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Are you an "overlapper"?

How many "overlaps" have you had in your life?
I've got one in my history. In fairness I was "pushed" the one time, by a scary controlling boyfriend I should have NEVER been with...but it's still there.
My own mother is a habitual "overlapper" (has someone lined up before she leaves), with only one or two alone periods that I'm aware of in her life. I'm not this way, at all, but am beginning to see it's more common than I ever imagined.
No judgment from me on this post. Just curious.
(there are articles on this with a google search)

ps. I'd put "other" for gender fluid but it maxed out the options 😟 It only gives 8 and notice too many options in a poll don't seem to work as it is?

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Qualia 8 May 31
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35 comments

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2

No, I got divorced because my wife overlapped for four years, that I know of. The night I confronted her and got the truth I picked up the roses I had gotten her for Valentine’s Day, gently placed them in the garbage, walked out and got laid ...after an unknown amount of drinking! I’m not proud that I did that but I was not thinking clearly, I also don’t regret it... was me doing that an overlap?, I don’t think so.

An "overlap" is a cheat at the end of a relationship that turns into a relationship in itself. It's not a "one off" or even a "two off", but a dirty transition into something else.

17

I'm a "one at a time" kind of girl. Just how I prefer it.

Me, too.

14

Nope, even if the relationship is on it's last legs I'd still respect them enough to finish things before I saw anyone else (well so far, but I don't see this changing).

That's a respectful policy. Love it.

10

If I’m in, I’m in. And when it’s over it sucks.

9

I guess I am an underlapper. It can be a matter of years in between.

Underlapper, haha. I could make a really dirty joke about that, lol! Me too, though. I'm 58 and only have had 3 serious relationships with many many years in between, sometimes over a decade. So glad to see others with the same pattern. Nowadays, I really feel like a freak due to my inability to "hook up."

@IrishGypsy
You aren't a freak. It's about 5 years on average for me. Most of the time, longer. Feel free to make any jokes you want. 🙂

@Holysocks thanks, too new to the group to make a joke, haha. Don't even have one exactly in mind, just the innate desire to make the best one I can that has to do with oral sex, lol. Hey, what is your username about? Holy? Oh, duh, I get it. Good one.

@IrishGypsy
It's all good.

9

Pffff. That requires having any kind of relationship at all in the first place.

Yeah!

Well there is that! Lols.

lol

9

I'm not that organized.

LOL me either.

7

I'm a believer in finishing one chapter before starting another. And I'm not afraid to be alone.

I'm not afraid to be alone either. Having once spent the summit of my life for 5 years without anyone "regular". Thinking back I've been in 5 "coupled" relationships where it wouldn't have been cool to "cheat", but with the one overlap. However think I've been possibly overlapped once for sure, by a "boomeranger".

@Qualia From Australia?

@AstralSmoke No someone who returns after breaking up with you. That's so fun. sarcasm

@AstralSmoke the one, who moved away, came back annually to check my pulse, for years in absentia, then finally caught me home...and proposed I be his mistress right before he was about to be married. That didn't end well. Cheater deluxe that one. No thanks. I missed a bullet there.

@Qualia He sounded more like a grenade launcher.

6

I'm a overlapper in recovery. Kinda proud of myself for moving away from that behavior. Part of that self assesssment thing I've done in the last 5 years.

6

Oh, make no bones about it, I'm definitely overlapping. At all times, if possible.

I had girlfriends when I split up with my first wife. Not more than one at a time, though. And with my 2nd and last wife, I was dating men before she left me. So I guess I've overlapped twice.

I'm overlapping right now. I have a gf and bf, and we all know each other. Both of them are currently dating other people. And everyone knows about everyone else. I am friends with 3 of their 4 other partners. There is an incredible amount of trust in our relationships.

Not going to have it any other way. That rules out a lot of otherwise potential partners, but that's a feature.

I don't think that is overlapping? I inferred deception, or at the least, omission, was inherent in the definition. You are practicing polyamory, which is great. I wish I was built for that, but I'm just not. At least not that I know of so far.

6

seems that if you are lining up one while still with another... didn't they used to call that 'cheating'? Even if it's just emotional cheating?

And - how many times does 'overlapping' turn into 'cheating' in the more traditional sense?

Yes it's true I'd consider myself to be cheating if I, 'overlapped'.

It's a bit different to cheating in the sense that you've already made the decision to end the first relationship after establishing the second relationship, whereas cheating pretty much means you have no intention of ending the first relationship.

