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Hi!
I'm new here and I right now I'm going through a "deconversion" period. I was raised as a Catholic but then started going to evangelical church after disagreeing with a few things. It was everything cool for a few months. My best friend invited me to his church, the people there cared about me (something that didn't happen in the catholic church) and I was praying more than ever, really into the christian faith.
All my world view was based on the bible. But then things started to change. I'm gay and the more I prayed, stronger my sexuality became, I even started having feelings for this best friend of mine. I prayed so much and I felt dirty every time I had fantasies about this guy.
Months passed and I started researching out of the religion, reading atheist's testimonies and stuff. I can say there was something different in me. Like a discomfort or an intuition telling there's something wrong. I left the church to forget about this friend, but I still considered myself a christian.
Until I talked to a friend of mine who's agnostic. For the first time I felt understood and free. I didn't feel that bad for questioning my religion and the bible that shows two different gods. I realized that I didn't want to glorify a God who made me the way I am just to throw me in hell, who wants people to suffer just so they can look for him. Where is God in the mist of all despair? There's probably an answer for that. I don't know.
Right now I can't call myself an atheist because I do believe there's a God, but a different one. Maybe religion got it all wrong, I don't know. Or maybe there's none. I just wanted to get this off my chest and see if people had similar experiences. Are you going through that? How you overcame all this? Sorry for the long post and any kind of grammatical error.

RaiGab 5 May 3

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25 comments

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8

Welcome to the asylum. Enjoy your stay.

Take your time, be gentle with yourself.
Try to remember that we're all born atheists, and all religion has to
be taught. Non-belief is our default position. It takes a minute to shake
off indoctrination and brainwashing.
Especially when it relates to our sexuality.
There's nothing "wrong" with you. Finding out you've been lied to, all
your life, by people you trusted to tell you the truth, is a really hard thing
to get past.

Good luck going forward with logic and reason.

7

My deconversion took years and was painful and scary. I replaced fiction with verifiable facts and faith with reality. It took retraining my brain and time, but it has been the most freeing experience of my life.

You are certainly not alone in your experiences. I am proud and respect you for being so brave.

I wish you well.

"Painful and scary" is a good description of my deconversion also.

Thank you so much! It's really nice to know there's people out there who had this experience of leaving faith

7

Welcome! You have a long road ahead of you. No need to rush, hang out and see what we're all about.

6

>and any kind of grammatical error.

For that, you'll be skinned alive and fed to the wolves.

Truthfully, your command of English is much better than many the gibberish stabs at English that I see from my countrymen.

It is understandable to credit or blame a God for the universe until one begins to ask "Where did that thing show up from?" After that it slowly sinks in that God is a fiction. People credit God as a good excuse to say they don't know everything.

When nobody knows why the sun came up, they're willing to blame God rather than say "I don't know." The God excuse hides ignorance until one starts to ask questions about the nature and origins of the deity, only to get lame excuses such as "We're not supposed to know."

6

I was raised Roman Catholic. I bought all of it and was even an altar boy at my church for 3 years from ages 8-11. I started questioning it in my teens and by the time I was in my early twenties, I'd left it all behind. But, like you, I didn't just give it up entirely. I went through stages, one of which was Deism -- the stage you're at.

You now reject the biblical God that you were taught but still cling to the idea there's some kind of God out there. There isn't but you'll come to that realization when you're ready. The fact that you were smart enough to start doubting all that Xian crapola means you're thinking about it rather than just blindly accepting it like most believers do. Religion relies on you shutting your brain off.

Don't.

Yeah, I believe is a process. A very long and (most of the time) painful one. There's that part of me who tries to cling to this idea of something bigger than us, but the other part is just "there is nothing after this life"

4

Welcome aboard!

Sometimes the best and most honest answer is “I don’t know”.

4

Welcome to Agnostic and agnosticism. I converted in my teens and lost my family. They are all fundamentalists Baptists.

