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Why do I hate it when a man sexualize my insights/intelligence/etc?

Was prepared to go on a date with this man I connected on POF today but had to call it off for multiple reasons but one that stuck out like a sore thumb was when he sexually compliments my growth,my insights and my opinions on certain important subjects.

He said "keep talking that stuff, it's sexy" or "It's a turn on" when I express my atheist/non-religious views. It's annoying. If I was a male would he still say those things?

I hate when some men idolize and sexualize my mind/thoughts.

Say whatever you want about my body, my face but my mind is such a sacred place that deserves understanding, love and respect.

taemaria27 5 Feb 3

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Intelligence is sexy and is subjective to sexual orientation. There's a word for someone who has a fondness for intelligence, sapiophile. To those who aren't sexually oriented to one another the fondness is still present, but the sexual component is not present.

I'm sorry if you hate the adulation. Attractiveness and understanding, love, and respect aren't always mutually exclusive.

Gohan Level 7 Feb 9, 2018

It seems there's a lot of confusion about the term sapiosexual. A sapiosexual is someone who is attracted to intelligence.
A sapiophile is someone who is sexually aroused by intelligence.

I think what you encountered was a sapiopervert.
(I'm coining that term if it's not already a thing. So slap a ™ on that shit.)

sapioperve is yours, I heard it here first.

@Rugglesby Nice! I'll file the paperwork Monday morning.

Wow - I never knew someone had invented a name for my problem 🙂.

@BanjoTango you're welcome.

Sapiophile sounds sus to me. However upon reflection it has some merit, but like masturbating on the bus there are times when you shouldn't be thinking in pure lust.

sapiopervert! I love it


You hate it because it's just another way some men diminish you as a person.
I think you hate with damned good reason.

nailed it

@itchic I'm wondering if your comment was directed more to the OP than to me?

Perfect. You hit the nail solidly on the head!


As a guy I can't comprehend what he meant. I am attracted to intelligent women but also in general I am attracted to intelligent people. If I was having an intelligent conversation with a woman, I would love the interaction, but wouldn't consider her thoughts as sexual unless that was the topic.


I'm gonna take a wild guess and say he thought you wanted to hear that, while at the same time hopefully putting your mind into a more... Horizontal position.

In so far as why you hate it, probably because you recognized it as an attempt at manipulation instead of an actual compliment for its own sake.


Yes, I'm right there with you. It is so demeaning to constantly be sexualized no matter what you say or do just because you're female. It's great if a man finds my intelligence sexy, but he crosses the line when he gets sleazy about it.

Hmm...there are exceptions, of course. I'm a panromantic (can fall in love with anything) and I suspect that if my two gender sides weren't busily canceling out each other's sexual attractions, I'd also be mostly pansexual (can be turned on by anything) instead of just demisexual.

When I see new birds, or a great bird photo op coming up I can sometimes feel myself getting pleasurably physically turned on. That can happen with music, or starting a new book and realizing it's amazing, etc.


I know it has made you feel angry but be thankful that you noticed the red flags prior to engaging in this relationship.


Maybe he just sucks a flirting. I suck at flirting too. The other day I told a woman she had a pretty mouth . . . and she hummed the "Dualing Banjos" at me from "Deliverance" and I realized I suck at flirting. It's just not my thing.

@FortyTwo thanks for not rubbing it in or anything. 😛


I think the guys who are like that probably aren't the smartest. Guys obviously have sexual urges, but when a women does something that is attractive there should be a few synapses in the way before the primal brain is activated. It should be obvious that, if a guy is actually aroused by the comment, he should still tone it way down. Even then, there's not much complex thought happening if a guy is thinking "atheist=sexy". No thoughts about "were you raised religious" , "what are your thoughts on other similar topics", "do you dislike religion". More conversation should come up instead of the high schooler who gets excited because he saw a girls ankle. Just seems immature to me.


What the shit..?
OK... First mistake: PoF. That site is a fucking cesspool. It's right up there with Craigslist in my opinion.

The dude you were interested in sounds like a real piece of work... Clearly has an intellectual fetish.
You were in the right to call it off.
As for your atheist standing with religion...
He probably isn't too keen on independent, free thinking women. So that was a big no-no for him.

I feel for you. I understand how difficult it can be for women such as yourself out there in the dating world.
But you have to stay strong and don't let that kind of shit phase you.

So what do you use instead of PoF?


