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Am I still single because my face is that hideous?

I have a cleft lip and palate, and I had 20 surgeries to fix it. I was always in the hospital recovering from the surgeries. I already know I'm hideous. I've come to realize that is why men stare at me. Well, I've always been stared at as a kid. Parents and kids just stared. Which is why I also became an introvert. I hid from people and studied. All I ever wanted was to look normal. Wishes don't come true. I'm sick of being body shamed. I never wear makeup because that will just exacerbate it. Perhaps I should just wear a bag over my head if I ever have sex again? Some days I don't even get out in public, because I don't enjoy being the freak in all of Colorado Springs. Looks never mattered to me when I was dating, because I know what it felt like to be judged for your looks. I look at the person's personality more than their looks. Men are all attracted to a sexy hot women. If they can't get what they want, they turn to making fun of the woman for some stupid flaw. My ex wanted me back when I lost weight. I said No, so he body shamed me again. Some men don't think before they speak. Looks have never meant anything to me about friends, boyfriends, family, and people in general. I see a lot of hot men that I can't ask out, because they are way out of my league. We would not look good in public. A hot man with a freak? It's all about how they look with their woman. I'm a really nice person, but no one ever gets to know that. I've been bullied so much for my face, that one day, I fear that one more comment might be the last one I ever hear. Rant over. Good night.

Sarahroo29 8 Feb 9
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74 comments

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2

At first sight of your picture "ugly" was not the word that came to mind. Beauty is not just the layers of skin we show to the world, it is what fires in our minds and breathe through our mouths and lands in the ears of others.

Gohan Level 7 Feb 10, 2018
58

My heart aches reading this testimonial. I just want to take you in my arms and hold you close to me, to assure you that you are loved and are capable of being loved. There are no "freaks" in the human family and nature has no definition of "freak" or "normal". We are what we are, you are what you are, you are an amazing woman and fellow human and I love you as the totally unique individual that you are.

Thank you for that. 🙂

Why are there a lot of rude atheists/agnostics on here?

@Sarahroo29 That is just the way some people are my dear and they are to be ignored as they contribute nothing.

@jlynn37 Yep.

47

I've known really beautiful women who were straight-up ugly on the inside, where it counts.
I don't think you're a freak. You strike me as a really worthwhile person.
I hope you're able to rise above the idiots who are too ignorant to know better, even though
they should.
Don't let the assholes get you down. You have friends here.

@Stevil Nah. You're a good guy, and you're right about Sarahroo. She is awesome.

Thanks.

25

Hi Sarah!

First of all, you're not by any stretch of the imagination hideous or a freak.

As for the whole dating thing? I'm not sure what to tell you. It seems like the more I care whether or not I'm attached, the harder it is to connect with people. When I'm busy, when I'm doing stuff that makes me happy, when I'm not thinking about why I'm not attached to anyone is when someone seems to pop up.

For what's it's worth, I am not particularly pretty, not even close, really. For a long time, I let that color everything. Then one day I decided I didn't care. It was keeping me from doing things I wanted to do, so I quit worrying and just did what I wanted. I found out there were other people in the same situation. From there, I made some great friends and sort of stepped in romance from time to time, and sometimes it was a waste of a good pair of shoes!

Maybe you need to tell yourself (and by extension anyone who isn't kind) "Sorry! I'm clean out of fucks to give. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to my storytelling event/tae kwon do class/volunteer gig/whatever makes you happy."

Wishing you happiness.

Cute name/avatar btw. I was having a good day until someone said something. Normally I don't let my face bother me.

Even though all of us or nearly all of us have heard the quote by E. Roosevelt, ("No one can make you feel small without your permission," or something like it) that's still easier said than done. Anyone who says they've never been clotheslined by an encounter with a mean person is either hiding a superpower or they're not entirely truthful.

So yeah, you had a bad night. You also walked it off at least partially by talking about it here. Whether you know it or not, that's stronger than a lot of people would be. Beatnik snaps from me for that!

So let's talk a little further for a minute. Indulge me, I'm a little old lady, 'kay? You have a great smile. It goes all the way to your eyes and your face is generous and open. You're also cute as a button. Ask your friends. They'll tell you I'm right.

