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How to get two over 6 ft tall teenagers to do chores around the house? Help!

The oldest is almost 17, 6 ft 2 in tall walks like a sloth, comes out of his room to go to the bathroom, comes out when my daughter (his servant) puts the meals o the table, goes back to his room after he eats, leaving plate there, she does his laundry, he plays games on the net from after dinner till 6am, then sleeps ALL DAY LONG. He never appreciates anything, he doesnt go to school, he is like a sloth. Stays up in the tree, eats and sleeps there only comes down once a week to crap. He walks like a slorh, looks like a sloth. I spent 5 miserable days at my daughters house, sleeping on the couch, seeing very disturbing things like he doesnt wash his hands after going to the bathroom.

The other boy is my own DNA grandson who isnt much better. He just turned 13.

I told my daughter, " when i gave birth to you 43 years ago, i never envisioned that you would become a servant to two lazy boys." It makes me so sad, i started to cry.

The oldest Nick has a long past of blowing up and physically hitting people even my daughter years ago.

I wish i could wave a wand and Nick goes back to Florida to his mom.

My thing is teenagers should be doing CHORES!!! Not sleeping all day, walking out of there rooms sneaking food in the muddke of the night.

I try to give ny daughter advice about the boys, assigning chores, teaching them to wash dishes, do their laundry, cut the grass, take out the trash, etc. teaches them how to care for themselves. Their current life style is not systainable.

BTW, my daughter is an evangelical christian and so is her husband. If she sets up rules and a chore list, he won't back her up.

Im just venting here because im furious at all of them. Neither of the boys offered me there bedroom so i had NO PRIVACY for five days.

For my next visit, i bought a 4 persin tent, akl the camping supplies needed, and set it up next to the barn and sleep with the horses. I can't look at those boys with being angry.

Sorry for the rant, ive been holding in the anger since i got home 4 days ago.

Katsarecool 7 July 1
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21 comments

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8

The only thing you can control is your reaction and your actions...why visit if they are not as keen as you are for the visit? You should be treated as a guest and if not, don't go and tell them why...

Do you think they care that you are angry? Obviously not...so are you going to give yourself a heart attack for something they don't give a shit about?

Ask yourself why you are visiting...to get angry? If it is not a positive thing for you, stop...at that age, they are beyond help unless your daughter sets her foot down...doesn't look like it from here...

Perhaps if she wants to see you bad enough, she can come visit alone...

Believe me, I'm questioning why I go over there, too. I have a beautiful 23 mt old grandchild, my daughter and the horses, too. Yup setting up camp in the pasture, inviting only those that respect me. BTW, I love camping!!

@Katsarecool well, then, hopefully, your grandbaby and those other things will over ride the anger...some things are best left alone so you can be positive with those good things! lol...and camping or a hotel sounds like a good compromise...

@thinktwice thank you. I'm all set for camping out. 😊

7

If understand you correctly your daughter is 43 years old.
She has made her life choices and is presumably happy with them.
You may not agree with them, but honestly it is none of your business, unless the slob actually physically assaults your daughter, then be there to offer her a bolt hole.
If you interfere, you will not be thanked for it and if you daughter wants to see you, have her come and visit you, tell her at your age you are not willing to camp out for the privilege of being ignored.
If she wants to visit you tell her there is no room for her boys, they will have to fend for themselves for a few days.
Just my suggestion.

Thanks

6

Not your house, evidently, so not your job to dole out chores.

Sounds fucked up, though. Sorry.

1of5 Level 8 July 1, 2019
5

There's nothing you can do. The time to have solved this problem was before it started. My sons are over six feet and it was not a problem.

By the way, their height has nothing to do with the issue: their upbringing has.

Actually it is part of the problem especially with the almost 17 yr old. He uses his size as intimadation.

@Katsarecool I understand, but I still stand by what I said. Again, my sons are both over six feet tall, and neither of them ever challenged my authority. They were more likely to challenge their father as his discipline was not consistent and he had no idea how to raise children. If one of my sons had ever tried to intimidate me, I would have called the cops, but they were not bullies.

