Today is my maternal biological grandpas birthday, and I was thinking about him a lot.

In loving memory I looked at his facebook and behold his first and last statuses, the only two he made lol. Pretty much sums him up as a person.

He was a genuine guy. He was a terrible gambling addict, womanizer, and he had a drinking problem and beat my grandma before they divorced, but he got sober and did what he could to be a good father and grandpa. He tried his best, for what he could. I always loved him, and always felt loved by him. Never once did I see the bad sides that mom and grandma revealed to me as I got older, but I know they happened. He has roughly 12 daughters across the world from various women, because he was a philanderer, and he gambled away his 2 million dollar inheritance within months, but still he always tried his best to do right by us kids and to show us he loved us.

When he had his heart problems and got hospitalized it was only a month and a half after my step-grandpa who lived with us and I was really close to died in my arms of the same thing. I have severe PTSD over it, and so I sat with him for a few minutes before I just couldn't bear to be in there anymore and had my father take me to the titanic museum to distract me. I feel so guilty about it. That was the last time I would see my grandpa again, and instead of spending his final day with him I cowered away and buried myself in a museum to avoid the trauma. He must have felt so scared and alone. I feel so selfish and cruel. How could I do that to him?

I know deep down that he probably understood and didn't at all begrudge me for it, but I do. I'm mad at myself for it.

Ah my fathers dad died last year tomorrow too. Luckily I hold no regrets with him, nor trauma, nor sadness in my heart. His was expected and we all made our peace as it came.

Still, there is a lot of pain in my heart for words left unspoken and loved ones gone away.