And...and... (yes, there's and!) Since you're here, you are more than likely smarter than the average person. You think more about what everything means. Reason is your soul food. You gonna accept a line cook from McDonald's feeding your cerebellum or someone with the finesse of a Rick Bayless or Ming sigh! er, Tsai? Life's good stuff can take its sweet time.

I hope today is better and you're back to being your own fierce and fabulous self. BTW, nice meeting you!

22

You are only 29 years old. Give life time. When I was 29 I had no children and never expected to have them. I had never found true love and never expected to find it. Life is a long process.

One day I will find love.

21

Well from one freak to another, we are awesome.
What is normal? To me the closest thing is average.
Who wants to be average?
From your father, flowed countless seeds, more than four hundred million in number. All of them, as they swam within your mother, gave up the ghost and died. All except one! You.
You alone persevered within the loving warmth of your mother's body, searching for your other half, a single cell from your mother so small that more than two million would be necessary to fill an acorn shell. Yet, despite impossible odds, in that vast ocean of darkness and disaster, you persevered, found that infinitesimal cell, joined with it, and began a new life. Your life. You.
You have the power to think, to love, to will, to laugh, to imagine, to create, to plan, to speak. Your brain is the most complex structure in the universe. Within its three pounds are thirteen billion nerve cells, more than twice as many cells as there are people on your earth. To help you file away every perception, every sound, every taste, every smell, every action you have experienced since the day of your birth, within your cells, more than one thousand billion billion protein molecules. Every incident in your life is there waiting only your recall. And, to assist your brain in the control of your body there are four million pain-sensitive structures, five hundred thousand touch detectors, and more than two hundred thousand temperature detectors.
Would you want a man who is so shallow that he only wants a woman to wear on his arm like jewellery? There are real people out there, we see our own perceived flaws, in our minds they are magnified. I hate what I see in the mirror, yet my dog and cat don't mind, some peoples faces light up when they see me, women still like to hold my hand when out walking. I am unique, (not eunuch!) Don't compare yourself to others. Think about the guys you would value, what would be the most important things they would look for in a woman? As others have said, we value you here, your opinions, thoughts understanding.

Thank you very much.

This made me tear up. It's perfect.

19

You're too hard on yourself. I gave up superficial standards years ago. That's the "easy way" to find....whatever people think love is. "Is she pretty? No? Ok how about her? Her? Or her?" How boring and predictable.

I have no men lining up at my door rn. So I figured it was because of my looks.

@Sarahroo29 It may be, because in a patriarch society that's what were raised on; that we men are superior, have to subscribe to superficial standards (women are also raised on that notion but they are more likely to look past it eventually.) I have a big nose. People like to point that out because I apparently don't own a mirror or something. It was easier for me to abandon superficial standards because people already used it against me.

18

My friend, I also was born with cleft lip and palate. I've had 18 surgeries total for it. I don't think either of us is hideous, though I do have my days where I look in the mirror and think some pretty mean thoughts about myself. Looks don't mean a lot to me, so I also concentrate on people's personalities, interests, etc. There are men who do the same. I was married for 33 years and he never minded my face, in fact he liked it. So have other men. So they're not always staring at your imperfections.

18

I weigh 300lbs, and even when I'm thin I'm still not what society would view as pretty. Yes, it bothers me at times, but I'm old enough to know that the people who are worth having a relationship with looks beyond looks.

The last two men I've been with specifically look for broken women. I NEVER want that again. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to put up with the emotional abuse I had with those two men.

My exes found me when I was broken.

This may sound silly but have either of you dated a mechanic? I don't mean someone who just works at a garage, someone who loves to restore, fix and maintain everything in their life. I get a lot of joy from making an engine run again, fixing my nephews toys or helping my GF feel better again. I truely hope that you both find someone who loves you for your imperfections rather than despite them. I have 2 cars in the metal part of my family, neither of them make any sense. One is a tiny 1.0 hatchback which now has gold wheels, lowered suspension and a loud exhaust. Suzuki would say I have ruined the ride, the economy and the looks but I love it, its such a happy little thing to drive. My other is a big luxuary barge, with a diesel engine (wrong in the 1st place) with the turbo in the wrong place and a cloth rather than leather interior. All of these "faults" are why I love the old beast, diesel means I can afford to run her, the odd turbo position makes the exhaust sound nice and the cloth seats don't get sweaty. I may have rambled on a bit here, sorry bout that

@DominicBurgess my second husband loved fixing things. He was the most arrogant, narcissistic person I have ever met. And that's the nice things I can say about him. Trust me, he was a waste of space.