I see no evidence that a god exists; that IMO would require a supernatural intervention, such as putting a satellite in orbit without a rocket or another man made device. On the other hand, there is no proof a god does not exist. The reason I do not believe in the Christian (or another) God is the claim that all people who do not believe in God are sinners, the bible claims that all the stars will fall to Earth at end of times, which is impossible because stars are millions of times bigger than Earth and even one colliding with Earth would vaporize everything. So, the bible was written by people who were ignorant of many things (not stupid, they just didn't know much).

I reasoned that God, who was supposed to have created the Universe, would have loved all his creations, whether Gay, alien or Christian. Consequently, IMO man invented Earth's gods (about 4000 of them) and wrote all the holy books. If you had been born to an Islamic family, you would have believed in Allah.

Everyone wants to feel safe; thus, belief in a god savior is a powerful thing. Some religions do not punish people for being gay. If you need religion, I recommend Buddhism; although, they do not believe in a god. For me, Buddhism is a good philosophy, but many practice Buddhism as a religion.

I spent a few decades of my life mulling over god(s) or not. This post is brief, and not necessarily a style that will affect your beliefs; though, I hope it helps. I think it will if you are searching for a realistic view of life and the world you live in. On the other hand, if you are emotionally centered instead of logically centered, none of this will mean much. In any case, I wish you success in making sense of you life, society, and the Universe.

Everything is a process, right? Trying to make sense of a world you quite can't understand is something really complicated

@RaiGab Yes, it is a complicated process. Having good friends to share the experience can help. Also if you accurately predict some aspects of the future and plan appropriately, you should have fewer bad surprises, but many things are chaotic and unpredictable.

4

Breaking from what you are told to be true can be really disorientating. As KK says, be gentle with yourself. No prizes for coming first here just the enjoyment of participating. We all get along, don’t get along, laugh and cry, agree and disagree, but in the end everyone means well. Whatever you decide is right for you will be right for you and nobody has the authority to tell you otherwise. Good luck.

4

"For the first time I felt understood and free."

Now you know what it's really like to be born again.

Welcome to our community, and thanks for sharing.

4

IMHO, others cannot resolve this for you. You have to think for yourself, understand who you are, who you want to be and what kind of life and philosophy you want for yourself. A decision based on your own experiences and conclusion has a power that the advice of others does not.

3

I have not really been in your shoes, but I'd like to welcome to you to forum.
Glad you found your way here and I hope you find some answers.

Thanks!

3

It must be very difficult breaking with religion. I was lucky to have never 'caught the desease' in the first place.

Good luck for the future - and if there are times when you feel lost, please remember that reason is a far better friend to you than a non-existant god can ever be.

3

Welcome RaiGab, I'm glad you found this site. You will find a lot of people here who understand what you are going through. It can be difficult learning a new way of looking at life without a god, but I believe you will become a much happier person for the effort. You don't need any label here. We all work toward logic, science and reason as a guiding light in our lives. I hope you too will find the peace a lot of us have found in being a part of this community.

3

You write extremely well for a non native speaker. I was raised atheist so I have little help to offer. Just keep on thinking and find people who you can talk to. Are there humanist, atheist, or agnostic meet up groups in your area?

Thank you! Actually not. Most of my friends and family are christians and Christianity is also the main religion here in Brazil so saying out loud something that is not aligned with the ideia of god can make people at least roll their eyes hahaha

2

I have not been in your kind of confused state, and still searching outward, but it seems normal to me. First we see things in a different light from what we first thought, after that we can’t understand how ‘things,’ can be a certain way and support us or anyone else. Standing in uncertainty, takes courage...we cannot see where it will lead us for certain.
I had a longer process, reaching my conclusions about god and religion in general and it was not tied up in my sexuality. It was still a process of discovery...I still feel that I have more to learn, although I cannot believe there is a god now. I wonder if there will ever be a settling of all knowledge about god or creation. But none of this bothers me, and I try and live the best life possible. I Hope the same for you.

2

Welcome to the site and freedom of thought.

