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Has Porn Become the Ultimate Passion Killer?

With the rise of online porn, increasingly men expect anal sex. Deal breaker.

"You first," I say. "You get fucked up the ass by a well-hung man and tell me how you like it."

That shuts them up. Blindfolding me, slapping, anal sex, rape fantasies: what the hell? Although I am an adventurous person, being terrified or injured is not on my bucket list.

I have never watched online porn because it hurts and degrades women. In my 20s, I saw two porn films. "Deep Throat" was ridiculous- as if a woman's clitoris is in her throat. "The Story of O" was such a horrifying S&M film, I walked out.

"People under 30 are having to work harder to recognize porn is not real. Sex and dating expert Annabelle Knight says:

“Individuals need to be aware that it has little or no bearing on real life sexual scenarios for the majority of people.” Similarly to other online windows into people’s lives – Facebook, Instagram, Twitter – just because internet porn plays out a certain way doesn’t mean sex is like that in reality.

"This disconnect can mean someone’s behaviour might not have the consequences they intended. Sarah says several men she has slept with thought force was the only way to get her to orgasm. It also means that elements often missing from much porn – intimacy, emotion, female pleasure – get left out of sex in real life, too."

[huffingtonpost.co.uk]

By LiterateHiker8
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28 comments

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3

Yes, I've sworn off sex and dating ,but it seems to me porn encourages men to indulge in the sadistic warped violent side of their sexuallity, and encourages them to believe that all women enjoy and want it.

You've been dating the wrong men. I mean that in a sympathetic way.

@Kojaksmom

You have my sympathy. I agree.

@chucklesIII 100% of all males watch porn. Celibacy is just a choice for me right now, I'm taking a much-needed break from relationships and sex.

@chucklesIII

Don't blame women for the fact that online porn is ruining men's perception of sex and intimacy. I have experienced this, too.

One man I met was so addicted to online porn, he could not relate to a living, breathing woman. He required online porn to get an erection and come. I showed him the door.

Porn addiction treatment centers have opened up around the world. The Ranch Porn Addiction Treatment Center is located in the South:

[recoveryranch.com]

@LiterateHiker no sympathy needed, it's all my choice to steer away from casual sex and relationships.

@Kojaksmom

I understand. I steer away from casual sex, too.

@LiterateHiker That’s just sad...

@LiterateHiker , I'm not blaming women. I'm blaming the men she has dated and those like them.

@chucklesIII no, I said all men are that way,all of them. There are so few exceptions your chances of finding them are near zero.

@Kojaksmom , You have my sympathy.

@chucklesIII it's not just my experience, there a whole hell of a lot of women out there that feel just like me

@Kojaksmom , then there's a whole hell of a lot of women who date the wrong guys. I know this to be true. I'm friends with a couple who have experienced it. The problem is, they keep dating pieces of shit, all the while thinking, "I can change him". No. You cannot. In my 50 years, I have never hit a woman. I intend to keep it that way.

@chucklesIII

The only person I can change and control is myself. I learned that in my 20s. I refuse to fall in love with a man's potential, expecting him to change.

I can change my reaction to people's behavior. That point was driven home when my daughter was a teenager. "This is temporary," was my mantra.

"I love you, Claire," I said calmly. "You may not act disrespectful to me. I'm leaving now." She apologized and asked me to come back and help her.

@chucklesIII some women are so afraid of being alone and yes your statement is correct .I haven't dated in 3 years. I was married to cheater. approximately 60% of all married men are cheaters. I went on a few dates after my husband died ,but never made a connection with anybody because sex is the only thing that interests men. Occasionally I would indulge them, but most men are far more interested in finding more women to indulge them. At 53 im done with bad dates and bad men. Dating and looking for a relationship is risky and it's a waste of time.

3

Sex is delightful onlu when there is real emotional as well as physical intimacy. The idea of anal sex is repulsive to me.

I agree with your liking / stmnt about emotional connection... for good of bad, anal sex has almost become normalized.

@guynoir

What does "stmnt" stand for?

@LiterateHiker statement

@Shouldbefishing

Please spell out words. Thanks for translating it.

0

This could just as easily be titled "has the hitachi wand become the ultimate passion killer?"

Porn is just fantasy. Since more men watch porn, then porn is made mostly for men, to represent typical male fantasies.

You have to know that going in. Separate it from your actual love life, and don't let it get in the way of your actual love life.

If you can't do either of those things, then yes, you have a problem. Same with the wand, ladies. If it's ruining your love life then you've got a problem and it's not your partner.

Otherwise both are harmless escapism.

Xuande Level 7 Mar 2, 2019

@Xunande

What is a hitachi wand? Never heard of it.

"Harmless escapism?" I disagree. Pornography hurts and degrades women.

