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What does compatible mean to you? How alike does a potential mate have to be before they are considered compatible? I realize there are deal breakers like religious differences but are we carrying it too far with all this alikeness? My late husband and I had been married 37 years and we were pretty much exact opposites but we were too young to know that might be a problem.

Redbud 5 Apr 1

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24 comments

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9

I do not necessarily need someone who is like me. I need someone who is flexible and curious and willing to grow and change. Life would be boring if I only had someone like me to talk to.
My late husband was an engineer and provided both complementary skills and an outlook that balanced mine. I think that both have their values. In fact, I have had to grow new skills to fill in the gaps since he died. I do believe that some people do get very specific about what they are looking for. I honestly think that this is a sign of limited life experience.

I agree with all but your last sentence. With decades of diverse life experiences, I am very specific about what I am looking for as I have learned by my and other's mistakes, what "not" to accept.

8

I don't want someone who needs to be joined at the hip with me. There are many things I do that are very solo activities. My sewing room is set up for one, for example. So I have my activities I want him to have his activites and interests. But the "big" stuff, politically, religion or lack there of, other values we should share. We need to have some interests and activities in common or otherwise why be together. If he is a social butterfly that would be great, because that would balance my hermit tendencies as long as we are respectful of each others needs. I don't want a male carbon copy of me, I want someone who fills in my deficits and adds a new dimension to me/for me and I to him.

8

No its different for everyone. I recently flew out too opposite coast to meet fellow member. I thought we had a lot incommon - cultural background, anti-Trump, progressive, liberal, etc. However, there were things we were complete opposites on and most importantly no chemistry. I found out that tobacco smokers, neat freaks and controllers are beyond my boundaries.

7

I think it's one of those things you have to feel out. You either know it or you don't. It's hard to give a laundry list, because it's not something tangible, like looks or interests or what they do for a living. A big component for me is if someone "gets" me and vice-versa. I've also found that the more I can know and appreciate myself, the more I can recognize what I want or don't want in another person. And even if I think I'm right, I'm not! But I'm damn close.

6

I'm in the process of deciding that right now with someone I've been seeing for a bit over a month. We have some key outdoor activites in common, and he treats me very well. And the things I thought would be an issue : religion, political stance, and recent widower, have turned out to be not so much of a problem , as the fact that he is simply not very curious , and does not read much of anything. So we're having too many moments lately, where I bring up a topic, and see in his eyes that suddenly "wha ?" look. That , and the fact that even though I find him attractive - he is minimally sexual or passionate. A big one one for me ...
The prognosis is not stellar.

6

Compatible means able to treat each other with caring, dignity, and respect and enjouing the companionship of the other. What we are able to tlerate varies hugely with the people involved.

6

My husband and I are not exactly alike, but we do have a fair amount in common. We both enjoy doing a lot of the same activities, enjoy a lot of the same movies, television shows and books.That being said, there are also a lot of things that he says or does that I will never understand (such as his joy in debating politics). I do think there needs to be enough in common in order to be compatible. How much alike does that need to be, I guess that depends on the couple.

6

I can honestly get along with most people. It mostly just comes down to respect in my experience, as long as my significant other can respect my opinions and vice versa--there's never been an issue with differences.

Mea Level 7 Apr 1, 2018
5

My ex husband and I were very different. He was conservative and I was liberal. He thought the man was head of the family and I am a feminist. He was Christian and I am Pagan. We were married for 25 years and made it work. After we divorced, we remained good friends. I think the way things are now, I would have a hard time living with a Trump supporter. I have friends who support him and we have a terrible time trying to find common ground , since they are such cultists and closed minded now. It doesn't seem to matter how vile he is, they make excuses for him. I am ok with a conservative, even though I don't get it, but Trump isn't a conservative. He is a plutocrat and fascist.

I don't know how you did it....for 25 years...no way I could have lasted.

5

I think at this point in my life that we need to be politically similar..

