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Staying together for the kids 2.0

I previously posted a question about staying together for the kids. I got a lot of great feedback but I thought I’d make a poll. I’m not tech savvy, so if there isn’t a good option for you to clarify your answer here feel free to comment on my first question. Thank you!

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  • 2 votes
  • 42 votes
  • 4 votes
Lilie 6 Jan 13
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20 comments

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1

My 10 yr. old is still sad about the divorce. Of course he won't be 10 forever. He will come to an understanding. Right? My other son is pretty much simply angry at me. (It was all my fault?? Who knew!) We're working through it . For me & her....we could have tried harder, at least for the kids' sake. And then divorced when we reached the next point of no return

For me , I am saddend by the personal loss and when I see my son sad. I am also liberated from a ton of bullshit

twill Level 7 Mar 21, 2018
2

I think staying in a marriage just for the kids' sake could potentially be even more damaging than a divorce. Every situation is different but when a couple has tried to make it work with counseling and there is still a toxic or abusive atmosphere then it's time to make a change. Kids would rather be around happy parents than fighting or non-communicative parents. When my partner and I decided to divorce our relationship actually improved dramatically and we are committed to being good co-parents. Our daughter is happier as well.

I agree! It’s difficult not to have my son with me ALL the time, but my ex and I are really close and we are making it work.

1

My divorce was the best thing I ever did for my son and myself.

2

It really does depend greatly on the two people involved. It doesn't do well to fight and poke at each other but if you can find a way to work out differences, turn it into a business deal and make it work without causing each other, and by extension the children unnecessary pain and confusion, then have at it. But if infighting and backstabbing and using the kids as pawns is going to be a daily way of life, a divorce would be better in the long run. Some seem to make it work but most people seem to let it get the better of them.

AmyLF Level 7 Jan 17, 2018
1

I tried to stay with my ex for the kids. But when you give someone one last chance not to lie or cheat or what ever and they do it multiple times with multiple people. Knowing they would lose everything, then that shows they didn't really care about you or keeping yalls family together. The kids will grow up and one day understand this. I am a child of divorce and have seen my mother go through quite a few of them. I would rather be a strong independent single mother than a cheated on dependent house wife. You feel me?

0

When the kids grow up , & leave the house , then get the divorce . That way , they will respect you more when you age . Unless your spouse is physically , or mentally abusive , & is a danger to you & yours , be an adult , & stick it out . It doesn't have to be forever . Maintaining a stable environment for them , is like staying in the kitchen , till dinner is done . Unless it's on fire , stay in it to be certain that it doesn't . When your children mature , they will understand , & thank you for your efforts .

Dougy Level 7 Jan 16, 2018
2

You only live once, it's critical that you're happy for a good chunk of it. The scar on your children, if any significant scar at all, will be temporary.

3

Studies have shown that children of parents that only stay together for the sake of the kids are no better off than children of divorced parents.

Thank you!!

1

I had to divorce my daughters moms both betrayed the essence of marriage and joint custody protected my daughters when they were with me and I got them counseling for them to cope with their bad moms.

1

All I can say is kids will know when things are wrong. Example: GF parents were cheating on each other but they stayed together because of their 3 teenage daughters. Lead me to believe that she was someone I could fall in love with but I could never love. Prior of her I had a fling with her older sister. Her kid sister had issues stealing boyfriends from her classmates. And she seemed as the normal one but She was living in an example of a bad marriage. I had to leave the smartest and one of the most beautiful women in my life. No Regret What So Ever. Never asked her next BF why he was So Mad at her. For those that stay together for the kids... you may be teaching them how to be miserable. My kids punished my wife and I for divorcing. Now they get worried when we have dinner or go dancing together. We dance better now than ever did when married but we don't cross lines. I will like to thing we taught our children how to handle a divorce and they were spared of a misery childhood.

5

Kids, no matter what age, deserve to be raised by people who can show them what loving yourself and being in a caring, loving relationship with someone else can mean... so whether you go it single or find a new partner, teach your children straight through their adulthood that you are important and your happiness matters. You wouldn't want them to grow up and stay with someone that made them unhappy, so don't teach them to accept mediocrity in this short life. 🙂

6

Partly I stayed for the kids, and partly I stayed because I didn't have skills to get a good job and support those kids. When I finally realized I had enough I got some education and then got the divorce going, the youngest was in HS. The kids now tell me I really stayed too long, but hind site is 20/20.

This isn't the exception; it's the paradigm. And yes; it's totally involved in the madness that is judaeo-christian influence.

4

Every situation is different. Ordinarily I'd say splitting is going to be healthiest for everyone if the parents are no longer effectively partners. However, I had a college professor who divorced from her husband when their son was very young and they got remarried because their son couldn't handle it and even after an extended time was having severe emotional and behavioral problems. It sort of worked for them, and their son improved greatly after they were back together.

