1. Because I was a Rescuer/Fixer and ignored red flags.
2. I didn't want to abandon her initially and then realized she had a personality disorder and was petrified of false allegations, which are common with the disorder.
3. Yes, I work on me, less likely to ignore red flags and prefer to be single over drama.

1. I didn't chose the wrong person. He was the very best person for me for close to 20 yrs. Things happen over that period of time people change, it's natural. We split after 28 yrs.
2. 20+ years is a big investment in one person, I wasn't going to just throw it away. I felt all options had to be explored. I still loved this man, I just couldn't live with him anymore. It was affecting me mentally and physically but I had to leave a good, good man.
3. I've made a tremendous amount of changes, working on myself for 7 years, being happy with who I am. Now I'm ready to be serious. I was out of the dating game a long time. Really don't know what I'm doing. Just trying to wing it the best I can.

Without trying to disagree with you. Plenty of people ended up in the wrong relation. My personal experience... all my relationships were correct and right at the time. If they were not meant to last a lifetime does not mean they were wrong for me and her. We learn from every one and we adapted to the difference in each of us. In all my lifetime of chasing skirts only one ended not in a Friendly Hug. And I noticed I was 20 and she 26 at the time. Now having said that, there is only one incident that after breaking the relation I returned later to it 6-9 months later and I ended marrying her. Marriage lasted 19 years with three wonderful well adjusted children now adults. Maybe the rollercoaster of in and out of the relation is what sour those not feeling lucky in love. I consider me lucky, very lucky of having great relations while they lasted and my lovers are now friends without bitterness or regrets. Wishing You All Good Luck in your search for a Witness to the rest of your Life.

Why do you think you chose the wrong person for yourself?

I met someone who, on the surface, seemed charming and had her life together very well. She was apparently a brilliant actress and had even my most skeptical side fooled. Looking back, after the fact, I will concede that there were red flags that I either missed or ignored.

Why would you stay so long in a bad relationship?

In a typical abusive relationship, it comes on so slowly that the abused doesn't even realize what is happening. I became so emotionally exhausted and brainwashed into believing that I was the problem, that my number one goal was pleasing her (which was always a moving target) and atoning for my shortcomings as a husband and father. If you haven't experienced that, it makes no logical sense. I, myself used to ask people, "you're obviously treated very poorly and aren't happy at all, so why don't you leave?" Looking back, I now understand. I was afraid to leave. Leaving would make me lose access to my son, and of course, the one who had taken control of my life had me convinced that I couldn't make it without her, and she did the best she could to keep our joint bank account empty so I couldn't do anything about it, while hiding money in her account that I had no access to.

Eventually, with the power of pharmaceuticals (Paxil, in this case), I numbed my emotions so much that I could function as a semi-normal human, and logic prevailed once emotions were out of the way. I filed for divorce and was awarded custody of our then 3-year-old son. A year later, she lost custody of her daughter from a previous marriage because I had laid the groundwork to reveal an abuser who had no business raising a child.

Have you made changes in how you choose dates, potential partners, etc.?

Absolutely. I am far more selective about who I date and run like hell at the first sign of abusive behavior. I have been careful to break the pattern that so many who have been in abusive relationships end up in, and focus on self-esteem and happiness for myself. In that security and happiness, I find that I am surrounded by people who are more and more like the kind of person I desire as a mate.

1. I chose an asshole just like my dad.
2. I was embarrassed & afraid & alienated from friends & family & had nowhere to go. I was also ignorant regarding DV and its many facets. I believed the lie that it wouldn't happen again.
3. I learned to love & respect myself, 1st. Choose the same values in a partner. I became very picky. & yes, I will do background checks with no shame or guilt.

Personally, I have struggled with self-esteem for most of my life. My first serious relationship was with a woman who showed interest and knew how to manipulate. She used her mental illness (Borderline and Bipolar Type II) as an excuse and her daughter as leverage whenever she blew up on me. I stayed because of her daughter, and I left because I was tired of her holding potential other options over me. Even cheating was not as bad as that (the fact that she combined the two and added a bit of violent rage really made it clear).
After that, I went through a period of only going for casual sex. After that, I was convinced that relationships without violence and cheating were healthy. Finally, I got out of that mindset. Now, I watch for warning signs of unhealthy relationships, communicate a lot, and am in a very healthy relationship.