Athough not necessarily a dealbreaker, I think that people that come from vastly different backgrounds will struggle more.

It has been my experience that the one with the most money will try to exert more power even if unknowingly. Same with people who have a superior education.

I have been on both sides economically and usully the better educated. Looking back, I think I was guilty of that a bit.

So true. I gave been with men in better financial situations , eventually things always had to be about them. I got tired of it.

5

The better question is what’s incompatible. Lack of an interest in sex. Far right wing. Emotionally immature. Emotionally unstable.

5

With regard to "compatibility" I am mindful of what Einstein said about mathematics, therefore, I do wonder about algorithms that purport to match people with similiar interests.

Albert Einstein: "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality".

5

To me compatibility is about being able to admire, even celebrate differences. Closely aligned with desire.

5

Tough call. Chemistry will carry only so far. Sex....that is a compatability issue. Politics is another. World view is another. The older I get the less I'll settle for. I'll know it when I see it but to describe it..........that's the rub.

4

I look for someone who is the right balance of opposite and alike.

4

I don't go for alike .. i look for trust - the ability to see other points of view and empathy. Patience.. calmness, humour, intelligence and blind raving wildness !!

My attraction is destroyed if trust is .. it;s all about that for me.. like you say there are other "conditions" lol

4

I think it's like a two-piece jigsaw. you don't have to have the same interests but you do have to fit.

3

Compatible doesn't mean the same. A nut and a bolt can be compatible.
I would like a relationship where our beliefs, attitudes interests and such are 80% compatible. Say for instance, I like to surf, and she likes to lie on the beach, that is compatible, if she likes to surf, that is awesome.
If we have different perspectives on things, that can be great as well if we both like to learn and are willing to examine our own beliefs as well as theirs.
The remaining 20% could be when we have time alone, time with friends the other does not like, participating in hobbies the other has no interest in.

3

Beats me.

2

Being compatible does not mean being the same (as your experience with your husbands showed). Compatible means you get along, you enjoy each other's company even where you disagree. And you are able to deal with your differences in a mutually respectful way. Personally, I'd probably get really bored with someone who mirrored me to a large extent. If I wanted to date myself, I wouldn't be out here. 😉

Of course, that doesn't mean there would be no deal-breakers. I couldn't relate to a Trump supporter, a bigot, or a mean-spirited person. Mutual respect is a biggie.

2

Loaded question. Last relationship I had was with a recent widower. We had no problems with religion...both raised in Catholic schools thru the 12 the grade, and now not religious either of us. Sexually, both compatable despite being in our 60's. The problem s for me was his unwillingness to move, house too big, steep stairways 4 bedrooms and at least a half an acre to take care of. Too much for me. Also his every day afternoon wine drinking and having me be his driver. When it got down to it he wanted to replace his wife with me without him having to change a thing. It was all on me to cut the muster. I cut my losses and moved on.

2

Hmm... Little of both makes for a harmonious relationship, I think? People who allow themselves to bend complete will for another will never be happy in my experience. People who are exactly like their mate my feel comfortable with less conflicts. Maybe that's compatibility? Would seem easier but exciting? I don't know that it would be?

1

Everyone is unique. And none of us is perfect. We won't be one hundred percent compatible. I think I'm looking for someone interesting. Someone with at least some of the points of reference that I have. I think in general women have things that interest them and men have things that interest them, with some cross-over. I think common ground would be music, movies, books, TV shows, animals and some other interests. Don't necessarily believe in a "soulmate" but believe there needs to be a connection. Compatible sex-drives would be a bonus, but we spend most of our time not engaged in sexual activity.

1

I've found that political apathy more than politcal difference is a deal killer. Lifestyle choices drinking, diet, etc. can be problematic. But what I think is a real problem is vastly different music tastes. I am a musician and love all good music, which is not the same as popular. I dated a woman who only listened to 80s hair bands and her daughters autotuned pop crap. Plus I have hundreds of books, she had a Bible and two cookbooks. That's not gonna work.

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