6

My girlfriend's daughter lived three year of "staying together for the kids". After so many nights of seeing her parents sleeping in different rooms /of not seeing them hugging each other / of "special" phone calls......OF MANY MOMENTS OF SILENCE....this sixteen y/o girl told her parents: "I can't take your s...t any longer. Get divorced, be happy and allow me to be happy." .

Wow!!

It was the best for all.

7

Children are sensitive to change and when that change is negative they often act out in some manner. Younger children often blame themselves, older children often act out in a negative way out of fear and insecurity.

It is unhealthy to stay together, there's too much history and intimate knowledge for it to work out. Come to an agreement on a co-parenting plan and go your separate ways. If there are issues then get help.

Betty Level 8 Jan 13, 2018
0

Honour your marriage vows.

What if they mean nothing? An empty promise has no validity.

@MrLizard There you go, the persons concerned had lack of trust and respect. Why it failed in the first place. No honour.

@BobFenner If they are happy to go round making empty promises to people, shows you how much you can trust them and the measure of the persons.

@MrLizard Did you try police intervention? She changed for the worse it seems, what could have been done to effect another change but for the better?

@Treasurehunter People change; as do their propensity to continue working on/toward their relationships. At some point, one, both parties may give up on their marriage, partnership, even themselves... A shame at times, but....

The problem with honoring your wedding vows is the "until death do us part" could be taken wrong.

@Rudy1962 Just a little help to get them on their way. 😉

@BobFenner Perhaps people should consider what they are committing to before they get married? In the Christian culture, it is till death do us apart. I think that in Islam it is a contract and it can be ended subject to certain processes. Maybe they should consider a Hedonist's Creed "Till it is not fun anymore."

@Treasurehunter Can't agree w/ you more re folks making commensurate investigation per a given commitment. AND marriage IS the biggest one I can think of; esp. if it involves perforce the possibility of reproducing. Fact of the matter is however that many people... don't do the "first comes love, then comes....", but "first comes sex, next comes infatuation...." I know of few folks who even know and like themselves ahead of getting seriously involved w/ others... Herein lies REAL potential for trouble. SHOULD there be pre-marriage counseling? An emphatic YES! I had to go through to marry someone in the Church of England, and this marriage didn't last.

@Treasurehunter I've had devout Christian neighbors and even my ex's friends say that I made the right decision to stick through the divorce process, it's the best thing under the circumstances for the kids, myself, and ultimately for my ex.

@Brio77 Something says that you could not have seen the wood for the trees before you entered into that relationship? For a couple to have wanted to move the heavens and the earth to achieve a common goal, then not have the capability to reconnect back to achieve that goal, says something. They are your lives not mine.

@MrLizard In the UK, mental or controlling abusive behaviour is now a criminal offence. Some people say mental scars are harder to get over.

@BobFenner You must have gone into your marriage with eyes wider open than many others. You should be complemented on that. Those organisations as well, should be complimented in trying to support couples before they enter into big commitments.

I have read of different reasons why marriages no longer last like they seemed to. People tended not to outlive their marriages, changing gender roles and expectations, the focus on shorter term self gratification, loss of morality or religion .....

@Treasurehunter I concur w/ your list of possible, probable relationship destabilizing influences. At this span of awakening (am at 30% or so), the only other item I'd (like to) add is generally too-much "noise", dissonance period... Over stimulation?

@MrLizard A physical fight can clear the air if the people are of the right mentality.

@BobFenner Best wishes for your future. Thank you for your time and thoughts.

@Treasurehunter And you for your sharing.

@MrLizard Sorry to hear that. I hope you had good memories as well. Thanks for your points.

7

Gee Lilie.... if you feel threatened you must leave. If your unhappy see marriage counseling. Give it all before you call it quits. If he's saying bad things to you...leave. if he's hurting you... leave. If he's a drunk...leave. if he's cheating on you...leave. only you can answer the amount of pain you want to deal with.

We are getting divorced and I have no doubt it’s the right decision. I’m just curious what other people think.

9

I had to distance my self because the kids mom is whacked in the head in order to save my kids from the government. It is tough alone but my kids are better off.

10

I waited till my handicapped daughter was 8. Her father started choking me on the floor, my daughter crawled over thinking we were playing, my German Shepherd also got on top thinking it was a game. Wish I had left sooner.

Thank you for sharing that. How awful. I prosecute domestic violence cases and I know how hard it is to leave. I’m working on training our local law enforcement on dv because they often make things worse!

11

Staying together would be worse for the kids. They don't need to be around people
who are miserable.

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