Luckily I don't hold that against all men. I'm just more careful of the ones I let into my life.

18

Sarahroo you are not hideous. You do not meet the Hollywood definition of beauty but no one does. THey have makeup artists. It hurts me to see you being s o hard on yourself

@Stevil I'm my own worst critic.

17

Ohforpetessake...do you think a man that is solely interested in looks is a man worth having? Of course not, nobody does! But by focusing on Your looks, in a way that is extremely negative, you are kind of doing the same thing. Please stop trash talking yourself!

@irascible Okay.

13

Sarah honey, do you know or have you ever seen a picture of a woman named Tomi Larhen? She is on Twitter and Fox news. She is ugly. You are not.

Me and a thousand other guys would walk over that bitch just to have dinner with you.

I don't have Twitter and I don't pay for TV. Thanks. I'm hungry now. Lol.

13

I've been reading through the responses to your post. I sure hope you have, too.
It's so hard when we're feeling not-so-great about ourselves. We're our own worst
critics most of the time. Then, when some idiot comes along, shooting off their stupid
mouth, it just makes us feel worse.
Please know that you are a warm, wonderful person. There are an awful lot of people
here who definitely care about you. You're still young. There is so much life to be lived.
Keep us posted on how you're doing. We really do care.

Thanks. I care about all of you guys too.

11

Sarah honey, do you know or have you ever seen a picture of a woman named Tomi Larhen? She is on Twitter and Fox news. She is ugly. You are not.

Me and a thousand other guys would walk over that bitch just to have dinner with you.

I can't seem to upload her picture.

....with golf cleats

Idk her. I don't have Twitter or TV.

@Sarahroo29 She is ugly on the inside. That's the point.

@Sarahroo29 Tomi Lahren is what many people would call pretty, but the thought of her makes my skin crawl. The same is true of my ex-wife, who found me at a vulnerable time in my life and worked me over in terrible ways, emotionally. They are pretty people who are disgusting humans. I cringe to think of being seen in public with either of those people, but after reading your posts here, if we were in public, I would be too busy enjoying your company for anything else to matter. Can we laugh together and seek to find the beauty in each other? Yes? Then it is beauty we will find because that is what we are looking for.

10

Oh, this makes me sad. I don't think you are hideous, the other people are! Its a shame the way the world is. My mom has polio and growing up she wore braces on her legs and everyone stared at her, as I got older it pissed me off. I learned at a young age not to stare or make fun of someone that may be different. Why don't parents teach this? I'm sorry you feel this way.

Also, since you are writing this, I can't see that her legs kept her from finding someone-your dad

@AnneWimsey Another excellent point, excellently pointed out by your inimitable self!

9

Lady, I would KILL for your body and your skin! Your skin!? Gorgeous complexion and skin tone! I hope someday you can see yourself the way people like me (the ones that matter 😉 ) see you. Don't sell yourself short, you are amazing! And obviously a strong person to go through everything you've been through. 20 surgeries!? You're a rockstar!

Thank you. It was hard. I ended up with PTSD from the emotional trauma of the surgeries.

9

What they all said. 🙂

8

We all wish we had that special connection with somebody, but it's not something that can be forced. I appreciate your struggles. You seem quite sweet and that does wonders for attractiveness. Here's hoping you find some compatible matches.

Thanks.

@Sarahroo29

"Never forget that you are one of a kind. Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn't be here in the first place. And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes that matter in the world come about. So be that one person."

~ R Buckminster Fuller

7

You are a lovely intelligent woman .You are not hideous.Anyone that would judge you for your appearance is not worthy of you.

5

I thought again about your post and had to add this. I have read other posts you have made and have a general idea of how challenging your life has been. SOme might call you a survivor. I think you are a warrior.

