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Should I expose a would be cheater?

I am in an open marriage. In my search for someone to date a woman has approached me seeking to cheat on her husband. Her reasoning is that she is sexually bored. I have no intention of helping her cheat. Should I let her husband know before he gets hurt?

wanderartist 4 Jan 30

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35

Stay away from her and keep your mouth shut. He'll find out with no assistance from you.

You wise one you!

As someone who discovered about my ex's affair two years after it happened, and stuck around trying to save the relationship... I can't agree with this.

Life is too short to waste in a shitty relationship.

@MrLizard In that case, it definitely makes sense not to say anything. If she's cheating, or going to cheat, he will find out soon enough. They always do. The cheaters are never as smart as they think they are.

@Rossi I get where you're coming from, and I'm sorry you were betrayed like that. However, if someone had come to you, spinning a tale about your spouse's infidelity, do you think you'd have "shot the messenger"? That is often what happens. Perhaps you would have been the exception to the rule, but most people aren't. I've been on both sides of this issue. Third party interference is usually not appreciated. Granted, in hindsight, many would say "I wish someone would have told me", but even if they'd been told, they might not have believed it at the time.

@KKGator Thank you. In my scenario, my ex was suffering from severe depression with suicidal thoughts and refused to get therapy (even couples), due to a bad experience she had with a high school counselor. Around that time, she was becoming more distant & secretive, so while I had my suspicions, she had someone do the same shit to her in a prior relationship and was adamant she could never do that. So, I chose to trust.

While it's impossible to know exactly how I would have reacted, I've never understood why so many people call the woman their husband had an affair with a slut, when they should really be angry at their spouse. I'd assume many times the outside party isn't even aware the person is married.

So no, it's not really in my nature to ever shoot the messenger.

The messenger has absolutely nothing to gain from delivering the message, unless they're trying to damage the marriage. And if they're trying to damage the marriage, what could their motivation be for that, unless they had significant feelings for the person?

Additionally he may be aware and be fine with her behavior. Telling him may force a confrontation that is unnecessary.

@VirginCotton Wow! You just spent an awful lot of time trying to justify your own bad behavior. Personally, I could care less because it has fuckall to do with me. However, you probably promised you'd remain faithful to your wife when you took your marriage vows. So, not only are you a cheater, you don't keep your word, thereby rendering you completely devoid of integrity. But hey, you just go on thinking how clever you are that you've kept your infidelity from your wife for so long.

11

You could always tell her the truth: you don't believe in cheating. However, you believe in open marriages and would be willing to talk about it with her husband. Perhaps the four of you would get along famously. πŸ˜‰ Good luck.

11

Absolutely not. Unless he is your best friend or brother -- and even then, that is really treacherous territory as you stand a very good chance of becoming the villain TO HIM. Humans are soooo weird.

What is going on in their marriage is between them. The best thing you can do is to encourage her to talk to her husband about why she is bored, encourage her to talk to him about spicing up their marriage; and if those fail, maybe she should get a divorce and then she can have sex with whomever she wants, any time she wants, without putting other people in precarious positions.

Just my opinion.

Good counsel.

8

Just send her my way and I'll, uh, set her straight… (I kid, I kid)

I say live and let live. You certainly don't need to facilitate her cheating, but you never know whether she'd actually go through with it or whether there are other issues going on that she's not disclosing. I wouldn't insinuate myself into her marriage. Her relationship is her responsibility, not yours. /2Β’

8

Why is your business?

Largely because she was trying to line me up as the guy she would cheat on her husband with.

@wanderartist And you did right in refusing to be that guy, I assuming you refused. I don't do wives myself. As a former husband found it disrespectful and not that didn't happened, I expected a "wife" to tell me without me having to ask the question if she is "kept woman". When I didn't asked... bit me in the ass. If the husband is aware and don't mind that is a different topic and situation. But I won't get myself deep in another man's business. I knew a case with a buddy that If I told him... she would had been dead within an hour. I did not wanted that over my head for the rest of my life. And that was a friend, not a stranger, and I knew her from the moment they met and how crazy he was about her... And to me, I was protecting my friend from himself. No, get it out your mind, like most people will tell you here... Part of your moral compass is learning to pick your fights... this is a battle that you will never win and can do only harm.. just ask yourself the question... if she worth the aggravation? I almost went out with the wife of a "two bit gangster", I just had to play with fire... it was a co-worker and the big danger was her mother in law was a co-worker too and was unto us. When she cancelled at the last moment because her mother came to her house and was like snooping every movement she made... I was relieved for how stupid I was. If you did her... you did her. I hope no 2nd thoughts or regrets or guilty about it. But not your place to go to that man you don't know and destroy whatever world he is living in regardless of the fantasy... Is their world and not yours... My humble take.

6

No No No, bad idea.

5

NO. MYOB. I can't see any good coming from it.

5

She may have been having a low moment, its better to say nothing unless you can prove for certain she cheated.

4

No, don’t tell him and get as far away from her as fast as you can. Cheaters generally lie and you don’t need any part of that fiasco.

CS60 Level 7 Jan 30, 2018
4

I'd encourage you to have a non-judgemental honest conversation with her. Perhaps share your own story of how you and your spouse were able to navigate a healthy open marriage.

I wouldn't presume that secretive emotional or physical affairs are a recipe for success.

This leaves the ball in her court. Maybe it will prompt her to have a conversation with her spouse.

Rossi Level 4 Jan 30, 2018
4

Could be more aggravation than it is worth.

3

You should reverse it on her and sleep with the husband instead.

He would never see that coming!

3

He probably wouldn't believe you anyway.

I can't count how many times men have asked me out believing that since I'm poly that means I would screw anything that slows down. They are surprised when I tell them that I have to talk to their wife to make sure it is okay with them to date.

I was simply going to send him the emails and pictures she sent me.

He will probably say you somehow coerced her, but go for it. You never know.

3

Suggest to her to read sites about cheating and regret, I would never want that burden the rest of my life. Stupid is as stupid does.

[womensinfidelity.com]

[divorcedgirlsmiling.com]

2

You know the saying β€œshoot the messager”

ags2 Level 5 Jan 31, 2018
2

no, keep on the fence as you could end up with the blame and that is going to happen with someone anyway. maybe you should tell her to grow a pair and tell him herself.

2

She wants the attention and not you. She's going to get the attention regardless. If it's worth dragging yourself into her and her husband's problems at home then go nuts.

2

Nothing but a proposition happened. I would not tell him. That is up to her. They need counseling not cheating to figure out where they need to go from here,

2

i woudnt get in that drama. its always the innocent that gets hurt in situations like this

We had a saying when I worked in Human Resources, "No good deed goes unpunished."

1

If it looks and smells like a pile of shit, do not step in it to test and see if you are right. Avoid it by walking a different path

1

Nope, not your problem and you'll be seen as the bad guy. Not a wise move, just get with the next one.

1

I think it depends upon the specific situation. Will the person you tell be more harmed or hurt by the information, as well as the specific motives of the person who chooses to tell. For example, of someone is choosing to tell another simply to hurt them or be an evil birch and it isn't that petson's business or in the best interest of the individual being told, then no, keep quiet.

1

That is tough one...I think you should tell this woman, that she should tell her husband, what she is thinking and feeling on this matter! Because, this problem involves two people who are married. In this case, I can't see you stepping into this matter. Even worse, if he knows of your open marriage arrangement!

1

the cheating could already be underway. stay clear. wide load.

1

No, just walk away. Glad she let you know upfront. Would wonder how long before she went looking for more excitement.

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