After decades of study I've remained an apatheist. (link) I took my first two years in college in a southern Baptist institution so I have a firm understanding of that sect of xianity, but long before I was engrossed in studies of other religions old and new looking for answers to questions no one can truly know.

I might even today be called an agnostic theist in that I toy with "god theories" such as omnism, pantheism and deism. Still, there is that underlying fact I don't really care. The sun shines on believers and non of all types, and upon both the torrential rains will fall.

Best wishes on your journey into happy freethinking. Just don't break your brain over it.

I also suggest you beware the "knowers" of all types, theist and non. Nine of ten people "know" how the universe works and, since most of these always disagree on at least a few fundamental issues, all they are really trying to "share" are their personal delusions.

[en.wikipedia.org]

Thanks man!

1

Just remember if you can't question your beliefs you have questionable beliefs.... This seems to be one of the few times a man's dick lead him in the right direction and I congratulate you for listening to it... As for grammar I have seen much worse so I won't go full grammar Nazi on you ok?....

1

IMHO, god, or no god in some respects is sometimes not revelant.
What really matters is how one reflects one's self.
I have always been a huge proponent of those who will "believe" in them selves.
A great quote I've heard from many "non believers" is, Thank god for making me an Atheist.
True that's a joke or a pun, but the sentiment holds.
in the end it's really about how you feel about yourself.
And like you said " I realized that I didn't want to glorify a God who made me the way I am just to throw me in hell, who wants people to suffer just so they can look for him".
For the life of me I could never come to grips with the idea that a so called, "god" would punnish some one that he created to be what he wanted.
meh, I feel like I'm talking in circles here, but the gist is, Be, and live the way you want to.

1

Thanks for sharing and for opening your mind to new ideas. I hope you find what you're looking for whether it's here or elsewhere. Good luck and take care. 🙂

1

Hello RaiGab, I am new to this web myself, but being an atheist I felt quite at home. Your religious battles come from doctrine and nothing else. We are made of the same star dust as the universe and will always be part of that universe. Religion is man made to console because of the fear of death, but the energy of the universe doesn't die, it just changes form. You speak of a love that you have to deny because of faith; ask yourself what kind of God would forbid the feeling of love? You are a brave man RaiGab and I am sure you will find what you are looking for. Welcome.

1

I think that if there were a god that would condemn someone to eternal damnation for the way they were born, that god would be morally repugnant.

1

Howdy and welcome here. Yes, having a deistic thought is part of the deconversoin process.

1

you are a work in progress (aren't we all? but i mean regarding religion). you may remain a believer in some kind of god, or you may do what most of on this site would consider better and that is realize there are no gods, a scary realization UNLESS and UNTIL you also realize that this is not a bad thing. you can still be a good person. you can still stand up for your rights and not take crap for loving whom you love and being who you are. let me just say i think you're doing great so far and however it works out you have my admiration for giving it the amount of thought you have given it, and hopefully will continue to give it. you do not have to reach the same conclusion most of us here have reached (again, we hope you do lol). the fact that you are thinking at all puts you ahead of the game! so many just accept whatever they've been told, without thinking at all. good luck and keep us posted.

g

1

I can relate to a lot of what you say, other than being gay. I also went from the Catholic church and then left for similar reasons and joined a Evangelic church. I always felt like the Catholic parish I was a member of was trying to get rid of me, so after 15 years I left. The Evangelic church was so welcoming and caring, for a while, until after five years and my daughter died, they shunned me. I was shocked and hurt so I turned my back on Christianity forever. But like you I still felt the need for God in my life. I became a Christian Wiccan, and still studied the bible and biblical history. The more I studied the less I believed. I became a Wiccan and then a neo-pagan, and then a Humanist which is how I now self identify with a strong leaning to Atheist. I am still reading the bible and studying biblical history and again, the most I learn I become closer and closer to being just an Atheist. I would suggest you keep reading, studying, questioning and reflecting. Eventually you will find the answer you need for yourself.

1

welcome!

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