@Gwendolyn2018 this is my daughter's stepson. Unfortunately his father ny daughters husband) is not a good disciplinarian. He humiliates, is sarcastic and downright cruel to all five of their kids. He has 3 by a previous marriage. My daughter has a daughter by previous marriage and they have one son together. He is inconsistent.

I love that line from the movie The Color Purple, when Whoopi says, "you kids are bad bad children" while sitting around the table.

The husband hasn't a clue how to raise kids!!! His three oldest kids are totally screwed up!!!

I never spanked my kids ever. I found excellent ways to "punish" when they disobeyed which they rarely did. I encouraged them supported them, I complimented them and they have turned out well. I wish my middle daughter would not be so sensitive, not let her sarcastic husband verbally abuse her. She's a good woman with a kind heart and does her best. Unfortunately her husband does not support her parenting decisions while at the same time fostering the disciplinary actions onto her. She gets to be the bad guy all the time.

My daughter's living situation is not good. I'm so unhappy for her. But she knows without a doubt that I love her and have her back. She is by far the better person and better parent .

I have bitten my tongue for over 13 years!!! But she knows I love and support her.

Again thanks y'all for putting up with my lengthy rant. I've NO ONE to talk about this with.

@Katsarecool Understood. You and I both know that discipline starts when children are young.

And rant away!

5

If either of those bundles of joy manages to make a baby with someone, that someone might really need your help. Other than that, sounds like you should stay away.

3

I understand what u saying . I am sorry u feel bad .
The problems has none to do w chores or height or such .
Violent behavior , not going to school , that's the problems .
Your daughter will have to sit down w self and experts in child psychology and decide if she is willing to change her parenting and how .
The kid did not went to game store w his money 10 yrs ago and learned to value video games more than reality / goals / education . Escaping reality is what he does for more than a decade it seems . Dropping out of school AND remain reciepient of " normal sheltered life " seems like it was permitted some how ?
Your daughter needs to think a lot and act even more . I see how all of this are hurting u .
Personally I don't believe on house chores . Child labor doesn't not amuse me at all . If a child wants to help Bcz he loves me and feels my pain , great . If not , that's alright .
A child's primary job is education / learning . If free time , hobbies and recreation . We bring them into this world , we owe them the best possible conditions .
I have never lifted a finger at my fathers house πŸ˜‚
He told us , " study . Learn . Rest . While I am alive and can afford it . When u are educated and independent , u will learn how to wash dishes . Isn't that big brains involved "πŸ˜‚
He was right πŸ˜‚βœŒπŸ»

Thank you

Very good points. I am having household chore problems with my youngest ....12. 2 issues ) #1 He does not want to do much. Yes, hooked on screens 2) When he does help out usually he does a poor job and complains.

SO perhaps I should be more patient. OTOH, I see a continuing tailspin if I don't get some support from Momma

3

Too many teenagers are acting just like the boys. But that doesn't make it right.

If they were my son's, there would be a chore list, I'd enforce it and i would not remind them. As punishment, I'd take away their devices and cut off the internet at 11 pm for as long as necessary. Thanks for listening to my rant!!!

2

I told mine if they ever raised a hand to me they'd best never sleep under my roof again cause I'd kill them in their sleep. When my oldest boy dropped out of school, he paid rent & got to grow up quick (he went back to school & is a now a middle aged homeowner & contributing member of society)

My kids had chores out the gate & if chores didn't get done, games were taken, along w/power cords & locked in the trunk of my car. I'm 5'1" & my boys towered over me by the time they were 12 but they never raised their voice or hand to me.

It would be a shock if 1 morning they woke up to find things had changed.

It would be a shame if the internet went down....or the password got changed until chores were done.

It would be a shame if folks had to fix their own plates.

Too bad clothes don't wash themselves & everyone is responsible for their own laundry.

18 isn't far away & he'll be legal & can be evicted.

At some point, both of these guys are going to run I to the wrong one & it's not gonna be pretty.

2

If being there is unpleasant, why visit? Invite your daughter to visit you - alone.

2

Sometimes you just have to let it out, and that's ok. Rant away.

Thank you I do feel better. It allowed me to make a plan that suits me perfectly.

2

Grrrr welcome to my world....

So sorry to hear this!

