Twice since my last divorce, I have agreed to coffee with guys. To me, coffee just means that I don't really know who the guy is, but I may have seen him around or spoken with him a bit and he seems decent enough to get to know a little better. Maybe if I get to know him well enough to trust him that far, we could become friends soon. Yes, theoretically it could go farther than that eventually, but right now I don't even know him well enough to know if I want to be friends. That's just the next step of getting to know someone a little better.
The first guy seemed to think that coffee meant that I was ready to jump into something right away, and kept texting me about how sexy I was and asking if I was going to kiss him when we got together for coffee. He didn't catch the hint when I said that for now, I just want a chance for us to get to know each other better, and kept going on about kissing. He also didn't catch the hint when I said that all these texts were making me uncomfortable (the first text couldn't have been a full minute after I'd walked around the corner, and I quickly lost count of how many texts he'd sent, and they were rapidly sounding more explicit. Within 18 hours, I had to explain that he was making me so uncomfortable that I was going to have to cancel (to which he insulted me and told me he was only trying to give me a compliment).
Next one, long story short, within 3 days I had warning signs and then he was making sex jokes, 5 days I was looking for a way to let the guy down easy because he seemed to have gotten the idea we were in a committed relationship when actually I was thinking even the friendship thing might not work at all (stuff like telling me it was okay with him if I wanted male friends, so long as he didn't have any reason to think something was going on) but with every contact he seemed to be having a rougher day where he just didn't need anything else to upset him even more so than last time (not returning calls and texts very promptly just made him more upset and he tried to guilt trip me about it), so finally at 10 days when he forced my hand by asking when we were going out again and I had to tell him this wasn't working, you'd have thought I'd broken our engagement the night before the wedding, and I finally had to ask him if I should look up the number for the crisis line for him (which finally turned out to be the right thing to say to get him to stop).
So, does "coffee" mean something nowadays that it didn't years ago, did I have really bad luck by just happening to get 2 scary-end guys, were my expectations off about thinking it was fine to get to know somebody pretty well before getting into a relationship with them, or what? Is there a different way to indicate just wanting to get to know somebody incrementally before getting into a relationship?
As you beautifully described in your first sentences, "coffee" is a way to meet someone. I give out No personal info, like phone number, until a face to face meeting. I also insist on at least 3 or more texts/ whatever beforehand, the crazy ones cannot hold it together longer than that. Unsolicited sexual innuendos should Never be ignored! A real man worth meeting will Never act like that!!!
I have been married 2x, and was almost the Only woman in a shipyard of 20,000 men for 13 years, I know whereof I speak!
I just read a statistic that said you have to "kiss" an Average of 80 frogs before you meet a prince....do not give up, but listen Very Carefully to your radar!
And, IMO "letting a guy down easy because he thinks we are in a ..relationship"? I would be applying for a restraining order, myself! You owe these people Nothing, ever!
I treat a coffee or lunch date as just way to meet someone new in a safe, neutral setting. If either of us feels a "zing" we can see about a more formal date.
My sympathies about the two weirdos you have encountered. I think most of the people I know, male or female (or non-binary), would agree with my statement in sentence one.
Good luck with your search. I don't think your expectations were off at all.
Coffee is for me the perfect companion to a cigarette. That moment of calm during the day when the rest of the world can f*** right off. It is also a community moment of a shared joy with friends or anybody sharing the moment. It's a pity you got a couple of flakes whose upbringing omitted a simple basic human truth. Coffee is an end unto itself. And no you haven't missed something you were just unlucky
You need to do a stand up comedy routine!! TOO funny the way you write about it. I laugh 'cause been there done that. I had one guy when I checked my messages trashed me as a bitch cause I did not response to his text messages - I had given him my phone number and TOLD him it was a land line, no caller ID, text capablities etc. THAT rapidly ruled out ever doing coffee. I think some guys are just needy and immature.
Stories like these are why I'll never date again. I'm completely aghast at the byzantine structures of assumption that people take for granted anymore.
"What does 'coffee' mean?". It means brown bean water--what else is it supposed to 'mean'??
I learned the hard way that the fix is not necessarily to proactively speak against the assumptions you suspect; that can often make things significantly worse: "What?? I don't think that!! Why would you think I think that? What's wrong with you??"
Nope. I'm just done.
"Coffee" to me just means meeting someone in person in a public place to see if you want to see them again, nothing more than that. I'm sorry you had those experiences, those guys just seemed pretty needy and desperate. In this age of "instant relationships" there seems to be a lot of that. I've had guys professing their love for me just after a few online messages, couldn't understand it. What happened to taking the time to get to know someone? Someone said to me that people like that aren't looking for a partner, they're looking for a parent to make them feel okay.
I,m a normal ( ish ) bloke , and to me, inviting a lady to ' coffee' , is just that .,it's an icebreaker to chat , discuss stuff , and maybe find out if there is a mutual attraction . Nothing more .
If there is ..... All the better, if not , its cost a cup of coffee.
Some women I have met online don't like the idea of meeting for coffee. Most seem to think it is ok. My idea is it is a way to spend time with someone in a situation that has no significance of it's own. You get to talk with the person, find out a little more of each other. It may never happen again, or you may have further time together.
Ok, I'm not speaking from a hetero perspective here. But coffee to me would mean....COFFEE. A meeting for a liquid beverage and some convo. PERIOD. Unless you're meeting someone from Tinder or Grindr, then you both know what you're meeting for, lol, but I ain't into THAT casual scene, never have been.
You sound like you are meeting some obsessive dudes. What site are you on, anyway? OKCrazy? Lol....online dating or even meeting people IRL can be extremely odd nowadays. The rules don't apply anymore. My advice is this: if you decide to meet someone, spell the guidelines out clearly beforehand. Be firm; keep it simple; play it safe. Don't assume ANYTHING. These, unfortunately, are the times we live in.
Coffee is a delicious beverage. No reasonable person would see coffee with someone as anything other than a casual meeting. Dinner means that you are obliged and committed to have sex with them.
Hehe, Just kidding....
That kind of thinking is really pretty silly and obnoxious. I would need a good deal more than an image to actually wish to insert tab A into slot B.
Evidently, "coffee" may be misconstrued as a euphemism for sex these days. I've run into the same thing as far as guys thinking this was the face to face to decide if there was going to be a bit of "slap & tickle" (yes, thats a euphemism). I've started to make it bluntly clear that this is coffee & conversation & not "Lucas cage coffee".
It also clues me in to how much of a geek they are cause if they don't know who Lucas Cage is... ????????????
Sorry, you met 2 creepers in a row, thats got to suck.
To me coffee is just coffee, time to sit-down for a little bullshit time and get to know someone a little. It is usually an early step to people becoming friends nothing more
I am aware enough of people non-verbal communication to recognize the level of interest someone has in me, these guy don't seem to have that talent.