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QUESTION Why Women Aged 35 45 Are Single and Unhappy The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness - YouTube

Last week I was approached by a man and asked on a date. I politely declined, with a smile, and made sure to add that it wasn’t him, I am just really happy the way my life is at the moment, and I am choosing to focus on other things, like school, my career, and my son.

This spurred the most weird debate. His mates eventually joined in, telling me that I’m not really happy. They somehow brought feminists up, how they are ruining the world. They told me my independence was going to make me wind up miserable and alone.

I told them the only time I was ever truly miserable was when I was in a miserable relationship, and they had only met me 20 minutes prior. How could they possibly know how happy I am? As a matter of fact, the man who approached me to ask for a date was attracted to me because of my smile and laughter. His pick-up line was that my eyes twinkled when I laughed, and my smile “lit up the entire room”. So, why now, after I rejected him, does he think I’m an unhappy person?

Today, a week later, he sent me this YouTube video. I could only get through the first 4 minutes before laughing about how ridiculous this all was. And the comment section for this video is astounding, so full of machismo and assumptions on how women really feel.

“When a woman says she is independent and strong, I immediately write her off.”

“All these stupid feminazis are finally getting their equality, and now they are suffering for it, because they can’t handle it.”

“These women are broken anyway.”

“These bitches are unhappy anyway. They are probably crazy. No guy wants a miserable woman like them.”

“These women aren’t choosing to be single. They are just unfuckable, miserable whores that no man wants to deal with their bullshit.”

Wow. Is this how men really feel about women who choose to be single? Why is it that when a man decides to be single because he claims he is happier that way, it’s easily accepted? He’s a guy’s guy. He’s a “confirmed bachelor”. There’s no negative connotation to it. But when a girl chooses to be single because they are happier that way, it’s immediately met with “they aren’t really happy”. Or “it’s not really her choice, she’s just an unfuckable spinster”?

This is another reason I appreciate the men in this group in particular. There was a post a while back, a poll on whether you were single and looking, single and not looking, married and looking etc. Some women said they were single, but not looking. They were quite happy with their lives. The men here seemed to accept those answers.

What is your take on this video, and/or the comments in the comment section? Did this man send me this video because he truly believes I am unhappy? Or did I just bruise his fragile ego, and this is passive-aggression?

IndySent 7 Feb 18
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51 comments

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27

Men are pigs. I'd never fuck one.

@Shelton I am with you guys.

Me, too

Eric please don't fuck a pig. That's going to get you shot by the "Big Farmer" people and all their marijuana hating NRA friends.

@morlll now you tell me!

23

I think it is passive aggressive BS. Women don't need men to be happy.

No man nor woman should "need" the other to be happy. They should be completely happy alone, then they can attract someone doing their own thing completely happy and see if their happiness meshes well together.

@IndySent That is so very true. You won't be happy until you choose to be happy.

@Redcupcoffee me too !

18

Completely a passive aggressive move by him. Proof positive that sexism is alive and thriving. I fear for my daughter's future. And the futures of all women. There will be a backlash in response to the women's movement happening. Just as history has shown us before. Women are looked at as object, possessions, and subservient. I have always chosen partners that were strong independent women. One's that weren't with me out of need, but out of their own want and desire. It is the single most important quality for me.

Most men have this entitlement and desire to control everything. Women are not objects to be controlled, groped, or any other forms of manipulation.

This post is also proof of sexism, I hope you can see that.

I completely agree-- I was raised by strong women- mother, grandmother and a great-grandmother who raised 11 children. My wife is a strong, independent woman, and so are both of my daughters. I have never seen women as possessions...I see them as people. Gender shouldn't matter in business, friendships, etc. We are all people.

This. I'm taking an extended break from anything like a relationship because every time I get involved with a man it's only days or weeks before he starts trying to change me to suit him. No thanks.

@IndySent the main post is fine! What the hell.

I'm sexist, because I see women as equal? And i choose to be with women if a certain caliber? What? @Funandfondles
Have fun fondling yourself.

@IndySent It's your thread, I just commented on it. I'll have you know, my son is being raised with my same values. So, I will have at least replaced myself on this planet with a good guy. And my daughter... she's got this.

@IndySent she over generalizes, that’s all. I won’t comment on your posts anymore if you think anyone can “hijack” your post.... I give up on this “discussion” forum, no one wants to discus anything. I know that I have been horribly misunderstood, and I don’t care to explain myself to someone who does not appreciate my trying to take an interest in the subjects your post made available. I’m done with this bullshit.

17

Look at his sharing this video with you as a timesaver. You have wasted an hour and a half of your time as opposed to 17 years, You can move on from him and figure out what you really want to focus on in life- whether that is a relationship, school, your kids, you, or anything else.

14

I am not going to watch the video, but at 65, men on the one dating site where I still have a profile (I do not count this site as "dating" ) consistently tell me that I am unhappy and bitter--without having met me. They tell me that I am going to wind up alone and am not able to get a man.

Um, I AM ALREADY alone, and by choice. "Getting" a man is easy, even at my great age: finding one worth my time is damned hard. These men are desperate and their fear is staying alone as they age: they project their fears on me (and other women).