I know a women who was getting rid of one boyfriend while seeing another. She wound up pregnant but didn't know which one was the father, so she had an abortion. Solved that problem.

@bingst Interesting point that describes the nuance . Yes, it's still a form of cheating

6

I did once. Got caught and felt really awful for the people involved and so angry with myself because that is not the way I would like to be treated. Not comfortable with the concept.

5

I have never overlapped. I am too selective. There are so few that qualify for my attention. I do not think it is snobbery as I don't condescend. I just want a certain criteria that few have ever met. My friends always said that you are going to be alone your whole life if you don't stop being so picky. But I have no problem withbeing the loner I have always been. Even more so now that I have the resourses to live the manner in which I have grown accustomed.

I totally get this. And I'm ridiculous w/the picky thing. And I have been alone between all but one relationship. I'm currently infatuated with someone who says they're attached (not married or engaged) but boy does he act single around me. Idk. I don't like it & never been in quite this situation before. One minute I think it's done then next it's exploding all over the place.
I was perfectly content in a way before meeting him, not seeing or pining over anyone, being dead from the waist down. Now it's a GD mess.

@Qualia Oh oh. 54 year itch? Your phermones are are rampant. 66 is the new info on a woman's height of sexuality. You are getting close. Enjoy the rush....I think. =0}

@Countrywoman LOL that would explain a lot.

5

My ex was the overlapper, still is from what I hear.

BillF Level 7 May 31, 2018
5

I don't know how to answer but being non- monogamous natured and gay, I have met a future partner in my living room, there with my then-current partner, after coming home unexpectedly, and they were NOT expecting me. After five years of monogamy, I felt so free. I was not angry at all. I once fell in love with someone else while in a long term relationship. I realized I was really vulnerable and ended both relationships. Monogamy shuts me down. My husband and I were celebate for 7 years because we were so shut down. I finally just said that I look for other interactions, or we get a divorce. Every relationship is so different. People create patterns, and looking at them gives us the best insight. Bravo Qualia.

5

I let the partner do it and she hung herself (not literally) and now I'm free🙂🙂🙂

5

All my relationships have ended solely because they needed to and not because I saw some shiny object more interesting. And that would be mighty risky and confusing. Not for me! But I'm told my last LTR lady was an overlapper. Dang!

4

I always take a while, usually a year or more, to just be with me when I get out of a relationship

4

I actually had a chance once. My then partner and I were breaking up and I met a woman at a organization I belonged. We saw each other a couple of times at the meetings and she asked me out. I explained my situation and told her I had to finish my then relationship (I had been the victim of adultery and know how that feels and could never do that to another). When the relationship was over I went back to her and said I was ready. She had started another relationship but was unsure of it and asked me to wait. Several months later she came to me and said it was over (he was too controlling) so we got together. It didn't last but we are still friends.

4

I didn't get to date much throughout my life for lots of reasons, so no overlap...plus in my moral world this would not be cool.

4

I've never even heard of this overlapping before...

Really? I'm surprised you've escaped exposure to it.

The world is moving fast out there

4

No never, I have found that when a relationship ends, it is smoother if the other person finds a new partner first. Sure, I get pain, but better than the constant aggro from an ex. So I usually stay away from potential relationships until they have moved on.

I usually help an ex find someone else ASAP, to prevent their trying to reconcile, knowing I'd probably feel sorry for them and let them return.

My male side sees my romantic interest men as "pals," complete with having a hard-wired "bro code," where I have their backs.

4

Is "overlapping" the nice new term for cheating? If you're in an agreed upon monogamous relationship and you start seeing someone else, you're not an "overlapper" you're an asshole.

You got that right!

3

If you have to do that, you didn't pick the right person at the get go.

3

IDK if this counts, but there's pretty much always been a sort of queue of hopefuls waiting for my next break up... (which makes me nervous and unhappy)

Rich, famous, and gorgeous? 😛

@bingst Slender, decent-looking, genuine, and kind. It doesn't take much, evidently.

I've had that too altho it's been awhile.

Yes. As if they are just waiting to jump your bones. Cringe

@Qualia Then I guess it doesn't work at all for men in the same way, not for me anyway.

@bingst well there was one disgusting pig of a person who made a pass at me while my husband was dying, and they were within feet of one another. How this guy has any friends is beyond me. And to make matters worse he wasted no time before the ashes were returned to start asking me out & all other kinds of weird shit.
So, it's not always so great, be glad. You could be missing out on a "hobosexual" or creepy idiot.

@Qualia Damn 😕

3

In the past, yes. But time has taught me there are worse things than being alone, and I have conquered that fear.

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