people who make themselves crazy trying to discern the ‘mixed signals, from a love interest! Not, a good plan, not knowing the true nature of a person and respect in spite of your own lust! (By the way it is not blame, that is placed at the feet of men, it is just a reminder to men...it is not good if you allow ‘lust’ to override logic...it could have a disastrous component.)

@Freedompath Since when was it only the man's responsibility for everything about consensual sex? Does the woman in this scenario not have the right to clarify a man's intentions if she chooses? Doesn't she have the right to decline entirely?

Come on. How would y'all feel if I said:

"It's not blame we place on women for being beaten with a baseball bat, it's just a reminder, it is not good if you allow your lust to overcome your logic. There are crazy men out there, it could have a disastrous component. It wasn't a good plan to sleep with him the first time, not knowing his true nature."

At the risk of mansplaining, sex isn't a mixed signal. It's doesn't now mean "you know, maybe this will work out between us" anymore today than it ever has. We lack some context in OP's post, but again ... if she's down for a fling, and he's not promising anything, who is hurt? Who comes out of that a loser? Why would she be banging his head with a baseball bat, and why is that apparently somewhat on him?

Nothing changes because the gender roles are swapped. If someone you have sex with comes back and assaults you, it didn't happen because you allegedly sent mixed signals, it didn't happen because you weren't a good enough judge of character, because of their insecurities, or their trust issues. It happened because that person is a fucking scumbag. Full stop.

@Xuande we all are responsible for our own actions...granted! First of all, no person is a ‘scumbag,’ in my belief system, there are just people who make very poor decisions...very poor! And they bring up anger, lots of anger in other people! Tell me, where is the blame to lie, when your ex- has an affair with your mentally ill sister and mother...when you were a struggling young mother of 5 children?
You can use more ‘real world,’ experience...not just sexual conquests to build on!

@Freedompath We will have to agree to disagree on scumbags.

However, if I'm reading your example right, it's pretty easy to place blame in your scenario: The ex having an affair with the mentally ill sister. Yeah, that was pretty easy.

4

Love you all! Just confirmed my feelings. Although I love her, I can't let this control my life.

I do understand.

I have a friend that's I've had a relationship with (on and off) for 30yrs. Even-though I love him dearly, I had to break it off because my priorities were different than his. That was two years ago, and I still miss him terribly.

4

Date others.

4

Find someone else.

BD66 Level 8 Jan 16, 2019

I agree.

Let's say she "says" she's over it. I can pretty much guarantee that every time you even look in the direction of a woman she will accuse you of sleeping with them. You won't be able to look at them, talk to them, nothing.

Personally I wouldn't put up with what she's doing now, much less what she probably will do if you two get back together. I don't consider jealousy an admiral trait to have.

3

You should have taken the veil? Why, exactly, do you wish to reintroduce this person into your life?

Really just bang your head on the wall it will feel better.

3

Major red flag! Serious jealosy and control issue alert! GTFO before it's too late!!!

3

That doesn't sound good at all... I'm thinking control issues... Do you want to be controlled like that? If so, good luck ... 😉

3

I have to add to this, she was especially upset about me dating other women when I told her that she should have thought about that before she kicked me to the curb.

See my comment above

3

Theres irrational, then theres her......

3

Don't waste your time. No way to start.

3

Similar situation here, I just told her that Rosie and the Palmer twins don't count! Lol

2

You have to be strong. Lay it out on the line in an honest to goodness way.
"Honey I think the world of you and I really want you in my life. We tried before and I regret that we couldn't stay together but if you want me to say sorry that I dated when we were apart then thats a no, I am not a monk. how long should I have waited for you to come back? A year? two? three? ten? for ever? If you you want me then I am completely and exclusively yours. I will try my utmost to make you happy but if you cannot get over this then it would be best for you to find someone that you can accept. That would make me truly sorry because we have a chance at the real deal. We cannot change the past, only the present and the future. Its up to you, you can put it in a box like a bunch of old love letters and leave it in the closet gathering dust and we can make a life together or take it with you and go"

2

What a damaged soul. I understand everyone else's thoughts but maybe she just really needs you to love her and understand her.

@Donotbelieve That is so incredibly sad though. It is hard opening your heart again but the reward is so worth it.

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