You bruised his ego; I do the same. While some women still think that they need a man to be complete, others of us realize that we are "complete" within ourselves. Speaking strictly from personal experience, older men seem to have a much harder time being alone than do older women.

@Gwendolyn2018, THIS is spot on! You found the words that I've floundered for! (thank you!)

"I AM ALREADY alone, and by choice. "Getting" a man is easy, even at my great age: finding one worth my time is damned hard. These men are desperate and their fear is staying alone as they age: they project their fears on me (and other women)."

Sadly, many men in my geography have their projection preached in the churches and so really believe what they're smoking.

@Zster Regardless of how many times I say that, the comeback is that I just can't find a man. The ironic thing about this is that the men contact me because they like the way I look. They can't seem to understand that they have been rejected by me--not the other way 'round!

@IndySent Sad, but true. I cannot figure out how men were considered the "strong" and stoic sex for so long: many, if not most, have thin skins and cannot take any rejection without becoming unglued.

11

Oh yeah! He was totally butthurt and striking back. Some men (and sadly, some women) just cannot accept that there are women who have no need of a relationship. They can't deal with the fact that some of us are really okay being single, and not remotely unhappy about it.
I don't hate men, quite the contrary, I think there are men who are absolutely fantastic.
I'm definitely heterosexual. However, I'm at a point in my life where I'm not pining away because I live alone and have zero romantic prospects. I'm not looking to change my situation. I'm not saying I'll never meet anyone else who can make my toes curl, but for fuck's sakes, just because I'm good with being single, doesn't mean I'm some sort of defective, or unhappy. Some men definitely don't handle rejection well, no matter how nicely the message is delivered.

6

You bruised his delicate ego .. don't you know you should have been soo grateful he chose to speak to you? how dare you tell him you weren't interested! how could you possibly have a fulfilling life if you don't have a man? ...makes me crazy!!!. It's a disgusting, entitled attitude ... these types of men are incredibly insecure and usually the kind to turn to violence in the face of rejection

If you don't give them what They want, you are either frigid, a lesbian, and/or deserving of them taking what they want.......old school revolting, at best!

6

As a few mentioned here, it does sound like projection.

"This is why women are happier when they’re single than men"

IMO it's tough to persuade some that women aren't property - especially those with conservative tendency. To be fair, it's true with some women too, but behaving as property, while seemingly safe, is probably less fulfilling than freedom to discover themselves. As indicated by the statistics cited - the majority of single women are happier single. Without condescending, I say I prefer women to property, but it may just be The Left Hand of Darkness" talking 🙂

@jeffy

"Happiness has to do with reason, and only reason earns it."
~Ursula K. Le Guin

I remember reading somewhere once that women who remain single (or only have casual relationships) not only tend to be happier but also have slightly longer average lifespans than married women, while single men tend to have shorter average lifespans than married men. Having seen what happens to many people following divorce post 50+, I can believe this: for many women (or at least those who are financially independent), it can be a great liberation - they go out, learn new things, take up new hobbies, make new friends and eventually become much happier.

@Jnei I have read those studies, too, and I tend to agree. My grandmother was widowed twice by her mid-40''s. She wasn't interested in dating and never remarried --- living a very content and fulfilling life. She lived well into her 90's. I think it is possible that this will change in future generations with lax gender roles and an emphasis on friendship.

@VictoriaNotes My grandmother was widowed shortly after WW2, while still in her mid-30s. She never married again, but there were hints of a "Mr Rosenberg" with whom she seems to have spent some time. Otherwise, once her children had left home, she spent her time doing what she wanted - which generally meant drinking whisky, playing cards, shouting at Conservative politicians on TV and swearing a lot in a combination of the three languages she spoke fluently. She was fiercely independent right up until the end at the age of 87, and she enjoyed it.

@Jnei Seems our grandmothers would have been great friends had their paths crossed. 😀

6

This dickhead "researched for a year and a half to two years" to come up with this drivel?

6

What this experience tells you is that for sure do not want to go anywhere with any of thee people. If they have to tell you why you have to do something then they have no real argument for them. I would not go anywhere with anyone if this happened no matter what, unless it was a police station. Women need a man like they need a fish on a bicycle. When it works it is great but all other times there is nothing worse. I think this is where the concept of hell came from. I could be wrong.

6

He expects you to watch a hour and a half long video after knowing you for 20 minutes?
I've "known" you longer on this board than that and there is no way in hell I'm sitting through 1.5 hour long diatribe by a "facebook filosopher"

This is clearly fragile ego, "single child" behaiviour. He's not used to being told no, he's not used to being told he isn't special. Bottom line for me is that he would rather focus on trying to convince you that you are unhappy than work at addressing that unhappines and try to make you happy. It's like a person that sees that you are thin and presumes that you are hungry and instead of working to feed you, works on trying to convince you that you are hungry.

Like those people that suggest you buy a book and read up on a controversial subject because you don’t agree with them, and validate themselves because you won’t buy a book, which in their minds mean you are not open minded, and can write you off as an idiot.