A good come back, if you wanted to bother to reply at all, might be, "I'm attracted to intelligence also, so I don't think this will work out."
Then block or delete him. Or your account.


He's dumb and doesn't understand logic. Or he is insulting you and is an a-hole. My ex found me on POF. He's a registered sex offender. I never went back to that site.

Is POF Plenty of Fish?



First of all, your discomfort with this makes a lot of sense to me. I totally get the “brains are sexy” thing but this seems like disrespectfully sexualizing you. It’s concerning any time a man sees women exclusively as sexual.
Second of all, POF is truly awful.


It seems that all guys on POF want to talk about is sex, and will turn anything around to that topic. Although intelligence is necessary for me to want to be with a person, I don't really refer to it as "sexy".


Sexism is pervasive, I'm sure your date doesn't even realize it. I suggest you keeping looking: there are plenty of enlightened men out there.


I respect your view, completely. I can understand how you could feel that way. But I’m almost the opposite, to an extent. I feel like intelligence is a big factor in sexual attraction for me, so I’m not annoyed if a guy expresses the same to me. Continual interruption or one-track conversations are both points to which it’s universally annoying, though.

I am sapiosexual, even at a conference I find intelligent female speakers very attractive, my best lovers have been extra ordinarily intelligent women yet unless in a sexual situation I wouldn't make such comments about what she was saying.
In one of my fields anaerobic breakdown of faeces is not an uncommon topic, no matter how intelligent the lady or her comments hmmmm, no.


I understand what you’re saying. I just feel differently. Granted, I’ve been told my views are unconventional. To each their own.


Again, I understand that there’s a time and a place, obviously. And of course, there are guys that are going to creep, regardless. Lol. But if you’re actually intelligent, you probably know the difference between manipulation, disrespect and a genuine expression of desire. I’m merely saying the latter doesn’t annoy me in a one-on-one setting.

But again, unconventional views. You only receive as much disrespect as you’ll allow.


The quality of my thought and intelligence raises my value in a completely non-sexual way--could be the opposite of sexual, actually--and I love that because I hate to be regarded only or primarily as a sex-object.

Oh, those things make me even more of a sex-object in your eyes?? FML...

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I get where you're coming from...


He simply said those things because he likely had nothing intellectual or thoughtful to say in response. It is a default position by many when they want to play the game but have no chips.


The fact that he is calling you sexy before you even meet is a big red flag, in my opinion. He is making it obvious that that is what he is interested in, not so much getting to know you. That feeling would be the same, in my mind, if he were saying it about your body or your face, also. Isn't that "sacred" to you as well? Men are free to think whatever they want, but I find it creepy when someone makes sexual comments to me if I don't even know them. Ick.


I completely understand. I have had the same problem, is why I am single.


I find intelligence attractive, but sexually enticing? I’m not so sure.


It feels disingenuous. I am not entirely sure fetishizing intelligence is what was going on in your case, but if not it could have been that the guy thought that acting like he was aroused was somehow going to be attractive.

Even if he was actually aroused, the tone of the quotes seemed pretty creepy. Thanks for reminding me that guys can be disturbing on so many levels.


KInda creepy if you ask me.


Because he was attempting to turn you into an object.


There is an 800 lb gorilla out there we don't talk about but know it exists. Women are finally getting the respect they should have always gotten. They deserve the same perks and pay that men get along with the respect. Here's the problem, how do you approach a woman? She wants to be considered attractive also, right? How do you tell her you are perfectly fine with her accomplishments and respect her totally, but also have this urge to have stunt sex with her on a Carnival Cruise overlooking the Caribbean? The truth is it only matters if she is attracted to you, otherwise you are a stalker or something. I have long since stopped looking for the perfect mate, I put myself out there and wait for someone to say, "let's see each other". Otherwise, I am content to live life my way.


Could you clarify exactly what you mean by your statement: "I hate when some men idolize and sexualize my mind/thoughts."? Specifically the "some men"?

I can see how you would be put off/offended by his comments. Some guys (ok, maybe most guys) aren't very intuitive to smart, intelligent women. It's rare that we run into one. That may not be a truth, but it sure feels that way - at least from my own experience. You may not have an idea of how many women I have met who just want to feel "sexy". And while that's fine, the way they go about it is often insane. Not to mention potentially unsafe. He may have meant it as a compliment. And maybe he doesn't know how to express it in any other way? I hope you expressed to him how those compliments made you feel. There's no other way he's gonna learn otherwise.

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