Agnostic.com

15 4

OKAY....I've come to a realization about something. Relationships. Any kind....love, business, friend....but specifically a relationship regarding 2 people.

This particular dynamic: Many times, a person strives to prove that they are right, or correct about something. And that person wants to be acknowledged that they are indeed correct. Or at least a fundamental truth accepted. Or a shrug. That's one thing. One sort of behavior. It's fair. It's OK. No horn tooting. Move on forward.

What's happened to me, that opened my eyes is this: A person in the relationship does not care about who is right. What is correct. What is truthful. That person only wants to prove me wrong. Damn the Torpedoes Baby, it's all about making me feel small.

It got to the point where I was going to try opposites. Like, instead of noting that the sky is blue, and being told that it is not, I should say that the sky is, IDk...yellow?!! and then the other person would no, it's blue and we could agree on some truth. But I'd have to lie, or be wrong first, to get there.

So ....is this maliscious? Obviously it's hurtful. It's definitely a sign that the relationshp is twisted and not healthy. It's a lot of things none of them good.

twill 7 Apr 17
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

15 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

I've known someone my entire life who does that.

I eventually concluded it is more to prove he is smart than anything else.

I see two or three parts to the contradicting habit

1, 2. You are wrong
(I know what you are saying and also that it is wrong, so I know twice as much as you do)

  1. (optional)
    and I know the opposite is right - (I know three times as much about this as you thought)

Sad but true, Huh?

I would continue and say I've only seen it as an American behaviour because while most people keep more to themselves, many Americans do like to say 'I'm smarter than you'.

And it should be predominantly among the middle class, the people who make a living in between the owners and the workers, who tell other people what to do and therefore value themselves by what they know or some kind of indicator of their great mental abilities.

I've known people who really live their careers, a nurse who is impeccably careful in everything she does, and won't do anything even something unimportant unless she understands it exactly. Someone who ran a bar who seemed able to talk to anyone but soon worked out everyone's core behaviours and motivations.

The American middle class, well what can you say? They hold the opinions they think will best further their own prospects. As for truth, that's not something they or even most people seem to care much about anyway.

1

Sometimes the person who has to constantly prove you wrong does so because they were constantly told by someone else in their past (parent ? teachers ? significant others ?) that they were wrong about pretty much everything. At some point they begin to believe that they can only validate themselves by diminishing you. Its easy enough to just disregard people like that unless they are your spouse or significant other - or your boss - in which case you have some decisions to make. Your last sentence is insightful....

1

people who are never wrong are liars. Mark my word.

0

It should be fun winding thembup like that ?

0

I lived that for far too long.

1

Every so often, you just gotta book.

2

Thanks for everyone's responses so far. I should say that this person is / was a business partner. ( (Although, at the end of my marriage, my ex wife was carrying on similarly, but not as extreme. )

Although these relationships have ended, just recently, looking back have I gained this new perspective.

twill Level 7 Apr 17, 2018
2

Arguing and contradicting a partner is a female trait. Women are typically in charge of hetero relationships, so want to keep the upper hand. In fact, a famous study shows that the only relationships that succeed long-term are those where the man yields to his wife.

But that sounds like many of the people on this website. Not surprising, since creative, high IQ people are frequently androgyne, even they don't know it. It doesn't matter what I say, or how commonly certain things are known, someone will pop up to contradict and challenge me, declaring "fake news!" It's so annoying that I've almost reached the conclusion that dating someone high IQ is more annoying than it's worth. Better to have a less intelligent, but nice person.

@evestrat LOL! You are illustrating what I meant.

@evestrat I constantly post links to these studies, both in my past posts and in my replies to others, but people like you keep asking again and again for links without checking my past posts, until I no longer care if you agree with me or not. I studied gender issues for years. I speed read and read piles of books, science article links and studies, joined forums, and experience this stuff first had as a gender fluid person. Go ahead and yell "fake news"-you're like many others on this site..which often reminds me of an alt-right site.

@evestrat I don't want to list all the gender trait links from years of reading, but pickiness, being critical, choosy, etc. are female traits. Cis hetero females are the ones running the cis hetero relationships. They choose the mates. They simply look at all the male suitors and pick the ones that give them best advantage.

You'll never see a cis hetero woman marrying a handsome drug addict homeless guy, for instance, or a janitor. If men are picky, they are only showing their female traits.

Most cis hetero men pursue the youngest, prettiest female they can find, no matter what she does for a living. It's all about what they see.
You might be a female, but you are apparently male-ish female, as most women on this forum are (including me)..since creative, high IQ people are mostly androgyne.

Link: The creative mind is usually androgyne
[blogs.psychcentral.com]

3

Your last couple sentences sum it up nicely. Not a healthy relationship.

Deb57 Level 8 Apr 17, 2018

Thanks. I wonder if there is some sort of diagnosis/ name/ definition of this type of behavior.

@twill l I think that it's one of these personality disorders: [psychiatry.org]
The initial link describes cluster A, you can click for cluster B and C.

3

I have been in a relationship that deteriorated to exactly that point. I am not sure how it got to there, but I couldn't say it any better than you did: "Obviously it's hurtful. It's definitely a sign that the relationship is twisted and not healthy. It's a lot of things none of them good."

1

A good relationship is kind, forgiving, compromising... sometimes there is enough of a buildup that a break is needed whether due to stress or whatever it may be. Distance (a break) helps gain perspective. Hopefully that’s all that’s needed in case it was once a loving relationship? Quiet time to help reflect on what’s important and sort out the feelings one is bombarded with. But ultimately the biggest reason any kind of relationship breaks down is communication. When it gets to this level of opposition my experience with something similar is that when stress levels rise, how one deals with it, especially if overwhelmed by the stress, may be unhealthy and ultimately the shrapnel may hit a close target. Show that you care and are there if/when they need. Maybe the other person just needs time to figure and sort things out?

5

This isn't a healthy relationship. Competition and control have no place in a relationship, especially a romantic one.

2

Some people would rather be right than be kind. Winning at all cost is not winning. The question Ann Landers used to ask was: Are you better off with them or without them?

4

A couple that doesn't have to prove each other wrong makes a healthy relationship.

8

That is a sign of discontent. The person is trying to push you away for some reason. Believe me, I know this ploy. He/she is unhappy and wants to put psychic distance between the two of you.

There is no doubt, to me, that the person I am thinking of is unhappy

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:60270
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.