@Funandfondles When they do that, they usually haven't read the book themselves, so they can't pick out a decent quote or excerpt. They issue a ridiculous demand-- invest hours of your life to figure out their argument (that they're too lazy to form) or you're being unreasonable. The game is so transparent, and they're so committed to that blatant dishonesty, you have to marvel at the human mind's ability to delude itself.

5

OK, I tried to listen to the clip, I really did.
The guy who sent it was not happy with your response and wants to prove you are wrong.
People, male or female can be happy with their lives un-partnered, being in a bad relationship is worse. You made poor diddums feel insecure and he is lashing out.

4

He sent you the video because he is unhappy himself and it must be someone else’s fault, especially those who reject him. He thinks if he “negs” you, then maybe you will internalize it and it will hurt your self-esteem, and you will see him as higher value than you are. This is a tactic taught by professional pick-up artists to lonely, socially awkward men, and it works on low self-worth women. Pat yourself on the back for seeing the put downs for the disrespectful manipulative tactic they are. Women used to have to join a convent to have an independent and free life of their own making. Enjoy the freedom to be whoever you want and then welcome into your life only people who love and respect you for exactly who you are today. The rest are missing out. ?

4

I love it when a man tells me anything about women. Rolling eyes

4

A threatened man is an ugly sight

Truth. We are certainly the weaker of the species emotionally and when our egos are in danger, we get nasty. I'm not anywhere NEAR perfect... hell, perfect isn't even on the horizon... but at least i try to recognize my weaknesses and act to stop myself from simply reacting. I fail a lot, but I'm getting better and I keep trying. It upsets me when other men don't even try... it just makes all of us look like savages. So, thanks for putting up with our dumb asses.

@DobbinPitch if for no other reason, we must try in order to save our dignity, right?

@Condor5 if for no other reason than to HAVE some dignity lol

4

At my uncle's house, so I can't watch the video now, but there is another side to the issue. Personally, when I am really interested. In a girl, I make it easy for her to reject me right out. I will talk to a girl in front of her friends, even of mixed gender. I want a girl to say "Fuck off creep"... "Ew, you're disgusting"... or yes... And when the most common answer comes back, I want to know they're true. "I have a boyfriend". The fact of the matter is men put women in uncomfortable situations due to expected physical strength differential and women invent excuses and boyfriends. I don't blame them, but that feeds this problem where men don't know how to take a whack on the nose with a newspaper. A good dog, you say no once, you give them one noisy pop the second time, and even if the dog could rip you apart, he'll sulk off. Men need rejection training. I'm becoming an expert by not approaching women who are alone and feel threatened. Once men learn rejection is not emasculation, we can shift the conversation a bit.

In the meantime, since most men are getting excuses, it makes sense that most men treat a rejection as an excuse. I'm not justifying, just explaining... Mansplaining if you will....

Women you don't know but have an initial attraction to can't actually have boyfriends that they are being honest about?

@ElizabethI They can and do. I think I pretty clearly explained that men isolate women or approach them in ways that are threatening and thereby induce a large percentage of rejections in a way that includes another male as a means of defense and that devalues the meaning of that form of rejection. Not sure why you think I said it was never true.

@DJVJ311 Okay, just one part came across differently to me. You wrote:

"I want a girl to say 'Fuck off creep'... 'Ew, you're disgusting'... or yes... And when the most common answer comes back, I want to know they're true. 'I have a boyfriend'. The fact of the matter is men put women in uncomfortable situations due to expected physical strength differential and women invent excuses and boyfriends

That sounded to me like you thought that every time a girl says that she has a boyfriend, it is an invented boyfriend, and the only answer you took as genuine other than "yes" was a rather unladylike rejection. Thanks for the clarification, and I hope you can see how I read your statement in a way other than what you meant.

They might, but many women find it is easier to say “I have a boyfriend” because men respect the “property” of another man more than they respect the non-interest of a woman. @ElizabethI

@A2Jennifer That is highly unfortunate.

4

I don't know why some people actually think they have a clue about how someone else feels ?
I'm with you, I'm happy on my own.. you go girl ! 😉

3

I've only had one relationship in my life,but we never married. I don't think having a partner is really essential for most people to be happy, men and women. I myself enjoy my independence and not having to deal with conflicts.

Plus I prefer sleeping by myself, when actually sleeping at least 🙂

3

Can you say projection?

Spot on.

3

You can dress 'em up, but a Neanderthal is still a caveman.

Source:

Comparing this man's behavior to a Neanderthal is insulting to the latter.

3

I honestly fell asleep listening to this. His credentials were, I'm depressed or something? He seems very intelligent in his own mind. My natural defense, absolute boredom, kept him out of mine.

jeffy Level 7 Feb 18, 2018
3

Don’t listen to people like that, it’s too much bullshit think about. There are only so many battles you can fight and hope it has a butterfly effect, it’s not worth your peace of mind. I’m probably talking to myself with this comment but I hope it relates.

3

Yay... Negging is getting a second wind. This is disappointing to say the least. Sorry for the hardships. Be strong!

2

You are better off without those Numbnuts self important Assholes

2

Women over 62 that are Single are the Happiest people there are! Marriage is much better for men than women!

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