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I'm anxious. I think it's starting to spiral into depression. I need to stop the process, so I'm just going to vent here, and it will be long. I can't vent on FB, because what's giving me anxiety is my family.

I'm being pressured by my brother (the only one left I still talk to) to attend our aunt's 90th birthday party this Saturday. My aunt thinks she and I were "close" when I was a child, so she's hurt that I don't come around. The truth, IMO, is she was the only one of my mother's siblings I had regular access to, but I was always kind of annoyed by her. It got worse as I got older and more political, and I realized she was a Dittohead who regularly put down "lefties" as being handout-seeking losers.

Of those attending the party, I'd guess 85-90% are either religious nuts, Republicans, or both. I can't even imagine trying to converse with any of them. I hate small talk, and I've been away so long, few know what my life has been like the past few years, and I'm not in the mood to answer a lot of questions.

On top of that, my middle boy was recently in town, from China. He and I had a nice dinner one night, he took my grandson to see a drum corps comp, and we took my other grandson to an outdoor concert (a band that my son knows from high school). That all sounds great, except that he and I gained access to the grandkids via my youngest son's ex-wife.

My youngest and I stopped speaking a couple years back, mostly because of his 2nd wife, so I'm closer with his ex and her new husband. The ex makes seeing my grandsons easy, she's always happy to let me take them, and is grateful her boys have so many loving people in their lives. My son wants total control of who his kids are around, he doesn't like his brother, and thinks I'm Hitler wrapped in Satan.

So, all last week was a family feud, with my youngest son picking text fights with my daughter, middle son, and ex-wife. He doesn't have my new phone number, otherwise he wouldve been attacking me as well.

Now, this weekend, my daughter is coming from out of state. She made plans with my estranged sons (her oldest brother and twin), where I'm not welcome, and then gave me her availabilty.

So, it's looking like this Saturday I need to choose whether I want to be around people I don't connect with, answering questions about what my kids are doing now, or be alone feeling awful that I'm not the family matriarch I set out to be 38 years ago.

If I had some money, I could find something fun to do to keep my mind occupied, but it's summer, so I'm broke.

I'm already starting the anxiety meltdown that I know will be in full swing by Friday night.

Vent complete. If you read it, thanks. If you didn't, thanks.

Ms_McSteven 7 July 8
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20 comments

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2

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sucks when family doesn't get along. Rest assured you're not alone. Do what works for you, concentrate on the people you care about, and limit your time with the rest.

From what I have seen on these boards and the reaction when I have shared about my family here in the past, I get the feeling that most of those on Agnostic are estranged from their family, usually over religion I bet, and also over the members here being non-conformist in general while their family members remain very conformist, the other main reason I suspect they are estranged. Then, there is also the common reason for estrangement for the rest of the members here, namely having dysfunctional relatives or the simple fact that many of us simply grow up to have nothing in common with our family except the accident of blood ties and having grown up together.

This subject would make a good poll. I may do one and use the above reasons as choices/reasons for why the member is estranged from all or most of their immediate family.

@TomMcGiverin Mine are more of the dysfunctional sort.

@bleurowz Mine are a mix of the main three, dysfunctional, their conformity vs. my non-conformity, and the least contributing factor being differences over religion. My two younger siblings never even talk about religion with me, but my older sister is evangelical.

@K9Kohle789 One or two in mine. Most do it in a very passive-aggressive way, very underhanded, so they give the impression of calm and collected. Makes you think that you're the crazy one.

@TomMcGiverin Be sure to include a “not estranged” option. Also maybe “not estranged, but I don’t seek them out”

2

I am sorry, I have no advice except, if you decide to go, keep it short and don't drink alcohol.

1

I thought mine was bad. Now that my parents are both dead, I can now avoid seeing my siblings for a while and that's what I plan to do until one of them or their spouses die. I do have a cousin near Chicago that I would like to go see sometime that is a cool person, as is her hubby. I also have my godparents in California who are old and sick, probably the next ones to die. They are richer than God and think that Reagan was the best prez ever. Not sure if I will bother going to their funerals or not. I admire your guts for going to the party even tho you are struggling.