1. Rebound
   2 kids
   3 yes I found my best friend at the Humane society.

I readily admit I made mistakes and can blame no-one but myself.

1. I met my ex at 16, we dated briefly a few years later, I believed I was all grown up, she was older and made a fuss of me, I had not been lucky with girls. So she decided were would marry, I went along with it.
2. I was doing well in my career, doing well, in life in general, my ex didn't get in my way or stop me from doing anything. She was having a free ride, had everything she wanted in life. She is very lazy. We did not live as a normal married couple, I worked and surfed she watched soapies on TV.
3. I look for people who have much more energy, have their own ideas and want to do things for themselves. But hey, I am alone, so what do I know.

1. I had bought into the whole monogamy and marriage thing, hook, line, and sinker. My marriages lasted 13 and 19 years, respectively. Both resulted in amicable splits. My latest ex and I are still in love, but it takes more than love, and we're not right for each other.

2. See #1

3. Gave up on the monogamy and marriage thing. I'll only do open relationships, and like living alone. So far, so great.

1. Chose wrong person-pattern of alcoholics/drug addicts.
2. Took me10 years and a punch in the gut to kick him out.
3. No more alcoholics/druggies in my life 9 yrs now

#1. I was too young and so was he. We had too many differences and too many tragedies, and not enough of what it takes to weather them together.

#2 I had no job skills, could not support myself and 3 kids. 2 of the 3 had chronic illness that lasted their entire lives. They could not be in daycare or with babysitters. They had mental and physical disabilities, so we needed to stay together to take care of them.

#3 I haven't been dating in a long time. I'm 71 years old and it is slim pickings now. Also, I will never, ever settle or change what makes me who I am, and lots of men don't agree with my lifestyle.

1. I was abused by a family member, so being emotionally abused was completely normal to me.

2. I had no idea it was toxic.

3. absolutely. Once I realized what I had been through I knew what to look for and avoid. I have a fantastic marriage (polyamorous, so also wonderful bf and gf). I've also cut the abusive family member out of my life when it was made clear to me that person wouldn't apologize or acknowledge any personal responsibility. It's been hard, but I'm stronger and healing.

1. I liked her personality and her honesty about what she was going through.

2. I thought I could take on what would become a heavy emotional burden and I was wrong, but I tried and I fought for it.

3. Yes, someone would have to be really exceptional for me to want to support them in an intimate, caring fashion through certain things. Some things are just deal breakers.

**TO EVERYONE WHO RESPONDED...

When I asked these questions I had no idea how deep and well thought out the responses would be.

First I want to thank everybody for contributing to this post. I have learned so much from everyone Who shared a big part of their lives with me and everyone else here.

The insight, the obstacles that were overcome. The abuse that people suffered for many many years. I think you’re all just freaking amazing people.

I am so encouraged to see that people have learned and grown. Are much more picky. Congratulations to those who found out that they are fine being alone. Congratulations to those who realize they are whole people and don’t need to be completed by others. Congratulations to those who finally realize that they are not responsible for other people‘s happiness. That’s their responsibility not yours. Again I’m really impressed and I thank you so much for your input here. I would address everyone individually if I could but that would take many hours of time and I wish I had that kind of time. But I want you to know that I am so humbled by so many touching stories I’ve heard. Thank you sincerely. I think you have helped me and everyone else here by sharing your stories. I have a new found respect for everyone. Thank you.

1. Whovever she was, she was the right person at the time.

2. Why stay? Fear. Fear of change and uncertainty.

3. No. I have my types, so help me.

1)they didn't seem wrong in the first place
2) I didn't want my relationship to be a fuck up like the rest of my siblings and I thought I loved her
3) yes I'm single for a reason

For me, it was me that was the terrible person in the relationship. She tried very hard, in her own way to make things work but it just became a battlefield. I didn't love myself, and so I didn't know how to reciprocate her love in a healthy way. The reason we tried for so long probably has to do with Codependency on both ends and being in mid twenties from a culture that defines you based on your family ties was a big part of it. The way she communicated her feeling were are largest issue for me, but a lot of factors played into our dismantling. Things I've changed would pretty much be everything. I came to terms with a lot of my person issues and I stopped drinking, stopped partying, and stopped womanizing and started being honesty with myself. I learned to love myself, and expanded my consciousness which included the consequences of my energy, regardless of it being positive or negative and learned to be considerate of the symbiotic exchange attention. I redefined my understanding of love it self. Its not about possession of receiving for me. It's just about sharing quality memories and caring for the other regardless of it lasting a day, a week, or a year. But most importantly, I found my boundaries and learned what I would never allow into my life again, from myself and others.