Watch the excellent TED Talk, "Why I Stopped Watching Online Porn," by Ran Gavriel posted by @Stephanie99 below:

@LiterateHiker it's a thing that goes bzzz very effectively, or so I hear.

The idea that porn hurts or degrades women is archaic and frankly, anti-woman.

Are you upset over men and women's sexual imaginations? Yes, there are some people who fetishize things like assault, and a small percentage of porn does show men doing bad things to women who APPEAR to be suffering.

These are fictional portrayals. The power dynamic is not real. Porn also depicts many female fantasies, including the opposite power dynamic. It's a celebration of female sexuality, more than anything.

You're free to find them distasteful, but that's not the same thing as demeaning. Saying that it is denies that women also have similar lusts and desires.

No, porn doesn't demean women anymore than action movies about buff dudes shooting each other demean men. All media is sensationalized and not rooted in reality. I'm not about to stop watching football because it depicts men as big, hulking and strong.

In fact, saying that porn is demeaning to women is demeaning to women. Female sexuality is not defined by what men look at. It's its own thing, and it doesn't matter that men see it or not.

If we lived in a world where porn was demeaning to women, the only non-demeaning sexual encounters would be very unexcitedly vanilla.

If we're going to preach today, let's preach literacy of the media. Understanding that porn is not real life, just like the latest Tarantino film isn't.

It is not uncommon for porn addiction to lead to male impotence.

@Xuande hmmm - rhe poem I’ve seen has a lot of women being subjected to some level of violence: I’ve not met a women who wanted that (though to be fair, I’m long married and what do I know?)

I suspect that most porn is about Male fantasies and has pretty close to zero to do with with female fantasy or desire. Seeing another gormless woman sucking some fellas knob does close to zero for me too. Seeing her beaten, strangled, asphyxiated or otherwise physically abused is an immediate turn off too.

2

i wonder what most women think about that penile deficit most of their partners have compared to the male porn stars. haven't watched any for a long time but know that most of us don't measure up to the long john holmes'.

Too much dick..that hurts.

that might be a common misconception that the bigger the penis the better (not for me), but then again i can only speak for myself. everyone has their own insecurities about their bodies. the only thing that matters is what your partner likes and if she likes you, you can stop worrying about it I think.

@callmedubious well you might as well just send a dic pick now huh?

0

Count me Somewhat Shocked on at least 2 issues:

  1. (has?) no one mentioned the standard mantra that men are more visually oriented than women (on average, in general)

  2. I guess we'll have wait another generation until all the aspects of sexuality & sex are talked into the ground & no one's interested anymore... Yawn!

guynoir Level 6 Mar 3, 2019

1) yeah sure here is a tip: LOOK AT THE REAL WOMAN IN FRONT OF YOU
2) sorry you don't agree but that doesn't mean the world is broken

@Janiesuper I'm not disagreeing with anything U said.

@guynoir

Stop making excuses. As @Janiesuper said, look at the real woman in front of you instead.

People can overcome genetic tendencies, society pressure, religious inhibition, their upbringing, etc.

How to Overcome Genetic Tendencies

[psychcentral.com]

@LiterateHiker why should differences be ignored or forsaken? Didn't nature give us differences? Celebrate Diversity!!

6

100%

Any sex that involves violence is niche not mainstream and vanishingly rare as a desire

Anal sex is specialist and again quite rare as a desire among women at least.

I am worried that porn makes violence and sex connected and suggests that women love getting fucked in the arse.

That isnt my (fairly limited) experience.

I agree, as a female, I'm quite sure that most men will be shocked to find out that your pussy is not hairless as an egg.

@Kojaksmom, I’m fine with hair! But then I find the attraction to hairless pubic areas akind to pedophilia, and I have no interest in dating pre-pubescents. I feel the same about any woman who would require a man with body hair to have it removed.

@Kojaksmom well quite. And I’m refuse to shave the hair off my nutsack too!

That suggests someone is demanding that of me and they aren’t....

6

I think no one should ever “expect” sex of any type without discussion and consent first. And anyone can change their mind at anytime, it’s not something to get mad about. If someone changes their mind, it’s not about you (even if they say it is), it’s about them. Just let it be. You will recover.

As far as anal sex or whatever...that’s not porn and people have been doing it since the beginning of time, no doubt. It’s just with our society finally developing some tolerance for other lifestyle choices, more people are aware, curious and experimenting.

If it’s not for you, that’s fine. And honestly, I’m guessing those that ask for it also enjoy it, but aren’t going to say so if they’re feeling shamed into silence. Biologically speaking, the vagus nerve ends at the anus, so there’s that. It can be risky business in several ways, so it’s good to be knowledgeable and clear about what’s ok and what’s not. Communication is key.