@Ms_McSteven I can relate. When I attend a family gathering, which these days usually means a funeral, I can usually find a couple people to hang with that are cool people. In the case of my father's funeral trip, it was my cousin from the Chicago area, her hubby, and her son. Her health is not that good, so I don't know if she will be at the next funeral for my family, since it will probably be another ten years or more.

3

Go on Friday to visit her and give her hugs. Make up some lie to tell her why, much as you want to and indeed would love to, you can't make it Saturday.Open heart surgery, launching liberal revolution, whatever. Have some lone time with her, share a couple of good memories and hit the highway. Win for aunty/win for you/fueck'em all for crazed relatives.

I was thinking along those same lines.

2

Wow. I feel like I need to make a flowchart to keep track of all that drama.

I do hope you are able to find some safe space.

Sometimes it is a good thing to suck it up and be nice to the old people.

Especially 90 old.

2

You don’t have to stay there for every, go for a while and you will make your aunt happy. Remember that it takes two to tango, so look at what did you add to those situations.

@Ms_McSteven you need to stop beating yourself up about what your grown up kids think you should have done different. You probably did the best you could under the circumstances that prevailed then. Sounds like you want them to say it’s ok, and as I don’t know what happened I cannot say much about the situation. Beating yourself up will not change anything.

@Ms_McSteven It is a cool city and a very cold one at the moment too. What are they doing here?

@Ms_McSteven Canberra is relative small. We now have a new tram system to that is great and the bus service is getting better and better. So her not driving will not be a problem. The university is almost in the centre of the city so getting an apartment and using public transport will be easy for her. If I can help in any way do ask. I am happy to be of assistance if I can. I belong to the University Film club so frequent it almost weekly too. You can message me and I am happy to give my phone number /email address if they need any help or have any questions.

2

I don’t have a close family or extended family, not because we are all angry and disagree with one another, we don’t. We just live all over the place and getting together is difficult and unnecessary as we are all extremely independent. One thing I can suggest is stop thinking it’s you against them...and think more like “us or we”. Find some commonalities. That does NOT mean to go to the reunion. Oh hell no. Just find commonalities on a one on one basis. And then be happy you are independent of the other bs.

3

Families can suck.I said it elsewhere that often the DNA link puts you together with people you wouldn't be interested in otherwise. And I think we all seem to have rightwing moonbat relatives. Your aunt is 90. I would be tempted to go see her, even if just for a hit and run meeting. (you can tell the righties you have to leave to go to a Planned Parenthood or AOC fan club meeting). If auntie wasn't approaching her personal endtime, I'd say skip it but since she might go to that big FOX show in the sky any time, it might be worth saying hi/bye to her now.

2

It can be boiled down to this: the richer people get, the more they want to keep what is theirs.
They become prone to an ideology which casts poor people as parasites.
They become vested in keeping the system "as is," since their wealth depends on it. A revolution of ANY kind is the last thing they want!
They embrace religious groups which flatter their wealth, tell them it means god is rewarding them for their intelligence, hard work, perserverence, and goodness.
This is human nature.
When in doubt, human beings ask first, what is best for them as individuals. As they get wealthier, ideologies change to fit their changed circumstances.
So don't blame these people for their beliefs and attitudes. It takes very special people to go against their own self-interests, AS THEY PERCIEVE THEM.
Rightly or wrongly, they are simply taking the path of least resistance, doing what comes naturally.
In my opinion, agnosticism changes the game. But they better get there (and keep it to themselves) BEFORE they get rich. Afterwards it's often too late.

@Ms_McSteven Maybe. What I've gathered, it's ALWAYS about money if you dig deep enough. Maybe the brainwashers and propagandists (whose motives ARE pecuniary) USE guns, abortion, whatever's handy, to sway the dumb, ignorant, naive, and gullible to vote against their self-interest.

@Ms_McSteven ,
they sound like a bunch of assholes that you need to avoid.

@callmedubious Especially if they've been drinking!

0

Does singing Let It Be Let It Be Whisper Words of Wisdom Let It Be....help ?.....yeah listening to Carly Simon 46 years ago I thought I would be a beloved grandpa teaching boys to be MEN and girls to be FREE... REALITY rarely fits the poem or dream desired.....sounds like you are a good person refusing to snipe or control like others....go to the 90ish birthday party if they have reefer to smoke booze on ice or a high school sweetheart is good at protecting you from Rrruusssshah dingy Crazy GREEDY LIMPboss radio cult liars dittoheads

1

Feel terrible for you. My family SUCKS! I don't speak to anyone but my dad. Thieves, liars, and crooks! Can't believe I'm actually related.to those cretins! I left you a message on your page. Good luck. Just be you. And be happy.