It may be hard to believe, but we choose relationships on what is familiar to our nature! We stay, because we keep trying to work out the kinks! Trying to fix what we believe (at a deeper level), went wrong...way back in childhood. I chose 3 addictive, emotionally distant men to marry! That was my childhood experience...no one was there for me. I stopped choosing and it has taken me years, to learn to be my own supporter and friend. Now, I am pretty sure I would chose more fitting men, although I do see remnants of those traits in men that I am still attracted too! From the male's point of view...think of how hard it is trying to 'fill up' another person's emptiness! Which is out of sight in the consciousness of that other person...to begin with!

Why do you think you chose the wrong person for yourself?

Complicated question but generally I think there are at least two answers here. First, I don’t think we know what we want when looking for a relationship. Qualitative items on such a “wants” list isn’t all equally weighted. You really don’t know how important one item is over another until you get into the relationship. Your person could satisfy 9 our 10 important relationship qualities but you come to realize that tenth unfulfilled item is worth all the other 9 combined. Second, we change and those things that are important to us also change.

Why would you stay so long in a bad relationship?

Many reasons for this, the least of which is we think we make things better. That it’s our fault that the relationship is bad and if only we made that fundamental change to our interaction that things would be better. Sometimes we believe a bad relationship is better than no relationship. After all, it’s not bad all the time, right?

Have you made changes in how you choose dates, potential partners, etc.?

I think so. I have taken the time to really understand what is important to me and I don’t have unreasonable expectations of people anymore. One person cannot be all things. And I also know what a sociopath looks like now. I stay far away from them now ?

1. The person either misrepresented themselves or changed in a negative way.

2. Kids would be the number 1 answer, Number 2 financial, Number 3 you are happy enough with life you put up with it, because it isn't what you signed up for but isn't that bad. The list goes on.

3. Too long out of the dating pool, some different answers at 73 than at 31. But my number 1 answer, intelligence. Ability to speak proper English, when I hear someone butcher the language that is a big turn off. Social compatibility, I wouldn't be happy with the formality of having to dress for dinner. I don't ever want to put on a tie again, I did it for every day for about 30 years. And they MUST be a cat person. I do not want the responsibility of a dog, as much as I enjoy them, They must be open to foreign travel with extended stays. They should hate country music as much as I do!

1. I grew up in love with him. We have home video of me at three years old saying I was going to marry him. I loved him for my entire life. I didn't chose him for me. It was just always part of me.

2. again for 26 years he was all I saw. Even when being with him hurt like knives in my skin it was all I loved. When it started getting bad I held out hope that since we were meant to be, we could work it out. It never did.

3. I will never mistake sex for love, again. I used sex as a replacement for love. I thought 'he's fucking me so he still cares'. I no longer tolerate any form of manipulation or abuse. 'It won't happen again, I swear' you're right. It won't. No second chances. I will dictate the terms in which I feel comfortable. If my future partner can't respect that I have a past that they need to prove to be better than, then I have lived this long with no one I can live even longer. I will put up no fronts. Everything is open and laid out so the potential partner knows what he's getting into and what to expect.

I'm broken. He destroyed my need for love. I am content with or without someone else and they have to be pretty strong emotionally and damn good to make me need them.

1. Because no one enters a relationship expecting it to be a bad one
2. There are reasons people get together in the first place, Optimists might believe things can return to those days.
3. Learn by all experiences, including relationships. Unfortunately, it’s made me much more cautious (ok pickier) which is probably why I’m still single.

To be honest I didn't have an ounce of blood in my brain when I picked most of them. My record for any relationship is 3 years though. The worst was a stripper that moved in, she was really hot and really bi-polar. And a black out drunk. Took me 5 months to get her out, had to pay first and last on her new digs.

I wanted sex, fear of dying alone, no.