Elusia8 Level 6 Mar 2, 2019

Isn't it because men have the prostate so anal penetration stimulation works but not for women? I can't stand it. I hated it. I'll glad go doggy so long as it's vaginal but no. But I also can't poop in a public restroom . I have some issues.

@Dandewine There are plenty of folks (whatever gender) who do enjoy it. There is plenty of anal sex information on the web for those who are curious. Cosmopolitan isn’t my usual go to for information, but what the heck. [cosmopolitan.com]

4

I'm totally in agreement;

Women give sex to get love
Men give love to get sex.

Ain't it wonderful?

guynoir Level 6 Mar 2, 2019

@guynoir I have a tendency to agree which is why I believe lesbians and gays have much more fulfilling relationships. And that's just my personal opinion

3

I think porn is damaging. It gives a ridiculous impression of what sexuality is. Real intimacy depends on trust. If you can't trust your partner not to hurt you,unless asked, how can you totally give it up to them?

@Wangobango3

Agreed. I cannot open up without feeling emotionally, physically and mentally safe.

4

This is a really enlightening Ted talk by Ran Gavrieli "Why I Stopped Watching Porn."

@Stephanie99

What a wonderful video! THANK YOU. I will send this TED Talk to my daughter and others.

6

Good article. Having looked at porn I have to say it's kind of boring. Very mechanical, acrobatic, and everyone looks and acts absolutely perfect - and most importantly, what's missing is real intimacy, an emotional connection. I'm like, "ho hum, next." Every now and then though I've caught something that feels truly erotic and intimate - usually not on any porn site - and when I do, I'm just bowled over.

I wish people didn't compare their sex lives to the people in porn. It creates unrealistic expectations and a lot of disappointment. Sex is about the mind and heart as much as the body, and nothing compares with having a real connection with the person you're sleeping with.

bleurowz Level 8 Mar 2, 2019

@bleurowz

Thank you. Well said. I agree wholeheartedly.

1

Word

@Mitch07102

Thank you. High praise.

1

Here's another reason to eschew porn. It literally rewires the brain.

@Mitch07102 Thanks, good video.

2

The only time I gave anal sex the woman asked me for it, so some girls must like it. I have even heard some girls have an orgasm from it. I just noticed something. Why does the pronunciation of the o change from Woman to Women and the e and the a stay the same? It would be better to have the E remain an E and the o to change to an E for plural. Somebody please get on that right away.

Indeed. I was asked "butt" once. She wanted to try it out of pure curiosity.

4

Porn is fantasy.

1

In a good all round relationship sex can be great. If sex forms the core of the relationship then it is likely to be based on short lived fantasies which can never sustain a meaningful relationship.

1

@LiterateHiker Totally on board with you on this one. And it seems many things. Maybe not Bernie but his speech at the first rally today was a barn “berner.”

ToolGuy Level 8 Mar 2, 2019
1

The thing with BDSM, there has to be a great deal of trust before you can move in that direction. I like to get adventurous, but if that trust isn't there already, it isn't going to happen, and it can't be rushed. And yes, porn is so readily available it has warped the expectations of the younger generations.

1

Never did I ever think anal sex would be something I wanted to do. Put my what where? ??

Sierra4 Level 6 Mar 2, 2019
1

Really?
I guess Linda & I lead very sheltered lives. But then, no cable/satellite TV. Too active to really pay attention to the internet. Still physically attracted to each other....
What about these sex industry robots I've seen articles on? Next step in the sexual revolution???

1

I don't watch porn anymore. The screen really started to irritate my nose.

1

Lots of women want to wear a close swimsuit (not nudists, ha ha) & trim so no hair protrudes (kinda ugly, don't we think?). I think a nice trim is attractive & mutual it can be part of an intimate experience.

guynoir Level 6 Mar 2, 2019
5

Porn wouldn't be a problem if there were any kind of realism in it. Or if it wasn't completely and utterly degrading to women. I'm all for positive porn, but most of it is just is far from it.

2

it all boils down to, how good are you in bed. if you have to replicate what you see on film or you expect to have those things done to you, then you are an idiot. a person who is good in bed is doing it the right way and not the same way as what is on film and that person knows it. if i met a guy who talked about porn as if it was where he wanted to be, then i would leave him to it. Otherwise i think we could both enjoy it. i don't mind watching it sometimes, sometimes it doesnt do anything for me. its all a matter of the mood at the moment.

1

I agree that porn can de-sentize viewers (and participants 'actors', ha ha) from real emotional connections which (IMHO) should be a part of intimate relationships. It's possible to enjoy sex without being or feeling exploited, I hope

guynoir Level 6 Mar 3, 2019
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