2

I would SO find something else to do ! Find somewhere to volunteer your time, go to a good park, and walk - far ! , visit a friend, invite a friend, go to your local shelter and visit the animals there - walk dogs - they'll love it ! Be kind to yourself. Breathe, meditate, do yoga. You've done nothing wrong !

1

If it was me I would go with a full load of facts but any decision you make I would also back for it's your decision to make. Be strong, best wishes. And good luck!

2

You sound like me! I haven't had any contact with my dysfunctional, illiterate, reactionary, "family" members in probably 20 years. Nor do I care to!

3

Save yourself and the money and go for a nice long hike in a park or something, assuming the weather is nice. Or, if it's not, just go for a drive. Flip a coin to pick the direction and go for it. Drive down roads you've never taken and see where they lead with the radio and air-conditioning turned up and sing at the top of your lungs. Get somewhere where you have to use GPS to get home. It's incredibly therapeutic.

Take yourself out to eat, go see a funny movie, a trip to the zoo, go get a banana split, take a long walk in nature (Take someone with you), go hang out with friends who have small kids and have a fun conversation.

I've got a family much like yours. I come up with many fun things to do instead. Good luck and enjoy your day!!!

4

Families can be very difficult to understand and keep the peace with at times. I have a difficult situation with my oldest son's wife and it does make any family get together for birthdays holidays or anniversaries very difficult. I have chosen to stay away from the oldest son as he supports his wife in her cruelty toward me. Sometimes you just have to write them off and move forward with those you can get along with in the family. Sending hugs your way.

@Ms_McSteven I've had issues with this one DIL for over 20 years now and pretty much would just stuff my thoughts and feelings about her narcissistic behavior so we could all get together for family functions. She got immensely worse toward me after my husband past away last June. It was during the first few months that I really needed my son's help and I see now her cruelty toward me got even worse whenever I would call my son for help with something. I've gone to a lot of therapy to learn to deal with all the hatefulness from her. Thank goodness my younger son has been there for me and totally understands my feelings about her. It's sad for me to lose my son because of her, but as you say, they will choose the one giving them sex, and to not have to listen to the bitching from the wife. I hope life gets easier for you as time goes on.

@Ms_McSteven you have certainly had a life full of challenges, and heartbreak. Our children can hurt and disappoint us terribly at times, but parenthood offers no guarantees that our kids will turn out as we would like them to. I've had my struggles with my two sons, nothing like what you've endured, but difficult. My hat is off to you for persevering through it all and being able to share your story here. It's one reason why I love this site because one finds kindness support and empathy here. Whatever you decide to do about going to the party it will be the right decision. Go with what your head tells you is best for your highest good. 🤗

1

If it were me, which I know it isn't, I'd be telling the lot of them to taking a flying leap into a rolling donut.
I'd definitely skip the old aunt's birthday thing. I wouldn't give the old bat another thought. I'd also be skipping her inevitable funeral, too.

Good luck.

@Ms_McSteven All the more reason to stay away.
People can be just as toxic as poison.
Would you willingly drink poison??

@Ms_McSteven In that case, if you think you'll end up having some fun with a lively political argument, go on and go, if it'll keep you distracted.
Remember to mention 45's connection to Epstein, and walking in on underage pageant contestants. If they bring up Clinton, say he should go to prison too. That'll really hang 'em up. LOL

😉

3

I would skip for sure...

2

I can only say do what you think is best for you. I personally would not go, I have no family left that I talk to very often at all. This is sometimes lonely for me but I do enjoy not interacting with people who would see others suffer so they don't have to pay taxes etc!

3
  1. Just because you are related to someone, doesn't mean you are going to like them, or have to be around them.

  2. Your specific problem, a woman of 90, who will be hurt by your absence.....go, hug/shake her hand, wish her well, leave. Total time invested, maybe 30 minutes(including parking). When she leaves this earth, you will be glad you did.

  3. Stop interacting with these people!...see #1, above.

This is the best advice in my opinion and what I would advocate.

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