Thank you.

5

Sarah honey, you're beautiful. Focus on the great things within yourself. Only you can do that.
Focus on the positive !!! It's easy to torture yourself for no reason. Why do that to yourself ?
No need for all that self hatred.
You've been down for so long. You are going to come out of this.

5

I've looked at your pictures and maybe it's the glasses, hideous you are not.
We often find ways to accentuate our weaker points in an unconscious self sabotage so that when things don't go the way we hoped we have that excuse of our biggest flaw.
Ever hear of Lizzie Velasquez? She has been called the worlds ugliest woman and she managed to turn it into her strength. You on the other hand are far from being even ugly, but you do have a non standard look which is going to get attention. It's all a matter of what you do with the attention. I realize I have no experience in this as my looks are so standard that I am practically invisible.
Too many people, not just men, don't think much less think when they speak and most people have never been taught any manners when it comes to staring. But flipping the script can both put them in their place and elevate yours. But that's hard and it can set you up for failure, though nothing ventured nothing gained. If a cute guy was staring saying something like "Like what you see" could bring abuse but it could also start a conversation.
Because as a guy I can say that most guys are attracted to self confidence, and this is something that comes easy to pretty girls, though it is also true that some of the most unpleasant people are pretty girls who know they will not always have their looks and they are scared to death of it. Having self confidence is hard but I will compare it to this. I tried for decades to believe there was some sort of god because I figured I just wasn't seeing what ever it was that everyone else was seeing. Then one day I decided to accept the reality that I knew was all the reality there was, a burden was lifted off my shoulders.
So what does this story mean? The reality is that you will never be a super model and some people will be cruel no matter what, but they are cruel because of them, NOT because of you, you are just an unfortunate target. But hiding from those who would be cruel means you are also hiding from those who are kind. Hiding from those who act repulsed also hides you from those who ether don't care or will see the beauty in you. The point of my story is that this is what you have to work with and wanting to be different is like trying to find god. Accepting the realty and accepting some people are just human garbage can help you to realize that they are hideous and it is they who are projecting onto you.
Your looks are fine, look at Joaquin Phoenix, but you might want to look into new glasses.

5

You DO NOT want someone that will judge you for how you look.

Being intelligent is more attractive.

5

I looked at your profile and your photos and I must say that the surgical outcome is amazing. I would never have known that you had had a cleft palate. Thank you for showing the gorgeous swim suit photo. You are indeed an attractive and desirable woman, just very far away.

5

The most beautiful thing about any person is their smile. You have to learn it defeats the biggest rants and bullied statements that anyone could ever care to impose on you. I would never date a women with either makeup or tattoos. When they do this to themselves it is a form of hatred that they do not understand because it doesn't come off Lets talk about souls which everyone has but never want to concentrate about. If you were to write to someone whom never say you and they got involved with you person and what you displayed mentally without the picture you would have painted a beautiful picture of yourself. I would never wear a wig or a toupee because I have always wanted to live the way I was made and just be me. Everyone else is taken. You are and individual who is letting your past dictate your future. Many good looking people or should I say think that they are beautiful hack it all up with makeup and hair dye. They are not happy and never will be because they do not accept themselves for what they truly are. Don't dump on yourself either because it's not going to bring you forward which is where you want to go. Makeup never made anyone beautiful and never will because anyone who knows what it is to be beautiful knows that it comes from the inside and not whats on the outside. Learn how to smile and make sure that you do it as often as you can. When they see you letting yourself be vulnerable, they will make it worse.

4

There are so many positive and supportive comments here so I won't repeat them. My soon to be ex is very similar to you. She has a very negative self image. It got to the point where I was angry and frustrated that she wasn't able to hear how beautiful she is. That is one of the reasons our relationship is ending. I have given up trying to get through to her. @Sarahroo29 if you don't allow yourself to hear and accept your attractiveness you won't be able to truly trust and share yourself with others. I'm talking about love. No matter how many affirmations you receive if you don't accept them you won't believe or trust that anyone can care or love you. It's not easy to change something this fundamental but you can do it. Please try to love and believe in yourself.

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