2

Stop being a servent. Stop cooking for them, tell them to get their own meal. Buy some easy to make frozen food (hiotpockets, etc.). Stop washing there cloths andvtell them if they want clean clothes, do it themselves. Stop cleaning their bedroom, tell them if they want a clean room do it themselves. They will resist at first, but do not give in. If the oldest strikes your daughter, call the police. Let him be responsible for his actions. The key is you cannot give in and return to previous behavior. Not easy, but your daughter is the adult in the room. Take control and be the adult.

I'm not the servant. My daughter is.

@Katsarecool
Thats who I was referring. Sorry for the miscommunications.

1

I never stay at anyone’s home, it’s a golden rule of mine, I want the people I am visiting to have a great time, besides cooking and trying to entertain me. I need down time and so do they, so I usually rent a cottage nearby where they can visit, bbq, swim, canoe etc., we all have a great time and afterwards everyone goes home or to a cottage they rented to be there at the same time I am there. It is wonderful because everyone has quality time.

1

It's not your house, you can't change the rules or lack thereof of someone else's house.

Dysfunctional or not, it is your daughter and son in law's right to live as they wish within the law.

If you can't tolerate it, then don't stay there.

I know I sound harsh but I had a similar situation with my daughter although the specifics were different and I finally had to accept that I could not change her behavior nor did I have a right to but could only control MY reaction to it.

I was furious all the time and was constantly on her about what she was doing wrong to no avail; in fact, the harder I pushed the more she dug in which created misery for everyone.

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

@Katsarecool It was rough for a long time but she finally turned her life around and Im very proud of her but it had nothing to do with me and everything with how she decided things had to change.

Hopefully your daughter will make changes too.

1

You asked a vital question I had no answer with my 3 teen step children half siblings to my toddler daughter 1997......I thought divorce was the only answer as my ex (now) was loyal to her ex then .....maybe I should have camped outside with a sign: dad on strike until teens clean up after themselves

1

It wasn't up to the boys to offer - it was up to the parents to speak to them beforehand.

That's pretty appalling because those kids are being raised with really false expectations of the world where everything is handed to them with zero effort. It's not going to do them any favors - because they're going to be really shocked when they become responsible for themselves. (If they ever do).

I think your daughter needs actual therapy. I don't know why she's putting up with this.

Did she have concerns? Or was she okay with this as it is?
And if you do suggest therapy - please make sure she doesn't just go see some pastor who tells her to "suck it up". That is NOT the right course of action here.

A Summer job for the one who lives in his bedroom. That's a course of action.
(I mean unless he's actually disabled in some fashion).

I agree totally!!!

1

love them and support them.

1

My sincere hope that it's better now getting it off your chest probably felt good I wish you well.πŸ€—

Thank you! It did.

1

Too late imho. These things should have been taught and put into effect a DECADE ago.
I still deal with shitheads (adults?) at work. Un fixable is what they are

twill Level 7 July 1, 2019

It isn't too late. They are just teens. There's still time for them to learn to take others into consideration, which is what this is really about, I think.

@bingst you hit the nail on the head! Thank you!

@Katsarecool I also know, as everyone should, I am a far different person than I was in my teens. Chief among those differences is that I'm more considerate of others. I guess, given more life experience, we're better able to put ourselves in other peoples' shoes.

@bingst exactly!

1

It's not wise to reward disrespectful behavior with attention. If you only look at people and smile when they are being respectful to you and to themselves, but suddenly remember things you have to do at home whenever people act out, you quickly train them to discipline themselves if they want to be around you.

0

I've just ordered a pop up 4 person tent, a twin size heightened blow up mattress comes with electric pump, lantern, 2 camp chairs, a cooler. I already have sleeping bags and a Coleman stove. The tent has an electric outlet, I have an outdoor extension cord, a small oscillating fan/heater. I will set up the tent off the back deck, plug in the fan, phone charger, lantern, watch Hulu and Netflix on my phone. In the daytime, I can take my folding chair out into the pasture, spend time with the mares (who I love immensely) either reading, crocheting and playing and walking the girls in the 5 acre shaded pasture. So if those boys get on my last nerve, I now have an escape plan and privacy.

My daughter is looking forward to our private place, too.

BTW, I adore camping out under the stars. The top half is screened in. But there is a zippered rain top. I'm tickled with this compromise.

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